Dreams of Despair

By: Nevermore Raven

7-30-2009

A.N. This is a very dark and angsty oneshot of when Shadow is driven to the deep end. His potential friends ignored him since they were busy with their own lives.

My tears may have been concealed by the rainstorm, but I did not care if I could feel my tears or not. I simply did not care at all. I didn't care that it was raining heavily, I didn't care that the rain was soaking my fur and causing me to start shivering, and I definitely didn't care my soaked gloves were making my hands numb. Trudging forward, I narrowed my eyes as rain fell on my head and sent itself flowing steadily down my fur, dripping into my eyes and off my nose. I was soaked to the skin, but my indifference was unchanged. I didn't care...

The barrage of cold droplets sapped the warmth from my body, and my fur tried to stand on end in defense to the cold. As the thought of the cold making my quills bristle, I let a pained smile curve my lips. It would have kept me plenty warm if it wasn't wetter than the very air around me. I slipped on something that caused my foot to give way, landing my already waterlogged and hapless heart into a puddle. I fell unceremoniously back first into a cold puddle, causing chills to run through my spine as my already bristled quills rose even more in reflex to my fall.

I tiredly turned my head to the side to locate the offending object, only to see a figure in a black leather jacket and with wild red, spiked hair run to the uninteresting back door of a building in a nearby alleyway. I guessed to myself that the figure was running to the shelter inside and failed to notice me. I strained a sigh through my nose as I looked next to the puddle. I tripped on an object that shined with a silver glint, but I had to blink falling rain from my eyes to focus on it and determine what it was that had caused my unintended journey into the puddle of water.

The thing I tripped on was a knife. Without hesitation, I stretched my arm forth to pick it up and observe its metallic shine before standing back up to continue forward. Ironically, though the knife caused initial hassle, it would serve me in the end. I grinned sadly as I walked a familiar path through a familiar forest. Unlike the previous time I came, every aspect of the forest was changed. The weather was not bright and sunny, the sky was not a calming shade of blue, and rain pattered on countless leaves as it rolled its way to the soft forest floor. My mood was one of absolute despair and dejection, not one of curiosity and contentment. The cold air gradually caused my skin to feel numb.

I was almost there. There in the distance an old and massive chestnut stood defiantly, unfazed by the rain and thunder. The giant tree has heard the thundering blasts of the gods for hundreds of years. I have grown fond of this tree. With the knife dangling in my hand, I propped my back against the tan, furrowed trunk of the behemoth to sit there and contemplate my life for one last time...

For an hour I sat there, for an hour I watched drops of crystal clear water slip their way down the shining face of the knife. Night had fallen, and the sky, once grey, was now dark blue, and I could barely see anything at all in the dim light. The rain's assault upon everything below it was diminishing. The raindrops became smaller and less copious as I bothered to look up at the shady canopy of my giant chestnut. One fat drop landed square on the bridge of my nose as I felt a small splat of water and squinted my eyes. I continued to wait. For what, I honestly don't know. I could have ended my abomination of a life right then and there, but I wanted to relish my natural hiding place... for one last time...

I could see the light from the sun light up the dull, grey overcast of the sky and let a bittersweet smile form on my lips for a brief moment. A lone tear softly rolled down my cheek. My entire life has been one of suffering. Ever since I was only five years old, I have become the victim of confinement, starvation, beatings, broken bones, mockery, anguish, betrayal, rape, and worst of all, loss. Another tear formed on my face as the first one dripped onto my chest.

A steady stream of tears rolled out of my eyes as I closed them and buried my face in my damp hands.

Years ago I stood under the chestnut's equally gigantic cousin, an ancient oak tree. When I was beneath the shading leaves of the oak those many years ago, my entire family was alive. I was at the peak of my life. Finally, after years of isolation on the colony, I had the priceless gift of witnessing Nature in all of her glory. The bleak and dull surroundings of steel, copper, and glass that I grew accustomed to were whisked from my mind, freeing the realm of my heart from the iron confines of my colonial prison. I was in Heaven, and that Heaven was Earth. Heaven was a good thing, and it definitely remained with its mantra. Along with Maria. And my family. Good things will not last.

My heart throbbed harshly in a painful manner. I miss my family so much. They were caring, innocent people and I must bear the fact that they died. They are gone. There is no way I can reach them on this Earth, no way to see them ever again. When I was under the oak those years ago, I was with Maria. I loved her more than anything on this earth. I loved her so much it hurt. And it hurts so much more now. She was my best friend, my companion, my sister. I miss her golden blond hair. I miss her gentle, blue eyes, her smile, her heartwarming laugh...

I choked on a sob as my soaked ears folded down in my despair. "Maria..." She was an angel, and now she is in Heaven with her parents, where they belong...

I will never see her again. Everyone I loved had died for some greedy coward's whim. Just because he wanted to break me and turn me into his toy. I hate that man. I absolutely hate him. I want to literally whip him, cut his fingers off, chop his privates into bleeding pieces, burn him alive... I hate him. He ruined my life. He raped me. He raped my scarred body, raped my frail heart. Now he will never get what he wants once I'm gone. He won't control me, but even if he did, it wouldn't be much of a burden; after all, I am nothing more than a useless toy...

The second person that has ruined my life was even more painful to bear. This person was someone I thought was my friend. I loved him. After so much suffering and pointless beatings from two brutes that loved to spill my youthful, innocent blood, he became my friend. I knew him for almost a year. At last something in my life was turned not against me, but with me. And then, suddenly, he betrayed me...

As that thought finished its course through my mind, I heard a distant rumble of thunder before a large product of precipitation slipped between the leaves of this majestic tree and landed on my forehead. The lonely water drop signaled a charge from the clouds, and they happily obeyed. Dozens of drops fell around the tree and onto it, some of the drops managed to land on my hapless, brooding head.

Then the charge came. The darkening sky sent multitudes of its wet companions down upon the ground, and the unfolding scene was once again the same. The dozens of drops grew in number exponentially, and soon I could barely see a hundred meters because of droplets falling by the tens of thousands. The song of the rainfall was almost deafening, it had amassed into a great and steady roar. It sounded like I was beside a large waterfall, only this waterfall was everywhere, in every which direction and fell on everything. The shelter of the tree was washed through by sheer numbers, and it blocked about two thirds of the drops that were lucky enough to land on me. Even with only a third of the rain landing on me, I was soaking wet in moments.

Another series of tears spilled from my eyes as I screamed my misery into my hands as I thought of his betrayal... Out of nowhere, my own "friend" joined the two men that made my use as a punching bag an idea of entertainment. They kidnapped me, chained me up, and stole my innocence.

I remember their drunken laughter. I remember my pleas for mercy, my screams of anguish. They were savages. I remember the overwhelming humiliation and the shame. And my supposed friend was the worst of them all. He raped me. He raped me without a moment of hesitance, no hint of remorse in his cold blue eyes.

His thrusts felt as if a spear was being pushed deeper and deeper into my body, forcing more sobs and tears from my crimson eyes, made even more red from my crying. "Please make it stop..." I whispered, my statement drowned out by the storm. These memories are choking the very life out of me. A harsh sob gusted from my aching throat as I screamed again. My scream was a song of despair, one of sollitude and misunderstanding, holding the same feeling as a lost wolf howling through the middle of the coldest blizzard. "Why? Why did you do this to me? Why?" I mumbled into my gloves. I asked him the same question through my bitter tears and burning sobs that day. I remember how my sore body trobbed as it bled slowly, both inside as well as out... I no longer was just a punching bag. Now I was a punching bag and a sex toy...

I suffered after these traumatic events. I began to doubt my importance and lost my self confidence completely. I had nightmares of the events. Time after time after time, I would wake up with a jolt from my bed, shivering as cold sweat covered my face before finally quietly sobbing by myself in the darkness. And then, my family was murdered. The very solid and dependable foundations that my heart leaned upon were reduced to ashes and dust... I wanted to die. I wanted to die... My life was destroyed completely.

And finally, I was awakened from being frozen in a secret military base. The rest is history... A lightning bolt decided to land on an unfortunate scrawny pine not too far in the distance, and the tree was engulfed in the hot blue flash. A massive clap of thunder shook the dense cold air and even the ground vibrated from its handiwork. The strike caused me to jump slightly before I raised my crimson eyes to watch the tree's shocking demise. In the flash of the lightning, the branches and shattered wood of the tree cast shadows from the blue fire, while the center of the tree was entirely consumed. The tree exploded, sending splinters of wooden shrapnel through the air and the remains of the target was a steaming hot, twisted, giant toothpick.

A few woodchips landed near my location, so I idly peered through the curtain of rain and plucked a chip off the ground. I examined it as the rain continued to strike my fur in and endless barrage. The wood chip was warm, almost hot, and I could smell the hot and minty aroma of boiled resin. A wave of rage consumed my heart, and in anger I threw the chip into the air and cursed the rain and my pathetic life with all of the passion I could summon.

"WHY!?" I screamed at the top of my lungs to the dark blue sky, briefly rising above the song of the rain. I clenched my fists and completely broke down crying. My drizzle of tears increased to a torrent, sending small streams of my anguish down my cold cheeks. "Why?" I choked on a bitter sob. The people I hoped could love me back, the people I hoped would help me pick up the shards of my miserable life have left me behind to die. Just like everyone else has. I should have ended my life right then the first time, for that promise was worthless. To Hell with that stupid promise! I hate that promise, Maria! I hate it! I followed that damn promise! And what happened? I am alone—AGAIN! I cried my heart out—AGAIN!

You said give everyone a chance to be happy... Give them a chance to live their dreams... What about me? What about my dreams? A bitter sting of realization struck me causing me more misery than the rain that followed. I have lived my dreams. My dreams are nightmares. My dreams are full of fear, grief, shame and despair. For so many years I feared my dreams would become the truth. And now, as I am soaked both by the chilling rain from the heavens above and from my own burning tears, my nightmares have become ultimately true.

I have been struggling to survive. My survival has brought nothing more than more despair, more agony. More darkness. There never has been a light at the end of my endless tunnel. No bottom to this abyss into which I have been thrown. I am stuck in an endless cycle, a cycle of more and more grief. More guilt. More shame and pain. Some of you have told others to never give up. Never give in. Don't lose faith. Years ago, I would have agreed with you. Even after I had caused so much trouble with the colony and Biolizard, I still didn't give in. I have finally found those others to be wrong. So very wrong. Bastards... Open your fucking eyes, you imbeciles! Look at me! Look! Behold this wretched soul that your useless little words of wisdom have wrought! None of you have suffered like I have. Some have suffered greatly, but none have suffered as I have. Not one. Let's see you never give up after you lived through this. You would've given up years before I finally did.

But there is one way out. I can't end the sadness, but I can put an end to my suffering and destroy the despair for good. By no longer surviving. By ending my own wretched life. Forever...

One more sob escaped my sore throat as I lifted the knife and watched its trembling blurry pointed shadow against the dark blue of the sky. I could not see it clearly through the tears of my watering eyes and the spray of the rainstorm. With a fierce grasp, I pointed the sharp object at my aching heart and thrust it into my chest. I felt its cold teeth rip through me, slicing beyond my numb skin and chilling the very warmth inside of my body. Blood trickled down my chest tuft, blending with the soaking rain, staining my formerly soft silky white fur with a disturbing brown tint. My heart throbbed softly in my chest as I felt the chilling knife slice apart the membranes and muscles that formed the vital organ. The knife felt like nothing compared to the grief I have carried for my entire life. I pulled the blade out...

Black spurted onto my chest each time my heart tried to beat. I could feel a hot, burning liquid fill my throat, and I coughed it up. I saw a spray of black mist fill the air from my mouth and could taste the sweet metallic blood on my tongue as it trickled out of my mouth. My throat softly gargled from blood and I lifted my eyes to the sky before closing them for the last time. I closed my mouth and could not help myself from letting a small grin remain on my bleeding lips.

I feel cold. So cold... Freezing cold... Had I enough strength left, I would have had a fit of convulsive shivering as I hyperventilated with uncontrolable, spasmodic breathing. I simply remained still as the chill of the rain and the hole in my heart numbed my body. That numb feeling was followed by darkness. Darkness was engulfing my mind. Unlike the darkness that has plagued me for my entire life, this darkness was soothing. I felt as if a warm blanket was wrapped around me, ending my shivers and the harsh chills that continued to tingle across every inch of my numbing body. And the pain was finally dissipating. The pain was gone. The agony, the loneliness, the guilt and shame, it all was finally gone. I am free at last...

The End