A/N: Wow! I can't believe I updated! I'm sorry it took me forever and a day but life is crazy and it doesn't help that I don't have a computer lol. This chapter may be more random then the other chapters since there's so much going on. I hope I haven't lost my touch but here goes nothing, hehe.
I'd like to thank the following for reading, alerting, faving and for their fantastic reviews:
Den of Woe, Grusnoid, boss-slayer, shadowno, Yuzuru Renge, Divine Arion, Hina-86, Ankhesenamun10, moonbeam1987, Ultimolu, Stardust4, rainfox88, cjjs, deathwish girl, Special Agent F.U.N.K., Lime Rickey, Vampuric Spider, S.T.A.R.S. Marine, , LawXBreaker, -GreyedSoul218-, RevolutionZwei, -wesker-strikes-agian-, Special-K-Man, The Roaming Gnome, demonic angel23, and NRZWolf 13.
I'd also like to thank the following for reading, alerting and faving:
Blackwolfreader, LlamasWithHats90, and TheDarkHallow.
Thanks to you all! Many hugs and lots of cookies for you!
Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own anything in this chapter and if I did, Wesker would be shirtless in every RE game ever made lol. Or just plain ol' nekked...lol.
Chapter 9
Unknown location
Sam stood in the front of her drawing board, conjuring her many plans to capture the sexiness known as Wesker. No matter what she thought up, nothing seemed to work the way she wanted. She stared at the drawing which had little stick figures of fangirls and boys alike, their arms raised, carrying a stick figured Wesker who was tied to a stretcher, screaming for his dear life.
Yes, Sam thought to herself, I have a plan.
She took her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed a number.
"Hello?" the voice on the other line answered.
"May I speak with...Chaed, please?" Sam asked, grinning to herself knowing this plan had zero chance of failing.
Back to our favorite bad-ass, RPD
Wesker sat at his desk , both hands slowly rubbing away at his temples as he contemplated on what he could do to Chris.
I could always drug him and leave him in a mansion full of zombies or maybe I could just throw him out of a helicopter so he'd fall directly into a volcano where the sulfur could eat away at his lungs or he'd melt into a puddle of pure muscles. Ah, its too easy! Must think of something more evil-
The door busted open, interrupting Wesker and his thoughts. In ran a very nervous and frantic William Birkin.
"Al! Did you not hear what I said this morni-...Heeey! You look different, there's something," Will said as he stared at his partner in crime, trying to figure out what was missing when it was plain and obvious to anyone who knew Wesker.
"Ah-ha! Did you dye your hair?" Will asked.
Wesker stared at Will for a full three minutes, every now and then they would blink at each others idiotic look.
"Yes, William. I dyed my hair. It's a different shade of...blonde. Does it look alright?" Wesker asked as he patted the top of his head.
"I knew it! I always wondered how it was that you had no gray hair-"
"Will."
"And I mean, you're like what? 50, 60 years old and your hair is just so golden-"
William."
"So what shade of blonde is it, buddy? I think I need to dye mine too thanks to all the stress Umbrella-"
"WILLIAM! I don't dye my hair, you fool! I have no...no...no," Wesker said getting emotional, "SUNGLASSES!"
William leaned over the captain's desk, squinting in Wesker's face as if he were trying to make sure there were no sunglasses there.
"Oh! Right, heh-heh," William said, scratching his head.
"You were saying?" Wesker asked.
"I was saying," William said as he looked around the room frantically, "I lost...T-Bird!"
"From Grease?" Wesker asked, confused.
"No! As in THE Tyrant!"
"Oh, well, you're going to have to fill out this missing persons report and I'll see what I can do."
"Uh, Wesker? You do know who T-Bird is, right?"
"Of course."
"And you do know what he is capable of, right?"
"Yes, I do."
"So, shouldn't you be a little more concerned?"
"I am very concerned but I have a more important task at hand! My sunglasses! Without my sunglasses, I can't think straight. And if I can't think straight then I can't think of any diabolical plans to take over this world with. And if I can't take over this world then I wont have the right. And without the right, I can't be a God and we both know how much I want to be a God," Wesker replied, handing Will a booklet and a pen. "Fill this out and I'll see what I can do."
William stared at the booklet and then back at Wesker, then again at the thick booklet. Then he looked at Wesker once again.
"By the time I'm done filling this out, T-Bird will have impaled every living person and thing in Raccoon City!"
"Good! It would save me the trouble of having to waste a perfectly good self destruct button on covering up my mess," Wesker said.
"Don't you mean, OUR mess?" Will asked.
"That's what I said."
Somewhere in a dark alley
"Rainfox, for the last time, I don't want anything to do with those tiny ass pants you call skinny jeans! I am a man and real men wear real jeans," Grusnoid said while posing in the mirror with his new found sunglasses. How Grusnoid could see himself in a mirror wearing sunglasses in a DARK alley is anhybody's guess.
"Oh come on! It wouldn't hurt to try them on and just see what they look like," Rainfox said in a sing song way, sizing the jeans up next to Grusnoid.
"Hell NO! I mean, look at these things," Grusnoid replied, snatching the jeans up and shaking them in his fist. "I don't even know how I would be able to walk in these, let alone how my crotch is going to breathe," Grusnoid suddenly stopped as he looked down at Rainfox who was pouting.
"Women," Grusnoid said taking the jeans and putting his head down in shame.
Two blocks over
Jill walked by her partner in crime's side, head facing forward, eyes fixated on Chris the whole time. His back was hunched as he walked on, whispering so low, no one could hear him. Every now and then he'd laugh hysterically to himself as his right eye become bigger than the other.
La-la-la-...Ya know, he looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. On steroids. On steroids and crack. On steroids, crack and...wait a minute. Is it possible to be on steroids and crack at the same time or-
Jill's own thoughts were interrupted as she felt herself free fall into an open manhole. She landed hard on her rear end.
"OW!"
"I knew if you landed on your butt you'd be fine," said voice in the shadows.
"Hey, who's there?" Jill asked.
Out walked the most handsome guy to ever grace the Raccoon City sewers. His gorgeous blue peepers peering behind his girly, dirty blonde hair (or was it more a light brown) which swayed to a wind that wasn't really there.
"They call me Kennedy. Leon S. Kennedy," Leon replied. "S stands for Sexy," he said flicking his hair and then quickly posing, both hands on his gun as he pointed it upwards.
He posed so hard that his finger went a little trigger happy and he let out three shots simultaneously. Jill couldn't help but to laugh at the display in front of her as rocks, dust and concrete landed on top of Leon.
"More like S for Stupid," she said as she rolled around, holding her sides and laughing out loud.
"A..little...help here," Leon said, coughing from all the dust that was in his beautiful hair.
"Ah-hahah-HAHAH-ha-"
"I think I...broke something," Leon cried.
"-ah-ha-ha-HA! Wooo! Haha-"
"Fine! Laugh you psycho bitch but when you need help one of these days-"
"ahhaha-"
This made Leon mad. So mad, he burst out of the rubble and made his way past Jill, to the open manhole. He looked at Jill who was still laughing and he Superman jumped his way out of the hole.
Jill's laughter came to a sudden halt, eyes as wide as saucers.
"LEEEEOOON! WAAIIT!"
Back to Chris
Chris walked along, talking to himself, never noticing that Jill wasn't by his side.
"So Jill, what do you think of my plan?" Chris asked to the thin air.
He waited for a reply from his partner but it never came.
"Jill?" Chris asked as he turned around to see no one.
"Oh no! Jill?" Chris asked like a moron once again. "I've lost Jill! What am I going to do now?"
He dropped down to his knees as his arms, which were wide open, reached for the skies while his fists of fury balled into tiny fists of fury.
"JIIIIIILL!" He yelled out.
People couldn't help but to stare at Chris who was staring at the sky as if aliens had beamed her up in broad daylight and it was all his fault because he didn't do anything about it.
He finally noticed the crowd gathering around him so he stood up and dusted himself off.
Great! Without Jill to help me get those sunglasses back, what am I going to do? I know, I'll call Barry.
Doughnut Rehab
"And today we will be testing your will to see how long it will take you for you to resist THE URGE. Please introduce yourselves to the newer donut-holics also. Barry, you're first," the counselor said.
"Uh, hello. My name is Barry Burton and I...I am a donut-holic. Well, I was but I'll show those doughnuts whose the boss of me!" he said proudly as he stomped his way over to the plate of Krispy Kreme doughnuts that awaited him. It was then that his phone vibrated and he excused himself to answer it.
"Barry here."
"Barry, its me, Chris."
"Oh, hey Chris."
"I need your help," Chris replied. He then attempted to tell Barry his situation and how he needed a partner to help him pull off his plan.
Barry listened to Chris go on and on, his eyes never leaving the plate of tempting doughnuts in front of her. He licked his lips as he reached out to take one.
It was then that Wesker's superhuman senses sensed that Barry was going to lapse and he pulled out his handy dandy doughnut sensor remote and pushed it.
Barry was zapped with volts of electricity from the bracelet Wesker gave him to wear.
"DOOOOOH!" Barry yelled as he flew backwards across the room.
Back to Chris. Again!
"Barry? Barry!" Chris yelled into his phone. "Great! Ex him off my list. Ah, Joseph!"
Ring! Ring! Ring!
"Frost speaking."
"Joseph! You've got to help-"
"I'm with Barry. Dumbass," Joseph said as he tended to Barry who was in shock from the shock he just took.
Chris panicked. There was one other person who could help him.
Some random dressing room
Brad had searched everywhere for his dream thong bikini and he finally found it. It was a itty bitty teenie weenie yellow polka dot thong bikini, just like the song implied.
"I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy," Brad sang out loud, posing in front of the full body mirror.
"I'm too sexy for your party. Too sexy for you party. No way I'm-"
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Brad, surprised, flipped his phone open with the quickness.
"NO! I do NOT have on a tiny, yellow thong bikini!"
"Brad?" Chris asked, confused.
"NO! I was NOT singing I'm Too sexy!"
"Brad! I need your help-'
"NO! I was NOT flexing my butt cheeks in the mirror and making it clap!"
The line was silent.
"Hello," Brad spoke into the phone, "Hell-ooooo!"
It was then that the dressing room door slowly opened and in walked Chief Brian Irons.
"Hello," the chief whispered in the most perverted voice ever as he batted his eyelashes and wriggling his eyebrows up and down wildly.
Chris stared at his phone for what seemed like forever. In his opinion, it was too much information and something he didn't want a mental image of. Or did he?
NOOO! Not good! I've run out of options...
"You! What's your name?" Chris asked the first guy he saw walking his way.
The guy looked to be about five feet eight inches tall, lanky but definitely not skinny. His hair was slick back and glasses adorned his -insert eye color here- eyes. He wore a plain white t-shirt and well fitted blue jeans.
"Uh...Vampuric...Spider."
"Vampuric...what! What kind of name is that? It's like you're a vampire who's a spider. A spider vampire."
"Uh, well, you can call me Samson if you'd like."
"Shut up! You're coming with me!"
And before Vampuric Spider could say anything else, Chris pulled him into a headlock and dragged his new partner along with him.
In the dark alley once again
Grusnoid found a huge cardboard box and used it as a barrier so Rainfox wouldn't be able to see his He-Man underwear. He took the sunglasses off and carefully placed them on the wooden crate right next to where he changed into his fashionable jeans.
"Yo, munchkin! No peeking!"
"Oh gosh Grusnoid, I already know you wear He-Man underwear," Rainfox replied.
"Wha-? I do not!"
"Yes, you do. I'm looking right at them," Rainfox said, giggling.
Grusnoid looked down to see that the cardboard was only tall enough to cover his knees.
"Curse my height," he mumbled, turning beet red.
It was then that Chris and Vampuric Spider walked by the dark alley. Chris, noticing who they were, grabbed Vampuric Spider by the arm and dragged him to hide behind the dumpster in the alley.
"Now listen up, I'm going to distract them and once they're attention is on me, tackle the big guy and I'll take care of the midget then-OW!" Chris howled in pain, rubbing the top of his head. He looked up to see Rainfox with a pair of jeans rolled up tightly in her hand.
"That's what you get for spying on us," she said, waving the rolled up jeans in the air. "And this is what you get for calling me a midget!"
Vampuric Spider backed away slowly as he watched Rainfox beat Chris with the pair of rolled up jeans. He turned to run when he felt a hand grab his shoulder.
"You're not going anywhere! And why didn't you help me?"
"Uh, well, she was vicious with those jeans. I was scared," Vampuric Spider replied.
"I'm going to distract them. You grab the sunglasses. On three. One. Two. THREEEEEE!"
Chris ran into the alley screaming at the top of his lungs. He ran directly towards Grusnoid (who was fighting with the pair of skinny jeans Rainfox gave him) and grabbed the cardboard box. He then ran towards the jean rack and used it as a skateboard to roll his way out of the alley.
A He-Man underwear wearing Grusnoid and his short sidekick, Rainfox, chased after Chris.
Vampuric Spider tip toed his way into the alley, looking for the sunglasses.
Uh, jackpot!
He spotted the sunglasses on a wooden crate. There was a golden light surrounding the glasses and he could hear angelic voices singing "aaaahhh" in A minor. His hand reached out to grab the glasses when suddenly out of nowhere, a mystery ninja snatched them up. They put them on and turned around to run right into a wall. They got back up and disappeared as quick as they appeared.
Vampuric Spider stood there like a statue, blinking every now and then.
"Uh...that's not good."
A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Now, please be patient as I try to throw fans in randomly. I know a lot of you have been asking to be in the story. Don't worry, you will be added lol. I just have to figure out when to throw you in all the madness and make it humorous at the same time :P. I'd also like to thank everyone who has given me ideas also. I will throw those in too when I can and I will give you credit. Which reminds me, thanks to -GreyedSoul218- for the idea about Brad in a bikini while singing 'I'm Too Sexy'. I haven't really written anything in a long time so this chapter might not have been that funny or might even be crap. Sorry!
Anyway...What is Sam up to? Will T-Bird ever be found? Will Jill ever Superman jump her way out of the sewer? Is Leon hot? Is Chief Irons creepy? Will Rainfox and Grusnoid ever catch up to Chris "the thief" Redfield? Who is the mystery ninja? Do I ask too many questions? Join me next time as our favorite characters go to hell and back! LOL! Please be so kind to leave me a review of any kind. Thanks! ^_^