I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT!
I held on tighter to Renesmee as I saw the sliver Volvo pull up. My lungs went against my protesting brain and breathed in the air that was already filled with his scent. The scent I missed more than anything on this planet.
The most beautiful scent my steal lungs have ever tasted.
It was raining here at the parking lot where our exchange usually goes down. So he wasn't wearing his sunglasses or a baseball cap, in stead, his stunning and beautiful features--not a day over seventeen--where exposed, and breaking whatever was left of my heart.
"Daddy!" Renesmee's face lit up as she clapped her hands together and wiggled in my arms. "Momma, it's Daddy." She sang happily.
He stepped out of the car at human speed, debating every move he made towards me and Nessie.
My eyes could not stay on him for longer than a few seconds. Between us, eye contact was one of that many things that were few and far apart. He was too close when I looked up at him. Quickly, I let my eyes fall to the ground and I refused to breathe.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her in the passenger seat, smiling and waving at me, as if she hadn't stole my life right from my hands.
As if she hadn't taken everything that was once mine.
I looked down and gathered my thoughts as I passed our daughter to him. At the same time, he slipped four cards into my hands. We were careful not to let our hands touch during the trade.
"Birthday cards." He said in the dazzling voice that made my knees weak every time I heard it. He nodded and smiled. "I was sure to tell Alice no presents."
I attempted to smile, but it just felt like I was going to cry. "That's fine. I'm sure there's a hundred dollar bill in one of these." I held them up, then let my hands fall to my legs with a clap.
"Nineteen... Again." He smiled slightly. I knew that he only said that so I would playfully pretend to be upset and insist that I was eighteen.
But the only reason for which I wanted to be younger was gone. I just shrugged my shoulders and played with the piece of my hair that was falling out of my pony tail. "Nineteen isn't that bad, I guess."
His face remained blank as Renesmee looked up at him. "Daddy...." She said finally. Like her voice held a string tied to his head, he looked in her direction immediately.
"Yes?"
"Can Momma come this time?" She asked him, though she was looking at me.
This question was asked every Friday. Still, we never knew how to correctly answer it. "Not this weekend, baby." I painted on a smile and kissed her forehead. "But Jake will be there tomorrow. Promise."
Edward rolled his eyes at the mention of Jacob. I saw the look on his face that he usually gave me right before they left. I felt the familiar pain in my stomach as I realized I didn't want him to leave. I had to keep him talking.
I said the first thing that came to my mind. "Esme called the other day..."
His eyebrows popped up in fake surprise "Oh? What did she say?" He knew exactly what she said. On the phone, I had to pretend I didn't hear Renesmee ask him why he was listening in the background.
"She wanted me to come to Nessie's birthday party." My eyes flickered to her and I smiled. "Which is tomorrow." I said teasingly to her. She had been counting the days since three months ago.
"You should come." I tried to tell myself that I was imagining the hopeful tone in his voice.
"Charlie's coming, plus Jake and the rest of the pack. It will be too crowded." I shrugged and started to turn back to my car.
Before I could fear or hope that he would give up, he pulled my arm back.
The touch was too much for my mind to handle. It spun around at a million memories a second. I had no choice but to breathe in a gasp of fresh air. But it was poisoned with his scent.
"Edward, I don't want to go." I said in a tone he couldn't get around. "And I think it's wrong that you keep getting your family to call me ask when I'm going to visit." I didn't want to say these things in front of my daughter, but if I asked him to put her down, I feared how serious the conversation would get. "You know that I don't like to be put on the spot like that."
He was silent as he looked down to the dirt ground below us.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Tanya's three stone Tiffany engagement ring.
Suddenly my ring finger felt very naked.
I swallowed and picked up the bag of clothes and stuff animals she insisted on bringing. "Everythings in there."
His eyes went glassy for a second, before he ever so slowly started to lean into me.
My dead heart fell into my stomach as I pulled my cheek away from his lips before they got too close. I allowed my mind to wonder how many weekends he was going to try to get that close. But I felt a strange pain in my chest when I thought about when he would stop.
Tanya pretended she didn't see the exchange as she turned on the radio.
"Just go." Jacob said absentmindedly as he flipped through the channels of my TV.
I was pacing so much that I feared my floor was going to start to wear out, and I would fall into the basement. "Easy for you to say, you're there everyday." Jacob spent half of his life on my couch, and the other half on Edward's. Even when Renesmee wasn't there.
Jacob was our common ground. When things got awkward between me and Edward, one of us would bring up something he did or said that day that got us both upset, but made us laugh in the end.
"I can't believe he made Esme call me. A simple invitation would have been alright." I shrugged my shoulders. I still talked to Esme, and the rest of his family. But I liked to do it because we wanted to talk to each other, not because it was the only way Edward could have me around him without feeling guilty towards Tanya.
"He still loves you." He said, stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth.
Had I given thought to Edward still loving me? Of course. I thought about that every second of my life. But he loved Tanya more.
Sometimes I think that it might be much easier if he hated me, or wanted nothing to do with me. The fact that he still loved me made it much, much harder.
"Sucks, doesn't it?" Jacob teased. I guess it was obvious what I was thinking about. It always was.
He took a deep breath and looked up at me. "Go. Wear something sexy, and look better than Tanya." He smiled.
"I'm not going to wear something "sexy" to my daughter's second birthday." I shook my head and stopped pacing. "Besides, Tanya's prettier than me." I sighed.
"That's it." Jacob sat up and grabbed the phone off of the end table next to the couch. "I'm calling Alice."
"And...?"
"Telling her to come here and bring you something sexy." I rolled my eyes and took the phone from him.
My eyes flickered to the clock next to my bed. It was 4:24 AM.
I could feel the pain from the knot in my throat grew tighter and tighter. I couldn't move even if I wanted to, my body felt so weak.
My eyes fell closed and I wanted nothing more than sleep. I just wanted to be human, fragile, and whole.
How could he do this to me? How could he just change his mind?
All it took was a second glance at her while I was visiting Charlie. And he didn't even have the guts to tell me. In stead I received a phone call from a crying Alice telling me whatever I do, don't talk to my husband until they can talk some sense into him... Or at least get Tanya out of the house.
I tried so hard to fight the sob in behind my lips, but I didn't know what the point was. Every night I cried, and died a little more.
What was the point of putting up an effort to stop?
"Why'd you do this to me?" I whispered as I stuffed my face into the pillow. "I loved you."