Alphonse Elric sighed happily.

"Finally, some time alone with an old favorite, A Beginner's Guide To Alchemy. No older brother to bother me. How could this afternoon get any better?" Said older brother was out for the week, a short mission that would end tomorrow- or so Al had thought. He whirled around at the bang of the door hitting the wall as Ed walked in, loud and somewhat annoying, as usual.

"Hi Al! I'm back!" The brown-haired teen concealed a groan.

"Hello brother." His greeting was nearly overrun by Ed's energetic barrage of news.

"Al, you'll never guess what happened on the train back here. This guy was smiling at me, and talking to me." This information was delivered with a hint of contempt, indicating the blonde alchemist had most definitely not instigated this conversation.

"Oh, that's very interesting," mused Al, his polite murmurings once again bowled over as his older brother continued his story.

"He was being really friendly. Heck, I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay." An eye roll accompanied this statement, transferring the thoughts in the blonde's head: 'Like that'd ever happen.' Alphonse, however, didn't notice, as the book had slipped from his fingers. He hurriedly picked it up, concealing the faint blush that came to his face whenever the topic of sexuality came up in conversation. This happened more often now, with the elder wondering why Al- 16-year-old, healthy, male Al- seemed to display no interest in romance whatsoever.

"So why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care, what'd you have for lunch today?" The younger Elric's words were hurried as he attempted to steer the conversation in a different direction. Ed arched an eyebrow, obviously assuming the wrong reason behind Al's quick words.

"Well you don't have to get all defensive about it, Al-"

"I'm not getting defensive!" Lids slid closed over Alphonse's brass-colored eyes as the teen tried to regain his composure. However, Ed seemed determined to keep his little brother from that goal.

"Well, I didn't mean anything by it, Al, I just think this is something that we should be able to talk about." The younger Elric floundered, scrabbling for some small scrap of sanity.

"I don't want to talk about it, brother. This conversation is over."

"Yeah, but-"

"OVER!" Ed sighed.

"Well, okay, but just so you know..." A quick glance in the blonde's direction gave Al the absolutely horrible information that he was in for another of his brother's long, usually embarrassing 'brotherly talks.'

"If you were gay, that'd be okay. I mean 'cause hey, I'd like you anyway." Al buried his face in his book.

"Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay- but I'm not gay," the elder Elric added hurriedly. Al sighed shakily.

"Brother, please. I am trying to read." A few moments passed in silence, with Ed leaning over the back of the sofa, looking sidelong into his little brother's eyes. Eventually, Al got tired of this 'scholarly interest' and inquired of his brother, "What?" A grin spread over Edward's face, obviously enjoying his role of 'older brother.'

"If you were queer," he started. Al stood up with an annoyed sigh, book in hand.

"Ah, brother..."

"I'd still be here-" Edward talked with his hands, gesturing wildly, completely ignoring the fact that he was liable to hit and destroy any loose objects in the room.

"Brother, I'm trying to read this book-"

"Year after year-"

"Brother!"

"Because you're dear to me."

"Argh!" The brown-haired teen looked back down at the Beginner's Guide, moving to the other side of the room.

"And I know that you," Ed paused for breath, having barreled straight over all of Al's previous comments and protests.

"What?"

"Would accept me too-"

"I would?" The younger Elric wasn't as sure on that point as his brother seemed to be at this particular moment in time. Right now, the only thing he was willing to accept from Edward was this annoying barrage of 'brotherly encouragement.'

"If I told you today, 'Hey, guess what, I'm gay!' But I'm not gay," the blonde reinforced. By this point, Al was just trying to tune his elder out.

"I'm happy just being with you." Alphonse started listing off elements under his breath to keep his mind occupied on something other than what his brother was saying.

"Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium..." Ed didn't seem to notice, continuing with his 'lecture.'

"So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?" This was too much for the younger teen.

"Brother, that is wrong!" The slight blush on Al's face at the beginning of this (admittedly, mostly one-sided) conversation had brightened to a shade reminiscent of a tomato. As normally happened during these talks, Edward completely disregarded his little brother's opinion.

"No it's not! If you were gay, I'd shout 'Hooray!'" Al stared pointedly at his book, deeply hoping that his brother was just running out of ideas and that he didn't truly mean his latest statement.

"I am not listening."

"And here I'd stay," the blonde continued, draping himself over Al's shoulder. His brown-haired little brother immediately shook him off, shaking his head and continuing the list under his breath.

"Neon, sodium, magnesium..."

"But I wouldn't get in your way." Ed was suddenly right in front of his younger sibling, elicting a startled cry from the brown-haired teen.

"Ah!" Alphonse backpedaled quickly, holding the book in front of him like a shield.

"You can count on me to always be beside you every day, to tell you it's okay, you were just born that way, and as they say, it's in your DNA, you're gay!"

"But I'm not gay!" His free hand ran through his brown hair, snarling it into as many knots as his sanity must have been in.

"If you were gay!" Alphonse threw up both hands in frustration, dropping the book on a table.

"Agh!" He stalked upstairs and locked himself in his room, not to talk to or even look at his older brother for the next four hours. Downstairs, said older brother looked the way Al had disappeared, confusion evident.

"What?"

A/Ns:

-I have no clue what prompted me to do this. It was just a random idea. And yes, I did take a few liberties to make it fit the setting better (IE Ed rides a train rather than a subway, Al is reading a book about alchemy rather than Broadway musicals [WHICH DON'T EXIST IN AMESTRIS], etc)

-Much apology to the poor, humiliated Alphonse Elric. It was just too funny to resist typing and posting.

-Reviews are appreciated, flames will be used for toasting marshmallows (and possibly setting said marshmallows on fire to throw at a certain fairy/vampire *cough*EdwardCullen*cough*)

Credits:

Rod...Alphonse Elric

Nicky...Edward Elric

Director/Author...Zenna95 aka "Zenchan"

Special thanks to Hiromu Arakawa and the producers, actors and everyone else who had a part in the original broadway 'Avenue Q' or the manga/anime series 'Fullmetal Alchemist,' neither of which are owned by Zenchan.