Plot Summary: Narcissa Malfoy's little lie to Voldemort (read: Deathly Hallows) barely saves her family from being sentenced to life in Azkaban, and they are given a second chance. . .but only if they mediate the conflict between the vampires and werewolves at Forks. If they don't, a war will ensue that will make the magical world known to Muggles, not to mention kill a lot of people. However, Victoria is still on the loose and is still recruiting . . . In the meantime, Bella learns the hard way that the sun doesn't shine up her ass. Rated T for safety, this story alternates between Bella's and Draco's POV (but mostly Bella's).

This story takes place after "Deathly Hallows," (but before the epilogue) and during an Alternate Universe "Eclipse".

N.B.: I don't know who will be shipped with who, so don't ask. Suggestions are certainly welcome, though I may not take them.

A/N: First off, I love the "Twilight" series. I also happen to like making fun of it. A lot. As a result, this story pokes fun at a lot of aspects of the world Stephanie Meyers created.

Draco fans, attention: I decided to give him more of a film noir-ish feel in order to fit with the "Voldemort lost and I could get sent to Azkaban" mood. If it bothers anyone, please tell me. Also, if Draco is horrifically OOC, tell me. He's my favorite character in the series. The last thing I want is to write a cannon Stu.

PS: I'm only writing this for fun, so I don't really care if it gets flamed. That being said, I am an aspiring author, so I'd like tips on how to make it better.

Wow, that was long. Whew! :) Enjoy the story!

Draco's POV:

Muggles suck.

That was an easy enough conclusion to reach. I made it ten seconds after arriving to this dreary town. How can Mudbloods manage it, not using magic in a place where every little thing is so inconveniently placed? I never had to go through it. Heck, Hogwarts wouldn't even be teaching Muggle Studies if I had my way, for all of them would be, well. . .

I admit it. This is hard to think about. Everything I ever learned is apparently evil. Every cause I have ever learned to believe in is lost. All the people I have ever trusted are dead, and, in one case, happened to be a traitor to the cause. The only people I had left were my family, and even we ran the risk of going to Azkaban if we didn't get this deed accomplished. Not that it sounded too hard. How difficult could mediating an interspecies conflict between vampires and werewolves be? But still, the risk was there, and I couldn't help but feel. . .cowardly? Ha! Not cowardly. I'm no coward. Most definitely not. But I feel something, for sure.

Along the way to the school I was to attend (Call it pathetic, but I actually had to walk there, as broom using was out and my father didn't know how to drive a Muggle contraption.), the Ministry's single rule for interacting with the beings of Forks raced through my head:

"Don't use magic unless you are certain you won't be seen."

Temporarily suspending my magic until I actually found the vampires and werewolves was going to be the epitome of suck, but at the moment, I just didn't want to think about it. I certainly didn't want to be self pitying.

"Draco?"

My father interrrupted me from my many battling thoughts, and I looked up.

"Draco, we're there."

I shrugged. I certainly didn't care. Either way, I looked up in order to see the building, but instead, my attentioned was turned to a huge crowd of people (students, perhaps) crowding around two young men that were probably fighting about something or another. I shook my head, as such scenes reminded me of my own fights with Potter.

Before I could think any further, however, I felt a blunt buzz in my mind. It wasn't entirely unfamiliar, however; it was the same type of buzz that I felt during occlumency lessons.

Somebody was trying to access my thoughts. Fortunately, I was always quite capable at occlumency, thanks to my deceased Aunt, so I was able to successfully block out the intruder. However, as soon as I did, a million thoughts poured through my brain. It had never occurred to me that another wizarding family was sent to mediate the conflict. But what did they want with MY thoughts? And how did they know who I was?

I smirked. It seemed like I stood out more than I expected.

When we got to the school perimeters, my father left to let me wade this out by myself. I was on my own. I decided at that moment to linger at the fight scene a bit more. I got a closer look at the two arguers. One of them was strongly built, stronger than I had ever seen anyone, and had a certain danger quality to him. The other looked like a pale Cedric Diggory with a bad hair day.

"You don't think Bella has the right to know?" the tall, strongly built one challenged. "Its her life!"

Ah, so there was some girl involved. Lovely.

"Why should she be frightened when she was never in danger?" the other said.

"Better frightened than lied to. Besides, you'd have to explain the big one's disappearance eventually."

At that, the bronze haired one turned ten times paler than he actually was. "I was going to tell her."

"Tell me what?" a mousy looking girl said. That must be her, I thought. She was rather unattractive. Why the fuss over her?

"Ok, get to class. Anyone caught loitering will get detention."

I looked up, and an adult figure (probably the headmaster) was ushering the students away from the crowd. I decided that I wouldn't follow them. After all, I was new. I could get away with anything on the premises that I don't know the rules.

I watched as the headmaster descended through the throngs of students and to the two troublemakers. He approached the bronze haired one and began to speak. "Ah, Mr. Cullen. Do we have a problem here?"

The student looked like he was after blood (the other student's blood, to be more precise), but instead said, "No, not at all." The other boy's grin widened. It was clear that victory was his.

The headmaster turned to the other student and said something I couldn't make out. After the exchange, the student hopped on his muggle device and stormed away. I couldn't help but look after him, partially for the gutso he showed, partly for the vehicle. Such a thing could come in handy whilst my broomstick was a no go.

"So I assume that you are the new student."

I looked up, and the headmaster was looking right at me. I quickly turned around to get a glimpse of the what was left of the brawl. Cullen was about to leave with the girl when he got distracted, presumably by the headmaster's words. He quickly made an about face and his gaze met mine. He started staring at me, so I looked away.

"Hello?"

"Oh, yes," I said. At the corner of my eye, I could see that Cullen was still looking at me.

"Ah, I was looking for you. Do you need help finding your classes?"

No way did I need help from a Muggle, I thought, but I merely said, "I can manage."

"Good," said the headmaster, and he started to leave.

"Wait!" I said.

"Excuse me, Malfoy?"

I cringed. Muggle headmasters must be just as annoying as magical ones. "When am I going to get sorted?"

"Sorted?"

"Well, where I come from, you get sorted based upon your personality into a house, and that determines who you compete with in sporting events and-"

"I'll tell you what house you're in. You're in house 'go to class before you get detention.' And don't be a smart aleck with me again, got that?"

I certainly didn't want to be on this guy's bad side, so I simply walked away.

Boy, are muggles full of suck.

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Bella's POV

"Edward?"

I waved my hand over his eyes. He was just staring into space. I would have none of that. I wanted answers.

He finally looked up. "Sorry, Bella, its nothing. Shall I escort you to English?"

I looked at my watch. We must have stood there an extra minute more than we really needed to, however, I wanted to take it slow. There was something Edward wasn't telling me about that night. About Emmett. "Sure," I finally said, "as long as you tell me what the heck is going on. And spare me the protective crap, please."

We started walking, and after a brief silence, Edward began.

"Alice saw that Victoria was coming back-"

"I figured as much."

Edward nodded. "I took you out of town as a precaution that night. But it shouldn't have mattered. Emmett and Jasper nearly had her-"

"What happened to Emmett?" I asked. I remembered Edward growing especially uneasy when Jacob mentioned him.

Edward twitched involuntarily. "Well, Victoria escaped down the Quileute boundary line. Emmett and Jasper chased her, as did the Quileutes. Emmett went over the line and. . ." He stopped there, seemingly at a loss for words.

My eyes widened. Not Emmett. . .

But by the time he had said that, we had reached Mr. Berty's class. He was in the middle of a Robert Frost poem, completely oblivious to the problems of the world beyond. He had no idea that a civil war between vampires and werewolves would ensue.

I grimaced. All of this was my fault, of that I was certain. Why couldn't I keep out of trouble for at least a minute?

I spent the rest of English class quietly absorbed in my own thoughts about the gravity of all of this. Occasionally, I would send a note to Edward, but he would never respond.

After English, I solemnly walked towards the cafeteria. To my surprise, I found Lauren waiting for me. I decided right then to avoid talking to her.

"Bella,"

I turned around. Shoot.

"Yes, Lauren?"

"There is this new boy in town, and he is the most attractive sex god I have ever laid my eyes on. Now, I want to make myself perfectly clear: If you even so much as THINK of laying your hands on him, you're dead."

Wow. That was unexpected. "Ok. . .sure. . ."

"Don't give me that! I know what you're thinking! You're thinking that you'll take him away from me as well! You already have two hot guys fighting over you, and now you want a third one! I saw the way you were looking at him! He's mine, I tell you!"

I sighed. The world could end any day now, and Lauren cared about me stealing her crush away. Boy, how I envied her.

"Good luck with that," I said, and I proceeded to head towards my usual seat at the Cullen's table. Along the way, I couldn't help but notice a solitary chair occupying a single table. Sitting on the chair was a young student (I'm guessing around my age) oblivious of the rest of the world. I hadn't recognized him as a regular student, though I thought I had remembered him from earlier; he was there at the fight, and Edward had stared at him afterwards.

Was it possible that he was a vampire?

I looked at him more closely from afar. Like Edward, he was perfectly beautiful, like a marble statue of a Norse God. The word "Loki" sprung instantly to mind. His narrow jaw and thin lips were perfect, and his pale blonde hair neatly parted. The one thing I noticed that was weird was his grey eyes. As beautiful as they were, vampires don't have grey eyes. With that exception, he certainly fit the description quite well.

I took my seat besides Edward. I noticed that all of the Cullens looked dead. I mean, technically, they were dead; they just looked more dead than usual.

After a long silence, Edward spoke up.

"What are you thinking, Bella?"

I looked up at Edward. I wondered whether or not I should ask about the nature of vampire's eyes. Instead, I settled on something more obvious. "I'm very sorry about all of this."

"Why? You did nothing wrong, Bella."

Yes and no, I thought. I did enough wrong that the world may end, and I was innocent enough that its not my fault. Unlike most people, I got to have my cake and eat it, too.

Instead of saying all that, however, I instead said "But you said so yourself. I attract danger and trouble like a magnet. Its like the forces of nature are against me."

"Look," said Edward, "all people have quirks that they can't help. You're quirk just so happens to be the ability to put yourself in mortal danger. It certainly isn't your fault that you were born with that ability."

He was right, of course. I was happy hearing that it wasn't my fault, even though I already knew that it wasn't my fault. It was great to have reassurance over something that I already knew. I decided to change the subject. "How critical is Emmett's condition?" I asked, hoping that it was nothing serious.

"Emmett's condition isn't too bad. He should be fine in about a week," said Jasper.

"But then-"

"It was Paul who was killed when Rosalie got defensive. THAT'S what triggered. . ." Jasper's words trailed off.

Suddenly, Alice bursted out laughing, thus breaking the grim mood. Jasper and Edward looked at her quizically.

After recovering her breath, Alice giggled. "Angela won't be joining us for lunch today, I'm afraid,"

I frowned. Angela's mudane problems could certainly distract us from more depressing things. "Why not?" I said.

"Because Lauren and Jessica kidnapped her."

I looked over at Jessica and Lauren. They had linked Angela to their arms and were trotting over to the new kid's table. I rolled my eyes, yet a part of me wondered what they were going to say to him. I was pretty sure Edward didn't need a distraction from this dismal mood (so I couldn't ask him), but I certainly did. "Excuse me for a second. I think I'm going to sit with Mike and the guys today," I said. Everyone looked at me, and Edward mumbled something under his breath, but I decided to ignore it.

When I got there, I was enthusiastically greeted by Mike. He started blabbing about something. I paid no attention, only giving the obligatory "yeahs" and "uh-huhs" at the right places. All my focus was on Lauren and Jessica.

The new kid was quietly eating his sandwich when Lauren's posse approached him. There was silence for a few minutes when he spoke up.

"Are you going to continue to gawk, or are you going to say something?"

Jessica let out an involuntary giggle. Lauren covered and said, "Hi! We just saw you sitting alone and figured that you might want company." The boy said nothing as Lauren and Jessica sat down. Angela remained standing. She clearly did not want to be there.

"Listen, we just want to help you get used to the school," said Jessica.

There was an awkward silence. "Well?" said the boy.

"For one thing, we have to warn you of someone," said Lauren.

Uh oh, I thought. This can't be good.

"Bella Swan."

I dropped my fork while Mike was in the middle of a sentence. She did NOT just say that. Was she really campaigning for everyone to actively hate me?

"Bella Swan? Who's that?"

"You'll know when you see her. She's surrounded by gorgeous men all the time, and they're always fighting over her. It makes you wonder if there's something else going on behind closed doors. We don't want you to get caught up with a slut like that."

His eyes widened, "You mean the girl who was in the middle of the big fight today?"

So he had remembered.

"The same," said Jessica. Angela by this time had snuck away.

"Ah, the mouse," he said as matter of factually. "Don't worry about that. She wouldn't be my type even if she wasn't a giant slut. Far too homely for me."

Wait, what? Was I hearing this correctly? Did he just call me a mouse?!

I didn't understand. He was obviously single, obviously British, obviously gorgeous, and obviously not human (because anyone who's beautiful in Forks isn't human) . .why didn't he have a raging crush on me? It didn't make sense. None at all. Something clearly wasn't wrong with me. Edward had just said so. Rather, something was wrong with HIM.

A relaxed look appeared on Jessica and Lauren's faces. "Good. Now that we got that out of the way-"

"And I wouldn't go for you two, either, so fuck off."

Lauren and Jessica exchanged long faces with each other and went on their way. At least some good came out of this.

"Bella?" I looked up. I had completely zoned out of my conversation with Mike. "Are you ok?"

"Fine," I lied.

At that moment, the lunch bell rang. Thank the gods.

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Hope it wasn't TOO awful. Please review. Also note that I like constructive criticism more than either flames OR "good story plz rite more!!!!111!1". Thank you.