I remember sitting on Sirius knee when I was little girl, very poorly with Bowtruckle Fever, and sighing very dramatically as Sirius stroked my hair and back.

"That's a very big sigh for such a little girl Dora B. What's wrong sweetheart?"

I sighed again, even bigger than the last, and look up at him through my long turquoise hair with large eyes.

"Well, supposing I die, I mean it's quite likely really, I've never been this ill before and well I'm really worried-"

"Don't be silly, you're not going to die, nobody dies of Bowtruckle fever love. You feel really bad now but in a few days you'll be running around and knocking things over again." He smiled down at me and patted my knee. He didn't understand. I remember thinking that he was becoming to grown up.

"No you don't understand, I'm not worried about dying silly. I'm worried that I might never be kissed. What if I die and I'm never kissed? You can't say nobody dies of it, my friend Ellimara's Aunt died of it, and she wasn't married and what if no one had ever kissed her? What a terrible thing to happen to someone, and I don't want it to happen to me and….and…" I trailed off and burst into tears, clutching at Sirius black shirt. How ridiculous he must have found me, but instead of laughing, he reached down and tipped my chin up so that I was looking at him. He leaned down slowly, and my eyes went as big as dinner plates as I felt his breath on my mouth, then he gently kissed me on the lips, pulled back and patted my hair.

"There now Dora B. You've been kissed. Do you feel better?"

I frown slightly. While it was very nice of Sirius to kiss me, it wasn't a proper kiss. Not like in the Muggle films that Mum and Dad watch. The girls get wrapped up in the mans arms and it lasts loads longer and their mouths aren't pressed tightly closed. And it's not all gentle like that.

"But that wasn't a proper kiss. I mean a proper kiss, like in the Muggle films and like how I saw you kiss that girl at the Yule Ball in Hogsmeade last year and…." I trail off thinking of more examples, but Sirius laughs at me finally. I scowl and turn away, making to stand up when he grabs me and pulls me close. For one heart stopping moment I think he's going to kiss me, properly, and my small stomach flutters with butterflies.

"I promise to kiss you properly, before you die."

Every single day that Sirius was in Azkaban I felt angry. Because he'd broken his promise. Mum told me when I was old enough that Sirius wasn't just away, that he wouldn't be coming back because he'd done some very bad things. But that I should still love him, because he loved me. I longed for it to all be a terrible dream. I still long for that.

Ginny has been talking to me. We were decorating one of the rooms just before Christmas. She asked if my first kiss was special. I hesitated, but told her the story. I said before I could stop myself that it was the most special moment of my life. She looked shocked and slightly disappointed. Her first kiss was not hers. It was not from whom she wanted it to be from. That poor girl. I know how she feels. All the people I dated and kissed and slept with whilst Sirius was in Azkaban and on the run, I was never in love with. It never felt quite right. And now I know why.

I don't know whether it's possible to fully understand that you are in love at that age. But I certainly do not think it is impossible for to be. You don't suddenly develop the capacity for that type of love when you come of age. All I know is that whenever I was with someone else, from my next kiss at the age of 13 and onwards, I never felt right. My stomach would clench painfully and my heart would ache. I cried myself to sleep after I lost my virginity and I couldn't understand why. Technically, everything had been great. But I felt sick and had to get up and shower till I was raw. I split up with him the next day, and I still feel terrible at the thought to this day because apparently I broke his heart. It wasn't until after the first time Sirius and I were intimate and I didn't feel the urge to get up and leave for the bathroom to shower straight away, or to weep, or to retch, that I realised and made the connection. I might not have thought very much of my first kiss at the time, but I certainly do now.