This is another version of my previous story, "I Hate My Fans", but I changed some parts around and wrote it from Zack and Cloud's view. So it's kind of similar, but not really. I'm not sure. =P

Dedicated to MentalChipmunk! ^^

Oh and thanks to Vincent Severus Myrcroft, who gave me a funny idea for this story. ^^

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Final Fantasy. Sad, isn't it? :(

WARNING: Some OOC and SephxCloud, like usual.

Enjoy! =D

It was another lively day at ShinRa headquarters as lunchtime rolled around.

"I'm so BORED!" Zack wailed as he slammed his hands down hard on the cafeteria table. He and Cloud were sitting at their usual spot in the corner of the room. Dozens of people gaped at Zack as they passed by, but he was too absorbed in his moaning and complaining to care.

"You already told me that," Cloud pointed out as he took another bite of his sandwich. "Sixteen times."

"Nooo!" Zack protested, pouting. "Did not."

"Yeah, you did. I've been counting."

"Well, I am bored!" Zack groaned. From another table over, Tseng glared at Zack in annoyance, but Zack ignored him and continued his rant.

"And sooooooo TIRED!" Zack flung himself around Cloud's shoulders, and Cloud sighed as his sandwich was knocked from out of his hands. It rolled across his tray, smearing his other food with meat, lettuce and other condiments before coming to a halt at the end of the table, teetering on the edge. "I swear, if Lazard makes me sit through one more meeting-"

"Heyyy, guys!" A tray of food clattered onto the table and Angeal slid into the seat across from them, grinning mischievously.

Cloud gulped. That couldn't be good.

"Hey," Zack groaned, releasing his grip on Cloud and allowing him to continue to eat his lunch. "What's up?"

Angeal glanced around a few times, then lowered his voice. "You guys will never guess what I found out about Sephiroth."

Cloud nearly spewed out his soda. Eyes bulging, he slapped a hand to his mouth while Zack immediately perked up and leaned in towards Angeal.

"What? What? Tell me!" He demanded, his hands curling into fists. Any gossip about Sephiroth had to be good.

"Well," Angeal started, a grin spreading across his lips, "You know how his office is like, disgustingly neat all the time, right?"

"Yeah," Zack chirped impatiently, now literally on the edge of his seat. "So what?"

Angeal cracked another grin. "I heard he's a total slob at home. Like, crap everywhere."

"Omigosh!" Zack squealed, laughing. "No way."

Cloud couldn't believe it. His General Sephiroth was a…a slob? It just couldn't be possible.

"And you know what else? I tried asking him about it today, and he got all mad. He wouldn't say anything about it." Angeal leaned back in his seat, arms folded. Cloud felt as if he were watching a detective movie. "Seems kinda suspicious, don't you think? We might need to investigate this further."

"Hmmm," Zack stroked his chin, playing along with the random detective theme. "I think we have a case on our hands, Commander Hewley."

"Zack! We shouldn't be here!"

Cloud tried to squirm his way out of Zack's iron grip as he was forcefully dragged through the doors of Sephiroth's apartment building.

"Yeah, yeah. C'mon, or we're not gonna have enough time." Zack replied, refusing to let go of Cloud's arm. With his free hand, he glanced down at his watch. "Seph gets out of that meeting at eight."

Cloud stared up at him in disapproval. "Weren't you supposed to be at that meeting, too?"

Zack grinned. "Maaaybe..."

Cloud rolled his eyes. "How are we gonna get in, anyway? You don't have a key," He pointed out, still struggling to break free.

A few moments later, they came to the front desk. A girl in her early twenties sat at the desk, her nose buried in a fashion magazine.

"Like this." Zack smiled. He released his grip on Cloud's arm and strolled up to the desk, smoothing his spiky hair back. The girl behind the desk glanced up from her magazine, and her eyes widened. A smile spread on her lips as she stared up at Zack.

"Hey," Zack leaned against the desk and smiled, turning on his natural charm.

"Can I help you?" She asked, leaning her head on her hand and batting her eyelids.

Cloud groaned obnoxiously. He glanced around quickly and debated making a run for it while he had the chance, but he knew it was nearly impossible to outrun Zack.

"Well," Zack lowered his voice, but still kept it just as flirty. "I was wondering if you could get me a key to General Sephiroth's apartment." He pointed to his SOLDIER badge. "Official ShinRa business."

The girl giggled. "Sure, no problem." She disappeared behind the desk for a few moments, then returned with a key dangling from her finger. Cloud winced at her blood red fingernails. She could probably kill someone with those if she wanted to.

"Thanks, babe." Zack took the key and slipped it into his pocket. "See ya around."

He turned around to face Cloud and grinned, dangling the key in Cloud's face. "See? No problem."

Cloud glared at him. "If we get caught, I'm blaming all of this on you."

"Shhh." Zack pressed a finger to Cloud's frowning lips. "Not so loud," He warned, glancing back at the girl, who was still checking Zack out. She gave him a flirty wave. Zack waved back, and Cloud jerked his arm down.

"We don't have time for that!" Cloud hissed. "And besides, I don't think Aerith would appreciate you flirting with that girl anyway."

"Okay, okay," Zack replied, ushering Cloud over to the elevator. "C'mon, Cloud. We gotta move or we're gonna run out of time."

You're telling me, Cloud growled in his mind as they made their way over to the elevator.

"Just let me know if you need anything else, okay?" The girl called from the desk, still smiling.

Zack winked at her. "No problem." He replied, shoving Cloud into the elevator and then disappearing into it.

"Okaaay," Zack examined the key one they were inside the elevator. Across the side in little gold letters was the room number. "We need floor six."

Cloud reluctantly punched the button for floor six. The elevator doors closed, and then they found themselves rising up.

The elevator ride was pretty much silent except for the sappy music wailing over the speakers. Once they reached the sixth floor, the doors slid open and Cloud found himself being dragged out of the elevator and down the hall.

"Seph being a slob!" Zack cried as he read the numbers of each door, looking for the right one. "And here I was, calling him a neat freak behind his back. I swore he had OCD or something." He grinned. "Can you imagine?"

"No," Cloud answered, giving up his attempt at squirming out of Zack's rock-hard grasp. He had found that it was just easier to get dragged around against his will then put up a fight he couldn't win.

Several moments later, Zack stopped in front of a door about halfway down the hall. Apartment 643.

"Found it!" Zack sang, jamming the key into the lock. Cloud whimpered as the lock clicked, and the door creaked open slowly. Zack took a few glances around the hall, then stuffed Cloud into the apartment and shut the door behind them.

The apartment was pitch black inside. Cloud stumbled forward a few steps, then yelped in pain as his foot collided hard with the wall. He heard Zack fumbling for the light switch behind him.

Suddenly the lights flickered on overhead, momentarily blinding Cloud. He rubbed his eyes for a few moments, stunned by the light. Looking up slowly, he glanced around his beloved General's apartment for the first time and gasped.

Angeal had been right.

There was junk everywhere. Books and magazines were strewn all across the floor in a mess. Clothes, bills, Chinese take-out food containers and Cloud didn't even know what were randomly scattered in the sea of decay. They were piled so thickly that at first Cloud couldn't even tell what color the carpet was. It looked as if Sephiroth had taken a leaf blower to his apartment. He stood there in shock, still not believing the sight in front of him.

"Oh my GOD!" Zack cried, a wide grin spreading across his face. "Look at this place!" He squealed, throwing his arms up. "And he tells me I'm a slob. What a freakin' hypocrite!"

Cloud opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. It was true. His beloved was a slob. Something in the corner of his eye caught his attention, and he gasped.

At least five or six trash bags lined the wall, all stuffed completely. A few of the bags looked as if they were about to explode. Cloud took a step back, just in case.

"Ok, we've seen it. The General's a… a..." Cloud couldn't get the rest of the sentence out; it was too painful. "Can we go now?" He asked, but got no reply. Irritated, he glanced around and realized that Zack had disappeared. "Zack?" He called out, wandering around the apartment carefully. He took one look into the kitchen and gawked at the mess. He didn't know it was even possible to stack that many dishes in a sink. Not to mention the ones that littered all the counters. Even more trash bags were piled on the floor, some oozing with what looked like leftover food scraps. Feeling nauseated, Cloud took a few steps away from the kitchen and scurried back into the living room.

"DUUUUUDE!" He heard Zack holler from the bathroom. Startled, Cloud hurried to the bathroom, being careful not to trip over the trash scattered across the hall.

"What?" Cloud asked as he rushed into the bathroom. Zack stood in the doorway, a mischievous grin plastered onto his face.

At first, all he could see were neon blue bottles everywhere. Everywhere. They littered the floor, the counter, everything. Even the trash can was overflowing with them. As Cloud inspected closer, he realized that they were shampoo bottles.

"So that's how he does it!" Zack cried, marching into the bathroom and kicking a few empty shampoo bottles in the process. "Man, look at all this! He must go through a bottle of shampoo a day with all that hair." He flung open the cabinets and gasped. "Oh my GOD! Cloud, you gotta see this."

Cloud scurried into the bathroom and peered into the cabinet. There must have been at least 50 bottles or so stored there, all lined up in rows.

"I have to get a picture of this," Zack grinned, whipping out his phone.

"Zack, no!" Cloud's hand flew out in front of the phone's lens before any damage could be done.

"Oh, c'mon," Zack pouted, shoving Cloud's hand out of the way. "Think about it, Cloud! Future blackmail material! If he ever sticks me on double night shift again, then all I have to do is-"

"No!" Cloud snatched the phone from Zack and held it protectively in his hands. "We've seen enough. If he catches us, we'll be in serious trouble. Can't we go now?"

Zack sighed. "Fine. We'll go soon. Just let me get a picture and then we'll be outta here."

"No way," Cloud held the phone out of Zack's reach. "We leave now."

"Cloud!" Zack cried, jumping to his feet. "Why can't you just-"

The sudden sound of a lock clicking immediately ended the argument. Zack's eyes bulged and his eyes darted around wildly.

"Come on!" He hissed, and dragged Cloud out to the living room. Zack raced over to turn off the lights, and then the apartment was pitch black. They both dove under the couch, the first hiding spot that caught their eye. Surprisingly, there was no trash underneath the couch. Cloud sighed in relief as he pressed his stomach to the floor so that he would be hidden. From the size of the mess in the apartment, he had been half-expecting to find something alive – or dead – underneath the couch. Cloud held back a sneeze, terrified to give away their hiding place. But the dust was so thick that he could probably fill at least a few pillows with the stuff.

This couch is huge, Cloud realized as he struggled to get comfortable under the couch. If he bent his arm back anymore, it would snap in two. He didn't know how long he'd be hiding under there, but hopefully it wouldn't be for long if they could make an escape.

He gulped. If.

The apartment door slowly creaked open, and the General stepped inside.

Cloud shuddered. This was it. They were gonna get caught, he could just feel it.

Light flooded the room, and Cloud started to tremble. Several moments later heard the muted sound of footsteps make their way towards the couch. Panicking, he held his breath as the General's black leather boots walked over to the couch.

To Cloud's increasing horror, the General plopped himself onto the couch and kicked his feet up on the coffee table in front of him. Cloud turned his head towards Zack, who looked back at him with wide eyes. There was no way they could escape now.

Several agonizing moments later, the General pushed himself up from the couch with a grunt. Then he lowered himself to his knees and began searching for something underneath the coffee table. Cloud shrank back a little, as the General was only a foot away or so. His silver hair fanned out on the floor, covering the mess around him. Cloud felt an urge to reach out from underneath the couch and hold the General's beautiful hair up from the filthy mess, but reluctantly decided against it.

He's gonna find us, He screamed at himself, breaking into a cold sweat. We're not getting out of this.

Cloud looked over at Zack, hoping he had some idea that would get them out of the apartment alive. His hope deflated when he realized that Zack was laughing silently at the magazine that the General had pulled out from under the coffee table. Cloud rolled his eyes. Why couldn't Zack ever take anything seriously? Here they were, trapped in the General's apartment, and Zack was laughing at the fact that Sephiroth had a gossip magazine stuffed under his table.

Cloud sighed. Zack was something else. He shook his head, then turned back towards the General.

And then he found himself staring directly into the General's eyes.

Busted.

Sephiroth fell back against the coffee table in surprise, allowing Cloud and Zack to scramble out from underneath the couch. Cloud's heart thumped madly in his chest as he sprang to his feet and bolted for the door, terrified.

The General then jumped to his feet, a look of bewilderment on his face.

"ZACKARY!"

They were so, so dead.

Cloud's heart skipped a few beats. He and Zack were less than ten feet from the door. Were they actually going to make it out alive?

Cloud began to grin as he reached out for the doorknob. It was just out of his grasp…

Before he knew what was going on, he found himself lifted off his feet and hoisted up roughly by the collar. He jerked his head around and gasped in shock.

An extremely irritated General towered over him, anger boiling in his eyes.

"What the hell were you doing under my couch?" He demanded, his pale blue eyes narrowed into slits.

"Uhm," Zack shifted uncomfortably, trying to squirm out of the General's rock hard grip, "Well… my buddy Cloud here just wanted to meet you, sir!"

Cloud's eyes bulged. Can you sink any lower, Zack? He wanted to scream, but he was frozen in place by the General's intimidating glare.

Sephiroth snorted. "By breaking into my apartment? What is wrong with you?" He shook his head angrily. "Honestly, Zackary. I wouldn't expect this sort of behavior from a SOLDIER such as yourself." He sighed, then turned his attention to the frightened little Cadet. "Did Zackary put you up to this?" He stared down at Cloud, expecting an answer.

Before Cloud could open his mouth to answer, Zack cut in. "Of course not! Why would I ever do that to Cloud?"

The General's frown deepened. "Then tell me the real reason you're here."

"Well," Zack started, avoiding the General's intimidating glare. "We, um… we heard a rumor." His voice trailed off to a whisper.

Sephiroth raised a silver eyebrow. "A rumor? About me?"

"Uhmm…yeah." Zack answered bravely.

"And from whom exactly did you hear that?"

Zack gulped and stared down at the floor. "A-Angeal told us."

The General's face twisted into rage at the name. "I see." Cloud drew back a little; in all of the months he had spent at the Academy, he had never seen the General this visibly angry before.

"S-sir, please don't kill us," Cloud begged, his voice barely above a whisper.

"If I ever see you here again," He growled menacingly, "I will personally drag you back to ShinRa and see that you are punished." His frown grew deeper. "That goes for Commander Hewley as well, if you would care to inform him that I do not appreciate being the subject of his unnecessary gossip."

Zack and Cloud nodded in unison.

Sephiroth continued to glare at them. "You can look forward to your punishments tomorrow morning." Cloud got the message that was hidden behind the General's words; "Get the hell out of my apartment now."

"O-okay," Zack stuttered, his eyes still fixed on the carpet. It was obvious that he was fighting back a grin.

Sephiroth's frown grew deeper. "Yes, sir."

Zack rolled his eyes, but it went unnoticed by either of the other males. "Yes, sir."

Sephiroth folded his arms crossly. "If I ever catch you anywhere near my apartment again, you can imagine what the consequences will be."

While still holding both the boys' shirt collars, Sephiroth marched them over to the door and flung it open. Cloud breathed a sigh of relief. It seemed that he would be leaving the General's apartment alive after all.

"Zackary, you are free to leave." Sephiroth stated, releasing his grasp on him. Then he turned to face Cloud. "Cadet, I would like to have a word with you."

Cloud's blood froze. Maybe he wasn't getting out of this alive after all.

Zack's eyes bulged in disbelief. "But, Seph-"

"Zackary."

Zack shot Cloud an apologetic look before scurrying off down the hallway.

"Now," Sephiroth sighed, and rested a hand on the doorframe, which made it impossible for Cloud to make a run for it. He stared down at Cloud, but something seemed different. "You are not going to be punished for this, Cadet." Sephiroth told him, a tiny smile spreading on his lips. His voice didn't have that usual edge to it like Cloud was used to hearing.

Cloud's mind slowed to a halt as he stared up at the General. He nodded his head stupidly, too shocked for words. What the hell was going on?

Suddenly, Sephiroth reached forward and tenderly brushed his spiky blonde hair from his forehead. Cloud felt his face grow warm from the touch. "I will be punishing Zack if he comes back here again. But you, Cadet, may come back any time you like." His smile grew wider. "But please remember to knock first, alright?"

"O-okay," Cloud squeaked, too ecstatic to say anything else. His mind was spinning with too many thoughts to allow him to focus.

"Well then," Sephiroth took his hand from the doorway and brushed his silver hair over his shoulder gracefully. "Goodnight, Cadet."

Cloud could barely keep himself from fainting. "G-goodnight, sir." He managed to respond. He turned to leave, and found that he had to hold on to the wall as he made his way out into the hall. Sephiroth gave him one last smile before gently closing the door.

Cloud stumbled down the hallway in a daze, still not believing what had just happened. It seemed that reluctantly tagging along with Zack hadn't been such a horrible idea after all.

Once he made it to the elevator, it took him almost all of his self control to keep himself from screaming. What had just happened to him was just too good to be true.

It didn't matter to Cloud anymore how messy or revolting the General's apartment was– he only cared about the beautiful man that resided in it.

Once the elevator reached the ground floor, Cloud trotted through the lobby and out into the chilly air of the evening. It wasn't until he was out of sight from the apartment building that he began to skip merrily, without a care in the world.

He had a pretty good idea of how he would be spending the following night.

Thanks so much for reading! ^^ Hope you enjoyed it!

Don't forget to read "Gossip" by Uncertain, which is the sequel to this story. The link is on my profile.