Exclaimer: All copy rights belong to Stephenie Meyer & Thriving Ivory

I woke up for what I think was my third time it was raining, as was most of the time. Laying there, judging by the dull light that came threw the window, I couldn't go back to sleep, I couldn't even close my eyes. Giving up I slowly pulled myself to my feet and walked over to the window. The very window where he would climb in through every night. My throat was so dry. I took a deep breath and started coughing.

Why me? I repeat this over and over but have yet to find a answer. I'd never get a chance to wonder if I would ever fall in love and trust someone again. Then again, I don't think i would be able to love another the same way I do for Edward. He's my soul-mate, there was no changing that. A big part of me if not the entire me had been dead now ever since he had left.

My radio was softly playing in the back ground. This melody was close to fitting how I felt these days.

Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive

I didn't want to even think about his name or any of his family member. When ever I would it would only make my heart constrict and I would then unknowingly cross my arms and hug myself as if I had stomach pain. I didn't want to feel anything. I looked out at the dark sky and glad that the weather was always appropriate for my mood these days. The fresh thoughts of abandonment went well with the rain falling. I squeezed my eyes shut to push out the harsh feelings building inside.

I slipped on the cold wooden floor, praying to god that I would pass out. When I tried to close my eyes, I saw him in the forest-the last time I would ever see him. I remembered his frozen black eyes, giving my warm body frostbite, ripping out my heart that much sooner. I remember my body giving out from underneath me as I reached out for his icy touch. I quickly flashed my eyes open. No. I couldn't go back there. I wouldn't. It hurt too much.

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

As excruciating as the pain felt, seeing his angelic face in my mind was my life support. I lay there on the floor for an immeasurable amount of time clutching my stomach. I began wishing that he would appear and stroke my cheek with his ice cold fingers.

Suddenly it dawned on me. I was alone, my soul had left me, and my life was over. I was waiting for no one, because no one was there for me to wait for. And that was when I started to cry. I couldn't stop; the tears felt endless as they rolled down my cheeks. My eyes became sore and my head started to ache.

"Damn you, Edward." I whispered "How am I suppose to live without you?! This isn't living, Edward! I'm dead. I'm already dead! You killed me! I hope you're happy! There was no point in you leaving! I would've been dead either way. Damn you! Damn you, Edward!"

My throat was coarse. It hurt to sob and breathe in and out. I covered my face and kept crying till the burning in my chest was so intense I was gasping to calm down.

" You left me. You left me. You all left me. My family, my family, left me here to die" I was broken, broken beyond repair.

Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
And do you know, that every-day's the first of the rest of your life

This so called life of mine, has changed quite rapidly over these last couple of months. Since my eighteen birthday nothing in my life was right. Everything was a mess. It was all wrong. So, very wrong. Nothing has went well since Edward left, the love of my life. How had it come to this? Where was the fairytale ending, that little girls dreamed about? It was all screwed up.

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

"Bella?" I jumped, startled. A soft voice abruptly dispersing my thoughts, Renee stood in my door way and looked at me, worry in her eyes. That's what I get for not paying attention. Are you okay? I thought I heard you yelling

"Yea, I'm fine." I responded quietly barely able to muster a faint smile . "I just have a very bad headache" I shrugged.

"Did you remember to take your medication?" she asked concerned.

"Yes, mom" I breathed softly. Mom pulled me into a hug. I knew she was scared for me. Hell..I was scared. I wasn't ready but I guess no one is ever ready. I wished my parents didn't have to suffered along with me. They didn't deserve to watch their only child die a little more each day.

"Are you sure, your okay? Other than a headache. You look..." she trailed off, letting it hang in the air. I knew what she meant.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that? What do you want me to say? That everything is fine and dandy. Look around, my life went to hell. First the man I love leaves me, second just yesterday I was told I only have a few months at most to live." I whimpered, biting my lower lip, trying to suppress my tears. However, One managed to escaped...then another...traders. I was confused and angry.

"Sweetheart, everything will turn out okay." Now I was getting more angry. I wanted to believe her words. I sincerely did. But i had no hope left. I was going to die, weather I wanted to or not.

"Everything is not going to be okay. I'm dying. There is nothing you or anyone else can do" 'If only the Cullen's were here. Shut up, Bella, No use in wishful tinking' "I don't have a choice but to except that this is happening. "Mom, I'm scared" Mom held me tight as I cried. Tears began to fall from hers also, but not as heavily as mine.

"Bella.. Shh.. it's ok" Renee said crushing me tighter to her.

This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us

"I don't want to die. I'm not ready." I said clutching on to her shirt. "And I miss him so much. I really love him, mom. All I was to him was a mistake. That's why he left. Leaving behind his mistakes. He didn't love me. He left me. Alone." I finally exhausted myself and cried into her chest, feeling weak. Silent whimpers exhaled from my body, as my throat got coarse again from the weeping.

All I was sure of, was I was dying. I was at deaths door. I did not know what would be waiting there for me, whether it be heaven or hell. All I knew is that this pain that had harboured itself inside of me wasn't going to leave, I doubted even a angel could take it all away.

Everything I thought of brought me pain, even my fondest memories, but who could blame me? I had been scarred for life, well that s what I guessed was meant by the sickening pictures that never left my eyes.

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Pain quickly rushed into my head, for a split second I forgot everything but like every time I hurt myself they always came back, those sounds, that touch. I quickly held my hand to my mouth tightly, untangled myself from my mother and ran for the bathroom. I didn't understand how I could vomit so much, when I ate so little. I hadn't eaten in two days, so all that came up was bile, it still hurt though, everything still hurt.

You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no-one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know
No I don't wanna know

I slunk down next to the toilet, the stench of fresh sick not even bothering me and let out dry painful sobs. I think my body had run out of tears, nothing left to cry, nothing left to vomit, nothing left to live for.

Flash back

I was sitting in an uncomfortable neon orange plastic chair. I had an appointment with a specialist, a doctor Darrell Toras. The receptionist looked up and said Isabella Swan the doctor will see you now. I stand up, take a deep breath, walk through the doors, and into the examination room. A nurse took my temperature, blood-pressure, height, asked basic health questions, and told me the doctor would be there in a few minutes. I was here for my test results. To say I was worried was an understatement.

Soon,the doctor pushed through the door into the room with a grim expression, "Bella," he said, his face struggling to stay plain, or perhaps some type of disturbed happiness.

But it wasn't working. Something was wrong. It was absolute. "I have your test results," he continued, biting his lip and pausing at the end.

I couldn't take it. This was my fate. To hell with dramatic effect and pausings! I wanted to know what it was that was killing me!

"And.." I prompted, impatient and rudely.

But he didn't seem to mind the rudeness. I would be one to think that anyone would be a bit cranky if they were going to be buried six feet under at eighteen. He frowned, and with a clear of the throat continued.

"Bella, I don't know how this is possible. You say this illness doesn't come from your family and before this you were as healthy as a horse.." He paused again, looking down.

I saw sadness and his eyes and it made me sad too. Not really that I was dying. That didn't bother me much, mostly because I had nothing to live for. But it made me sad that this doctor, a stranger; was sad for my life.

"Doctor, please continue.." I said preceded to tell me the reason that I have been having joint pains, headaches, feeling weak and tired was because you have Leukemia, "it isn't treatable it is to far along, and I m sorry but you only have two months to live. I thought to myself I should have seen the signs the joint pains and the feeling weak, and the headaches.

For about ten minutes, I sat there with my head tilted up. I stared up at the blank ceiling, just staring. I doubt that there was any remote brain activity in those minutes. I just stared. I didn't wonder about my fate or really care anymore. I knew I was dying. And I knew what was killing me. I thought back to when I was happy. When Edward was here and he loved me. At lest at the time I believed he did. But that would never happen. Never again. Ever since Edward left me, everything I had wanted and hoped for had been shattered.

That night, I cried for a little while. Just to get it out of my system

End of Flash back

I was back to reality. I was back in this cruel sick reality. I was back to having cancer. Edward was gone. I felt so alone.

Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying

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