My Immortal Host Club, chapter 2

By Kat and Nicole

(Author's Note:

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Honey-senpai made Tamaki and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily, which was probably the result of him not getting any cake today.

"You silly bugs!" he shouted. It was hard to take Honey-senpai seriously, because he was so cute and adorable and short.

But it didn't stop me from crying tears of red Kool-Aid down my face (because I am too poor to cry tears of blood). Tamaki tried to comfort me but I didn't want his idea of "comforting". When we got back to the Academy, Mori-senpai and Hikaru were waiting for us. Hikaru was looking kind of angry, which could be because Kaoru was not there, but Mori just looked blank, as always.

"I caught these two having sexual intercourse in the hedge garden!" Honey-senpai yelled in a cute voice that was trying to be a furious voice.

"Fancy tuna," Mori-senpai said, not changing his expression. He didn't seem to catch on to what Honey-senpai had said at all.

"Why would you do that? Can't you afford a hotel room?" Hikaru demanded.

And then Tamaki shrieked, complete with a swelling orchestra and a doily background that materialized out of nowhere. "BECAUSE DADDY LOVES HIS LITTLE HARUHI TO PIECES!"

Everyone was quiet. The background faded. The orchestra died off. It probably had something to do with Tamaki's justification of his love for me, or something like that. Then again, Mori-senpai was always quiet, so it wasn't that big of a deal for him to be quiet at all.

Honey-senpai and Hikaru still looked a little mad, but Mori-senpai's face hadn't changed during the entire exchange. Finally, Hikaru said, "Alright then. Take her home."

Tamaki and I walked to his fly car while the others stared after us.

"Are you alright, my precious daughter?" Tamaki asked me gently.

"Yeah, I guess," I lied. I walked home and three hours later, I got there. I went into my room after walking in the front door and brushed my hair. It was almost impossible, seeing as I put a lot of hairgel in it earlier. I decided to just leave it the way it was and put on a nightgown that was black and had Simple Plan on it with little skulls and pink lace. When I came out of the bathroom…Tamaki was there.

He was standing there in front of the bathroom, just singing "I Just Wanna Live" by Good Charlotte, but I cut him off by punching him the face out of sheer fright of seeing him in my bedroom. He fell to the ground, immediately rendered unconscious from my blow, and then I stepped over him and went to my coffin and fell asleep.

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The next day, I woke up in my coffin. I put on my black pants and my shirt that was once white but is now purple with My Chemical Romance written on it and my blazer that was once light blue but is now black. I didn't put on any earrings because I was too poor to afford them. I spray-painted my hair with purple because I mistook it for hairspray. Now I have even more ridiculous hair. Great.

At school, in the library, I ate some Count Chocula until the librarian informed me that I could not eat in the library. Also, she did not understand why I had red Kool-Aid instead of milk in my cereal. She threw me out.

I was sitting outside of the library with my Count Chocula and my red Kool-Aid when someone bumped into me, spilling my Kool-Aid all over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. Whoever it was sighed. "There's no need to shout, I'm right here," they said, and upon viewing who it was, I regretted yelling in the first place. I was looking into the pale white face of a boy who doesn't get a lot of time out in the sun. He had a pair of glasses on which barely hid his dark gothic black eyes (perhaps he had dyed them) and so much eyeliner that it was running down his face. There was no scar on his forehead, which I don't know why I need to mention it, but there was a pentagram there scrawled in pink lipstick instead. He had no manly stubble on his chin. He had no sexy English accent. He looked nothing like Joel Madden but he was still so sexy that I got the equivalent of an erection until I realized I was too poor to have one. You sickos.

"Oh my. I'm so sorry," he replied in a calm voice.

"That's alright, I guess. What's your name?" I questioned him.

"My name is Harr—excuse me. My name is Kyouya Ohtori, although most people call me Hypotensive Evil Lord nowadays. Or you can just call me Mommy."

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because Hypotensive Evil Lord takes too long to type," he replied smoothly whilst breaking the fourth wall without a flaw. "Also, I love the taste of blood and the misery of others, just like all mothers do."

"Well, I am a vampire, I guess," I confessed.

"Oh really," he replied. I don't think he believed me. Rather, it was a weird transition in conversation, so I can't really blame him.

"Yeah!" I roared, making him wince.

"Really. There's no need to get loud here."

We sat down and talked for a while. Then Tamaki pounced on me and dragged me off before I could give Kyouya a proper farewell.

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Tamaki held my hand as we walked, because you really can't say that I was holding his hand because that would be silly. We went upstairs into one of the hallways near the third music room. I wasn't wearing nail polish, but Tamaki was wearing black nail polish with little red Satans on them. Satan was smiling and giving the thumbs-up. I think maybe Tamaki missed the point of having Satan on his fingernails.

I waved to the Hypotensive—fuck this. I waved to Mommy. He looked kind of sad. Then again, he never really looks happy so I don't have anything to compare his face to. He could have been in a really good and happy mood but I would never be able to tell.

We went into the third music room and locked the door behind us. Then………..

We started making out passively. That didn't work out so well. We then started making out actively, which was better, I guess. He felt me up before taking off my top, but he was super disappointed because there was nothing there to feel up in the first place. I didn't have a bra to take off so that saved on time, and you know how I am about saving things. Except for my virginity.

Tamaki took of his pants. We went over to the fancy couch and starting making out naked-like and then he put his boy's thingy in mine but that was weird seeing as I don't have a boy's thingie so whatever is the female equivalent of that. Yeah.

Then, we HAD SEX.

"Oh Daddy, Daddy!" I screamed while trying to obtain the commoner's equivalent of an orgasm. We call it "coupons". Or "unicorns". Depends on what kind of drugs you've had today.

All of a sudden, I saw a tattoo on Tamaki's shoulder. It was one of those really cheap water tattoos, but it was a clipboard with black roses and blood on it and written on it were the words…….Mommy!

I was so angry. I guess.

"You bastard!" I yelled, jumping off the couch after pushing Tamaki onto the floor. I accidentally trod on his face when I did it, but I was so pissed off I didn't give a flip.

"No, my darling Haruhi! You don't understand!" Tamaki pleaded. But I knew too much. That's why I was an honors student on a scholarship to Ouran Academy. It kind of came with the territory.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have the rich equivalent of AIDS anyways, because you see, rich people can't get AIDS, I guess!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then I stomped out. I hit my face on the door because I forgot to open it. I struggled with the door for a couple of minutes before realizing that we had locked it earlier, so I tried to unlock it but Tamaki had the key. So I had to walk back to the couch and ask him for the key, which he handed over and then I walked to the door and unlocked it. Then I walked out.

Tamaki ran out after me, even though he was naked. It was awkward, but then again, it made a lot of other female students very very happy and fulfilled, I guess. Tamaki had a really big….mouth, which he was using to yell off after me, but I was too mad to care. I went to go find Mommy, who was hanging out with Hikaru for some strange reason.

"MOMMY OHTORI, YOU DADDYFUCKER!" I yelled.

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Everyone all around stared at us. It was only natural, seeing as I had just shouted a giant expletive at a seemingly innocent boy while being chased by a naked boy who had now entered the room behind me. He was begging about something to do with "my precious Haruhi" and "Daddy still loves you" and "Mommy's a slut" or something like that.

"My darling daughter, it's not what you think!" Tamaki wailed sadly, starting to revert to his monochromatic appearance of woe.

My friend, Bloody Renge, smiled at me understandably, I guess. She flipped her long waist-length gothic black hair over her shoulder and adjusted the black boy in her hair that had a skull on it with Linkin Park on the bow part. She opened her blue eyes because she was cosplaying Amy Lee. She also had pale skin which she was wearing white makeup on. Renge was kidnapped as a child but then the kidnappers returned her because she was loud and obnoxious. Her real parents are cosplayers but no one knows which ones. There are a lot of cosplayers in the world. Also, it also turns out that her real last name is Smith and not Houshakuji because Houshakuji is a fucking ridiculous pain to spell.

"What's going on?" Hikaru asked, cocking his head lightly. He seemed a little interested, mostly because it had to do with gossip and naked men. I ignored him.

"Mommy, I can't believe you cheated on me with Daddy!" I shouted at Kyouya.

Everyone gasped.

"…oh, oops, sorry. Let me try that again. Daddy, I can't believe YOU cheated on me with Mommy!" I shouted again, pointing at Tamaki.

[Brief Interlude – Tamaki's POV]

Why is my darling Haruhi so mad at me? All I wanted to do as her loving father was to protect her! And perhaps get some while I'm at it! I had gone with Mommy before, but he had trampled on my heart and beaten it to death with his icy cold clipboard for a heart. I mean, I'm just speaking metaphorically, but I believe with all my being that he really would have done that to me if he could have! He dumped me because he liked sarcasm more than he liked me! Sarcasm! That fucking prep! We were just friends now. He had gone through some traumatic things, and now he was gothic. Or at least, I tried to make him that way whenever we saw eachother. That pentagram? I drew it. It looks so beautiful!

[/interlude]

"Relax," Mommy stated calmly, pushing his glasses up further upon his nose. "Mommy and Daddy are no longer involved."

"Yeah right! Fuck all of you guys!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the hedge garden which had magically become closer to the building that that night when Tamaki and I did it in there. I started to cry tears of Kool-Aid in there.