Authors Note: This is a sequel to "Hollow" and "Hope". It's going to be two years this July 31, 2009 since my father died and, like in the story I woke up from a dream with him in it and asked myself why he didn't spend any time with me anymore. I wrote this to get out my feelings and use this as a way to speak to my dad. So if anything and it speaks to any reader out there with a similar loss know that you are not alone in this.

The Second Year

Close your eyes and go to sleep

Pray the lord my soul to take

And if I die before I wake

Pray the lord my soul to keep….

I close my eyes and fear that I'll see you in my dreams. Every little moment hurts knowing that you're gone. I can see you in my dreams, the day you fell. This time I wake after dreaming you were there, arguing with me like always. Then I ask myself why you don't make any time for me and why you won't talk to me anymore but then I remember and wish I hadn't. Knowing your gone hurts all the most and knowing I couldn't save you hurts even more. I remember our last moments together and I try to block that memory out. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you in such a way. You had been right and I was wrong and I'm sorry I never believed you.

We argued before the mission and I refused to speak a word to you. I was so angry at you for telling me that I didn't want to go to college and just work at the centre. You were right, I'm in college now and I know what I want to do. I still work for the centre but I never would have imagined going to college.

I'm sorry I fought with you. They say the first year is easier then the second, and it's true. It didn't hit me that you were gone in the first year, even though I like to think so. This is year is harder, so much harder. I'm not numb anymore and I HAVE to feel everything that I've locked up inside my heart. I think I've cried more times than I can count. Every special holiday hurts ten times more and your birthday hit me hardest. I couldn't enjoy it. I locked myself up and closed myself off. I still smile and still have my loving girlfriend but it's no the same. Every time I close my eyes I see you, smiling. It's when I dream about you and wake up thinking you'll be there when I wake up that I can't stop the tears. It's those days I want to sleep longer and dream about everything that we've been through and will go through. It doesn't happen and it hurts.

I'm going to your grave again this year. I dread the day I do because I know I won't be able to stop crying but that's okay. I have to tell myself that it wasn't my fault that you died but it's hard and sometimes I give in. I've been told that you wouldn't be happy to see me cry and let myself drown in my own misery. It hurts to know you're gone and everyday I try and smile, for you and the wonderful world you managed to show me. I wonder how wonderful this world is with you gone but I know it is, despite you being gone. You've been given wings and set free and I'm happy for you.

When I see you next don't be sad that I'm crying even if I'm upset you're gone. Just know that I'm happy your not in pain and that you can watch over all of us now and keep us safe.

I love you.

I miss you.