Bathroom Interludes

A/Ns: Well. For a one-shot, that was a lot longer than I expected.

A random point of interest is that this is my first fic rated above T. I'm not sure that it deserves the mature as such (it's not exactly extreme) but considering the amount of sex, proportionally, I put it on to be safe. I'm warning you, though, this is one hell of a weird lemon. And believe me, I have experience in weird lemons. We grew one once that was completely round, apart from this weird carbuncle thing on the side that looked like a nose...

A couple of points I should mention: this is NaruSasuNaru, NaruPOV. Very NaruPOV, in fact. (I love writing Naruto... Even though I write him seriously out of character. Ah well.) Also, because I haven't actually stated in the fic: they're in high school, and are about seventeen to eighteen years old.

And no, I wasn't drunk while writing this. Or on anything. (Apart from a chair. And the floor. And- you get the idea.) My best excuse is that I came up with pretty much all of it [in the dark - I do my best (or worst, up to you) thinking in the dark] at sometime between three and six in the morning. This is not a healthy practise, my friends. Do not emulate it. On the other hand, I hope you appreciate the results of my lost sleep (and brain cells)!

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the characters or the series. Masashi Kishimoto does. (Lucky bastard. Wish I had his brain, no really, in a jar - or in my head, either one, so that I could turn the series into a glorious yaoi carnival.) On the other hand, I can be held entirely accountable for any fatalities caused by the reading of this fic, seeing as I wrote it. Yesh I did.

People tell me frequently that I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I really would like to know how - why - when - the hell I ended up here.

Here being the empty guys bathroom - it's out of service at the moment, too, something to do with plumbing - after school hours on a Friday night, with another guy's hand down my pants.

That's not normal. No, seriously. I'm straight. I don't do stuff like let random guys jerk me off.

Especially the less random guys, like, as it happens, Uchiha Sasuke.

I'm never really sure where I stand with that bastard. Most of the time I think he hates me, and then the rest of the time he seems to think we're friends. And then there's this sudden very new detail that should probably be included in the equation, which consists of him dragging me out of detention and into this bathroom and-

...

Well...

...On the up side, at least his hand isn't down my pants anymore.

He's holding my hips really tight - it kind of hurts, actually. His finger's are probably doing to leave bruises.

But I'm feeling graciously forgiving, considering that fuck me this feels good.

So this is what it feels like to get a blowjob.

Well damn. Wish I'd thought of this sooner.

My pants are halfway down my thighs. He didn't bother to shove them any further. They're kinda scratchy.

His mouth is really hot. And wet. It feels amazing. Fuck.

...So I'll admit that I'm enjoying this. That's fine. It's a blowjob, regardless of the gender of the person giving it. Even if it's pretty weird. But he has my dick in his mouth. Doesn't that strike anyone as... you know... sort of... gross? And come to think, he seems to like it a lot. Maybe he's gay? He'd have to be at least bi or something to like sucking a guy's cock.

Jesus... Is he even human? Fuck... Nothing should feel this good...

My head's ringing...

I guess I'm gonna come pretty soon.

Should I be grossed out?

I am a little. But not, like, 'punch him in the face for it' grossed out. Not cos he's a guy, it just... Well, seems weird, I guess. I know I wouldn't wanna do this for any of my guy friends, and even if he 'doesn't have time' for any friends apart from me, and the vote of confidence is very good for my ego, there's no way I'd do this for anybody. Not even my bestest, bestest friend, at the risk of sounding like a five-year-old. He says I sound that way all the time anyway, so whatever.

I'm gonna come.

I'd think of stopping him, but, uh, it's a bit late. And he doesn't seem to mind. At all.

...Wow. He swallowed all of it.

That's... kind of creepy/gross, or something.

If he was a chick, would it still seem weird?

...Hmm...

I guess not. Just kind of slutty.

Wait. Slutty?

Sasuke?

Heh. That's a laugh.

I'll have to remember to tease him about that sometime.

Well. Or I would, if I thought I'd ever be mentioning this to him. Like, ever. I can already tell that this is gonna be one of those things you just don't talk about.

He's standing up. Um. He hasn't looked at me yet. What does that mean?

Is he grossed out too?

Um...

For some reason I don't think I want him to be. I'm not sure why.

...

Should he really be that hard after... you know... sucking me off?

He's leaning over the sink, and he just pulled his dick out. And now he's jerking himself off.

Not very gently, either.

...He's...

Hot, I think.

Um.

How come I never noticed that before?

Well, okay, I guess I did notice. I just didn't think of it... that way. He's always been, yanno, good looking. He's hellish popular, after all, and you don't get that way by being fugly. But I hadn't... looked for it? I mean, you don't think that stuff about your guy friends, right? That's just weird.

...Come to think, everything since we got into this bathroom has been weird, but you get the idea.

I can't see his face from where I'm standing, but I can see him in the mirror. His eyes are tight shut, and his mouth's a little open. His lips look kind of bruised... And okay, so yes, he's good looking. Way more than good looking. He's gorgeous. Like, I've-died-and-gone-to-heaven gorgeous. I've never seen him with so much colour on him before. He's usually sort of waxy and unhealthy looking, but he's flushed right now, his skin's full of blood and I can imagine how warm it'd be if I touched his cheek. I shouldn't want to do that as badly as I do, either.

Hoo boy.

He's always quiet, you know? He hardly talks, and sometimes it gets on my nerves, especially when he tells me to shut up all the time because it gives him headaches or something when I'm too loud. I never thought he'd be...

You know.

Vocal.

He's breathing really hard and...

Um.

Moaning.

Why am I getting hard?

I don't think I'd want to touch somebody else's dick. It'd be creepy. Not that I've ever really thought about it. Unless, I dunno, I decided to become a doctor or something. They grab your balls when they're giving you a physical, right? (And if that isn't creepy, I dunno what is.) But even if I wanted to be a doctor, I probably wouldn't have the grades. Sasuke would. But who gives about his amazing potential medical career.

I just think...

Maybe I wouldn't... mind so much. Um. If it was Sasuke's dick. And he wanted me to touch it.

Maybe. I'm just considering here, m'kay?

Don't get any weird ideas.

Just... to pay back the favour. If he asked.

I don't think I'd wanna, uh, blow him or anything. That'd be a bit too... Um... Intimate.

No thanks.

But a handjob wouldn't be so bad, right? I mean, it should be pretty much like doing it for yourself, yeah? Only, uh, not for yourself.

Wait. He's finished already?

He's washing his hands.

Hmm... I don't remember doing my pants up. Did he do that? I didn't even notice. Man, I must've been spacing out pretty bad.

He's looking at me. Finally.

Damn him. He's smirking again.

Only difference is that he's a little bit pink still, and I can see the sweat on his skin.

Hm. That's pretty hot, actually.

Well, screw you too! I didn't ask him to suck me off! Not that I'm complaining or anything, but he doesn't have to be so fucking smug about it-

Um.

Wow.

I've... never been kissed by a guy before.

Or a girl, but that's not the point.

His mouth feels almost as good kissing me as when he was... doing that.

Wait. That's... gross. He was sucking me off three minutes ago, now he's kissing me? I never saw him wash his mouth out.

Eww.

And he's stopped. Probably a good thing he walked away before I shoved him off me. Um.

Apart from the fact that he had my, uh, come in his mouth just before, that kiss was nice.

...Does that make me gay?

...Whoa.

That's a scary thought.

Okay, no. I know I like girls. I definitely didn't, uh, mistake that. I've been having fun with my right hand for years now, I would know if the thing I was jerking off to had a dick instead of tits.

And I've never been, you know, attracted to a guy.

Any guy.

Even the ones who all the girls say are really hot. Like, uh... Johnny Depp, or something? Orlando Bloom? Jesse McCartney? They're supposed to be good-looking, right?

Eh. I can't even remember. Shows how interested I was.

But Sasuke's...

Different.

So...

I'm not gay. But I'm not straight either?

Uh.

Gah. Not thinking about this now.

Wait- Shit! I've been gone at least fifteen minutes, Ebisu-sensei's gonna kill me! Fuckfuckfuck! Run!

Damn you, Sasuke! This is so your fault!

* * *

Why does Sasuke always look smug?

Okay, wrong question. Why does it scare me so much when he looks smug?

He's smirking. Damn.

I didn't expect to bump into him this late. Clubs aren't really his type of thing. Not that I'm supposed to be here either. We're both underage, after all. And he hates crowds. I wonder why he's here?

...This room stinks.

But that isn't exactly a shock. Public toilets usually do. Especially ones used by a load of drunk people. Piss and vomit. And worse. But I'm not even gonna try to identify that.

So. This is romantic.

I never planned on getting caught alone in a bathroom with Sasuke again.

Not that I didn't enjoy the last time. No way! It was... amazing. And... Enlightening.

As in, I'm not gay. Not in the least. And I think I may have a small crush on my best friend. Also known as Uchiha Sasuke.

Damn him. Damn him to hell.

He's raising his eyebrow! That bastard! He doesn't have to give me that look!

Smug. And expectant.

He's waiting for something.

...Me?

Um.

Why am I nervous?

Damn.

Well... walking closer sounds like a good idea, right?

...Don't answer that.

If I die, I bequeath my necklace to Tsunade. She'll probably be pissed to get it back a third time, but what the hell. And my ramen collection to Iruka-sensei, seeing as he's the only person I know who'd appreciate it.

I certainly won't be giving anything to this smirking bastard!

-...

He's really good at kissing.

And I hate him. He's taller than me, damn it.

Only a couple of inches - and that probably has something to do with the shoes we're wearing, cos mine have really thin soles, and I bet his are platform or something (although to be fair, he's probably not that much of a fag) - but it's still annoying!

Oh man. I'm sure it should be illegal for him to use that voice. Especially at the same time as doing those things to my neck. What is he doing? Fuck, I don't care, it feels good.

Hey. When did he back me up against the counter?

Shit... His leg between my thighs... What the hell is he doing to me?

Stupid pretty bastard.

That's right. Pretty. He may have somehow turned me gay, but I'll be damned if I'll let him get away without looking girly in revenge. And luckily, he already does. So that's okay.

He's grabbing my ass. Inside my pants.

The pervert.

Pretty pervert.

Slutty pretty pervert, if I remember correctly.

Snort. I'll definitely be teasing him about that one.

Mmm... That feels nice.

Hey, why'd he stop?

Oh.

Um. Isn't he tall enough already, without sitting on the fricking counter as well?

Then again... That feels nice too.

Only I just know I'm gonna get a crick in my neck from kissing him at this angle. Geez, he already beats me at height, does he really have to give me back problems at the same time?

Speaking of problems, that doesn't feel like his back digging into my stomach there...

Huh.

Honestly. I'm no neat freak, but that counter can't be exactly squeaky clean, right? So kicking off his shoes and stripping his pants while still sitting there doesn't sound exactly... pleasant.

Wow. He gets rid of clothes pretty fast.

The floor's probably disgusting. I've tried not to look at it. But they're his trousers. He can do what he wants with them. Including incinerate them when he gets home.

...I don't appreciate being suffocated, but when it comes in the form of being kissed really hard, it may be worth it. I'm still deliberating. Leaning towards the positive.

God. Did I mention he's a good kisser?

I wasn't kidding.

...

He's got his fingers. Up his ass.

Wow.

Just wow.

That's... seriously gross.

And disturbing.

On the other hand (no pun intended), he seems to be enjoying it. I mean, he isn't usually very expressive (apart from when he's mad, anyway), but... He's making some... very... nice noises.

And once again I'm being suffocated. Only this time he's trying to shove my face through his neck. Or something. Well, while I'm here...

His skin tastes odd. Salt sweat, that weird musky taste of flesh, and something else, kind of sweet and feminine... Vanilla? I think. It's a weird combo, but for some reason it's actually quite nice.

Shit. I'm already really hard, but the way he's breathing my name sounds so...

Wait, what?

He wants what?

How the hell am I supposed to-

...

Oh no. No way. No way in hell.

He wants me to-

In his-

Oh fuck no.

You've got to be sh-

Ahhh fuck

...Holy hell.

Well. This in interesting.

So that's how gay sex works.

What am I supposed to do now?

Wouldn't it hurt having my... uh... in his... But seriously, that's got to be painful, hasn't it?

It certainly doesn't look comfortable.

Hey, are those tears?

They are! He's crying!

Even I'm not stupid enough to think it's from pleasure. Okay, he's freaking hormonal, sure, but not this bad. Which suggests that he's crying with pain, and that really doesn't sound like a good thing to me-

Eh?

Why the hell does he want me to keep going?!

Is he a closet masochist, along with being gay and a pervert?

Um...

Seriously? It'll get better? What, for me or for him?

Come to think, fuck that feels amazing.

But still-

Okay, okay, geez, I get the idea. He doesn't have to threaten me, the bastard.

Wow. Vocal is right.

Fuck... I don't wanna hurt him, but it feels so...

...

Okay. That sounded like a scream of pleasure.

What did I do...?

...

...That, apparently.

A definition of 'that' might be nice.

Alright, alright, I'm not stopping. Geez. Demanding much?

Well, lovely as this is, I think never stopping would probably take some serious shiploads of Viagra, even with my stamina. But I get the idea.

Okay, so he didn't appreciate that comment. He didn't have to hit me!

Temperamental bastard.

Who hits the other guy while they're having sex?

Huh.

Well, maybe that reply wasn't really necessary, no, but he's the one who said-

Fuck.

No, that wasn't what he said- Er, yes it was, but that was before- Gah! Whatever.

I dunno what it's like to sleep with a girl, but either way, this has gotta be pretty different, right?

Hm...

I don't know (or care - why don't I care?), but this feels amazing. (Ah. That's why I don't care.) I didn't know... that it could be this good.

It's weird thinking about it. I still feel like I should be kind of grossed out, only... Well, I kind of am, only I'm kind of not as well. And gross or not, I'm inside him.

Wow.

Wait a second.

I'm having sex. With Sasuke.

...Wow.

I'm... not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I don't mean how it feels, cos that's... indescribable, but I never really thought about...

I didn't expect to...

Actually...

With him...

Especially seeing as he's a guy, and it never occurred to me that I might find any guy attractive until the bathroom thing last month-

This is a bathroom thing as well.

Whatever.

The other one.

So now I'm gay, but only for Sasuke, and I'm having sex with him in the dirty mens toilets in a noisy club that we technically shouldn't be at anyway, where anyone could walk in on us - including my friends from school, and seriously, if Kiba walks in on us, he will die. Like, have a hernia and a heart attack and choke on his own tongue and commit suicide all at once kind of die. Shikamaru probably wouldn't care (too troublesome), I dunno about Shino, Gaara would probably stand and watch creepily, and Kankuro would probably be grossed out. Oh, and I've got no idea what Neji would do. Be mortified, probably.

Thank god no girls are gonna come in here. They'd hamstring me with clusterbombs. And then desecrate my bloody remains.

Ow. Sasuke doesn't have the longest fingernails ever, but still, that hurts. Trying to gouge holes in my shoulder blades with them is unnecessary.

Ow. And my ears are already ringing, thanks - the club's PA is noisy enough already, without him trying to burst my eardrums screaming-

He was tight before but now he feels like a fricking iron vice fuck-

...I think I just went blind.

I can feel his pulse under my mouth.

His heart's beating even faster than mine.

I've never come so hard in my life, although considering I've never had sex before, that probably doesn't say all that much.

Oh. I'm not blind. My eyes are closed.

Oops.

He's breathing pretty heavily. Sounds like he's trying to bust his lungs gasping.

Um. He hasn't let go.

He's still got his legs around my waist.

And I'm, uh, still inside him.

Should I move?

I'm not sure if he'll stay upright if I let go of him.

...No, I think he'll probably pass out if I let go of him, actually.

...I guess he enjoyed it too, then.

Saves me having to ask.

Mm. Nice kiss. Nice Sasuke. Pity about dragging me up by the hair.

His eyes are closed. He's got really long black eyelashes.

He looks sort of sweet.

...I'm not sure that word should be applicable to a guy covered in come.

Ah, well, at least he doesn't seem to be about to fall over anymore.

Urg. Okay, I've officially decided - pulling out is the worst part of having sex.

Eww.

That noise was gross.

Thanks a bunch for ruining the whole thing for me.

...Oh great. He's got my come leaking out of his ass.

Even more ewww.

Seriously, that's just nasty.

Oh, yeah. The least I could do is find him his pants, after all that. Especially since I was just staring in horrified fascination at his asshole.

Right.

Okay, at least they're not... you know... wet, or anything. Nothing visibly gross.

Ah, thank you. He's moved. At least his ass isn't staring me in the face anymore.

...At this point I could make some remark about asses and the ability to stare, but I won't because that would just be scary. Considering I just fucked it.

...Whoa, I really did, didn't I?

...Huh.

Ah. Clothed again. And making use of the sink, finally. Seeing as he's been sitting next to it for the last twenty minutes.

And now he's smirking at me, although the effect is more impressive when his hair isn't messed up and he isn't covered in sweat and his clothes aren't rumpled and his neck isn't covered in hickies.

Hey. I must've done that.

...

This is getting weirder by the second.

I think I love it when he kisses me.

OW!

He fucking bit me!

And not a nice bite, either.

On my shoulder, and that's gonna fucking scar! Son of a bitch! And it's bleeding!

Asshole!

And he's still fucking smirking, the prick!

What the hell was that for?

What?! I don't fucking belong to him!

...Okay, when I wished he'd stop smirking, I didn't mean I wanted him to glare at me. I think he's trying to decapitate me with his eyes, which is much scarier than the evil grin of smugness.

No I-

...

What the hell just happened?

...

I think he just swore at me a lot, said something slightly incomprehensible but definitely nasty, and stormed out of the room.

...Um.

That was weird.

Ow. And that bite's still bleeding, damn it.

That hurts.

...

I wonder if it hurts more or less than his ass.

...

I suddenly feel depressed. Dammit!

...

I guess I'll... go tell the guys I'm going home.

* * *

I thought I decided I wasn't going to get stuck in a bathroom with him again?

He's standing at the sink, washing his hands.

This bathroom is way posher than the last two. It's part of the fancy restaurant which is part of the fancy hotel where we're at the reception party of some guy's wedding.

The only reason I'm here is cos Tsunade dragged me along. She said it'd be good for me, or something. The guy's some relation of the mayor, I think. Can't really remember. And he was marrying some slutty looking blond bimbo. She looks like the type who give blonds a bad name.

No idea why Sasuke's here.

...Shit.

He's noticed me.

S'probably just cos I'm thinking about it, but for some reason the scar on my shoulder is tingling.

Yes. It scarred. I now have an impressive ring of toothmarks to remember him by. The only thing I'm thankful for is that it didn't get infected. Thank you god or parental pressure that he has good dental health.

S'been about five months since that bite. And the stupid club. And since I screwed my ex-best friend on the countertop in the aforementioned club's smelly mens room.

I say 'ex', as in, he hasn't spoken to me since. Which hurts way more than I want it to, because brainless 'ole me went and fell for the bastard, didn't I?

I still have no idea what I did to piss him off.

...He isn't moving. He's just looking at me in the mirror.

I'm not sure whether to be worried, or relieved that he hasn't killed me yet.

For... existing, or something.

It's not like I even wanted to come to this stupid wedding! The only part that I was hoping would make up for it was the party, and it's a load of crap! And this bloody tux itches.

He's still looking at me. That's beginning to creep me out-

What? Aren't I allowed to go to the toilet?

S'not like I followed him here. No, seriously. I didn't. I didn't know he was even at this dumb thing.

All I wanted to do was take a piss, and maybe scratch my butt, cos I'm really not joking about the itch. This suit feels like its made of fricking sandpaper!

He looks unconvinced.

And he's staring again. Only now he's turned around and he's got his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes narrowed and did I mention that when he glares I get the feeling he's imagining me with a blood-spurting stump instead of a head?

(He's only slightly better than Gaara. With Gaara, it feels like he's actually planning on doing that shit.)

Sooo... this is made of awkward.

Excuse me? Like I'm gonna piss with him standing around glowering at me.

Well thank you so much but seeing as he's a temperamental bastard who never even told me what I did wrong, I don't feel any particular need to suck up. (Least of all literally. Even if the thought of giving somebody a blowjob doesn't freak me out so much anymore, damned if I'm gonna give him one, the prick.)

Ouch. His glare just lowered the temperature of the room by another degree.

Or four.

Wait, I did what?

The hell?!

I did not use him for a cheap fuck, thank you so much, bastard! He's the jerk, not me!

I'm sure the pipes must be freezing over by now.

And he's bloody lucky I didn't come after him and punch him in the face for biting me, the asshole! That fucking hurt, I hope he realises.

Oh, now he smirks.

Bitch.

...

Okay, that's kind of hot.

Damn! Don't stop being mad at him that fast!

So what if he's standing right in front of me, breathing in my ear?

(He doesn't seem so tall anymore... That's a mercy, at least. Did I grow, or did he just get left behind? Okay, not left behind, he's still taller than me, only not by so much.)

Hey!

...

Why exactly am I letting him unbutton my shirt?

His hands are cold.

He must have washed them with cold water.

Weirdo.

And now he's inspecting that freaking scar. Asshole.

Yes, that was your work, and very impressive it is too.

Geez. Compensating much?

Ow. I probably deserved that whack. And to be fair, he has nothing to be ashamed of. Definitely not, in fact. But I don't need to tell him that. S'not like he doesn't know it already.

...I think I just melted.

God, that feels nice.

His lips and tongue are warm. So warm... So soft... Licking the scar. (And he's a prick. Damn right he should apologise! Have I mentioned it hurt?!) He's sliding his hands inside my shirt. Fuck, they're still cold. Gah. But... kind of nice anyway.

I missed the way he touches me.

How can you miss something that you hardly even realised you had in the first place?

Mmmm... Okay, that's how.

Tch. He should be sorry, assh-

Eh? What should I be sorry for?

Excuse me?

Well fuck, like he was any better! Bastard!

...Sneaky bastard. Distraction techniques are cheating.

Oh fuck.

Five months. Five months! I've been daydreaming like a girl about this kiss for five! Fucking! Months!

He's forgiven. I don't care. I'm sorry for whatever the hell he thinks I did. I'll say anything he wants (short of 'I hate ramen' - every man has his limits) so long as he keeps kissing me like that.

Hm... I wonder if the wall is really made of marble? It's cold, anyway. Only not quite as cold as his hands, because at least it isn't touching my bare skin. His hands are warming up, actually... No thanks to him. Huh. Stealing my body heat. Bastard.

Jesus! I swear, he's a fucking stripping ninja! How is it possible to get out of a tux that fast?! He's already half naked, and trying to make sure I follow him!

Hey, hey, hold on a second. Before he starts seriously trying to get my shirt off, maybe he should remember that we're kind of in a public place, ne? And not just a technically public place, like the first time, or a mostly public place, like the second time. Anybody could walk in here, you know! Including people whose opinions I care about, as in people who know granny and would tell her that they caught me making out with Uchiha Sasuke in a bathroom that probably costs more than my entire house!

Tch. He doesn't have to laugh at me.

Only... I kind of missed that, too. I've hardly seen him for the last five months, seeing as he's been, yanno, avoiding me like the black plague's rabid leprosy-ridden lovechild?

Oh shit.

I would like it noted that I thoroughly concur with his decision to stop laughing very abruptly.

That's Kakashi's voice, isn't it.

I can feel his perverted smile from here, and I can't even see his reflection in the mirror.

Sasuke's eyes are saying 'die now in a fire and go to hell'.

Glad he's not looking at me.

How come he manages to do up my shirt perfectly in less than five seconds without even looking?! It took me a freaking hour with Shizune and granny faffing around trying to get me into this thing the first time round!

Jerk.

Talented, perfect jerk.

Time to turn around and face the fearsome sight that is Kakashi.

I hate to say it, but he looks kinda hot in a tux.

Oh god, I'm turning gay.

(Ignore the fact that I was just sucking face with a really hot guy and had already come to the realisation that I like him very much. That has nothing to do with it.)

How come he's still wearing his freaking facemask?

(Does he shave under that thing? I guess he must... So does he sleep with it on, or not? You'd think he might smother himself. Hm... Maybe I should ask Iruka? Only he'd have a heart attack if he found out I know they're dating. Teachers aren't supposed to have relationships with their colleagues, or something. Huh. S'not like I'd sell 'em out anyway.)

Geez, Sasuke's pissy when he's interrupted in the middle of trying to get my clothes off.

Moody prick.

I totally agree with him.

Ever heard of the term 'token resistance'?

I can't be bothered with that shit.

My sexual frustrations (epitomised by the annoying broody bastard who still has his arm around my neck, by the way) have been piling up ever since the last time we had sex, and I'm definitely cool with the idea of changing that.

Although only with him. It wouldn't be satisfying with anyone else. I can tell. I've been thinking about all this crap for long enough.

Well, thank you for that enlightening remark, Kakashi. I think I may need to throw up before I screw Sasuke. You just cancelled out all appeal earned by how sexy you look in that suit.

...

Sasuke's sexier, anyway.

And very cute when he blushes, coincidentally. Huh. Who woulda thought it?

Okay, apparently he agrees with me on the sexual frustration thing.

Why is it that people always seem to drag me around by the hand?

Tsunade, Sakura, Haku, Iruka, Ino...

Make that women always seem to drag me around by the hand. Apart from Iruka. Iruka gets to be a man. I'm sure Kakashi would vouch for him.

Ow. Women always seem to hit me every time I open my mouth, too.

...He's lucky that didn't freak me out. And if he plans on shoving his dick in my mouth (to shut me up or otherwise) he'd better play nice, or I'll bite the damn thing off.

Huh.

Fag.

Ow. I am not gay.

Look, just because I happen to like Sasuke - and having sex with Sasuke - and kissing Sasuke - and doing other sexy things with Sasuke - doesn't make me gay.

No it doesn't. Shut up.

Bastard.

...Yes I like him. Why the hell did he think I had sex with him?

Okay, apart from being caught up in the moment and that, but seriously, if it was any other guy or even girl, I would've had some serious reservations.

...He really is cute when he blushes. And he's stopped dragging me. He looks kind of surprised. I wonder why-

Wait. He thought I-

Oh that little-

'Cheap fuck'? Is that what that was about?!

And he calls me an idiotic son of a bitch!

Okay, maybe he doesn't put it quite like that, but point still stands.

Asshat.

Mmm... Have I said I love it when he kisses me?

I think I must have. Whatever.

Oh crap of the gods.

Great. Just great. Fan-bloody-tastic.

'Seriously, granny, I'm not gay. I just happen to, er, love a guy. In a sexual way'.

That's really gonna cut it.

...

...She doesn't look very mad.

Well, that all depends on what you mean by 'mad', but if you mean 'pissed off', then no.

...

Ah. She's drunk.

Startled. But not mad.

The alcohol probably helps.

Okaay, I hope she doesn't mind, but me'n Sasuke here are just gonna leave if that's cool with her, we stayed long enough to wish the happy couple well or whatever it was we were s'posed to do (whore and money-grubber don't deserve it, hope they choke on their gold-leaf-garnished cake), anyway, see ya tomorrow granny Tsunade.

Right.

Run like hell and hope she never works out why Sasuke was kissing me.

And hope to all the gods in heaven that she never mentions it to Jiraiya.

Lord, I'd never live that down.

He'd have a stroke on the spot.

So, now that we've escaped, what now?

Oh, yes, Sasuke can drive. How could I forget? Especially his lovely billion yen car with its equally expensive navy blue and silver paintjob. Oh yesh, blue-chan, I've missed you too.

Ahhh. I love this car.

It smells delicious. I've missed that smell.

...Hey. It smells of Sasuke.

...

Probably shouldn't have said that out loud. He's smirking again.

Self-satisfied jerk.

Then again, if he's seriously been sulking for the last five months because he thought I only fucked him for the hell of it, he must have some pretty bad self-esteem issues...

Idiot. I swear. For once he's worse than me.

Trust him to take everything too seriously.

And trust me to make him think the wrong thing.

Man, we're messed up.

...

We're gonna make an interesting couple, huh?

Wonder how long it'll take before one of us gets arrested for manslaughter.

Umm. He's giving me a funny look for the 'couple' comment.

Hope he isn't gonna go weird on me. That one kind of just slipped out.

Hey, what?!

And I told you I do not belong to him, bastard!

Oh, so now he laughs.

Tch.

Coulda laughed it off last time, but nooo, he has to turn into mister emo-bastard like usual and hell, if I treated him as a prostitute (which doesn't make sense because I didn't pay him and he didn't ask me to), it was totally his fault for acting so slutty the first time.

So there.

Huh. Bastard. That's right, keep laughing, anything to keep your mind of your inadequacies...

Well, like-

Like-

Like...

...

Whatever!

...

Shut up. Bastard.

* * *

Ugh. Sun's shining in my eyes. Damn thing. Go away.

Ehh... Why am I so tired...?

Mmph.

Hey... Why am I naked?

...

That... sounds like one of those dangerous, leading questions to me.

Erm. Time to sit up, I guess.

Whoa, dizzy.

Soo... I was awake enough to strip off completely, but not awake enough to close the curtains before I went to bed?

...

Something's off.

...

I don't have a roommate.

...

So why can I hear someone moving around-

...

...Oh.

That would be why, I guess.

I remember now.

...Huh.

Sex in bed is quite different from sex in that damn stupid bathroom.

I guess Sasuke's still here, then.

Kitchen? No...

Oh, of course. Déjà vu calling. Check your bathroom, dumbass.

Ah yes. How did I guess?

Well, the sound of the tap running was a clue, but you know.

...He looks kind of cute in my clothes. How long did it take him to find my only white t-shirt, I wonder? It's too big for him anyway. So are the jeans, but not so badly.

(Hey. Where the hell did he get an extra toothbrush from? It's not mine.)

...Heh. I've pictured him foaming at the mouth enough times, but I never imagined it looking adorable.

Ow. Why does he always hit me whenever I say something? Bastard.

Oi! What's wrong with my having an orange toothbrush? Orange is a great colour, thank you so much, the jerk.

I wonder how his ass is feeling? If I'm remembering right, he must be pretty sore.

And ow yet again. Geez, violent jerk.

What's asinine mean? I'll have to look that up later... If I can spell it... Or remember...

His mouth tastes of toothpaste. But at least he rinsed it before kissing me. Not that there's anything wrong with toothpaste, but getting a mouthful of it transferred orally doesn't really appeal, if you know what I mean.

Um, why is he wearing my clothes, by the way?

Oh. Duh me. He was wearing a tux last night, wasn't he?

Well it's my house. I can wander round naked if I want to, right?

...Pervert.

He really likes being taller than me, doesn't he? Asshole. Doesn't have to lord it over me. He's the one who gets it up the ass, with his encouragement I might add.

Ow. Again. My head is starting to hurt.

Whoa, hold on a second. No way is he sticking his dick inside me! Not now, not ever.

Well so what! I didn't even know I was gay until he molested me! Which wasn't exactly kosher, now I come to think about it!

...Bullshit. That wasn't seduction, that was a freaking sledgehammer.

Huh. 'Greater good'? Smug bastard.

Hey! There's nothing wrong with my brain, bastard! And hitting it with a sledgehammer would so make things worse, thank you very much! By a lot!

Geez. Did I mention this guy's a sadist? Bastard.

Mm. But he's still a bloody good kisser.

...

...Okay, so maybe wandering around naked with a guy who molests me in the house wasn't the greatest plan.

Or it was. Depending on your point of view.

Shit. He always complains about me being stupid, so it'd make sense not to shut down my remaining mental functions, right?

Right.

Fuck.

Hey, he just brushed his teeth, damn it! Don't start sucking me off n-

...

Or do. Either way.

Waste of toothpaste. Bastard.

Because he is so doing his teeth again before he gets to kiss me again. I don't mean to freak out, but seriously, that doesn't get any less gross with time.

...Hey! I said about the brushing teeth, didn't I? I swear I did. No kissing until his mouth's clean! If he doesn't think it's gross, more power to him, but sorry, the idea of getting back what I never planned on seeing ever again doesn't appeal.

Why thank you, I do have a way with words, don't I?

Tch. Bastard.

Mm. So, other than kissing and putting my dick in his mouth (in that order), did he have any plans for this morning?

...What? It's still before twelve. It's not afternoon yet.

...

Nympho.

He is! Seriously!

What? Who said I was complaining? I'm not complaining! I'm just saying!

Well fine. Leave then. Love you too, bastard.

...

He didn't have to freeze when I said that. Right?

I was, uh, kinda kidding?

Kind of.

Maybe.

It was a joke!

I just, uh, kind of meant it.

Um.

...

He looks a lot less evil when he's smiling.

...Especially when he blushes at the same time. Man, he's cute.

Yeah well. He'd better love me. I'd better not have freaking fallen in love with a guy who doesn't even love me back.

Hmph.

Damn him and his sneaky kissing skills.

...

Ramen is perfectly good for breakfast!

It is so!

Screw nutrients. I don't need a fancy diet to keep up this figure, thanks!

Huh.

Yes, I know I'm gorgeous. Why thank you. I'm glad to hear I'm a god to you. Yes, I'm flattered.

Asshole. I am not fat.

Two minutes! Jeez, what do they teach geniuses these days?

(Genii? No, geniuses... Er...)

God I love ramen. The awesomest food in the world.

...What?

There's nothing weird about staring off dreamily into space after taking your first morning bite of ramen.

Rubbish!

Tch. Bastard.

...

Okay, okay! Fine. I'll get dressed!

He doesn't have to be noisy about it.

...

Not that I mind being ambushed from behind two seconds after I walk into my bedroom, but if he wants to have sex [again] all he has to do is say so. Rather than trying to be sly.

Pfft. Sure, bastard. Whatever he says.

Gah! He's lucky my mattress is nice and squashy, or he'd have smashed my skull with that!

...I'm not overreacting, bastard.

Okay, fine. Mild concussion at best!

It's annoying how coherent thought gets so difficult when he starts kissing me. Not that I'm complaining. Definitely not.

I still say he's a nympho, though.

...Wait. What?

...

No. No way. No way in hell. His fingers - cock - whatever - do not go in my ass. Not ever.

Well fine, maybe I will change my mind at some point, but not yet. If he wants to sacrifice his dignity for the 'greater good', that's his choice, but I'll be damned if he gets me to do it too.

Yet. Yeah, yeah, I get the idea. I will never be able to hold out against his glorious charms, et cetera et cetera.

Tch. Glorious charms or not, he's dreaming if he thinks I'll ever let him stick something up my ass. It's a one-way street, thanks, and I'd prefer it stays that way.

I am not just being small minded.

It's got nothing to do with whether I trust him or not, damn it! It's just... nasty.

I didn't exactly ask him to let me do it to him! Seeing as he seems to have forgotten, I wasn't exactly thrilled with that idea either!

...Yes, it turned out better than I expected. Yes, a lot better. Yes! Ugh.

It's not the same!

I'm not even gay if anyone else asks! I wouldn't sleep with a guy if it wasn't him! Isn't that good enough?

...

It should be.

What?! I do not think he's a woman!

Okay, so he's a bit girly-looking, and he acts like a total bitch at times, but I know he's a guy!

If he wasn't a guy we wouldn't even be here, damn it!

(If he wasn't a guy, we might have been together for years now, and we wouldn't be arguing about something like this.)

(If he wasn't a guy, we might never be together.)

(If he wasn't a guy, he'd be someone else, and I might not love him.)

...

So I take it saying that out loud was a good idea?

Judging from the- damn, did I mention good at kissing?

Wait, what?

Gah! I said no! I don't want his dick in my ass! Can't he get that into his head?!

Hey- hold on a second!

Shit!

...

That feels seriously weird.

...

I'm certain I said no fingers up my ass. Among other things.

Gah! What the-

Urg. Damn, that feels weird.

Not good weird. Bad weird. As in 'I have something up my ass that doesn't belong there' weird.

No. I will not forgive him. Especially if he doesn't even ask.

...Not even if he kisses my shoulders like that.

'Shh' himself. Why doesn't he try to stay still while somebody sticks their fingers up his asshole.

...

Okay, so he already has tried it.

...

But he didn't stay still either!

...

Can I say get his hand the hell out of there before I-

-Fuck.

What the hell was that?

Fuck!

Can't he just st-stop that, damn it!

Shit.

Don't laugh at me, fucker!

Like hell he's sorry. Bullshit. If he was sorry he would get that out of me right now, son of a bitch!

I didn't fucking give him permission to do that, damn it!

Fuck!

Yes, fuck it, of course I can fucking feel it, ugh- Yes, it feels- Damn it!

...

I am not scared, damn him!

Just do it, then!

...

I shouldn't have said that.

Oh fuck.

Jesus! I knew he wasn't exactly small, but-

Fuck that hurts.

Ow ow ow yes it bloody does, asshole!

No! Don't move, damn it!

Shit...

Ow ow ow ow I'm going to kill him for this!

Oh Jesus hell what the hell is that?

Gah! Yes, I said that!

...Isn't the prostate something to do with cancer?

...What mood?! There wasn't any freaking mood to ruin, seeing as he just jumped me without even asking!

Okay, so he did ask, and I said no, which is even worse. What's his point-

Shit.

Will he please stop distracting me? It's really hard to yell at him when he's doing- that. Whatever that is. To my, uh, prostate thingy.

Ugh, god.

Hey! I will not shut up so he can fuck me!

Bastard!

...I still say he's sneaky. He always knows when and how to kiss me just right so I stop wanting to kill him.

Only he's wrong, because I'm still going to kick him to next millennia when he isn't-

Damn him.

Okay, yes, it feels... nice.

No it doesn't. It, uh, feels... good. I think.

Fuck! Stop doing that when I'm trying to think, jerk! It's distracting!

Very, very distracting.

...Alright...

Maybe I'll forgive him. Later. Maybe. Depending how remorseful he is. Which, judging from his smirk, isn't very.

Doubtful, then.

Fuck!

Shut up! I do not swear too much! S'not like I've ever done this before! Or planned on it, by the way!

Tch. What does he expect? Prick.

Shit! That hurt!

...I forgive him for that bite thing. It hurt way less than this. Even though this has it's - shit - good points.

-Oh fuck-

...

He's dead.

I'm going to kill him.

With my bare hands.

Painfully.

And torture his corpse with cruel and unusual means.

He'd better start running.

Like, now.

No, I'm not kidding.

Not in the least.

His come! In my ass, damn it!

Dead.

Oi! Get back here! I'm trying to murder you, here!

Gah! Why me?! Now I'm fucking limping!

Stop laughing at me!

A/Ns: God, this took me ages! Weeks. Waaay too long.

But at last it's over!

I'm not entirely satisfied with it (am I ever?) but I'm glad to get it finished.

And no, I was never sane to begin with.

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