Author's Note: This was written in response to an Arthur/Merlin video done to (part of the) song "Jizz in My Pants" by The Lonely Island. The video is by "analystproductions" at YouTube and "analyst_1" at LiveJournal. You should watch it.

For reference: Priapus (Greek: Priapos) was the god who protected livestock. He was depicted with a huge and permanently erect penis (or a priapism).

-

The first time Arthur meets Merlin, Merlin can't help but show off just how insolent he can be. When Merlin tries to strike him, Arthur twists his arm around and digs his fingers into the boy's wrist just because he can. As if on purpose, as if knowing how charming his smile is and how much Arthur wants to teach him a lesson himself, Merlin wriggles, appearing to try to free himself, but in his position he only really pushes his arse against Arthur's crotch and wiggles a bit in an uncomfortable way.

"No," Arthur says, "I'm his son."

He executes a move to make this Merlin fall to the ground, and looks down at him, smug. "Were you going to say anything else?" He asks, before motioning to his cronies to carry Merlin away, adjusting himself.

-

About a month into being Arthur's manservant, Merlin has proven his worth, but he has also managed to get on Arthur's nerves.

Arthur sighs and opens his chamber door, thinking about the meeting with Uther and hoping to forget. He freezes when he looks inside, though, and his wish to forget about politics is granted when instead all he can think about is how Merlin's bent over his table, wiping it frantically, his arse wriggling back and forth in reaction to his every swipe of the wood, about how he'd very much like to go up right behind him and bend over Merlin, his own body fitting into his, about how he'd like to fuck Merlin until he has to clean the table, and maybe repeat a few times.

Luckily, Arthur gets his mind aright in time to sweep across the floor to his bedroom before Merlin can turn around and notice something very wrong with the scene - for example, that he's flushed, or that his pupils are blown wide, or that his trousers are tented and a bit moist.

Shit, Arthur thinks, closing the door very nearly in Merlin's face and shouting back, even as Merlin asks him if he's alright, "Fine, I just need to rest. I give you leave for the rest of the day."

"Really?" Merlin asks, unbelievably.

"Yes, Merlin," Arthur says, "now go; I can hardly get to sleep with you blathering on."

"But I wasn't -" Merlin says, and then, "oh," and he's gone.

Arthur doesn't do very much resting after that.

-

That night Arthur has a dream about a scaly creature with wings calling to him. He heeds in, ending up in a meadow with a sort of milky light. There are flutterbys fluttering everywhere and the creature whispers to him again.

"The other side of the coin…"

Arthur tries to follow it, but the field is endless and he doesn't see anything unusual. Until -

"Arthur?"

It's Merlin's voice, sweet and innocent and questioning, just like he'd been on the other side of the door earlier that day.

"Merlin!" Arthur calls, eager, and knows that if he were awake he would be ashamed, but really, what is Merlin doing here? Is he in danger?

"Here," Merlin says, and then he's next to Arthur and Arthur follows him, both giggling and Merlin is soon so far ahead of him that the only indication Arthur has of his presence once he gets to the bright green wood is Merlin's voice whispering his name. He follows it.

He comes upon a clearing, and in the center, lit by the milky light of the sun, is Merlin, Merlin looking at Arthur and Christ, where are his clothes?

Arthur walks up to him wondrously, removing some of his own clothes in the process, at last pulling down his trousers enthusiastically and dropping roughly onto his knees, straddling Merlin. Merlin looks up at him and says, "I've been waiting for you," and kisses him.

Then they're grinding and Merlin is moaning Arthur's name in between long, loud moans, careless of how loud he's being. Arthur comes first, and Merlin says, questioningly, "Arthur?" and then once again, a little disbelievingly - as if he can't believe he's made Arthur so hot and hard - "Arthur -"

And then Arthur wakes up, his lap sticky underneath the sheets, a little sweaty, and Merlin's staring at him.

"I'm sorry, sire, you slept until midday and Gaius told me to come check on you -"

"Get out."

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes, Merlin; you're only making it worse."

"Right. Uh, I suppose if you need anything -"

"I know, Merlin."

-

When Arthur falls ill, he slips in and out of consciousness. He remembers Merlin giving him water, so scarce that it barely wets his lips, remembers Merlin being there more often than anyone, even his father.

He becomes lucid when water is poured down his back. It's warm and welcome, as are the wide hands that soothe the soap into his skin. Somehow, perhaps from all the times Merlin's changed his armor or from all the dreams about Merlin's hands, Arthur recognizes them as his. He takes a moment to absorb his surroundings through every pore, every sense available, and he realizes he's sitting in a tub not even full of water - leaving him quite exposed.

He blacks out again to the feel of Merlin's hands on his skin - only by now Merlin's hands are in a completely different spot, and he might jump out of his skin if he weren't only barely conscious.

Merlin's hands are near his stomach, drawing closer with every rotation of the soap bar. He reaches the area where Arthur's pubic hair begins, and Arthur's dick twitches. "Oh," Arthur hears, and then Merlin pours more water down his chest.

-

Gaius is out running errands and Merlin is still sleeping. Arthur isn't technically supposed to be out very far from his chambers, but this is his manservant, and he is bored, and in the back of his mind he knows he wanted to bother Merlin about something, but right now he's busy watching Merlin sleep. He's on his back, but his head is turned on the pillow, his brow is slightly furrowed as if he's thinking and his mouth is open, so deliciously open -

He sighs. Arthur melts a little inside. And then notices that Merlin's having a delightful dream: the sheets tent about midway down the bed, and Arthur can't help but stare and want to lift the sheets up a bit, just to have a peek.

He draws closer to the foot of the bed, and even as he does, Merlin stirs a bit. It startles Arthur, but then he realizes Merlin appears to be half-asleep, still, so he stays.

Merlin slides one hand flung behind his head down his side and underneath the sheets, pushes them down a bit, and pulls his nightshirt up a bit.

Arthur's breath catches in his throat and he lets his own hand wander to his own crotch, and when Merlin grabs his fully erect cock and tugs it, Arthur palms his through his trousers. Merlin humps the air and fucks into his hand and comes more quickly than Arthur might have expected, and his eyes begin to blink open.

Arthur's back in his chambers before he can even think about it, trying to catch his breath. He's still hard, thinking about Merlin jerking himself off in his semiconscious state and then blinking himself awake. Arthur can imagine waking up to that, to Merlin already hard and sleepily horny.

And then he realizes something: Merlin came really, really quick, and Arthur wonders if he's ever been fucked before.

He stumbles to his bed and rips off his trousers with the one available hand he has and jerks himself off, trying to think of his hand as Merlin's tight hole.

-

Merlin enters his chambers a few hours later, looking perfectly cheerful. "Anything you need today?"

Arthur tries not to say anything like, 'You, on your knees, now,' and instead manages, "My chambers need cleaning. Hordes of people visited me in my illness, as you know, and left it in a mess."

Merlin glances around at the chambers, which aren't exactly in any sort of mess, and the most he can find askew is that Arthur's bed sheets are a mess, his wardrobe appears to have been beaten up, and the rooms overall could perhaps do with a sweep.

"Alright," he says, "that shouldn't take long."

Merlin pulls the sheets off and gathers them in his arms to take to the washerwoman downstairs.

"Oh," Arthur says as Merlin's on his way out, "could you get me some grapes, too?"

-

Merlin returns with the broom and dustpan and a large bowl of grapes. He begins sweeping in Arthur's bedroom and Arthur moves his chair around in front of the fireplace so he can see Merlin even from the other room. Merlin makes a quick route of the room and is soon in the antechamber.

"Are you going to watch me?" he asks, and Arthur resists asking him to take off his clothes and instead says, "Yes."

"Am I doing a good job, sire?" Merlin asks, then, bowing low in a parody of subservience. He looks up at Arthur as he does it and the grape that is just in front of Arthur's lips pauses, Arthur ensnared by the sight of Merlin bent over like that, and he doesn't know if it's better to be able to see his face or if he would prefer being behind him.

"Uh," he says, ungraceful and wanting to slap Merlin on the back of the head and then maybe ravish him afterward for his insolence. "Yes."

Merlin looks astonished at such a simple answer - what, no sarcasm? No biting remarks? - and begins sweeping in the antechamber.

He finally finishes the job just in front of the table, and sets the dustpan on the floor and bends over, and he's so close and Arthur is already half-hard from watching him so far, that when Merlin's arse rocks back and forth as he sweeps the dust up into the pan, Arthur bites down on a grape and comes in his pants just as the juice from the grape floods his mouth. Luckily, he's able to mask the slight moan that escapes his lips as an "Mmm! These grapes are delicious, Merlin," but as soon as Merlin leaves he sighs and slumps down into the chair. This has to stop.

-

A few months and a few life-saving incidences later, it's still going on. Arthur is still having wet dreams, still wanking nearly every night just thinking about Merlin - hell, he can wank whilst thinking about Merlin picking flowers or making concoctions for Gaius.

Fortunately, Arthur learned long ago that there was no better remedy than to kill things. All he needs to clear his head is to go hunting, really.

Arthur stops when he sees, strangely enough, a gorgeous white lamb in a clearing. He raises his bow and draws back the arrow to shoot, having heard rumors of lamb's meat, and as soon as he's just about to get his aim Merlin shifts from one foot to the other, and leaves rustle at his feet and a twig snaps. The lamb silently darts off into the trees at the other side.

Arthur turns, fuming, to Merlin. "Why did I let you come with me?"

Merlin shrugs. Arthur realizes in that moment that he's gone hunting with Merlin so much - so fruitlessly - that he didn't even think about it this time, not even when the whole point of going hunting was to get Merlin off his mind. He sighs resignedly.

"Well, come on. Maybe we can find him again," he says, and walks into the clearing to cross it. As soon as he does, however, he realizes that this is the clearing from his dream, exactly: the one where he debauched Merlin.

Merlin gasps behind him. Arthur turns around to face him, but when he does, sees a dark-faced man in the center of the clearing wearing a tunic that seems to accommodate his huge, red, erect penis.

"Shit," he says, stomach dropping at the sudden sight of another human - wondering where the man came from, and how in the hell his cock is so huge - it's the length of a small sword.

The man laughs. "You thought you would kill that lamb, my friend?"

"Who are you?" Arthur says, trying to avert his gaze somewhere more appropriate, like the man's face.

"Priapus, my good - knight, are we?"

"I am the prince of Camelot," Arthur says, straightening up. "Merlin -"

Merlin is staring at Arthur, eyes wide, and the man turns to him. Merlin's gaze flicks down to Priapus' - well, priapism - and he gulps.

"Someone must pay," Priapus says, "this boy is perfect."

"No," Merlin says firmly. "He didn't even kill it."

"Ah," Priapus says, as Merlin looks at him warily; "but he was about to; and the lamb was under my protection, and you're far too pretty to let go unscathed."

"You won't touch him," Arthur says, and darts forward and draws his sword against the god's throat, and the god turns around, eyes glinting, cock bobbing too close for comfort. Priapus laughs. "But someone will have to."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that he must pay for both your errors; and anyway, my prince, you didn't think I wouldn't know about your - problem."

Merlin looks at Arthur. "What's he talking about?"

Priapus answers for Arthur. "I endowed your princeling with a particular gift - I enchanted him, you may say. So that when the right side of the coin slid on by, he wouldn't be able to go long without getting long and hard over this special person."

"And that person -"

"Is you," Arthur says, flushing. "Ever since I met you I've had a problem with, ah -"

"As time went on I made it more difficult for him to go without thinking about you, without thinking about fucking you. Not that I knew the apple of his eye was such a delightful thing."

Merlin glares at the god and looks at Arthur. "You can't be serious."

Arthur nods. He sighs and pushes the blade harder against Priapus's neck, where it's been the whole time. "We didn't even kill the bloody thing, now let us go."

"No," Priapus says cheerily, and disappears as quickly as he'd appeared. It's quiet in the wood, and Arthur looks around, anywhere but at Merlin.

He tries to walk into the trees again and seems to feel a fuzziness enter his brain as he does so, hears Merlin cry out and grab him and pull him back into the clearing. "I think he was serious," he says, and Arthur thrusts his sword into the bark of a nearby tree. It goes right through it, as if the tree were a ghost, and despite all his slashing from one side of the trunk to the other, despite every jab, nothing differs.

They are stuck.

He growls and walks back to the center, throwing up his arms. "What do you want?" he shouts into his surroundings, and Merlin says quietly from the edge, "I think he wants us to, erm -"

"I'm not going to debauch you at the will of a sex-obsessed god, Merlin -"

"What if I said I wanted you to?"

Arthur drops his sword. "What?"

"What if I said that the idea of you getting all hot and bothered over every little thing I did makes me want you?"

Arthur says, quite as if it was all a ridiculous dream, "I jerked off to you picking flowers," and then runs to Merlin and kisses him. He puts his hands on the sides of Merlin's face and tangles his fingers in his hair and Merlin puts his hands at his hips and pushes up at Arthur's tunic. His hands are just as large and warm as he remembers them, and a little shaky when he reaches Arthur's torso. They pull away so Arthur can lift his arms to remove his tunic.

"You really jerked off to me picking flowers?" Merlin asks breathily. Arthur kisses him and starts undoing his neckerchief.

"No," Arthur says, "of course not." He's not very convincing, though, but as if to repel any retorts on Merlin's behalf he begins kissing his collarbone once he's exposed it, and then drops to his knees and kisses every inch of skin underneath Merlin's shirt as soon as it is exposed.

"Arthur," Merlin breathes, tangling his hand in Arthur's hair. "Hurry up."

Arthur stands up again and pulls Merlin's shirt all the way off. He takes Merlin in his arms and lays him down on the grass below them, each one undoing his own britches.

"I jerked off to you, too," Merlin says, when Arthur's kissing down his chest. "Thinking about you all sweaty after practice, bathing you when you were ill - fuck, Arthur," he says, when Arthur kisses the head of his cock. "You were dying, I remember wishing I'd seen you naked before then."

Arthur moans as he takes Merlin's balls into his mouth and humps the grass. Merlin arches up and says, "Arthur, please," and he climbs back up to kiss Merlin greedily and grind against him.

"Fuck me," Merlin says, looking up at him lustily. Arthur rolls his hips downward once more, and even before he can respond properly to Merlin's pleas, he comes all over the both of them.

Breathing hard, slumped over Merlin, he realizes Merlin is still hard and goes back down to attend to him. He licks his own jizz off Merlin's stomach and the head of his cock and sucks on it, popping his mouth off before licking the tip again, and Merlin comes just in time for Arthur to savor the taste of Merlin's spunk sliding on his tongue, warm and delicious and so long-desired.

"I think," Merlin says, once he's caught his breath a bit, "that we owe that Priapus chap a lot."

Arthur leans over to kiss him, and they go in for another round.

-

End note: Because I'm a bit anal about it, let's say the lamb in the fic is a domesticated lamb who escaped his farm. Otherwise, he's wild and technically not livestock and therefore not under Priapus's protection. :)