CHAPTER 9

A/N: Hey guys, I read this through completely after finishing this chapter and I must say I am impressed with your dedication. I feel like my first couple of chapters are absolute crap. Also I hate my title, that in and of itself is incredibly too Cliché. So I am opening up suggestions to a new Title. Anyways, those were written almost a year ago, so I don't feel too bad..improvement (hopefully?) and whatnot. Anyway, I hope you like it, or at least pretend to.

(Insert Standard Disclaimer here…Also some scene in this chapter may look very familiar. If you recognize it, it's not mine)

Voldemort glared at his followers. They had become unbearably lazy since that thrice-damned Union was formed. They even had the gall to refuse to go on the Potter assignment on the grounds that it was before noon and would therefore interfere with Sunday brunch.

"I am your master! You must obey me!"

"Oh, Master eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society." Dennis said.

"Shut Up!" Voldemort said as he grabbed the offending Death Eater.

"Now we see the violence inherent in the system."

"SHUT UP" He said as he dragged the man to the antechamber.

"Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

The rest of the Death Eaters looked on in shock. Then, through door to the antechamber they heard a strange wheezing screaming sound.

"NO! Please no!...AHHHHHAHHHHHAHHHA! *gasp* Please…AHHHAHH—"

"NOW THEN." Voldemort said as he walked back into the room "Any more questions?"

"Alright everyone you know your assignments! Let's move out!" Moody called.

"This should be interesting" Dumbledore said privately to Snape as they took a portkey to Arabella Figg's house.

"Quite," Snape said," The Dark Lord is planning on personally attending this little shindig."

"Fabulous, and we have the box seats!" Dumbledore replied disillusioned on the roof a few feet away from Snape, "Popcorn?"

Snape looked at it suspiciously before taking a handful. He popped it in his mouth only to see it very shortly afterward as he spit it back out.

"Problem Severus?" Dumbledore asked innocently.

"No, nothing at all..I merely coughed at most inopportune moment" Snape said muttering about senile old men and their lemon flavored popcorn.

"Ah, well I do believe the show is about to begin." He said excitedly as two enormous figures waddled out to the car.

Moody and the others hand-selected (drew the short straw) for this task flooed to

"Now what is the meaning of this?" Vernon Dursley bellowed. "OUT! Get OUT FREAKS!"

"Aw stuff it Dursley" said Moody, "Actually, Silencio" They all watched amusedly as a vein on his forehead pulsed dangerously.

"There, now Tonks!" barked Moody, "Take this polyjuice potion upstairs and get Harry ready. We'll keep watch down here."

Tonks walked upstairs with a smirk on her face. As she walked upstairs she morphed into Harry, intending to scare him with his own face. She heard someone washing their hands in the lavatory and her smirk grew even wider.

Downstairs, a pop was heard from the kitchen. The Order members froze. There was a low pitch humming that they hadn't noticed before. Suddenly scores of pops could be heard from the kitchen. Eyes wide they quickly retreated to the staircase. Then a piercing beeeep was heard. The Order members downstairs jumped and looked around in confusion.

The bathroom door suddenly burst open and a quarter-ton mass hit Tonks head on. She came-to mere moments later as Moody ran upstairs. She had reverted to her natural form as her severely concussed head lacked the concentration to keep it.

"What happened?" Moody demanded

"Bleaeegh" Tonks answered

"Ah good work Tonks, but you should have left the celebrating until after the rescue. Anyways I'll get these two out of here and you get yourself home."

Tonks responded by puking.

"Right, clean yourself up then. Harry?" He said turning to the other boy sitting woozy on the landing."Its time to go."

Dudley, while having a much thicker skull than Tonks, also had a much smaller brain too, so was even more out-of-it than she. However he still was able to move, and followed Moody downstairs without complaint.

"Alright Dursley get in the car and drive him to # 13 Grimmauld Place. We will meet you there and collect him." Moody said gesturing to Dudley. At this Vernon's eyes grew wide. He shook his head.

"NOW!" Moody yelled. "Or I'll...I'll…I'll…" Vernon looked on curiously.

"You know what, Screw it. Imperio"

Voldemort was still enraged at his so called 'loyal' Death Eaters. They had agreed to come but now he had to buy them all dinner, and they always ordered the lobster when that happened. Something had to be done about their insolence. It was simply intolerable and way too expensive. He gave the nod and the fifteen Death Eaters he picked plus one all apparated to the driveway of Number 4 Private Drive.

"Alright Boys you know what to do!" Dennis said, and as one, they all conjured picket signs. "What do we want?"

"Renegotiation!"

"When do we want it?"

"NOW!"

"That's right! We challenge you to break this line!"

Voldemort buried his head in his hand in an attempt to calm down. He actually wasn't that surprised. Not about the strike, but because this was one in a slew of unfortunate events starting from that Halloween night years ago. He didn't even notice the two figures continue on their way to the car. It started up and he looked up just in time to see a very large amount steel inches from his face and he knew no more. The car, not even slowing, left a burning trail of rubber as it sped off towards London.

Harry threw the book down with disgust. He hadn't believed something so sickeningly cute could ever be penned by a member of his own gender. 'Ah', he thought as he took a closer look. 'Co-authored, edited and revised by the most beautiful flower in the world: My loving wife'. This was all underlined by odd squiggly lines. Odd, some of them looked strangely like snakes…

Help! If you are reading this my wife has discovered the secret to our kind! I feel like I shalln't survive this treatment much longer! All the information you need is hidden in plain sight in the Slytherin Dormitory. I only hope that you are able to keep this information hidden better than I could.

Harry stared at the book in shock. He read the passage twice more to make sure he understood it correctly, then raced towards the entrance to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. The stairs formed at his command and ascended. He sprinted down from the second floor and eventually skidded to a halt in front of the blank wall.

"Uhh..Pureblood?" he said tentatively. "Purity?...Pure-incest?" 'I'm an idiot' he thought as he remembered the pendant of Hogwarts.

"As master of Hogwarts I command the Slytherin password to forever be 'Praise be to Potter'" Harry looked around and saw nothing different.

"Praise be to Potter!" He yelled at the stone in front of him. He heard a grating sound and saw the stone move way about thirty feet away. Somehow he knew that Hogwarts was laughing at him.

Harry entered the Slytherin Dormitory and excitedly looked around. The answer to defeating Riddle could be in here. Everyone knew that knowledge was power and if he had knowledge that Voldemort didn't have then he also had power that he 'knows not'. After looking for an hour, Harry was ready to give up. He hadn't seen any sign of it, and figured that if it was there, Voldemort would have surely found it in the seven years of living there. Disappointed, he trudged back to the Chamber of Secrets and froze as he walked past the first door. 'Duh!' he thought 'he meant the original Slytherin Dormitory!'

He pushed the door open and looked around. There, on the closest desk was a book. It was titled A Complete History of Parseltounge. That was amazing in and of itself, but what made it truly extraordinary was that it was in written in English…