disclaimer: no, i do not own naruto.

notes: i should really update this more often...haha and i will! it just takes alotttt out me to write these chapters. like, i said this story is...bittersweet. it's a story about accepting yourself and recovery. i really hope you guys enjoy and review! i would love to know your thoughts - good or bad. anyway, please review!

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Pretty Decode

author; visionary dreams

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Let me began with, an eleven year should not have to worry about whether or not she was fat, and I understood that. Or did I? Cuz I sure as hell thought I was. By then, I had a few moments where I wouldn't eat for a day or so, but eventually, I would cave, my pre-teen body needing the energy and my stomach was just so hungry. Those were the days I felt guilty and wished I was a commoner—not a kunoichi in training.

But alas, I spent most of life as 11-12 year old constantly watching what I ate, and constantly wishing I was just skinnier—prettier, maybe then Sasuke would notice me. Or, at least, that's the reason I gave myself.

I didn't want to be honest with myself and say the only reason I obsess over what I ate and how I look so much is it because it took my loneliness away. If I was focused on other things, I wouldn't have to focus on the fact that Sakura threw me away like I was nothing. Like I was dirt.

By the time I was thirteen, I had already graduated from the academy and had already been selected on the same team as Shikamaru and Chouji. I acted as pissed off and as mad as I could in front of Sakura, feigning jealously over the fact she was on Sasuke's team, and I wasn't. In reality, I was glad to be on the same team as my best guy friends. They have never abandoned me.

The argument ended with Sakura calling me fat, and her telling me I had no chance at "Sasuke's love" as she was on his team, and I was not. I called her a stupid forehead girl, and that all the air in head was causing her head to explode. We both partied our ways with red faces, and angry hearts. Her anger for not coming up with a better comeback, and my anger directed towards Sakura—who not only called me fat, but would honestly choose a guy over me, over our friendship.

My heart ached.

But I continued on with the rest of my day with my team, and when it was time to go out to eat at the end I ate barbeque just like Shikmaru and Chouji and Asuma-sensei, but once I got home that night, I made sure my parents were asleep, and then I locked myself away in my bathroom upstairs.

I looked at myself long and hard in the mirror that night. Twisting and turning, I poked and grabbed my hips and stomach, frowning, feeling enormously guilty for consuming the amount of food I did early. Fear creeping up through my body at the thought of weight gain, I glanced down towards the toilet and up towards my reflection in the mirror once more.

My throat tightening, I kneeled down towards the toilet, closing my eyes tight, I stuck two fingers towards the back of my throat. I gagged, wiggling my fingers back and front, trying to cause a reaction, my eyes watered and stung and my mouth filled with the horrible taste of bile. Coughing and gagging, my stomach empty, I sat back against the wall. My nose ran, and my red eyes stung with unleashed tears.

That was the first time I had ever forcibly thrown up my food.

But hey, I remember thinkng, at least I'm not gonna get fat.

I finished up writing angry. Angry at myself..angry because even at eleven I didn't allow myself to just be a kid. To just let go and not worry about my appearance. I had always been vain, even long before my teen years, and it makes to me sad to know not only did I waste those years protecting my village, but I also wasted them obsessing over my weight, my looks. While I should've been more worried about my skills as a ninja and my comrades, but instead I was worried whether or not I was gonna gain a pound or two.

I wanted to scream. I felt surrounded by this hospital room, I couldn't breathe. My eyes stung and my throat felt like there was huge knot in it, and I tried to swallow, and it just would not go down. I felt so light-headed and dizzy. I needed out of here, oh my god, I need out.

"Ms. Yamanaka!" I heard the nurse from earlier yell, "Breathe!" I remember her yelling, "You're having a panic attack!"

And then everything went black.

I woke up a few moments later, a doctor and two nurses inspected me, check every angle, took my blood pressure, weight me, checked my breathing, and made me eat…

They made eat.

Again.

Orange juice, toast, and peaches.

I've never wanted to cry so much in my life.

After that was over, they put me on more anxiety medication and the redheaded nurse was advised to take me outside for a breather. She took me out back of the facility—Konoha Treatment Center, it was located in the back of the village, where villagers and ninjas alike are sent to for any drug abuse, suicide attempts, post-traumatic stress, mental illnesses...—to a trail by a pond. It was late in the afternoon, and I was still in these dreadful hospital clothes.

I probably looked hideous.

And fat.

I sat in silent with the nurse on the bench as we over looked out into the pond where the ducks crowded all around.

I wanted to remember something happy. I'm tired of being so sad and hating myself all the time. How could I be good enough for anyone when I'm not even good enough for myself?

As I was surrounded by nature and the beautiful things of life, I tried to remember happier memories of my teen years—to assure myself that it wasn't all a waste—that I wasn't always so sad; I tried so hard to make myself remember the happier times.

I had just passed my chunin exam and I was out celebrating with Asuma-sensei, Shikamaru, and Chouji. Smiling big, I was so tired and my body ached, but I did it. I really did it and I proved myself against a really tough opponent from Suna.

As Asuma-sensei and Chouji exchanged stories of my battle with bright eyes and extreme facial expressions, I giggled, and Shikamaru smirked, and for once I didn't care I was out eating with my team. For once I didn't care what I looked like, or how much I ate, or how much weight I was gonna gain. I was so happy and overcome with pride, I didn't let my guarded insecurities bother me.

I was so content with my team and for my once in so long, I went to bed that night without hearing the cruel thoughts inside my head about myself.

I went to bed peaceful.