Chapter Eight: Phoned

A/N: I found this one, too! I plan to start writing again, so hopefully you'll be seeing more (frequently updated) updates in the near future :D (I don't own Dr. Horrible! Stop pestering me! D)

-Shnee!-

"And you said yes?" Moist exclaimed, staring at his friend in disbelief. Billy had just finished telling him about the day's events (excluding the "lying-on-the-floor-with-Captain-Hammer-on-top incident"), and Moist found them quite incredible.

"Yes, Moist, I said, 'yes,'" Billy repeated the news for the third time that evening. They were in the kitchen, and he was finally out of those tight clothes. Baggy pants and a loose, frayed sweatshirt had never felt so good. His voice was back to normal and he was sitting at the table, his face buried in his hands as he massaged his temples. He didn't know what he drank at Captain Hammer's place, but it was giving him a massive headache.

"Moist? Do you think my apartment is lame?"

"Do I think-what are you talking about? You've got a date with Captain Hammer and you're worried about your apartment? What's wrong with you, man?" Moist exploded, whacking Billy upside the head, which set off the throbbing of both his headache and bruise.

"Watch it," he moaned, sinking onto the table. "And it's not such a bad thing, you know."

"Oh, yeah? How so? Looks pretty crappy to me."

"See, by befriending Captain Hammer, I ensure another visit to his house."

"So you are gay prostitute!"

"What?"

"You're selling yourself for chances to raid his house!"

"I am not 'selling' myself!"

"Please," Moist crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "Why else would Captain Hammer invite a groupie to his house? The hammer is itching to get out of the toolbox, man!"

"You-he-I-Hammer-that's just gross, Moist! What's wrong with you?"

"You can't deny it! Hammer is just trying to get in your pants!"

"Look, quit referring to the groupie as me, okay? Her name is Samantha. Captain Hammer wants into Samantha's pants."

"But you're Samantha!"

"Okay, you know what? You're stupid."

"I'm stupid? I'm not the one parading around in front of my number one enemy while wearing drag!"

"But for a good cause!"

"So you admit it!"

"God, Moist! Shut up!" Billy slid his chair back from the table and marched into the living room. Moist followed, still chattering about trivial details. "Shut up shut up SHUT UP!" When his demands were not met, Billy reverted to the childish method of plugging his ears and screaming nursery rhymes at the top of his lungs.

"Listen to me! Billy!"

"Mary had a little lamb! Little lamb!"

"Shut up, you psychopath!"

"LITTLE LAMB! Mary had-"

"You have to think logically about this-"

"A little lamb-"

"Or else you'll-"

"Whose fleece was-"

"Get screwed! And I-"

"White as SNOW!"

"Mean that in multiple ways!"

"That's just wrong, Moist," Billy grimaced, unplugging his ears. "Really now, be honest. Do you have, like, little fantasies about me and Captain Hammer?"

"No, but I'll bet a bunch of the readers do," Moist shrugged, sitting on the couch. "But, seriously, Doc, think about it. You know how the guy is."

"He's dating Penny, though," Billy pointed out, if somewhat grudgingly.

"And that's a good thing now?"

"Well, no," Billy admitted. "But hopefully it'll be enough to make Hammer at least hesitate before he tries to do anything . . . maybe."

"Yeah, maybe," Moist laughed harshly. "And you realize how much shit you'll be in if he finds out about this Cecilia-"

"Samantha."

"-whatever. If he finds out it's you, you'll probably be killed."

Billy nodded. "But I doubt he'll figure it out. The guy isn't very smart."

Yeah, but even so, be careful."

"Don't you worry, Moisty ol' buddy ol' pal," Billy laughed somewhat sarcastically. "I won't get caught. Even if I do, I'm used to abuse."

"But sexual abuse?"

"ENOUGH!"

-Shnee!-

Luckily for Billy, Captain Hammer hadn't pressed the issue when Samantha said she didn't have a phone yet. Thus, Hammer's phone number was tucked in Billy's back pocket as he went out to purchase a new cell phone. He already had one, of course, but he figured it would be best if he and Samantha led completely separate lives.

Wanting to practice being in character, he went out in disguise. Moist wasn't around to force him into freakishly tight clothes, so he wore loose jeans and a red hoodie.

The journey to the mall was pretty uneventful (although he thought he saw Moist rolling his eyes at him from across the street), and so was the walk to the Verizon place in the mall. Unfortunately, upon walking into the store, he heard something that made his stomach flip.

"Samantha!"

It was Julie. She had spotted him. There was no escape. She charged and hit him at full speed, wrapping him in a hug that nearly squeezed the very life out of him. Pulling back, her face one big smile of flawless teeth, she asked, "What on earth happened to you?"

"Oh, I just got separated and couldn't get back to the group," Billy shrugged, hoping that would suffice.

Julie seemed to accept it, because changed the subject to the variety of phones on display. "Oh, you're getting a cell? Awesome! Oh, you should really go for one of those sliding ones with the full on keyboard! It makes texting so much easier! Oh, here-" She grabbed his wrist and took a marker from a mug on the table, writing her phone number on his skin. "-call me as soon as you get hooked up, okay? I can tell you about the part of the tour you missed. 'Course, I'd tell you now, but I've got to set up a birthday party for my niece. See ya!"

She ran off before Billy could thank her, not that he was very thankful. Now Samantha had no excuse for being social. She couldn't just disappear off the face of the earth. She would probably be expected to have an email and a facebook and all that fun stuff, too. Crap.

With a sigh, he made eye contact with the lady behind the counter and inquired about the phone Julie had pointed out.

-Shnee!-

It took Billy four hours of aimless chatter to get out of that store. That's what it felt like, anyway. The stupid salesperson had been trying to interest him in this, that, and the other. Jeez. He was afraid he'd be there all night.

But finally, he managed to escape. Free to move under the radar as the barely known Samantha, he made his way to a quiet part of the park before dialing a certain phone number.

He almost had a heart attack when it stopped ringing and that certain someone picked up. "Captain Hammer? Uh, hey, it's Samantha. I was thinking that, maybe, tomorrow, we could, I 'unno, do . . . something?"