Disclaimer: GW = not mine

Author's Note: For Omnicat. Her story "All's Fair" had a premise that reminded me of my Nonsensical Nuances ficlet "Reading Material." Granted, our approaches to the topic at hand differ but her fic inspired me to write this sort of sequel to "Reading Material." Can stand alone. Keep in mind that this is a humor piece, and highly experimental.

Paperthin
by mistress amethyst une

Lord St. Claire was dark and dangerous, his demeanor contrasting his gentle blue eyes, golden tresses and fair complexion. He was a fallen angel, a notorious rake schooled in the art of love by a lust-driven madame eager to share and practice the erotic secrets of the East. Just the sort of man silently begging for redemption under the tutelage of a maiden of innocence...

Heero Yuy was also dark and dangerous, his demeanor fitting his wild azure glare, often tousled brown hair and bronze tan. He, too, was a fallen angel, a child turned soldier schooled in the art of war by a scientist who taught him to value paving the way for peace over life itself. Just the sort of man to raise hell when the personification of the peace he fought for, the woman he loved, surrendered to Lord St. Claire's charms...

Heero had recently confronted Relena about her affair, grabbing Lord St. Claire and roughing him up before her eyes. It stung to recall how she plead for her lover as Heero mercilessly dragged the damned aristocrat out of her reach. What did this oversexed noble have to offer Relena that Heero couldn't? The perfect soldier took his romantic rival out to the yard with the intention of setting him on fire. However, things didn't go exactly as planned. It was Heero's curiosity that spared Lord. St. Claire from hell's inferno. The knowledge he culled from his competition would probably prove indispensable in the future. Heero was going to win Relena back, and he was going to do it without a damned English accent.

At dinner, he pulled out her chair for her. She eyed him with suspicion, still in a rage, believing he had slain Lord St. Claire. Who was he to dictate to her which men she could and could not admire? All right, maybe she had pushed it a bit too far when she had taken both Heero and Lord St. Claire to bed at the same time, but still...

"So...he's gone?" she asked, refusing to look at him as she picked at her salad.

"Burned to ashes," he told her, knowing very well that Lord St. Claire was safely tucked away in his closet. "Though I did learn a thing or two before I sent him to his death."

"Is that so?" she asked, toying with her vegetables as she shifted them around her plate with her fork.

"Relena, I simply can't share you. I won't have you looking to another man to fulfill your fantasies."

"Selfishness isn't a good personality trait," she snapped, viciously impaling a lettuce leaf.

He was glad he'd opted not to order an appetizer. Her violence was hardly conducive to a healthy appetite. Besides, the topic at hand wasn't exactly great dinner conversation. Taking a deep breath, he decided to try out one of Lord St. Claire's signature moves.

"But, my love-"

"What did you just call me?" she gasped, her mouth falling agape as she eyed him in disbelief.

"My love?"

She looked thoughtful for a second before dissolving into a fit of giggles. "What I'd do for some recording equipment right now! Do you have any idea how strange it is hearing you say that?"

He shrugged. "It's a change of pace. Picking up a gentleman's manners, using endearments on a lady-"

"You read it, didn't you?"

"Dispatching him without discovering what kept you coming back to him would have been a foolish move."

"Unbelievable!" she laughed, absentmindedly pointing at him with a forkful of greens. "Heero, please, I beg of you, don't make any improvements based on my romance novels. Lord St. Claire is a fun little fantasy but I'm not a woman of that era. You didn't bother to study Melinda, did you? His love interest?"

"I glossed over those details."

"Well, she's spunky but quite defenseless. Always needs her hunk of a husband to save her. I don't aspire for that."

She most certainly did not. In all his years as head of security for Relena, he found that the person he most often needed to defend against was Relena herself. It came to be that he was, more often than not, protecting himself from her rather than protecting her. Granted, her attacks on him were often fitting punishments for his overzealous precautionary measures going awry or his insensitive remarks or his- Well, the list went on. He was just glad to know that he'd selected the right woman for the mammoth task of putting him in his place, and helping him adapt to society in a time of peace.

"I like reading those fantasies for distraction, Heero," she smiled, finally taking her first bite of salad. "They're not to be taken seriously. I don't want an English lord whispering nonsense Gaelic love phrases in my ear. That doesn't even make sense. Silly little plot hole in there that drove me mad. There's no one else in the book who speaks Gaelic, and Lord St. Claire never really wandered out of England. How the hell did he learn? Author lazily forgot to address that..."

"So calling you 'my love' on a regular basis is out of the question?"

"Do you want me to die laughing?"

"I did promise to kill you."

"I want to be dispatched with dignity, thank you very much."

"You honestly believe you have a choice?"

"A gentleman always respects a lady's wishes."

"I thought we established that I wasn't going to proceed with that crap."

She beamed. "Ah well, we'll keep that one rule. Other than that, I'm sticking with my dark and dangerous Gundam pilot. You know how he is, right? Fiercely loyal and devoted to his princess, prone to ridiculous fits of jealousy, sexy as all hell... I taught him everything he knows about pleasing a woman. Heard of him?"

"Sounds like a keeper," he smirked. "I assume you won't be taking any more romance novels to bed with you for late night reading? I think this Gundam pilot of yours finds it disturbing lying next to you as you follow another man's sexcapades."

"Sexcapades," she chortled. "That's a prime candidate for the dictionary, if I ever heard one. No, I don't think I'll be taking any more fictional lovers to bed. Of course, my Gundam pilot will have to compensate for what I'm missing out on."

"Consider the mission accepted," he told her, raising his glass to toast the deal. Her glass clinked against his in agreement. With Heero having gained the full confidence that his lady would no longer stray, Lord St. Claire would be spared the fires of hell no longer.

Goodness, I hope this experiment worked out.