A.N.
As a treat on my birthday I decided to upload something for fun.
This was submitted months ago for Mathematica's 'Inbox', but unfortunately the author stopped taking contributions and my entry never saw the light of day. So I dug up this old thing and decided to share it with you all.
Enjoy!
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After the Clone Wars, Republic haulers scavenging Coruscant space located a comlink floating among the debris left in the aftermath of the battle of Coruscant. After repairing it from damage, investigators were able restore the data stored on it. These are the recordings of what they found:
-static-
Greetings mortals! This is the Supreme Commander of the Separatist Armies, General Grievous, Warlord of the Kaleesh, Slayer of Jedi and Great Master of the Dejarik board! If you are Count Dooku, press 1. If you are a member of the Separatist Council, press 2. If you are Republic scum calling to offer terms of surrender, then disconnect immediately and prepare for annihilation! Harh, harh, harh, cough!
-beep-
General Grievous, it's Dooku. Word has reached me that you've placed an order for a ludicrous amount of battledroids to your forces. I will have you know that there is no such number, please be advised my Master already questions your ability to lead our armies. Do not further fuel his doubts.
-beep-
Hello gruesome, I know you're trying to earn my Master's favor, but I'll have you know I'm way out of your league. So back off if you know what's good for you. Ventress out.
-beep-
Oh great and wise one, I can see that you've deployed a rather uh…large fleet in our orbit. Just so you know, we are a humble and peace loving people…err…my that's a lot of starfighters…please, have mercy!
-beep-
General Grievous, this is Dooku. I've received a report regarding your latest campaigns in the Outer Rim. Despite your successes, the Separatist Council has expressed concern with your latest maneuver, regarding it as "Overkill". Please try to restrain yourself in the future.
-beep-
Listen here you walking sack of scum! Just because you took on five Jedi at a time doesn't give you the right to belittle me. How about you bring your bottle of guts to my face and talk instead? At least I've still got a face you cheap, sorry excuse for spare parts.
-beep-
This is the Grand Army of the Republic Broadcasting Network signaling to all receiving Separatist channels, please be aware that killing, dismaying or any other forms of physical torment being inflicted on innocent, wounded, minor or elder citizens is not tolerated within Galactic Law and is a violation of Species Rights. We do urge that you abstain from committing such acts at once.
-beep-
General, this is Wat Tambor representing the Techno Union ...brrrroooorrrrbrrrr…I've been receiving complaints about the misuse of our droids under your command. I thought nothing of it at first, brrrrooowwwoooo….but upon further investigation of the reports I was admittedly deterred. Our droids are not bridges for your tanks, general! I will take this up to Dooku if it persists.
-beep-
General Grievous, Dooku here. I heard about your little stunt with droids used for bridges on Toledo. Mildly amusing, I must admit. But I have expressed to you how expensive these droids are. And please avoid insulting the Council Members in their inboxes, mocking Tambor's voice patterns is most juvenile.
-beep-
This is the Grand Army of the Republic Broadcasting Network signaling to all receiving Separatist channels. The following message is directed to General Grievous regarding his latest threats calling on all Clones to surrender the Core Worlds...Nuts!
-beep-
Hwa ha ha! Excuse me, General. This is Gunray. I'm just calling in to let you know how much I enjoyed our last encounter with the Jedi Padawan. It was most amusing! Uh, tell me, do you still have his lightsaber?
-beep-
Stop it you insect! You don't need to call me every time you kill a Jedi, you diseased, stick bug. Ventress out.
-beep-
Grievous, this is Count Dooku. I feel I must express my displeasure with your behavior on our last mission. The Jedi was most willing to join our cause as I am sure you were well aware. But my real aggravation is with the way you deliberately bombarded the building I was in to take that opportunity! I warn you, general. My tolerance for your disobedience is thinning quickly.
-beep-
Errr…uhhh…General? Is that you? This is unit 632, I was there at the Battle on Taris with Commander Ventress when we had to leave and you took over the mission? Well, after I gave her your message she told me to contact you but I didn't get the chance to reach you. Oh well, here's the message she told me to forward to you anyway. "Go stuff yourself."
-beep-
General, this is San Hill. I'm still up for that Dejarik game you promised me. Or did you decide to avoid a shameful defeat?
-beep-
General, this is the Trade Federation Maintenance Facility Headquarters, we're pleased to inform you that your request for dismantling droid unit number 632 has been successfully executed. You failed however to point out the fault in the droid unit on the request form.
-beep-
General Grievous, this is the Banking Clan Naval Production Facility, we're sorry to inform you but your order for a billion cruisers cannot be carried out. We also would prefer if the Separatist Council handled future production orders from now on. Thank you.
-beep-
Hi there, it's Ventress. I went to see my master yesterday and found his hair looking greyer than before. You been letting him down again loser?
-beep-
Wat Tambor here, I would like to congratulate you, general. Bwwwooorrrrlllp….we got our monthly statistical reports in and I think you will enjoy this one. Number of crew droids damaged or destroyed due to non-combatant violence…brrrrrweeeee… two hundred and twenty three. A record breaking number, general. Oh, and the Techno Union has considered putting 'damaged or destroyed due to Grievous error' as a category in our report next time. Jerk.
-beep-
General Grievous, this is Dooku. I've always known you to be hot headed, but the news I received from my aids last night infuriated me to no end. Physically threatening a senior member of the Separatist Council will not be tolerated again! San Hill was most upset. For pity's sake general, it was only a Dejarik game.
-beep-
General, we feel obliged to inform you that Count Dooku has signed you up on an Anger Management program. You will find a schedule of your sessions and details about your doctor listed in your datapad.
-beep-
Guess what glum-stuff? It's Ventress. Looks like there's going to be a gathering of Jedi somewhere, and Master has asked me to lead the forces with him…did I mention Skywalker is going to be there? Have a nice weekend!
-beep-
If only we didn't install a vocabulator during your profane reconstruction…brrrmmmmwooo, maybe we'd all have break from your incessant calls and actually win this war!
-beep-
General, you are receiving this message on behalf of the Neimodian Arts and Crafts Society, we're pleased to inform you that we've completed sculpturing thirty of the Kaleesh Warrior designs you submitted to us. The statues are now being shipped to your listed locations. We will update you when the next batch is complete, as usual.
-beep-
General, it's come to our attention that you've missed every session of your Anger Management program. The doctor must stress the importance of your attendance and insists that not dealing with the problem might only worsen the condition of your stress levels. Please try to attend the next one.
-beep-
General Grievous? Is that your ship orbiting the planet? Grievous this is Dooku. If you can hear this I command you to respond immediately. You have gone too far this time... General!
-beep-
Why you dirty, low-ridden, filth! I can't believe you actually stalked us on our mission! It's no wonder the Jedi were alerted to our presence. You just couldn't stand knowing my Master preferred me over you, could you? Of course not! Coz you're a sad, sad, pity fest who's just looking for approval from his owner- like some Kawaikian Monkey Lizard! And I can't believe you ran away, you coward. Well, I hope you're happy, because my Master sure isn't, and he's tracked your location. Oh…and that shuttle coming your way is him.
-beep-
It's Gunray...You are sooo dead!
-beep-
This is the Grand Army of the Republic Broadcasting Network signaling to all receiving Separatist channels. -crowd chanting- Clones rule, droids drool! Clones rule, droids drool! Clones rule, droids drool!-crowd chanting- Oh yeah, you know it hut'uun!
-beep-
Aww, too upset to pick up? That's okay, I only wanted to tell you just how priceless the look on your face was! And it's always priceless because you're such a gloomy pest. I was so glad to be there and watch Dooku rip you to shreds in front of us all. It's too bad he didn't remove you from power yet, but he will soon enough and I'll be the one taking your place. Asajj Ventress, Supreme Commander of the Separatist Armies…doesn't that have a nice ring to it?
-beep-
It's San Hill. I heard what happened. And I was laughing…hard.
-beep-
General, we are afraid to inform you that your doctor has passed away. It appears he died from overexposure to space vacuum near the vicinity of your ship. Due to this unfortunate calamity your Anger Management program has been cancelled. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.
-beep-
Hello General Grie-*cough*, you have no unread messages in your GalacticTech inbox.
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A.N.
A thank you to all my readers for encouraging me all this way.
Keep an eye out for Beacons of the Ancients. Coming soon!