Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters. I just own this really whacked-out plot.

So, this originally started out as a sort of Twilight spoof, but it turned into something completely different. So now I STILL owe my friend the Twilight mock-fest she's been asking for... It will come, I swear!

As always, I'd appreciate any feedback!

"No, no, no, no!" Hinata mumbled to herself, shoving through the crowded club, "This cannot be happening!" She pushed another man out of the way to get to the exit, ignoring his yelp when his beer sloshed to the ground.

She hadn't wanted to come to the club, but Ino and Sakura had begged her. "It's my twenty-first birthday, Hinata-chan!" Sakura had pouted, "Please come? Just this once?" So Hinata had grudgingly agreed, and allowed the two squealing girls to drag her to the trendy new bar that had recently opened downtown.

I should have known better, she thought angrily, pulling her wooden stake out of her purse. This was the kind of thing I was raised to prevent. And now they've got my friends…

Hinata froze abruptly, closing her eyes. She was the daughter of a long line of vampire hunters. She was trained all her life to kill them and rescue innocents, so that was what she would do. So what if she was the disgraced heir? So what if her fighting skills were sub-par at best? She was a Hyuuga, damn it! She would rescue her friends!

"I can do this," she whispered, "I have to."

So Hinata ran from the club, never noticing the glowing eyes that watched her intently as she raced down the street.

"This is all your fault," Sakura said, trying to loosen the ropes that bound her wrists, "Ino-pig. If we die I'm blaming you."

"I didn't do anything!" The blonde girl wailed, "I was just flirting, like usual! How was I supposed to know that we would be kidnapped?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. She sent a critical glance around the room, trying to find a way to escape. The ropes that bound them were the first problem, but if they could twist their way free then there was a possibility that they could also manage to crawl out the window at the corner of the room. It was tiny, and Ino would probably have to climb on her shoulders to get out…

"We're going to be sacrificed!" Ino moaned, in full freak-out mode, "I'm too pretty to be a sacrifice!"

"You won't be a sacrifice," Sakura soothed, straining at the ropes, "I think cults normally like their sacrifices of the virgin variety."

Ino stopped crying as suddenly as she'd started. "I think you're right!" She exclaimed, "Oh, what a relief!" Sakura felt her slump against the chair.

"See? Your skankery did pay off," Sakura teased. Ino snorted.

"So I'll be okay. But Sakura…" she trailed off. She sounded slightly worried, but Sakura knew better. She could practically sense the smirk that appeared on her face. "I might be safe, but you…" Ino trailed off suggestively.

Sakura grimaced. "When we get out of this, I'm going to kill you," Sakura said darkly, "Now, help me get out of these ropes."

Hinata wasn't fully equipped to take on a group of vampires, so she had to make a pit stop at her apartment to stock up. She changed into more comfortable clothes, attached thigh holsters filled with wooden stakes, filled her pockets with vials of holy water. She put on her mother's crucifix as a last minute measure. Then, when she had no more time to stall, she called her cousin Neji.

Neji was the talented one in their family- that was obvious to everyone. He killed more vampires in his short life than most of the adults had in their years combined. He and Hinata weren't particularly close, but right now she needed him.

So, naturally, he wasn't picking up his phone.

"Neji," Hinata said, "I know you're not there, but I need your help. Vampires kidnapped two of my friends… The Akatsuki coven members that were stationed in town. I'm going after them, but I can't do this alone. Please call me back as soon as you can…"

Hinata sighed as she hung up the phone and stuck it in her jacket pocket. Neji was the only one in her family who would even consider helping her. Without him, she would most likely be dead.

Taking one last glance around her apartment, Hinata left, intent on rescuing her friends even without back up.

"I hope they're okay," she said to herself, "Oh, they must be so scared…"

"Damn it Ino, hurry up!" Sakura growled, trying to keep her balance. Ino was standing precariously on her shoulders, trying to reach the window.

"If you would stand still this would be a lot easier!" Ino shot back. She reached her hands up, attempting to grab onto the windowsill. Her hands fell a few inches short. "Crap, it's too far."

Sakura sneezed, and the sudden movement made both girls tumble to the floor. They lay in a tangled heap on the floor, moaning.

"Owww…" Sakura grumbled, "That hurt. Ugh, we're never going to get out of here!" Ino scrunched her face up in thought. Suddenly, she lit up.

"Oh, Sakura!" She exclaimed, "What if we wear our heels?" She waved one of her stilettos in the air.

Sakura slammed her head onto the ground in defeat. They were so going to die.

All hunters knew where the vampire covens kept their havens. "These are the places you cannot go," her father had told her when she was very small, "It would be suicide for you to try. One hunter cannot face a hundred vampires."

Hinata had never been very good at listening to her father.

The Akatsuki coven lived in an abandoned apartment complex downtown. Hinata had been told countless times during her childhood to avoid that area at all costs. "There are Akatsuki members in almost every large town in the world. The leader of the Konoha group is one of the worst, and will kill you without hesitation."

Hinata shuddered. The Akatsuki had been the bogeymen of her childhood. How was she supposed to thwart them and survive?

Her phone rang suddenly, the loud tone shrill in the silence of the night. "Hello?" she answered breathlessly, "Neji, is that you?"

"Hinata, what the hell did you get involved in?" Her cousin asked irritably, "I thought you gave up hunting."

"I did, but…" she trailed off, biting her lip, "They've got my friends. I can't just abandon them."

Neji was silent for a moment, and then she heard him sigh. "I'll help you," he said, surprising her, "As soon as I can get away. It might be too late by the time I get there."

Hinata smiled. "Thank you, cousin," she said. He took that as a goodbye and hung up.

"Okay, maybe wearing heels while trying to climb on your shoulders wasn't such a good idea…"

"Ino, I hate you."

Hinata was two blocks away from the Akatsuki hotel when she was ambushed.

"Oh, what's a pretty little thing like you wandering around the streets by yourself for?" One of the vampires asked, his grin showing pointed teeth. Hinata could tell he wasn't a particularly strong opponent- none of them were- but they were in a large group.

"Mm, she looks tasty," another hissed, and Hinata bit back a shudder, "Looks like we have ourselves a treat, boys."

They had already formed a circle around her. If Neji were here he would pull off some fabulous move, something that would be able to destroy them from all sides. But she was Hinata. She didn't have any tricks up her sleeve except a few vials of holy water.

One of them pounced. Hinata kicked him away viciously, staking him in the heart in a swift motion. He exploded into dust. She disposed of two more in a similar fashion before being overwhelmed, one grabbing her from behind. His fangs grazed her neck and she knew; this was it. She was going to die.

Someone gave a loud yell, and suddenly there was nothing holding her up anymore. She fell backwards through the dust that would have been her murderer, spotting a blotch of yellow before landing on the ground. She was up just as fast, stake in hand, marveling that she was still alive. But who had rescued her?

The answer came almost immediately. The vampires were all dark, pale creatures; a boy with bright blonde hair fought amongst them, shining like the sun in the dead of night. Hinata watched him with admiring eyes before joining the fray. He was fighting against the mob- and actually winning.

What was he?

They worked through the vampires until the last was gone in a pouf of dust. Hinata panted heavily; her rescuer hardly seemed winded.

"Hey there!" he said cheerfully, "Are you okay? It seemed like you were having a bit of trouble, so I decided to help out."

His eyes were very blue, Hinata thought absently. She shook her head. "Yes… Thank you," she managed to say, still shocked, "You saved my life. But how?"

The boy shrugged, a grin spreading across his face. "I know a lot about supernatural things," he told her, "And if you're trying to do what I think you're trying to do… Don't." Hinata frowned.

"What do you think that I'm trying to do?" She asked, "Because I can assure you that I'm doing it for a good reason." He sighed, scratching his head.

"You're going to make this complicated," he complained. He sounded annoyed, but a smile played on his lips. "Alright, then. If you're going to take on Akatsuki, then you're going to need help."

He couldn't be serious. Hinata would have laughed if the whole idea weren't so ridiculous. "You're going to help me take on Akatsuki?" she asked, "Why? It's a suicide mission. The only reason I'm doing it is because I need to rescue my friends- why would you risk your life for no reason?"

"But I do have a reason," he argued. She raised an eyebrow. "I have a friend too. Akatsuki has had him trapped for a long time. I've just been waiting for the right time to get him out." Hinata felt the blood rush from her face.

"They keep human slaves?" she whispered, horrified. The boy shook his head.

"He's not a slave," he said, and odd expression crossing his face, "And he's not human. At least, not anymore." He hesitated for a second.

"He's one of the vampires."

There wasn't much for Sakura and Ino to do after their escape attempt failed. So Ino decided to take a nap.

Sakura was a little horrified. "We're prisoners!" she exclaimed, "We might die any second! How can you sleep at a time like this?" Ino shrugged, squishing up her purse to use as a pillow.

"I'm tired," she said, laying her head down, "And we're stuck here. I don't see what the problem is."

Sakura shook her head. "You're worse than Shikamaru," she muttered. Ino didn't reply- she was already asleep.

Sakura tried to formulate a plan. There weren't a lot of options, of course… Unless they could fight their way out, but two scrawny girls against grown men?

She almost laughed. They were doomed.

The door to their cell opened suddenly, and Sakura sprung into action. She grabbed one of Ino's stiletto heels and threw it with all her might. She would've hit her mark (she had surprisingly good aim), but the man… Caught it.

His face was almost expressionless, but something about the curve of his lips made her think that he was amused. He was almost painfully handsome, his hair an inky black and his eyes just as dark, contrasting remarkably against marble skin.

She would've been transfixed if she weren't so pissed off.

"Who are you, and what the hell gives you the right to hold us here against our will?" Sakura demanded, standing up to her full height. "You better let us go right now, or I swear the other shoe is going straight up your ass!" His lips twitched again.

"I'm not the one who locked you up," he said softly. Sakura nearly melted. His voice was as perfect as his face. "In fact, I'm here to help you. That would be a little hard if you carried through with your threat."

She was uncertain. "But why would you help us?" she asked, confused. His hands clutched into fists.

"There's someone here I need to kill," he said quietly, "But to do that I'll need a distraction. That will be you." She gaped at him. He took her hand and pressed something into it, giving her a brief glimpse of the burns on his palm.

"He looks like me," the boy continued, "That's how you'll know him. When they bring you to him, use this to defend yourself. He'll be so surprised that I'll be able to strike." He squeezed her hand, his eyes urgent and haunted. "Do you understand?"

"No," Sakura whispered, "I'm so confused. But I think the only way we'll survive is if I do what you say." She smiled at him uncertainly. "Right?"

He nodded, and then walked out the door, his footsteps eerily silent. She heard the door close and the locks latch, and only then did she look at the object in her hand. She stared at it for a long time; Ino was the one who finally disturbed her.

"How long was I asleep for?" the blonde asked with a yawn, then frowned, "Sakura… Where did you get the cross from?"

Sakura stared at her helplessly. "You mean from who," she corrected softly, her green eyes wide and confused, "And… I really don't know."

"No way," Hinata said flatly, "Get out of here." The boy groaned.

"He's not bad!" he argued, "I mean, he still has his soul and everything. He hasn't killed anyone yet."

Hinata hesitated. It was true that vampires didn't loose their souls until they actually took a human life, but the self-control it took not to kill someone was near impossible. Vampires who still had their souls had a chance to become human again, but only if they could destroy the one who turned them.

"He's been trying to kill his sire," the blonde boy continued desperately, "But Itachi's really strong. I don't know how much longer Sasuke can hold out without breaking." His eyes were scared. It was obviously that he was worried about his friend, and that made Hinata's heart melt. She had always been the soft one in the family.

"Alright," she said, trying to ignore the fluttering in her stomach when he grinned brightly at her, "I'll help you. But first, I think I should know your name."

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto," the boy said with a tinge of pride, "And thank you. Really."

"I'm Hyuuga Hinata," she replied, noticing the way his eyes widened at her name. So he'd heard of the Hyuugas, then. Interesting. "And the way I remember it, you helped me first."

"Okay then, Hyuuga Hinata," Naruto said with a mischievous smile that made her weak in the knees, "Let's go kick some vampire ass. We've got friends to save."

He grabbed her hand and raced down the street.

"Come with me," a pale-faced man told Ino and Sakura. The two girls stood up, watching the man warily. He stared at them with a vacant expression. Sakura fingered the cross in her pocket, taking comfort in the odd gift.

The servant led them into a large room. It looked like it had once been the lobby or meeting room, but the building's disrepair made it difficult to say. The only piece of furniture was a grubby couch, made even shabbier looking by the impossibly handsome man that was lounging on it.

"Well, hello," he said to the girls, his voice smooth and seductive. Sakura heard Ino stifle a gasp. "It's lovely to meet you both."

"It would have been lovelier if we hadn't been forced here," Sakura said quietly. She heard a snort from corner of the room. A brief inspection showed the boy from before, with his tortured eyes, standing in the corner of the room. The older man (who, Sakura realized, shared a remarkable resemblance to her mystery man) glanced at him with a smirk.

"Something funny, little brother?" He asked lightly. Sakura frowned. Brother?

"No, Itachi," he said, his face perfectly expressionless. She saw Ino look at them both in confusion, then felt her hand reach over to grab hers. Ino was scared. Sakura squeezed her hand lightly. I'm scared too.

"I suppose you do wish to know why you're here," Itachi mused, stepping closer. The girls moved closer together. "You see, my kind has a certain… diet." He smirked, fangs suddenly visible. "And I prefer my blood fresh." They gaped at him, terrified.

A few things happened at once.

Sakura threw the cross at Itachi, cringing in horror when it hit his face and began to burn away the flesh. The boy in the corner leaped at him, growling like some feral animal. The door to the room was thrown open and Naruto and Hinata charged in, stakes and holy water at the ready.

"Sasuke!" Naruto yelled. The boy was distracted for a split second, but that was all it took. Itachi threw his brother over his shoulder. He crashed into the wall violently, and Naruto ran to his side. Hinata threw a vial of holy water, but it missed, splashing over the couch instead of her intended target.

"Do you think you pathetic little creatures can stop me?!" Itachi hissed, his eyes turning red. He picked Hinata up by her throat; she gasped for air, barely noticing when her stake tumbled out of her hand and rolled across the floor.

"Foolish little brother," Itachi spat, "You and your friends will all die very painfully for this, I assure you-" A queer look came over his face. Hinata barely had time to react when he collapsed into a pile of dust. Ino stood there with Hinata's stake in her hand. Everyone stared at her in shock.

"What?" she asked defensively, "I watch Buffy!"

Sasuke began to laugh; a hysterical, desperate laugh that made Naruto frown. "I've been trying to kill him for two years," he said, "And this group of misfits manage it in less than a day."

"So…" Naruto said hesitantly, "Does this mean you're human again? Since Itachi's dead, and all?" Sasuke frowned, and put his hand over his heart. A slow, disbelieving smile spread across his face.

"My heart's beating," he said softly, "I think that's a good sign." Naruto whooped in joy, pulling Sasuke into a hug. The boy was too amazed to protest.

Hinata limped over to her two friends. "Are you alright?" she asked, "I was so worried."

"We're fine," Sakura assured her, "Just very, very confused." Ino nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, and can we get out of here? Old dusty buildings are so not good for my pores." Ino flounced off, her two friends staring at her in wonder.

"She doesn't let anything get to her, does she?" Naruto asked, walking up to the two girls. Sasuke trailed behind him, his hand still over his heart. Hinata smiled at them both.

"No, she really doesn't," she said, before smiling up at Naruto shyly, "I want to thank you. I never could have gotten here without you." To everyone's surprise, he flushed slightly.

"Yeah, well… we didn't do much, in the end," he said sheepishly, "But I think we made a pretty good distraction, didn't we?" Hinata giggled.

Sakura smiled at the two. She had some pressing questions for them both (like, what the HELL just happened?!) but they could wait. It wasn't often that Hinata actually talked to a boy. Her gaze moved over to Sasuke. He'd gained some color in his cheeks and had a finger on his pulse, as if he was expecting his heartbeat to just suddenly disappear.

"I think this belongs to you," Sakura said, holding up the crucifix that he had given her. He stared at it with an unreadable expression before shaking his head.

"You keep it," he said. His voice was low and a little rough, a little less perfect than before, but she found she preferred it immensely. It was more human this way.

Sakura touched the cross lightly. "Okay," she said softly, "Thank you." He shrugged, as if he didn't care, but his eyes never left hers.

Ino stomped back inside the room. "Are you guys coming or what?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips, "Because I am not going out there alone. And I want some answers!" she pointed at Hinata and Naruto. "From all of you!"

Hinata sighed. "It's almost morning," she said, "So why don't you all come to my apartment and we can make breakfast? We can clear some things up as we eat." She looked around at everyone. "Does that sound all right?"

"I haven't eaten in two years," Sasuke said wryly, "So yes, that sounds fine." Sakura laughed.

"Do you have ramen?" Naruto asked hopefully, "Because I really, really like ramen." Sasuke smacked him on the back of the head.

"Ramen is not a breakfast food, idiot." Naruto pouted.

They started to make their was out the door before Ino paused, turning to Hinata.

"Hey before we go outside," she said, "While I was out there, I think I saw your cousin waving around a battle ax. What the hell is up with that?" Hinata just sighed, and pulled out her phone.

She was never going to hear the end of this one.