Chapter summary : This is why Motormaster does the paperwork himself. This is also what would happen if the Stunticons had a text-messaging system.

From : Motormaster

To : Drag Strip

I want a report on the mission you just completed. Megatron expects it within an hour's time.

From : Drag Strip

To : Motormaster

Hah. I can have it ready in ten minutes.

From : Motormaster

To : Drag Strip

Only because you've started keeping a journal of what little you manage to do. I don't know what use that is to the rest of us, unless the 'bots read it and die laughing. Fine, get the report to me in ten minutes.

Five minutes later…

From : Drag Strip

To : Motormaster

Location : Secondary oil collection site, edge of Ross Sea, Antarctica

Objective : Intercept Aerialbot offensive and ensure that oil drainage proceeds

I and my teammates traveled to the shores of the Ross Sea in Astrotrain, who informed us that he would be opening the hull while we were still about twenty thousand feet above ground level. He said that would give us a chance to observe the location before the Aerialbots arrived, though I know he was just saying that because the polar icecap wouldn't hold his weight.

So we were ejected like so much excess baggage. We all hit our thrusters and floated down to the shelf of very cold ice that jutted out into the very cold sea. Astrotrain elected not to freeze his afterburners off, and flew away.

The oil collection system the Constructicons built is much like an iceberg – most of it below the surface of the ice with only the drainage ducts above the surface for easy tapping. I'd have made it much more camouflaged. I'd also have someone permanently stationed there – the Combaticons, maybe – to defend it.

Yes, there's a reason we're at the secondary collection site, rather than at the no-longer-existing primary one.

Anyway, there we were. Extremely heavy, slow and unmaneuverable weights are a liability on the ice, so it was just the four of us. We had additives in our gas tanks to stop our fuel freezing, plus engine insulation and snow tires and what-have-you, but it was still incredibly cold. Not to mention dull. Breakdown said a few humans live there – he was watching out for them – but I said they should just blast the whole giant ice cube apart and build a proper floating station instead. Only goes to show how dumb they are.

Wildrider tried to catch a penguin, while Dead End sat on the beach and moaned about how we were all going to freeze to death. So I both spotted the approaching Aerialbots and suggested a plan of action – in other words, shoot them before they could shoot us. Breakdown thanked me and said he didn't know how the team could function without me.

It's nice to be appreciated.

The Aerialbots couldn't maintain a formation because of a strong wind blowing off the polar plateau. I made sure that we kept a huge ridge of ice at our backs, to shelter us from the wind, but even my tactics were foiled by the wind sweeping sheets of ice crystals before it, cutting visibility. I still loosed off shot after accurate shot, but the Aerialbots stayed out of range and tried to target the oil collection pipes that ran from the sea bed and just under the shore.

I decided to distract them. My distinctive paintjob made me an easy target, even through the glittering wind, but my speed would more than compensate for that. With my usual skill, I raced away from the collection pipes, twisting and weaving on the slippery surface of the ice.

One of the Aerialbots immediately peeled away to track me. This still left four of them for the others to deal with. And without my presence, I didn't think my teammates stood much of a chance – especially when a human patrol ship sailed up to the shore and its crew started firing on us as well.

A flash of inspiration struck me. "Quick, Wildrider!" I said over the radio as I continued to dodge and swerve on the ice shore. "You're the only one who'll be nearly unseen in the water. Swim out to the ship!"

He obeyed at once. I've noticed that Wildrider responds well to natural authority.

"If we can just distract the Aerialbots until it's dark…" Breakdown said hopefully.

"That wouldn't work." Making a daring hairpin turn, I raced back to my waiting teammates. "The seasons are unnaturally elongated here. It'll only be dark again in three months' time."

"I didn't realize that," Breakdown said. "Thanks, Drag Strip. You're always so prepared for whatever happens."

"If there's any way out of this, you can find it," Dead End agreed. "Now please help us defend the drainage ducts!"

That was the work of a moment for me. Working under my direction, Dead End simply fired at a nearby mountain of ice. Tons of it rumbled down over the collection ducts, creating the perfect cover for us. Meanwhile, Wildrider had clambered on board the patrol ship and was happily chucking the crew overboard. Those of the crew who didn't jump off the moment they saw him, anyway.

The engagement was all but over. Perhaps if the Aerialbots had combined, it might have been a little more of a challenge for me. As it was, though, it seems evident that my taking charge of the situation was a significant improvement to the way such missions are normally handled--

From : Dead End

To : Drag Strip

Would you mind keeping the noise down? I'm trying to recharge.

From : Drag Strip

To : Dead End

And I'm trying to find my left optic, so frag off.

From : Motormaster

To : Breakdown

I want a report on the mission you just completed. And it had better not be as shoddy as Drag Strip's, or you'll be next in line for the medical bay.

From : Breakdown

To : Motormaster

Will anyone else be looking at this report?

From : Motormaster

To : Breakdown

That's it, I'm on my way over.

From : Breakdown

To : Motormaster

Nonono, I'm working on it! I'm working on it! I'll have it to you in ten minutes.

Ten minutes later…

From : Breakdown

To : Motormaster

Location : Secondary oil collection site, edge of Ross Sea, Antarctica

Objective : Intercept Aerialbot offensive and ensure that oil drainage proceeds

…With the oil drainage ducts more or less safe under the fallen slobs of ice, and Wildrider taking care of the human whistle, Dead End and Drag Strip and I fired at the Aerialbots. We scored hits on two as they flew directly overhead, and they took nose-drives inland, behind the huge ridge of ice at our backs.

The ice ridge jutted up to a vertical revelation of at least five hundred feet, so the downed Aerialbots couldn't see us. Dead End monitored them with his radar and reported that they were keeping their distance from us – probably too insured to move. I heard their weapons firing, but the ice ridge's dementions were such that it would take them considerable time to blast through it.

The other two Aerialbots continued to chafe us from a distance until they noticed the human survivors of the rapidly floundering ship. Then they disengaged and flew to the rescue.

Wildrider swam back to us (reporting, "Wildrider 1, Tyrannic 0" as he did so), but as he scrambled on to the shore, it shuttered. I knew at once that something was wrong – Wildrider's weight alone couldn't have caused that.

There was a loud crack and the ice shelf lurched forward, making us real. Suddenly I realized what the two Aerialbots had done. They had severed the ice shelf from the rest of the condiment and we were adrift--

To : Dead End

I want a report on the mission you just completed. Don't whine or I'll make you swallow your own vocalizer. And if there's anything in the report about how we're all going to die or how pointless this war is, I'll make you swallow the datapad as well.

Because Megatron's going to need it in half an hour's time and he is NOT as patient with you morons as I am.

From : Dead End

To : Wildrider

This is a waste of time. And just what, precisely, am I expected to write? How the mission was a complete shambles and we ended up on an impromptu island, tapping the oil ourselves just to survive?

From : Wildrider

To : Dead End

I could take care of that for you.

From : Dead End

To : Wildrider

Excuse me, but I'd like to clarify that. Are you actually offering to prepare the report?

From : Wildrider

To : Dead End

Sure! I can do it. I'm not an idiot, you know.

From : Dead End

To : Wildrider

No, but you're… never mind. Very well. What do you want in return?

From : Wildrider

To : Dead End

What makes you think I want anything in return? Maybe I'm doing this out of the kindness of my core, to help out a teammate.

From : Dead End

To : Wildrider

And maybe you want me spread-eagled in your berth.

From : Wildrider

To : Dead End

Now that you come to mention it, I found a pair of strap-on wings. D'you think you could wear them and pretend to be a Seeker? You can take me prisoner--

From : Dead End

To : Wildrider

Please. Spare me the sordid details of your fantasies. I'll be there… just complete the paperwork and never, never mention this incident to anyone.

From : Motormaster

To : Dead End and Wildrider

The two of you are slagged to Cybertron and back! Do you think Megatron can't fragging read? Is that why this entire report is done in drawings? Soundwave's runts were falling over giggling about the "comic book" you handed in! And these are the stupidest sketches I've ever seen – there's a slagging smiley on Dead End's faceplate! When I get my hands on you--

From : Dead End

To : Wildrider

I'll forgive the indignity if you did a caricature of him as well.

From : Wildrider

To : Dead End

Yeah, that's in the sequel.

Have a wonderful holiday season, everyone! And a happy New Year.

Taipan Kiryu : I didn't know that actors were so sensitive when it came to watching the unedited footage, but that makes sense. Whenever someone takes a photograph of me, I have to see it and make sure I look OK in it, so it must be much worse when it comes to film that millions of people will potentially see.

The Constructicons are the closest thing to a family the 'cons have, IMO, but like any family, they're not going to agree at times. And Hook is far too used to getting his own way. I suppose someone who once carved up Optimus Prime like a Thanksgiving turkey isn't going to take any slag from his teammates.

Though now I'd really like to see a story where Scrapper and Hook clash. Scrapper doesn't seem like the easily irritated type, but he's still the leader of the team.

Glad you enjoyed "Bathtime" too. :) It's always fun to throw a Wildrider-shaped monkey wrench into Geri's proper and polite world.

Tugera : Thanks! I have to admit, when I watch the episodes on YouTube, I frequently pause to watch exactly how the transformation sequences occur. If there's a slow-motion feature, I would be working it to death.

demonicSuperCow : Thanks for the review! And it's good to have enough time to write again. :)

Peacewish : Smartest thing Stephanie did was to outsource the set design to a 'con. Make them believe that something is theirs, rather than a human's or a bot's, and they'll fight tooth and nail for it.

Like all 'cons, Wildrider is a master of the double standard. If a human helps him, that human is an intelligent, useful person. If a human helps a 'bot, that human is vermin. And yes, he's not going to be pleased if Geri's too busy spending time with a boyfriend to hang out with him. Damn, now that's giving me even more ideas…

dfastback68 : Haha, when Motormaster arrives, he won't be alone. He's powerful, but he's not going to risk taking on all those 'bots (and possibly all the 'cons except his own team) by himself.

I'm glad you liked the interlude! It was fun to write about the Constructicons - especially from Stephanie's point of view, since there's still so much she doesn't know or realize about the 'cons. It'll be interesting to see what she does when Motormaster shows up.

Kookaburra : As it is, Wildrider sees humans as an inferior form of life. Imagine what he'd think (if he thought) about what they really do in the bathroom. :)

tomorrow4eva : Thanks! :) The culture clashes are the best part of writing fics where TFs interact with humans, especially when the TF has their own strange take on reality.

Fire From Above : One reason Wildrider and Geri get along well is because (without realizing it, of course) they both think the same way about each other. "He/she is insane/blind but fortunately I'm here to look out for him/her". :)