Star Trek! The Musical

Summary: Consuming unidentified alien fruit is never advised. Especially when its aftereffects force the crew to express their thoughts only by singing Broadway show tunes.

A/N: So I really really like musicals. And I really really like Star Trek. Even someone who hates math as much as I do knows what that means…Broadway + Star Trek = CRACK!FIC!

When they look back on the situation, they generally agree that it wouldn't be a bad thing if those 72 hours were erased from Starfleet records. They also agree that it was mostly Kirk's fault. ("As usual," McCoy would add.)

Kirk disagreed. It wasn't his fault that the purple-skinned female residents of the planet Sondweberheim wanted to feed him what they said was a native delicacy. It also wasn't his fault that it looked exactly like an apple. And it certainly wasn't his fault for kindheartedly wanting to share with the rest of the away team. But looking back, everyone agrees that Kirk was the first and the most severely affected by the bizarre side effects that rocked the ship for the next three days.

Everyone was in good spirits after the brief diplomatic stop on Sondweberheim. The natives had been friendly and had agreed to join the Federation. The away team—Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Chekov—had returned to man their respective stations.

Jim Kirk was feeling particularly ecstatic. He usually was, but this time, his joy was greater than any he had felt before.

Strange, he thought to himself. Why am I so…happy? It's nice that we negotiated, but I'm feeling even happier than when I officially became captain.

He felt an inexplicable burst of elation bubbling within his chest. Glancing down at his tingling fingers, he was seized by an uncontrollable desire to burst out in song.

Blinking frantically, he clenched his teeth in an effort to stop a melody from escaping his lips. But the mysterious force overpowered him.

He jumped out of the command chair.

"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gay!" he warbled.

Several sets of bewildered eyes turned to stare at their captain.

"And I pity any man who isn't me today!" he continued, confusion and panic evident in his eyes.

"Contact Dr. McCoy immediately," Spock instructed Sulu. The helmsman, who looked both amused and slightly terrified, paged the sickbay, though his eyes were glued on the captain.

"I feel charming!" Kirk felt his feet move under him in a rapid motion that could only be described as a pathetic attempt at tap-dancing.

"Oh so charming! It's alarming how charming I feeeeeeeeel!!"

At that moment, McCoy hurried into the bridge and took one look at his friend. "You've got to be kidding me!" he shouted.

"Make it stop!" Kirk managed to shriek, before his body forced him into another stanza of the song.

"And so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real!"

He shuffled his way towards one of the reflective bridge doors.

McCoy ran after the captain, tricorder in hand. "Oh, god, Jim, what did you do?"

"I..don't…know!" Jim cried in a choked voice. "I can't stop!"

He turned to gaze at his reflection. "See that pretty boy in the mirror there! Who can that attractive boy be?"

"I can't detect what's wrong with you if you don't stop moving!"

Kirk's strained expression made it obvious that his tap-dancing was far beyond his control.

"What a pretty face! What a pretty smile! What a pretty meeeeeeee!!"

"Someone hold him down," McCoy growled. "I have to get a reading before Twinkletoes here bursts a vein."

"I feel stunning! And entrancing! Feel like running and dancing for joy! For I'm loved, by a pretty wonderful—"

Sulu and Spock restrained their captain as Bones reached for a hypospray.

"MCCOY!" Kirk panicked, his hatred of hypos overshadowing his desire to rid himself of the singing affliction.

The doctor plunged the sedative into Kirk's neck . "Hey, that even rhymed," he muttered.

He scanned the tricorder over the captain's limp body, grumbling to himself. "What did the fool do? Did he eat something? Come here, Sulu. What can you tell me about the—" he glanced at the readout "—cantador plant?"

"It's native to Sondweberheim," Sulu replied. "It bears a fruit that causes…oh no." The helmsman's brow furrowed. "I remember reading about this a long time ago. The fruit of the plant resembles an apple, but more notably—it causes whoever ate it to involuntarily dance and sing. And not just any song. Only Broadway show tunes."

McCoy blanched. "It looks like apples? Shit, I knew I shouldn't have eaten anything that Kirk offered to me!"

Chekov had a similarly horrified response. "I ate it too…I vill sing?!"

Spock merely raised an eyebrow. "Exactly how long will this fruit have hold over the consumer?" he questioned.

"Three days," Sulu responded. Then he frowned. "Wait—did you eat it?"

Spock sighed . "I am afraid that I, too, ingested a portion of this fruit."

McCoy's terrified expression lessened and he almost smiled.

"This whole thing just might be worth it," he said, "if I get to see the hobgoblin do a pirouette."

~TBC~

A/N: Tell me more! Tell me more! Did you get very far? (Evidently so, if you're reading this.) Hopefully that wasn't too terrifying to scare you away! I have way too much fun writing crack!fics… Anyways, a review (or even a well-constructed flame) would be appreciated!

I already have songs picked out for the rest of the team…but who will be next? Dun dun dun!