Count Tougula!

A Nanami fic by Riri-kins

Disclaimer: Utena belongs to Ms. Saito, Mr. Ikuhara, and the lovely Be-Papas. Hugs for them all! I'm just playing dolls with the characters for a while.

***

"Hey, have you heard the news?" a female student said excitedly.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Another dead student was found last night!" chattered another.

Nanami Kiryuu sniffed at the gossip as she and her faithful lackey Mitsuru Tsuwabuki strutted down the hallway. Actually, she strutted while poor Mitsuru drug her bags behind her like a pack mule. He panted and struggled to keep up. He had to suck up his pain for Miss Nanami's sake!

"Honestly! Why is everybody talking about some dead guy when they could be talking about me? I just purchased a fabulous pair of Prada heels, and people have already forgotten!" she huffed.

"Gee Miss Nanami," Mitsuru said innocently, "I thought you'd know about the vampires in school by now."

"Vampires? Give me a break! Where did you get such a stupid idea, Mitsuru?" she asked.

"Well, a lot of students have been dying for unexplained reasons, but all the signs indicate vampire attacks: white skin, fang marks on their necks, and completely bloodless bodies! I learned all about it from this book. See?" he explained.

He pulled out a large orange book with black lettering titled The Knucklehead's Guide to the Undead.

"Mitsuru," Nanami said disgustedly, "don't tell me you still believe in such childish ghost stories."

The boy blushed fire engine red. The last thing he wanted to be perceived as was childish. He quickly racked his brain for a good excuse.

"Uh…I-I actually bought it for you, Miss Nanami! Sorry, it was supposed to be a surprise," he babbled.

"Hmph! What would I do with a stupid monster book? Oh well, I guess it's the thought that counts, " she replied.

She was secretly delighted that he bought her something out of the blue, regardless of what it was, but she didn't dare admit it. Even though Nanami considered Mitsuru her friend by now she had a reputation to maintain. If anybody knew she cared about anyone besides her brother she would have buried herself alive.

She skimmed through the pages. It covered every creepy-crawler from ghosts to Bigfoot and had scary art like "The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters." What a load! The writers probably included those pictures in there just to scare people into believing.

"I have better things to do today, so if you really want to make yourself useful you can take notes for me in Geology while I paint my nails. Then fix some smoothies for my brother and me to share during his swim practice and set up lots of bear traps outside of the pool room so no floozies can get near him. No one's going to take my place by Big Brother's side! Now add that to the itinerary before the bell rings!" the blonde ordered.

"Yes Miss Nanami," he sighed.

***

The book might have been forgotten about for the rest of eternity if Nanami hadn't gotten so bored in class later. Normally she would have read a hidden fashion magazine, but she'd forgotten to tell anybody to pack any and the teacher was droning on and on about igneous rocks for what felt like a millennium. Most of the class was asleep, so she didn't need to worry about getting caught reading something so nerdy. She randomly skimmed to a chapter titled "Vampirism and Its Signs."

One: Vampires have an aversion to water. If the creature is soaked its skin will peel off layer by layer. This does not kill them, but it takes a long time to heal.

Two: They are cold-blooded, so it is actually better for them to hunt on a nice sunny day. Some were even rumored to knit clothing for more comfortable hibernation in the sixteen-hundreds.

Three: Vampires can transform into bats, toads, or snakes for hunting or escaping enemies.

A common myth is that these creatures can be destroyed with a wooden stake or garlic. The only truly fatal defense is music. When they hear it they will revert to their animal form and commit suicide out of madness. Although any musical medium will do a prerecorded tape is your best weapon.

Knitting? Shape shifting? Music of death? Yeah sure, and Utena Tenjou is the girliest person on campus. I'll believe this junk when I see it, she thought.

Little did she know how prophetic her skepticism would soon be.

* * *

Nanami came to Ohtori's indoor pool fifteen minutes early so she could drown in her brother's glory. He was her hero. How could he not be? Who else could boast of being a master swordsman, boxer, Student Council President, and the recipient of the Shiniest Hair on Campus Award? If only those parasites would quit stealing his attention!

"It is so nice to spend time with you, Big Brother. I missed you while you were gone," she cooed.

"Thank you Nanami, but I was only in the locker room for five minutes," he said.

"And I was out here crying! That's too long for me! You'll never leave again, will you?" she asked anxiously.

"Now, now, you know you can always count on my chivalry," he soothed.

He ruffled her hair and she giggled affectionately. Suddenly, he heard three loud snaps followed by girlish shrieking and rapid "pit-pats" outside. The President snapped his head in the direction of the ruckus.

"What in the world was that?" he asked.

"That's the sound of parasites learning their place," she muttered under her breath.

"What?"

"Er, I said I needed to wash my face! You know how stern my Health teacher is about hygiene. Oh-ho-ho-ho!"

"Well, that's good advice. Cleanliness is next to Godliness after all."

"Hey Touga," a teammate called from the diving platform, "get on your mark already! Aren't you going to do laps with us?"

"I'll sit this round out," he answered.

"You NEVER practice! If I didn't know any better I'd say you just joined the team to get more girls to notice you!" the boy said angrily.

"Don't be silly. I…have other reasons."

"Oh forget it, you jerk! We don't need you anyway!"

KER-SPLOOSH! The boy deliberately splashed him before diving in. Lightning bolts of rage coursed through Nanami's veins. However, before she could throw her shoe at the culprit she saw something that would have made a Four-Star General shake in their boots.

Her brother's arm was practically melting in front of her. A paler layer of skin slowly replaced the lovely tan he'd gotten over the summer where the water had landed. The warning signs in Mitsuru's book suddenly flooded her mind. No! Vampires weren't real, and even if they were the book said one would be in obvious pain if it were drenched.

"Ahh! Now you've done it! This will take the rest of class to fix," Touga snapped as he winced and clutched the spot.

"No," whispered his sister, "I won't believe it. I won't believe it! I…I WOOON'T!!"

With that she bolted outside and left behind a very confused redhead.

***

"You'd better have a good reason for dragging me to my Home Economics classroom this late. Something big is on my mind and I don't need any distractions," the blue-eyed girl warned Mitsuru.

"Oh, I do. Your teacher said that anyone who sews a pair of pajama pants gets extra credit, so I decided to make some for you," he said.

That was only partly true. The real reason he wanted to make some pants for her was so he could leave a pin in the finished product's seat. That way when she tried it on she would be tortured by mysterious pricks until he could "discover" it. If that didn't earn him a place of honor in her heart then nothing would.

"Hey," said Mitsuru, "what are your brother and his friend doing in there? They don't take Ho-MMPH!"

Nanami clapped a hand over his mouth and shushed him loudly before they could be seen. What indeed? This wasn't like Touga.

"Does your sister know what's in style now, Miki?" he asked.

"I'm afraid we don't talk much so I don't know. By the way, do you really want to make one of those in the middle of spring?" asked Miki.

"Well I'm only a beginner, so it probably won't be finished until winter anyhow," he said.

"Perhaps you could ask Miss Himemiya. I bet she's a great knitter," sighed the bluenette.

"Yes, I've heard she's quite a magician with her hands. Don't you agree?" the redhead remarked.

Rivers of sweat dribbled off Miki's palms and he blushed so violently that his face almost caught on fire. Touga chuckled. That boy was just too much fun to tease.

"Well, what is he doing? Get a closer look!" hissed Nanami.

"It looks like he's knitting a sweater," the boy whispered.

She stifled a squeal.

"I know," said Mitsuru, " I'd scream if anybody gave me a hot pink sweater with little red roses and monkeys too. Uh…Miss Nanami, why are you breathing in and out of that paper bag? Miss Nanami?"

THUNK! His mistress fainted.

"Ahh! Miss Nanami!" he cried.

* * *

The young heiress was more nervous than a three-legged cat in a dog pound by nightfall. She couldn't believe it. She absolutely refused to! How could her beloved brother be a hideous bloodsucker? This was all Mitsuru's fault. He'd get extra laundry duty for scaring her so badly.

"Stupid kid…putting ideas into my head. I need a good night's sleep," she mumbled drowsily.

She burrowed under the covers and drifted in and out of consciousness. However, just before she fell asleep a tall and manly shadow covered the wall. She bolted up like a child who had seen an ice cream truck. Touga was here!

"Big Brother, what are you doing in my room? You almost never visit me these days!" she said happily.

"I came to wish you good night, dear. We're still family, aren't we?" he answered.

"Oh, I knew I was the most important person in your life! May…May I have a good night kiss?" she asked bashfully.

"Of course. After all…I never refuse a last request," he said ominously.

All of a sudden he inhaled deeply, as if gathering power from the night itself, and an icy gust blew the furniture around him. His nails became razor-sharp talons and his eyes glowed a demonic green. Finally, he hissed and revealed two glistening fangs. She screamed and clung to her curtains for dear life. What was going on?!

"What's wrong? Don't you want a peck on the cheek? Heh, heh, heh!" he cackled.

She squealed again and hot tears streamed down her cheeks. Her mind said flee, but her feet were rooted to the floor. The Red Rose cornered her and roughly turned her head to the left, grinning monstrously.

"Now…let me show you the true meaning of blood ties, Little Sister!" he hissed.

He lunged for her neck. Nanami screamed.

* * *

The middle school girl gasped and sat up. It had only been a nightmare. The furniture was on the ground and she was alone. She quickly set up several mousetraps from her old "Anthy Torture Kit 2000" for safety and then dialed Keiko's cell phone number. She couldn't take this anymore. She had to know the truth or her hair would turn gray before her fourteenth birthday.

It's time for "Operation Fangs For Nothing," Nanami decided.

Ring, ring, ring!

"Hello?" Keiko sleepily answered.

"Keiko, I need you and the others to fetch me as many frogs as possible right now!" she ordered.

"But Miss Nanami…it's three-thirty in the morning. Couldn't we wait just this once?" she murmured.

"Can Kyoichi Saionji go ten minutes without slapping someone? Get me some frogs or you can kiss my big summer bash GOODBYE!"

"Eek! I-I'm very sorry, Miss Nanami. I'll call Aiko and Yuuko right now."

* * *

By sunrise her clique had collapsed outside with baggy eyes and heavy hearts. If they had to touch one more frog then they would croak. They'd never have a chance with Touga now.

"Does anybody need another cup of coffee?" sighed Keiko.

"Only if I can splash it in Nanami's face," muttered Aiko.

"Yeah. Sometimes I don't know why we put up with her," said Yuuko.

Their leader stomped up and growled, "What was that?"

"I s-s-said I want to buy underwear made out of fox fur! Um… I-I-It's all the rage in Paris," stammered Yuuko.

"NO! Nobody is allowed to have a more fashionable wardrobe than ME!! Just give me the special lunchbox and get out of here, you worthless insects!" she shouted.

* * *

"Operation Fangs For Nothing" went into effect during lunchtime in the courtyard. It was very simple. Frogs were part of many snakes' diets, so if Touga unconsciously ate them she would know he was inhuman. Guilt stabbed Nanami's heart when she saw the slimy amphibians hidden beneath the cabbage in his lunchbox. Perhaps she needed to change her motto from the ends justify the means to the ends justify the means for everyone but my brother and me. She consoled herself by knowing she could blame her flunkies if anything went wrong.

She skipped up to him and sang, "Big Bro-o-o-ther! I made you some foo-ood!"

"Ah, Nanami. How sweet of you," he said.

She gulped as he brought his chopsticks down. This was it.

Forgive me, Big Brother. I didn't want to do this. If I'm wrong I promise I'll make those girls clean your room three times a day with their toothbrushes, she thought woefully.

WHACK! Suddenly a softball struck the bento box out of his hands and hundreds of tiny frogs scattered everywhere…including his sister's hair. She flushed furiously and steam whistled out of her ears like a teakettle. Before her stunned sibling could ask any questions Utena and Anthy ran up.

"Sorry about that, Nanami! I guess I hit it a little harder than I thought," Utena said.

"You…you…YOU!!" the Yellow Rose sputtered.

"Why hello, Miss Tenjou," Touga greeted flirtatiously, " I see you look like a winner on and off the field. How would you like to have a victory dinner with me tonight?"

"If that's my prize I think I'll be a benchwarmer for the rest of the season," Utena scoffed.

"Excuse me everyone, but have you seen Thaddeus? I thought he would be here by now," Anthy asked.

"Huh? Uh-oh, don't tell me you didn't bring him with you," said her friend nervously.

"No I didn't. He's smarter than most people think, so I just invited him to watch your game. Oh dear, what shall I do? There's no telling what could have happened to him. It's as if some monster whisked him away," Anthy fretted.

Nanami's anger was briefly defused. Did she say some monster? There must have been another victim!

"Don't worry, he couldn't have gone far. I'll skip practice so we can search for him," Utena reassured her.

Touga started to speak.

"And you're not invited, Mister Playboy," the tomboy added.

He sulked as the girls left. Ah, c'est la vie. She couldn't resist him much longer.

"B-Big Brother," Nanami whined.

"I'm sorry I didn't get to taste your lunch. Maybe you can whip up another batch later," he suggested.

"Wh-Where are you going?!" she cried.

"I'm going to get something else to eat, of course," Touga said.

"I'll go with you."

"No. This is a private picnic."

"But-"

"Nanami! There are certain things you are too young to get involved in, and this is one of them. Trust me. You wouldn't…want to stumble upon a world that you couldn't leave, would you?"

His eyes drilled into her and she shivered. Was he threatening her? Did he know she suspected something?

"N-No, of course not! Ah-heh-heh-heh!" she giggled nervously.

"Good," he replied.

Despite his stern words curiosity gnawed her gut. He was undoubtedly hiding something and she didn't want to possibly give him the opportunity to kill again. Not that she cared about her fellow students, mind you. She just didn't want her brother to be the victim of a witch-hunt. With a deep breath and renewed courage she secretly followed him into the unknown.

* * *

Five minutes and one de-frogging later Touga's sister watched him meet Saionji under a large oak on a hill from behind the corner of the South Middle School dorm. Her heart leapt into her throat when she saw him pin the Vice President against the trunk like a wounded animal. Was she going to witness a murder right here and now?

In the blink of an eye he orally impaled his friend and began sucking him into a lifeless husk! Poor Saionji was clearly moaning in agony and grinding against his attacker! Nanami covered her eyes and shook so badly she almost sent out aftershock waves. When she looked again Saionji was gone…and a large black cobra was slithering down the hill.

"AIEEE! The third sign!" she screamed, dashing away.

* * *

"WAAAHH!! WHY GOD, WHY?! WHAT DID HE EVER DO TO YOU?!" Nanami bawled.

"Miss Kiryuu, that is not the name of Magellan's settlement. Pay attention!" cried her History teacher.

The other pupils snickered at the hysterical girl. She'd been crying so much that Mitsuru had to bring along three wagons of tissues to keep up. When she had used all of them she'd blown her nose on his shirt, and after that had been soaked he'd had to steal Touga's bed sheets for her. In retrospect that wasn't the best idea because they already had lots of big white stains.

He must like to eat a lot of tuna and mayonnaise sandwiches in bed, he thought.

"Attention please. Will all Student Council members please gather for an emergency meeting?" boomed the intercom.

The heiress sniffled and pulled herself together. Oh great. Here she had been thinking her nerves couldn't get any more frazzled today.

* * *

How surprised she was when she saw Saionji among them in the elevator! From the looks of things he'd barely escaped alive. He was white as notebook paper and there were dark circles under his eyes. She wondered how he remained so calm when he was so close to the man who tried to kill him. Would he try to unmask him and get revenge on the roof?

"If it cannot break out of its shell, a chick will die without being born. We are the chick. The world is our egg. If we don't crack the world's shell we will die without ever truly being born. Smash the world's shell!" boomed the President.

"For the revolution of the world!" chorused the others.

"It has come to my attention that the latest victim of these mysterious attacks on campus was our very own vice president. It was quite a scare, but I believe we have nothing to fear since he was rejuvenated after some bed rest," declared the redhead.

Miki clicked his stopwatch and interjected, "Hold on. Are you really going to let this drop?"

"Yes," he replied.

"I never thought I'd say this, and by that I mean I really never thought I'd say this, but I agree," said Saionji.

"We can't do that. I have a theory about the attacker's identity, but I need Saionji to confirm my suspicions. What exactly happened to you?" asked Juri.

"Who cares?! He's alive, right?!" shrieked Nanami.

"Let him answer her question," Touga scolded.

"But-"

"You heard me."

She slumped down in utter defeat.

The Green Rose glared at everyone and mumbled, "I…don't remember."

"You don't remember?" Juri echoed incredulously.

"That's right, I don't remember! I probably overexerted myself while training to win back Anthy," he snapped.

The girls rolled their eyes as he gazed longingly at a picture of the Rose Bride in his new exchange diary. Didn't this guy ever give up?

"Anthy my love, I SWEAR I'll beat that foul tomboy and find something eternal with you! You are MINE and MINE ALONE!" he barked.

"Humph! They should perform a reverse lobotomy on you while you're here, Kyoichi. Do you ever shut up about that girl? I'm glad I'm not insanely obsessed with someone!" the Yellow Rose snorted.

"Back on topic, I believe our killer isn't human because otherwise some people might have seen it," said Juri.

"Really?" Touga asked coolly.

She glared at him and answered, "Really. I've given this animal a chance to turn itself in, but if it insists on being stubborn I'll have no choice but to trap it during Miki's concerto tomorrow night."

"FAT CHANCE! It will never show up there, so you can't hurt it!" shouted Nanami.

"She's right. It will not ever show up there," he echoed.

"I know it will because a girl it wants will be there," replied Juri fearlessly.

Utena Tenjou, Nanami thought.

"Do as you please, but don't be surprised if this animal gets you first," warned Touga.

"Wh-What?! Big Brother, it wouldn't really do something so violent…right? Right? Maybe we should just live and let live!" his sister pressed.

"Yes it would… and if you know what's good for you you should avoid it at all costs," he replied icily.

She trembled all over. She was certain he knew that she knew his secret now!

"Well, if it keeps us safe then I'll gladly go along with your plan, Miss Juri," said Miki.

* * *

On the night of the concerto in the auditorium Nanami tried to foil her comrades' plans in every possible way.

"All right girls," she addressed them, "Miki didn't believe it when I told him the concert was in Nairobi or that there was an outbreak of scurvy in the school, so if we want to stop him we've got to go in for the kill. Did you glue the piano?"

"Um…did you say 'piano,' Miss Nanami?" asked Yuuko nervously.

"Of course, you idiot. If Miki's piano is glued shut he can't play. Why?" she replied.

"Uh," said Yuuko, "it's just that…that…"

"We thought you said 'people,'" Keiko finished nervously.

At that moment several audience members yelped and wriggled in their seats.

"What the hell is this?!" cried Saionji.

"Hey, I'm stuck in my seat!" cried Utena.

"I don't dare miss a minute of Miki's performance either," chirped Anthy.

"No Anthy, that's not what I meant," sighed her friend.

"You morons! How could you put glue on everyone's chairs? Can't you do anything right?!" she shouted.

"We're very sorry!" said Keiko.

"Oh, I'll make you sorry all ri- Wait… where's my brother?" asked their leader.

At that moment the lights dimmed, the curtain lifted, and Miki began to play a hypnotic waltz. No one else but a silently hysterical Nanami saw Juri slide a poison baited snake trap on the side of the stage and wait. She almost went into cardiac arrest. She had to find Touga before…

"Eeek! What is that horrible creature doing here?" screamed a freshman girl in the front row.

Sure enough a cobra had slithered toward the trap while swaying hypnotically to the music.

"Nnnnoooo!" the blonde screamed.

With a newfound surge of adrenaline she dashed up to the stage like a lightning bolt and shoved the trap away so hard it rammed into Juri. The audience gasped. Miki stumbled over a note and nearly tangled his fingers in a Gordian knot. Saionji was so surprised that he accidentally gave himself a paper cut on the program.

"Ouch! Nanami, what's the matter with you?" demanded Juri.

"Please don't kill him, Juri! He might be a vampire, but he's still my brother! It's not his fault he's so bloodthirsty. If you want to kill him you'll have to kill me too!" she sobbed.

"What? Vampire?" she questioned.

"What are you talking about, Miss Nanami?" asked Miki.

"Miss Utena, there's Thaddeus! " cried Anthy.

Utena summoned the strength to free herself and Anthy and the Rose Bride gently picked the snake up while Nanami gawped at her like a fish.

"Huh? But…But," she stammered.

"What's going on here? I arrived fashionably late only to discover chaos in the music hall," said Touga.

"Ehhhh?! Big Brother?! You mean you're not a snake?" the middle-schooler exclaimed.

"What?" he asked.

She quickly explained her side of the story.

"You actually thought I was sucking students dry? Ha, ha, ha! Oh Nanami, don't be silly!" Touga laughed.

"But…I saw your skin peel during swim practice," she said.

"That was self-tanner, dear. It washes off very easily. Don't tell anyone I use it, all right?" he said.

"Okay, but what about your new knitting hobby?"

"Ladies love domestic men, so I decided to learn."

"Then why were you biting Kyoichi's neck and how come he doesn't remember it?"

Juri stared at Touga and Saionji through half-closed lids. Miki and Utena blinked cluelessly while Anthy smiled with eerie comprehension.

"Why indeed?" the Orange Rose asked sarcastically.

"He'd been stung by a scorpion, and I had to extract the venom before it spread through his veins. He was exhausted because we were…studying them…all night long for his Science project. We didn't tell you the truth because he feared people would tease him for his fascination with scorpions. Isn't that right, old friend?" Touga said suavely.

Saionji reluctantly added, "Yes. Yes, you all know the truth now. I love scorpions, so never mention it again."

"You're especially fascinated with their long tails, aren't you? Why, we found specimens everywhere last night: outside, in the kendo hall, and even in the shower," he remarked.

"SHUT UP! Are you looking for a fight? I'll duel you here and now if I have to!" he barked, blushing furiously.

"I thought scorpions preferred much drier environments than showers," murmured Miki.

"Maybe they came through the drain by mistake," suggested Utena.

"Our true culprit is the Rose Bride's pet cobra. I put two and two together when I found out he'd gotten loose a few nights ago," explained Juri.

"Then," Nanami murmured, "all those other victims died of-"

"Snake bites. That's right," she finished.

"Oh Thaddeus, you're such a naughty little boy. We need to de-fang you," Anthy mock-chided her pet.

"I have to admit I didn't think there would be anything here, but I figured it would distract you from our embarrassing little secret," confessed Touga.

"So…you aren't a vampire?" asked his sister.

"Of course not. Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the interruption. As Student Council President I assure you those stuck to their seats will be freed and given first class tickets to Miki Kaoru's next show. Moreover, the girls in the audience are invited to meet me backstage tonight," he announced.

He randomly tossed a rose to an ecstatic girl in the third row and winked. Nanami stewed and glared at her. Why did they have to be all over him?

"You'd better get some dissolvent fast, Nanami," her brother said.

"Huh? Oh please don't make me miss the show! Can't I get someone else to free everybody?" she begged.

"Can Saionji go ten minutes without slapping someone?" he answered.

Nanami groaned and smacked her forehead.

* * *

Later that evening Anthy and Utena flopped down on their beds in the Chairman's residence and chatted.

"I'm really glad we found Thaddeus. I'm afraid I wouldn't know what it feels like to lose an animal I loved so much," said Utena.

Chu-Chu slurped cupcake icing off of his face and squeaked hurtfully at her.

"I meant a pet, Chu-Chu," Utena giggled, "We're friends now, remember?"

"Chu!" he squeaked happily, scampering up and nuzzling her cheek.

"I am glad too, Miss Utena, and I appreciate all of the help you offered me," Anthy replied.

"You're welcome. There's still one thing I don't understand, though. How come all of Thaddeus's victims were completely bloodless? Snakes don't drink blood, do they?" said the she-prince.

"Perhaps he left larger fang marks than most cobras."

"I guess anything's possible. Can you believe Nanami thought Touga was a vampire? She really needs to stop jumping to conclusions."

"Yes she does. There are many abnormal things at this school, but vampires are not one of them."

"Thank goodness for that. Good night, Anthy."

"Good night. Sleep tight."

Utena yawned and closed her eyes. The moonlight illuminated the Rose Bride's face. She smiled and her canines grew into long…sharp…fangs.

"Don't let the bedbugs bite. Tee-hee-hee," she giggled sinisterly.