I am a writing machine lately! Anyway, I always wanted to write a ShikaSaku – though I imagined it would be marginally more serious than this. But alas. Well, crack-fics are my… crack. Yeah. This fic makes no sense, of course. But then, it isn't supposed to. So we're cool.

Blanket disclaimer: I own nothing someone else does. I barely own the idea. Nor do I own the movie I quote from below, Miss Congeniality. (Which is the best movie ever. Ever.)

This chapter's for ohwhatsherface, who inspired the fic.

Blisters on Her Feet

"I would so love to hurt you right now."
"As long as you smile."
—Gracie Hart, Victor Melling, Miss Congeniality

"Troublesome. I refuse."

"What makes you think you have a choice?" Tsunade asked, raising an eyebrow. She leaned across her desk, elbows on the table. "Look, Shikamaru. You napped while we were rebuilding the village. You watch clouds when you're supposed to be guarding the gates – despite everything that has happened lately. You haven't handed in a proper mission report in months—"

"Too troublesome," Shikamaru repeated.

"So you've said." Tsunade sighed, dropping her head into her hands. She looked tired; Shikamaru had that effect on people. "Listen, Shikamaru. You are a constant thorn in my side."

"Charming," Shikamaru muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing…"

"Didn't think so." Tsunade smiled tightly. "As I was saying, you pain in my ass, I only keep you around because you have a brain."

"I appreciate it, Tsunade-sama."

"Yeah, I'm not convinced." But she was smiling. "The point is, you got on my bad side and I'm getting back at you."

Shikamaru stared at her. No wonder his village was crazy.

-x-

"Ew, no way."

"Sakura. I'm sorry, but you don't have a choice here." Tsunade folded her hands on her – for once spotless – desk. She arranged her features to look appropriately sympathetic. Sakura didn't appear convinced.

"But I'm really too busy," Sakura protested. "I mean, my apartment isn't finished being rebuilt yet, and I'm living with Naruto, and it is so gross. Plus, I've been so busy at the hospital, and, you know, I was looking for some mission reports, so I could update my patients' files, and a bunch are missing. Do you know where—"

Tsunade held up a hand. "I get it. You're busy. But you know what, Sakura?" She didn't let her answer. "I'm busy, too."

"…"

"I am Hokage, Sakura. I have to run a village, hand out missions, maintain peaceful relations with those other stuck-up prisses, and I have to teach you."

"Well, sorry," Sakura muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, shishou…"

"I thought so." Tsunade fiddled with the ends of her hair, regarding her prized pupil. "The point is, Sakura, despite all my commitments, I make time for the things that matter." She reached down, disappearing behind her desk for a moment. "Thins like this," she said, and when she popped back up, she was holding a bottle of sake and wearing a goofy smile.

Sakura stared.

"If I can make time for drinking, you can make time for prancing and floating and…" Tsunade waved a hand. "That stuff. You know."

Sakura tried again. "But I don't want to—"

"Of course you do," Tsunade cut in, uncapping her bottle and taking a long swig. As if there wasn't an ANBU captain sitting outside, waiting to see her. "You're competitive. You like tiaras. Beauty pageants are right up your alley."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Try again."

Tsunade shrugged. "I already signed you up. You don't have a choice."

"Shishou!"

She grinned. "It pays to be Hokage. Now go away; your coach will come by Naruto's apartment soon."

Sakura turned on her heel and stomped out, fuming. She slammed the door behind her, and Tsunade tsked.

Sakura's team had their work cut out for them.

-x-

Sakura did not go back home to wait for her so-called coach. She couldn't defy the Hokage, but she could annoy her mentor.

Heh.

She returned to the hospital. She had finished her rounds before going to see Tsunade, so now she headed to the ICU. She was most useful there. Unfortunately, Shizune was waiting for her, and as soon as she saw her, she beckoned Sakura over.

"Tsunade-sama wants you to go home," she said with a weary smile. Clearly, she felt the same way as Sakura did about their Hokage's latest plan.

Sakura bristled. "The hospital needs me," she said.

Shizune held out a hand. "That's why I'm here. I'll cover for you." When Sakura didn't move, she added in a low voice, "I'll call you if you're needed, okay? Tsunade-sama said not to, but I will. I promise."

Sakura hesitated, then nodded. "I'm only doing this because she's my boss," Sakura grumbled.

"Of course," Shizune said soothingly, hiding a smile as Sakura stalked off.

Tsunade was a genius.

-x-

The Hokage was nuts if she thought this would work, Kakashi thought as he knocked on the door to Naruto's apartment. But he was the only one who seemed to think so, judging by the way Ino was grinning, or the way Sai kept flipping through a notepad, nodding to himself.

The door opened, and Kakashi straightened – but it was only Naruto, blinking blearily.

"What?" he asked around a yawn. Kakashi raised an eyebrow. It was nearly noon; had he just woken up? Naruto met his gaze, interpreting it correctly and saying, defensively, "Sakura-chan hogs my bed all night. I can only sleep when she leaves for work."

"What a waste," Kakashi said with a sigh.

Naruto reddened. "Why are you here?" he asked, ignoring him.

"We're looking for Sakura," Ino said excitedly. "We're her style team!"

"Style team?" Naruto echoed, frowning. "What's that?"

Ino bounced up and down on the balls of her feet, beaming. "We're going to make Forehead-girl beautiful."

"Sakura-chan's already beautiful," Naruto said automatically. "And she's at work. Come by in the evening."

"That's okay, Naruto," Sakura said. Everyone turned to see Sakura, coming up the sidewalk. She didn't look happy.

"Sakura!" Ino sang, skipping away from the door to meet her.

"Ino," Sakura said flatly. "Don't tell me – you're my coach?"

"Close," Kakashi said. "She's your stylist. I'm your coach."

Sakura stared. So did Naruto.

"Why don't we start from the beginning?" Kakashi said, stifling a weary sigh. "Naruto, let us in."

Naruto stepped aside wordlessly, and Kakashi and Sai traipsed through the door. Ino was quick to follow, leading Sakura – who exchanged a disturbed look with Naruto – by the hand.

Naruto shut the door.

"Ew," Ino said, picking up a pair of pants draped on a chair by the tips of her fingers, nose scrunched in distaste. She tossed it unceremoniously to the floor, ignoring Naruto's protests. "This place smells funny."

"It smells like man," Naruto corrected, leaning against the back of the couch Sakura sat on, beside Sai, who blinked up at him.

"Man smells like sweat and ramen? I see."

"Ew," Ino said again.

Kakashi cleared his throat, and all eyes turned to him. "If you don't mind," he said, "We are here for a reason."

"Right," Naruto said. "What's up?"

"We're not here for you," Ino said. "Always have to be the center of attention, don't you?"

"Like you can talk!"

"I can, actually," Ino said, "Because I'm stepping down so that Sakura has a chance at the limelight for once—"

"That really isn't necessary," Sakura cut in. she was ignored.

"Ugly's going to be in a beauty pageant," Sai said. All eyes turned to him. Sakura reached over and socked him in the arm. "Ow."

"I would've put it better," Ino said, "But yes, that's basically it. Tsunade-sama is holding a Miss Konoha contest to, I don't know, boost morale. Or something. Whatever. Point is, Sakura's going to be up on stage in a swimsuit, and we have work to do—"

Naruto had been listening to this all quietly, if bemusedly. At the word 'swimsuit', however, he straightened abruptly, glowering at Ino.

"Sakura-chan is not going on stage in a swimsuit."

Ino scoffed. "Like you don't want to see it."

Naruto tried very hard to keep his scowl in place. Sakura glared up at him and he gave up, shrugging sheepishly.

"Okay. Maybe a little. But not on stage. The answer is no."

"It wasn't a question, Naruto." Kakashi had his book out and looked rather bored – like he would rather be anywhere else in the world at that moment. "It's an order straight from the Hokage. Sakura's a contestant. I'm her coach. Ino's her stylist. Sai's doing her wardrobe."

Sakura glanced at Sai. "If you put me in anything whore-ish, I'll shove your head through a brick wall."

"I won't," Sai said serenely. "No one wants to see that, anyway."

Sometimes, Sakura was sure Sai knew exactly what he was saying, and just pretended he didn't so she wouldn't hit him. She hit him anyway.

"That's no way for Miss Team Seven to behave," Kakashi said.

"'Miss Team Seven'?" Sakura echoed, appalled.

Kakashi shrugged. "I couldn't think of anything better."

"I liked 'The Crusher,'" Ino said.

"This is ridiculous," Sakura said. She was still appalled. 'Miss Team Seven'! It was terrible!

"When's the contest?" Naruto demanded.

"Starts in a week," Ino said. "It lasts three days."

"Who else is competing?" Sakura asked wearily.

"Hyuuga Hinata and her sister," Kakashi said, "Tenten, Shiho… Anko… uh, some girl I don't know, some other girl… Karin… and Temari."

"She's not even from Konoha," Naruto said.

"And there's also an age limit, yet Anko entered," Ino said. "But Sakura, get this – Ami's entering!"

"Ami?"

"Watanabe," she said impatiently. "Remember her? Bully with the bad hair?"

"Oh." Sakura made a face. "I hated her."

"Right! Which is why you need to beat her," Ino said.

Sakura shook her head. "I'm not the one who needs convincing," she said, and turned to Naruto. He was scowling.

"I'm telling Sasuke," he proclaimed, and jumped out the window.

"Why do all our friends refuse to use doors?" Ino asked.

-x-

"No way," Chouji laughed. "No way."

"Would you stop saying that?" Shikamaru grumbled. "It was bad enough the first time." He poked at his untouched plate of chicken, then sighed, passing it to Chouji. He couldn't eat.

"Sorry," Chouji said, digging into the fresh plate with no small amount of glee. "But it's ridiculous. I mean, you, of all people, a judge for a beauty pageant."

Shikamaru groaned. "Funny, I thought telling you would help."

"Can't be sympathetic, sorry," Chouji said. "It's just too funny. Pass me a napkin."

Shikamaru sighed, taking a napkin from the dispenser and handing it over. "I need new friends," he said, and slid out of the booth.

Unaware of the eyes watching him, Shikamaru wondered, idly, whether Sai was in the market for a best bud.

Yeah, this chapter is super short, but I promise they won't stay this long. It just didn't feel right to go on. Next chapter: Sasuke finds out about the pageant, Sakura's training starts, and a contestant turns to criminal activity! :O