Chapter 1
I Caught Myself
A/N: This chapter starts off in Chapter 9 of New Moon (Third Wheel) and then combines with Chapter 16 (Paris). Some canon quotes are used. No copyright infringement is intended by the use of this text and I do not claim it as my own, it merely provides a familiar starting point in order to set the scene. Thereafter the storyline diverges.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters or settings portrayed therein. They are the creation and property of Stephenie Meyer, who is infinitely more awesome than me. I just like to play with them every once in a while.
Do yourself a favor and listen to the soundtrack:
I Caught Myself – Paramore
It Ends Tonight – All American Rejects
Kissing You – Des'ree
Thank you to my soul sisters who inspire me more than they will ever know.
Major thank you to Hopeful Wager, my beta of awesomeness. I wouldn't choose anyone above her to hold my hand through this journey.
Jacob pulled the Rabbit into my front drive and cut the engine. He let out a sigh that pretty much summed up the night. Why I had ever thought of going to the movies with both Jacob and Mike was beyond me. Oh wait, it wasn't supposed to be just Jake and Mike. I couldn't believe everyone else bailed on me. What a nightmare. I had a hard enough time fighting them both off in isolation. Together, they were a force of nature, their jealousy and competitive instincts fueling them to annoying heights.
I was really relieved that Mike had gotten sick. I knew I was a horrible human being for thinking that, but I couldn't help myself. Now he was safely home where he couldn't make any more delusional moves on me. And I was safe with Jake. In his car. In front of my house.
Alone.
Jake sighed and I couldn't help but echo it. He looked like he was thinking about pushing some more boundaries and I wasn't surprised when he leaned over and slung his arm around my shoulders.
"Jake," I protested, leaning away. He didn't move an inch and appeared undeterred by the minor rejection. He reached his other hand out to grip mine firmly in his and didn't release it even when I started to pull away.
Confidence didn't seem to be an issue for Jake.
"Now, hold on just a minute, Bella," he said in a calm voice. "Tell me something."
I grimaced. Why did he have to force the issue? At this moment in time, I couldn't think of a single thing in my life that was more essential to me than Jacob Black. But he persisted in trying to change our relationship.
"What?" I muttered sourly.
"You like me, right?"
"You know I do."
"Better than that joker puking his guts out earlier?" he gestured behind him.
"Yes," I sighed.
"Better than any of the other guys you know?" It was more of a statement than a question, like he already knew the answer.
"Better than the girls, too," I pointed out.
"But that's all," he said – again, not a question.
I swallowed. I was unsure of what to say.
The big "what if" was bouncing around in my mind. What were my options?
Imagining my life without Jacob certainly wasn't an option; the idea made me sick to my stomach. Somehow, he'd become so crucial to my very existence that I doubted I'd survive a day without him. Was Mike right? Was I being cruel, trying to keep things the way they were?
I thought back to all the times that I had wished Jacob was my brother. It was clear now that all I really wanted was a claim on him. It didn't feel at all brotherly when he held me like this. It just felt cozy and comforting and familiar. Safe. Jacob was my safe haven.
I could stake a claim. I had that much in my power.
I was very aware of the fact that this would have to be a commitment. I would have to commit all the tattered, wrecked pieces. It was the fair thing to do. Would I? Could I? I knew I'd have to tell him everything. I'd have to tell him that I wasn't settling, but that he was still too good for me. He already knew I was broken- that much wouldn't be a surprise- but he'd need to know the extent. He'd need to know how he would be spending every day trying to fix me, and that it may not work. He'd need to know all this before he made a decision.
But, even as I recognized that necessity, I knew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn't hesitate for one moment.
Would it be so wrong to try to make Jake happy? Even though the love I had for him paled miserably in comparison to what he clearly felt for me, would it be so very wrong?
"Bella?" Jake pulled me from my conflicted mind, reminding me of the question he had posed before my inexcusably long pause. He tightened his grip around me, pulling me closer to his chest. It felt wonderful, almost like being a whole person again.
"Jake, I…" I began, but he stopped me before I could continue.
"Sorry, I know you don't feel exactly the way I do. I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. I don't want things to change between us if you don't."
My breathing sped up and I felt heat flood to my face. Wouldn't Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as possible under the circumstances? I thought he would. He wouldn't begrudge me this, giving just a small bit of the love he didn't want to my friend, Jacob.
Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair. If I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder… I knew exactly what would happen. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.
But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?
My face flushed again, even hotter this time, combined with the heat radiating from Jake's massive form beside me. Butterflies invaded my stomach. I knew if I was going to make it happen, it would have to happen in this moment.
My head swirled with the heady realization that I may actually want this. Being with Jake, who loved me unconditionally, completely and without limits – was that really such an unthinkable thought?
I turned my face towards him, inhaling his earthy musk. The skin of his shoulder was soft and warm against mine. He felt nothing like Edward. And that was exactly what I needed. Edward had removed every remnant of his presence from my life, all except what was left of him in my thoughts and memories. It was my turn now. I needed to finish what Edward had started.
I grazed my lips against his shoulder determinedly. I brought my hand to the collar of his shirt, curling my fingers around the edge. I felt his chest rising unevenly beneath my hand, his warm breath tickling my quivering fingers.
Slowly, I raised my eyes to meet his. He was clearly unsure of what was happening. I turned my whole face towards him, my lips slightly parted in anticipation. My head swirled once more, his inviting brown eyes burning into me.
I knew then that I was ready. Ready to be whole again. Ready to be whole with Jacob. Realization burned in my chest, warming my deadened heart.
I tugged lightly at his shirt, pulling him down to me. I closed my eyes the moment before his lips touched mine. I gasped slightly at the sensation. Not only the sensation of his warm, full lips against mine, but the sensation of my heart lurching in my chest.
I was unsure whether it lurched for Jake, for Edward, or just for me. Either way, in that moment I felt more than I had in any single moment in the preceding months. Even more than when I was tempting fate in front of that bar in Port Angeles. Even more than when I was flying off my bike, head first into a tree.
Jake's lips were lingering on mine. I could sense he was giving me a moment to decide whether I was sure. I didn't need a moment. The unfamiliar pounding in my chest told me that much. All I needed was Jake.
I pressed my lips to his again with no hesitation. I had to show him what I wanted. He needed to know that there was no doubt in my mind. I fisted the material of his t-shirt and brought my other hand to his neck, pulling him to me in quiet desperation.
I kissed him like my life depended on it, because subconsciously, I knew it did.
Jake seemed to stir from his frozen state, his body relaxing slightly. Hesitantly, he brought his blazing fingertips to my cheek, stroking it lightly. He pulled away from our kiss gently and looked me in the eye, begging one last time for reassurance. I nodded my head almost imperceptibly and he responded immediately, cupping my face in his enormous hand. His other hand rested lightly on my hip. He gripped me softly, like I was fragile.
Then he kissed me back. He poured every latent emotion into our kiss. Every moment he noticed me gripping myself to hold my pain inside. Every moment he had to snap me out of a stray thought. Every touch he initiated, but I never reciprocated.
His lips were fiery and urgent, but not forceful. He was still savoring every moment. I dug my fingers into his long silky hair, needing to be connected to him in every way.
I parted my lips slightly, tentatively, invitingly. I was slightly surprised by my own bravery. The kisses I'd had in the past were pretty tame, to say the least. There had always been an unspoken barrier that was never crossed. With Jake though… the possibilities seemed limitless.
He slipped his tongue into my mouth and a soft moan escaped my lips involuntarily. I wasn't prepared for the rush of heat that flooded through my body. My heart rate sped up exponentially, shaking erratically in my chest. His soft, warm tongue against mine felt foreign at first, but the movement thereafter felt… good, enjoyable.
I responded to his movement, our tongues dancing slowly, savoring each moment. His thumb stroked my cheek tenderly, cautiously. His other hand traveled to the small of my back, pulling me tighter to him. I gripped his face with both my hands, pressing my lips to his with more urgency, deepening the kiss.
I expected him to pull back, but he didn't. Of course, he didn't. He wanted me with no reservations. I could feel it in the way his fingers caressed my back, my face. The way his tongue intermingled with mine, exploring me fully. There were no boundaries to his love for me.
I felt a sudden twinge in my chest at the thought that I was selfishly taking what I needed from Jake, while offering him… what? The opportunity to be with me? As if I was such a great prize.
But then I caught myself. If Jake thought I was enough, how could I fault myself for giving him what he wanted? Flawed logic aside, it seemed like a fair exchange.
Jake pulled away slowly and looked down at me, his eyes smoldering with intensity. I wondered if he had noticed a change in my body language while I was having a momentary lapse in confidence.
He brought his hands to mine, which were still gripping his face, and took them gently in his hands. He kissed each palm in turn, sending a slight flutter to the pit of my stomach. A single tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek. I cringed, expecting Jake to be hurt, but he simply brushed it away with his thumb and crushed me against his chest.
I drew a shaky breath and nuzzled into him as he gently stroked my hair. His heart was beating furiously in his chest. I don't know why I was so surprised. I had always been aware of the fact that Jake was as human as I was. Hearing his heartbeat just confirmed the stark reality. It should have felt normal to me, but for some reason, it didn't.
I pushed the traitor thoughts from my head and tried to enjoy just being close to him and comforted by him. His warm arms enveloped me, not only with physical warmth, but emotional warmth as well. I was safe and cared for. I was allowing my own needs to be met for the first time in… I shuddered, unwilling to place an exact time frame on my own unhappiness.
I sighed a contented sigh and pushed away from Jacob. He released me reluctantly. I shot him a small reassuring smile.
"Better get inside. Charlie will be wondering where I am," I said softly.
"Sure sure." Jake smiled in return. He was beaming.
We both got out of the car and strolled up the walkway to my front door. He swung his arm around me casually. I was relieved that our interaction was still comfortable and natural. I shouldn't have suspected anything less. Being with Jake had always been effortless. Why would being with him in a new way be any different?
When we reached my front door he was grinning from ear to ear. It was pretty adorable. I chuckled.
"So, how 'bout that movie, huh?" Jake blurted out jokingly.
I laughed out loud, shaking my head and smiling up at him. We locked gazes for a moment, staring intently at one another.
"Thanks, Jake," I almost whispered. Those two words were loaded with more gratitude than he would ever know.
"No sweat," he replied with a wink.
He reached out to touch my cheek again. I was thoroughly amazed at his brash confidence. He really did take everything in his stride.
He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Night, Bella."
"Night, Jake," I whispered in reply.
He planted a sweet kiss on my lips, then strode back to the Rabbit. He was practically skipping.
I couldn't help but smile as I turned to enter the house.
This would be a good thing.
A/N: Dare I ask if the readers agree that this would be a good thing? I request all the die hard Edward-lovers to hold their fire until they see where this is going.
And come on, admit it, you wanted Jacob and Bella to mack as much as I did.
Review and make a girl smile.