Organized Chaos

Disclaimer: Don't own the Clique, people and I'm making absolutely no profit from this. I'm on Fanfiction for God's sake!

Got this format from D R O W N-I N-S E Q U I N S and Wingzz. So they get some credit for that :]

I.

People say that Kristen Gregory is always honest.

II.

She had thought her whole life was ending when her father said he lost all of his money.

Her mother scoffed at her and told her that they were fine; they would get through it. She kept repeating that her father would get all the money back and nothing would change. If only her mother knew, she was the farthest from the truth.

Kristen's father lost even more as he kept trying to build his art dealership back. He eventually gave up rebuilding the useless dealership to try to salvage something.Sadly, their old lives were the things he couldn't rescue.

Her family went in a loop and turned around 180 degrees. They moved from the Montador to the Brickview Apartments next door. They slowly sold their prized (and most expensive) possessions to gain more money in the gradually failing economy.

Kristen never told her friends because she was afraid of their reactions. She was afraid to be kicked out from the one piece of her old life she had left. She clung to that piece desperately, and at times, losing who she really was. She became the Sporty Barbie doll; it's just a secret she didn't come with a pink Dream House.

III.

She had actually liked Claire when she came to town.

Claire seemed real and honest, two things Kristen herself couldn't be. She enjoyed life to the fullest, despite the fact that she didn't have the luxuries other families did. She stayed true to who she was even though Massie despised her and her plucky happiness.

Kristen wanted more than anything to be friends with someone like that. She wanted to be friends with someone she knew she could connect to on a level the rest of the Pretty Committee couldn't understand.

Maybe then, she could finally tell her deepest darkest secret. She could tell someone the thing that burdened her every day; she could confide in someone the struggles of the harsh and rapid transition from rich to poor; she could find someone who wouldn't judge her by her parent's bank account.

However, she followed Massie's orders to hate her. And it was for two simple reasons.

1. She could hang on to that piece of stable happiness. The thing that never changed (and she hoped and pleaded that it wouldn't) in her quickly twisting life.

2. And because she was jealous, that Claire could be whom she wanted without leaving her cocoon of serenity.

IV.

She is an overbearing perfectionist.

Some say that Massie Block has down pat the role of 'perfectionist'. Nevertheless, those people don't know Kristen Gregory at all.

Kristen watches what she says all time around people. She makes sure she keeps up her cover story of still being rich, even when the Pretty Committee already knows. She makes sure that when she lies that it's perfectly calculated and faultless, especially with such overbearing parents.

Kristen tries her hardest to be better than everyone else at something. She studies and does extra credit until her eyes burn and her hand cramps so that she can come out on top. She practices soccer until she collapses on the very field she loves so she can beat all other teams.

Kristen Gregory does all these things and it's so she could hide everything about her. On the inside, she doesn't feel perfect, and it kills her more than anything else does.

V.

She plays soccer because it makes her feel free.

The adrenaline rush that comes from running so fast that you're flying never fails to make her smile. The cheer of her teammates or the crowd as she gains a goal never stops making her feel effervescent. It doesn't matter what's going on around her. Those feelings persist. For a minute, Kristen feels wanted and like she belongs. She feels special. She feels like whatever is happening around her is just a memory and all that's real and true is the exhilarating emotion that comes from all sides.

However, it always has to end and she has to go back to reality, a place that she wants to cower in fear from.

VI.

Kristen sometimes really hates her parents.

Her mother used to be happy; she used to smile and laugh and surround everyone with love. Her mother was once her idol. When she was younger, she always wanted to be able to twirl the pearls her mother always carried (those were one of the first to be sold off) and sip a champagne glass delicately. Kristen wanted to be vivacious and proud of whom she was.

When they lost their money, her mother turned bitter. She turned cold and cruel, wanting to keep everyone locked away until she found some cure for her family's financial situation. Her armor went up, and in front of others, never went down. Though, sometimes as Kristen crept near the bathroom closest to her parents' room, she heard crying. She heard the muffled sobs and couldn't help but have her heart shattered.

Her father was once all crinkly eyes and loud, boisterous jokes. He was always there for Kristen to help her feel special. He congratulated her on a perfect score on a test or when she learned a new soccer move. He supported everything she did and never failed to make her face crack from how large her smile was.

When they lost their money, Kristen rarely saw him. He was always off working, trying to fix their condition. He became distant whenever he was home, and simply gave his wife and daughter a perfunctory kiss on the forehead before locking himself in his room to do more work. He was never able to see the broken look on the girls he used to adore more than anything else.

Kristen never liked being broken, so she kept that part of her hidden behind the many layers of her heart.

VII.

She felt sadness when Nina left for Spain again.

Kristen could see why Massie hated her; Nina was bold and comfortable in her own skin, something Massie couldn't do no matter how hard she tried. Kristen liked that about Nina and tried to get those fearless feelings embedded into her. She wanted to feel weightless, happy, and loved by all, something Nina was succeeding in getting.

She also liked her because Nina seemed to see her in a way her friends couldn't. She saw potential in Kristen to be at the top instead of rotting at the bottom. She saw something good and admirable in her that Kristen herself couldn't seem to see.

She complimented her on her calves. Sure, it seems like it wasn't much and it was 80% more to piss Massie off, but it made her feel like someone worthy. She helped her through that whole looking-like-a-boy thing when the rest of her friends just looked falsely sympathetic for her. Nina helped her attract more guys, something Kristen was never to accomplish on her own.

Kristen laughed like everyone else at the embarrassing photos and went on Massie's side as she was expected to, but she could never forget (or hate) Nina Callas.

VIII.

She hates being a lackey to Massie Block.

Kristen once thought that she could be 'The It Girl'. She thought she could surpass Massie and be the Queen Bee. It wasn't as if she wasn't popular; it wasn't as if she wasn't pretty; and it certainly wasn't because she was disliked or feared.

It was because she's insecure.

Some things people tell her easily hurt her. If one of her so-called friends makes a particularly harsh joke about her wealth, she may not show it, but she's hurt. If one of them comments about her slow-growing hair, she'll have tears well up. Yes, she'll create a comeback about one of their flaws, but it never seems to ease the pain. It never seems to end the feelings of inadequacy plaguing her.

It's easy to be a sidekick. It's easy to be forgotten. It hurts a lot less than having your insecurities and flaws shoved so close to your face that you feel physically sick. That's why she could never take over. She couldn't handle having to try even harder to be perfect than she already was. She knew she wouldn't last a second of it all.

Kristen knew she wasn't deep purple, glitter, and chic, and that's what made her stay as a lowly subordinate to Massie Block.

IX.

She worries constantly about how she appears to boys.

Kristen isn't confident when it comes to being with the opposite sex. Give her a soccer ball and a book of practices and she'll be fine around them. She'll stay in her element and won't be distracted by whom she's playing with, just how they play.

However, when it comes to flirting, giggling, and being seductive, Kristen is incorrigibly inept. She freezes up, her palms sweat, and she never knows what to say. She stutters and has the unbearable urge to run away while hiding her face in shame. Kristen tries to come up with random topics to talk about, but the flowing connection ends after two responses.

Maybe this is why I can never hold onto someone, she incessantly thought. The theory is said by the awful voice in her head (the same one that tells her how worthless she is) and causes images of her past "relationships" to crop up.

Like a montage, they go quickly and swirl painfully in blur of colors and heartbreak. She closes her eyes as she thinks of her unrequited infatuation with Derrick Harrington. She flinches at her embarrassing moments with Kemp Hurley. She cradles her head as she thinks of Griffin Hastings and how he called her crazy. She holds back tears as an image of Dune Baxter comes into her head in all his suntanned glory. He eventually left her for Layne once he realized she wasn't returning his affection. And a harsh laugh spews out when she thinks of the brief and tumultuous time she spent with Dempsey Solomon.

The routine of thought and reaction never changes, in homage to the OCD attitude Kristen has.

X.

She fears being without friends.

Her friends are her everything, no matter how many times they seem to quit the friendship. They are hers and she'd never want to replace them. She hopes they never replace her either, but she can never be too sure.

Kristen doesn't make much of an impact to them. She's their dictionary, their free-notes, their homework answers, and sometimes she worries that's all she is. She laughs to herself when she thinks these preposterous things, but she never stops thinking them. She never stops fearing the loss of everyone around her. She never stops, even as she hits her head back against her bedroom door in sadness and frustration while salty tears rain down like soldiers in parachutes.

Being alone is something she never expected when she was rich. But it's all she can think of when she's not.

XI.

Kristen likes Cleopatra because she's always remembered.

Cleopatra was the last great pharaoh of Egypt's Ptolemaic dynasty. No one can forget how she fought to the top and was always remembered as a classic symbol of female dominance. Kristen wouldn't be surprised if that was Massie's idol, too.

Kristen wants to be remembered. She wants to be known by all and never forgotten and left as an afterthought. When she dies, she wants to be recalled as someone admired and loved by everyone, even if the things she did didn't always benefit someone other than herself.

She doesn't want to be shoved in the background, but for now, that's the place she belongs.

XII.

Kristen feels torn between the Witty Committee and the Pretty Committee.

The Pretty Committee has always been there (minus Claire, of course). They've been best friends forever, through thick and thin, and that's difficult to turn your back on. They have their moments when none of them are fighting and all they could do is hang out and laugh until tears spring up and they forget what they were laughing at.

But, they bicker like crazy all the time in between. Alicia and Massie never stop fighting for the alpha spot, Dylan ceaselessly annoys everyone with her "I'm so fat," comments when she knows very well that she isn't, and Claire is always crying over the latest drama with Cam. It gets suffocating after a while.

The Witty Committee never judges her. She's able to make intelligent jokes without having to explain them to everyone else so they understand. She can immerse herself in another life and become a character that she's always wanted to be. She can finally be the alpha she's always strived to become, without having to worry about being teased mercilessly over the things she finds imperfect.

But, Kristen can never come out and say she's friends with them. All the work she's done to gain the status she has will be shot to hell and there's no chance to redeem that. She doesn't have the immunity from it as Claire does. Kristen never really treats them like anything more than side friends or like an interactive diary. She gives them her problems, but rarely takes much of theirs. They also have their own interactions outside of the web chat. She should expect it since she never has the guts to hang out with them, but it hurts her that she's not included or thought about.

Kristen just finally wants to find her place to belong, but all she keeps getting is ripped in two.

XIII.

She really hates herself sometimes.

Kristen hates how she needs to be perfect. She hates having to lie to others to have to keep up the façade. She just wants to come clean. She wants to shout to everyone, "Stop thinking so highly of me! I'm just like everyone else!" and be treated like she should. However, her pride keeps her back.

She hates how damaged she's become since her family lost their money. She sees that loss as the start of all the bad things in her life. Her life was good before, wasn't it? She never had to scour around sales bins to find something acceptable for the label-whoring Pretty Committee. She never had to cry herself to sleep because she felt her parents didn't want her. She never had to shout to be heard in a sea of people who just don't care what she has to say unless it's the answers to the latest test.

She just wishes she could turn back time and go somewhere where she doesn't feel hated, by herself or anyone else.

XIV.

Kristen wants someone to save her.

Not someone to save her physically from someone else. But from herself. She wants someone to be able help her stop the utter loathing she feels for herself. She wants someone to burst through the door and tell her everyone will be okay, even if her world is crashing down. She wants someone who would make her want to stay in reality. Kristen constantly wants to fly away to Neverland, live in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, and just be somewhere where she doesn't have to pretend. She's self-destructive, and the more she tries to pretend, the harder it gets to live.

Kristen wants to feel like she's someone worth saving, so maybe she can finally be whole again.

XV.

People say that Kristen Gregory is always honest.

The people who say that obviously don't really know her. She can't expect anything less, since she never lets anyone close enough to see. All they can see is smart, hardworking, sporty Kristen Gregory. They see the polite, word-jumble creating, sensible girl in the Pretty Committee. No one sees much else.

They don't really see the girl whose parents don't seem to notice her; they don't see how she covers up the fact that she isn't rich at all. They don't seem to see how she hates to be second-best and tries tirelessly to come out on top; they never know that she's lying all the time about who she is and what she thinks.

Kristen Gregory thinks she's lost herself and she just wants to be honest about it.

Yes, veryveryvery angsty. But that's what I think I'm best at. My personal favorite was #6. Tell me yours in a review? :)

By the way, I haven't read Boys R Us yet. So, if something doesn't work with something Lisi added there, my sincerest apologies.