The Cursed Jar of Peanut Butter
Disclaimer: I do not own many of the things in this story. I do not own anything or any of the characters made by Tamora Pierce. I also do not own: peanut butter, Barney the Dinosaur, Narnia, Harry Potter, Neal's shoe and various other things.
During one seemingly normal day in the land of Tortall, Keladry was bored. She had had nothing important to do since the war had ended. Eventually she came to the decision to visit her best friend and fellow knight; Neal. As she approached Neal's room she noticed that there was lots of noise coming from inside it. She pushed open the door and entered the room. Inside she was shocked to see Neal bent over a jar of what looked like peanut butter, chanting a spell.
"Neal, what are you doing?" Kel asked as he completed the spell.
"I have just created the most delicious jar of peanut butter in all of Tortall; in the entire world, in fact!" Neal replied, looking smug and quite pleased with himself. Suddenly there was a flash of bright light and Kel's world went black.
Kel woke up to the annoying sound of giggling and opened her eyes to see the culprit.
"Alanna?!" She yelled, highly surprised by this odd behaviour from the older lady knight.
"Heeeeey Kelly!" Alanna said in an annoyingly girlish voice, "how ya feelin', you musta' banged your head when the cursed jar of peanut butter took over the world and reversed everyone's personalities! Poor Kelly."
"OMG, I AM GOING TO KILL NEAL!!! AND WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP CALLING ME 'KELLY'?!" Kel screeched at Alanna.
"Sheesh! You've gotta relaaax, man." Alanna replied. In reply to this Kel screamed in annoyance and stormed out of the room.
"Are my eyes deceiving me or did Kel just lose her temper while Alanna didn't?" Numair asked from outside the door.
"I dunno," Alanna replied before skipping out of the room, humming happily to herself. Numair stared after her for a while before noticing a shoe lying on the floor.
"OMG, A SHOE!!!" Numair yelled in excitement before rushing over to pick it up and shove it in his mouth. "Mmmmm... tasty," he decided.
Meanwhile the rest of Tortall was in chaos. Alanna has just spontaneously decided to become a hippie, while Daine was rampaging through Corus killing all animals in her sight. In fact, the only person who seemed unaffected by the cursed jar of peanut butter was King Jon who was still, as usual, acting like complete jerk, but perhaps slightly stupider. Even Lord Wyldon had been affected by this curse: he had begun his very own cross dressing school and was considering getting a sex change.
Kel had given up of finding Neal and walked into the mess hall feeling depressed. Suddenly she saw a certain red-headed oaf. Yes, you guessed it: Cleon.
"Hey, everyone! Let's all bash up Cleon," Kel yelled gleefully. At this the entire mess hall cheered. Everyone, that is, except for Cleon who was crying like a baby.
"Why is it always me who gets bashed up in every single fic? No one loves me." Cleon sobbed, and with that he ran out of the room bawling his eyes out. Kel, surprisingly, was laughing her head off throughout this event. Neal looked at her, shocked.
"Are you ok Kel?" he asked.
"YOU ******* *****, OF COURSE I'M NOT OK. I GOT ZAPPED BY YOUR STUPID ******* SPELL AND NOW I'M DOOMED TO LIVE A LIFE OF OVERLY-EXAGERATED EMOTIONS. YOU *******, I'LL KILL YOU!!!" And with that she stood up and tried to hit Neal with her sword. Most unfortunately she was a crap swords-woman. When Kel got out of control and pulled a gun out of her pocket (A/N: don't ask me how she got a gun; I didn't give it to her!) Jon stood up and said in his Jerkiest voice
"Keladry, since you seem to be completely out of control and therefore are not awesome enough to come anywhere near me, I am going to have to ask you to go to Anger Management class until you can be sensible. And don't try to get out of the classes; I'm your king, so you have to do whatever I say because I am way cooler than you'll ever be."
"Nooooooo, you can't do this to me!" Kel yelled as they dragged her out of the mess hall. "I didn't even get to eat my avocado!"
Kel was surprised to see that she wasn't the only person in anger management class. There was also Daine; who kept twitching and muttering about killing animals, and Owen; who didn't seem angry, just severely depressed.
"Okay everyone! Welcome to Anger Management Class. I will be you teacher for today, and I hope you all learn something useful about life in this lesson." Kel's mouth fell open in shock. Her teacher in anger management class was... ALANNA?!
"Alanna?! How did you get the job as teacher for Anger Management Class? I mean, you'd have to be the worst tempered person in all of Tortall," Kel exclaimed.
"Hmph, that is sooo not true... At least not since the curse of the jar of peanut butter. Anyway, I got the job 'cause I slept with the King. I had to get this job because it's got WAY better pay than any other job around here, and I need a new job 'cause I'm not a knight anymore because I decided to become a hippie!"
"Great..." Muttered Daine under her breath. "Now what's the best way to torture a cat to death, I wonder..."
While the Anger Management Class got under way, there were other problems.
"I CAN'T FIND RAOUL ANYWHERE!!!" yelled Jon in distress.
"A dams- I mean, a King in distress!" yelled Lalasa. "I shall find Raoul for you gentle sir. It will please my great honour to do so."
"Too late," replied Myles wearily. "I've already found him."
"Where is he?" asked Jon excited by this discovery. "I need him for my weekly manicure."
"Raoul is hiding in your wardrobe."
...
"WHAT?!"
The instant Anger Management class had finished Alanna was skipping through the palace corridors feeling very pleased with herself for making a difference in some people's lives. As she turned a corner she was very surprised by who she found there.
"Roger?! I thought I killed you years ago... twice? How can you be alive, AGAIN?"
"Well, I was resurrected from the dead... AGAIN, by an evil and extremely powerful sorcerer. I think he said his name was, um.... Barney the Dinosaur? Or something like that anyway. And he kept on singing, over and over again. He was really quite annoying, so I killed him."
"Oh, ok. Have you seen Thom recently?"
"Oh, yes. Barney brought him back to life too. Last time I saw him he was dancing with Barney. Oh, there he is!" Alanna looked up just in time to see her brother Thom sprinting through the room completely naked yelling 'I LIKE GREEN AND YELLOW SPOTTED EGGPLANTS!!!'
"Hmmm... that was strange" Alanna decided. Suddenly she looked at Roger in a way she had never looked at him before. "Hey Roger, I never noticed how hot you were."
"Really? Well, I think you're fairly cute yourself."
"Thanks! How about we get married?"
When she said this George burst into the room bawling his eyes out.
"Alanna, how could you? I mean... I know you've had affairs with several other men since we got together, but this has to be the worst by far." And with that George ran out of the room. Later, still grief stricken, he decided to become a famous amateur butterfly collector.
"Hmmm... I feel slightly bad about that, but I love you more Roger," Alanna commented.
"Me too, my dazzling daffodil"
"Sorry about killing you several times and all that..."
"That's okay. It was just a misunderstanding after all."
And with that Alanna and Roger proceeded to tell all of their friends about their new romance.
Meanwhile in the queen's chambers a very teary Thayet was moaning about the effects the peanut butter curse had had on her.
"IM ******* BALD!!!"
"Uh, it's okay Thayet... I'm sure it'll grow back," a nervous Buri told the distraught queen.
"B- b- but, my hair!"
"It will grow back," Buri insisted. Eventually the queen gave up and went to cry herself to sleep. Happy about not losing her own BEAUTIFUL hair, Buri skipped through the king's chambers on her way to the door.
"Psssst, Buri!" an urgent whisper came from the King's wardrobe.
"Who is that?" Buri asked, giggling, as she opened the door. She was shocked when a heavy Raoul fell on top of her.
"What were you doing in there, Raouly?" she asked, curious.
"Myles locked me in there, and there was a SPIDER!!!" Raoul whimpered.
"Thanks, amigo!" Aragog said to Buri as he left the room.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEK, A SPIDER!!!" Buri shrieked before jumping up and sprinting out of the room. She had run halfway alone the adjacent corridor before she realised that she was running directly towards Aragog, so she turned and ran back in the opposite direction to lock herself in the wardrobe.
"Ummm... Buri" Raoul asked as he tapped on the door.
"Go away," Buri sobbed as she trembled in the wardrobe. Raoul sighed and settled outside the wardrobe. Suddenly he heard a muffled squeak and looked up just as Buri tumbled out of it.
"Oh Raoul, I missed you so much!" Buri sighed.
"Uhhh, Buri. You were only gone for five seconds," Raoul pointed out, feeling very confused about his wife's behaviour.
"Yes, but Raoul, I went to the magical world of Narnia and battled witches and talked to an obese and digitally animated lion called Aslan. Oh, it was so wonderful!"
"Hmmm... yea. Suuuure!" He replied before gathering Buri up and taking her away from the strange wardrobe.
A short time later Daine, who was now sane, wandered into her rooms to check out her hair in the mirror. She was expecting it to look terrible after the affects of the curse of the peanut butter and was prepared for that. What she was not expecting, however, was to see kitten sitting in the middle of her floor with... RETRO SCALES?!
"KITTEN, HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING DRUGS AGAIN?!" Daine screeched.
"Chirp," Kitten replied, looking guiltily down at her retro -scaled belly.
"DON'T YOU 'CHIRP' ME YOUNG LADY!!!" Daine yelled menacingly.
"Uhhh, Daine. Kitten can't speak, remember?" Alanna pointed out as she entered the room. "Hey Kit, nice look!"
"That is NOT a nice look Alanna. She looks like she's been tie-dyed!" Daine told Alanna angrily.
"Heeey, sheesh! You gotta calm down girl. Take some deep breaths."
"Perhaps a nice massage would help you, my darling," Roger murmured from the doorway.
"WTF?! How can Roger be alive? I thought you killed him years ago... TWICE!" Daine yelped.
"Chirp chirp chirp," Kitten added.
"Uhhh, yea... about that. Well Daine, Kitten, you see, Roger and I are seeing each other now and I think he's HOT," Alanna explained.
"CHIRP?!" Kitten squawked before fainting from either shock or overdose... or a combination of the two.
In the meantime, Kel was now happy after Alanna's great advice in her Anger Management Class. Kel had thought she would never hear herself, or anyone else for that matter, say it, but Alanna was really the calmest and most serene person she had ever seen in her entire life. As Kel strode happily through the kitchen she saw something that made her heart leap with excitement. It was a brand new sword. Kel took it, too happy to care if anyone was annoyed at her for taking their prized possession, and ran off to find Raoul so that she could show him her new weapon.
When Kel spotted Raoul she let out a shriek of excitement.
"Guess what Raoul, I got a new sword!" Kel shouted animatedly with a giggle.
Raoul looked at Kel's new weapon and laughed. "Kel, that's not a sword. That's a butterknife!"
At this Kel pouted and muttered, "That's not true. You're just jealous that I have a way better sword than you'll ever have." And with that she ran off into the heart of the castle. Raoul shook his head and smiled.
"Typical Kel," he thought. "Getting a butterknife confused with a sword, ha!" After a brief pause Raoul frowned. "No... that's not right. Kel's smarted than that, I think..."
A short while later Alanna was walking through the palace corridors, having just escaped from Roger.
"Boy," she thought. "Roger is sweet, but he never lets a girl do anything on her own. Maybe I'll have to end this relationship... I mean, it's not like its actually going anywhere. All he ever does is eat chocolate and watch stupid romantic movies... I don't even know how he can watch romantic movies since they haven't even been invented yet! Oh well... must be a 'dead' thing..." Alanna was so deep in thought she wasn't even noticing where she was going. She did notice, however, when she ran straight into a giant spider.
"EEEEEK, A SPIDER!!!" Alanna screamed girlishly.
"Why! How rude. Is this how you treat a guest to this palace young lady?" Aragog asked arrogantly.
"Hey, spiders aren't actually that bad!" Alanna realised.
"Yes, I know. I've been one all my life," Aragog replied. "My name is 'Aragog' by the way. You may recognise me from the Harry Potter book series and films."
"Pleased to meet you!" Alanna replied joyfully. "You know, you're actually kinda good looking... for a huge, ugly spider, at least."
"Why thankyou! And you aren't too bad yourself, for a stupid, pink human who would usually be supper for me," Aragog replied.
"Thanks!" Alanna said shyly, pleased with the compliment. "Hey, are you doing anything later tonight... I though maybe we could go out to dinner together, or something..."
"It would be my pleasure" Aragog said with a grin. (A/N yes, he can now grin) And with that they strode towards the gardens so that they could become better acquainted with each other.
Some time later George and Roger were found chatting about life in the mess hall. They had actually become quite good friends, even though they were fighting over the some girl. Onua, who was sitting opposite them, suddenly leant across the table with a wicked glint in her eyes and said
"Did you guys hear; apparently Alanna hooked up with Aragog today behind your backs."
At this simple statement only one sound could be heard throughout the mortal realms.
"WHAT?!"
(A/N And I think I will leave it at that, for now. Don't worry, I have much more to write in this fic. Any ideas or opinions would be appreciated. Please review!)
Numair: If you do not review Aragog and I shall invade your wardrobe and steal all of your socks! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We are so evil!