Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,

I really like this guy in my class, but he never seems to notice me, just walks right by laughing with his friends. He's really smart, funny, in my house, extremely kind, and loves books, like me. We've talked a few times in the library, and I've seen him carrying a lot of the same books as me, but the guys he hangs out with can be total bullying pricks, and they sometimes pick on me, though he doesn't join in. How do I tell if he likes me? How do I decide if it's worth asking him out when he just lets his friends walk all over me and a lot of other people? I know we have a lot in common, we take almost all the same classes and we're both really consistent students, but he never goes on any dates. Should I ask him out? Or wait for him to maybe get the hint and ask ME out? I'm so confused, signed,

Griff' Girl

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Griff' Girl should do what all other Hogwarts females seem to do: demand that the male population changes, discover that men cannot change that easily, and then become a man hater.

Mr. Moony would like to state that Mr. Padfoot has just lost his most recent of girlfriends.

Mr. Prongs would like to add that this was because said girlfriend was displeased with Mr. Padfoot's apparent laziness and lack of interest in anything even remotely close to a serious relationship.

Mr. Padfoot did not need the public to know that.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it is a suitable fate for a pudding hater like Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot does not understand Mr. Wormtail's apparent obsessions with pudding.

Mr. Moony thinks that both Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Wormtail need to grow up and start realizing that there are bigger problems in the world than pudding and girls.

Mr. Padfoot currently refuses to see such bigger problems as they are more easily ignored.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot needs to face his family issues at some point.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that pudding can make anything better.

Mr. Padfoot has decided to not let his family decide his life, and prefers to ignore the problems that decision causes whilst at a neutral location, Hogwarts.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that the Marauders should let the issue drop and focus on pudding.

Dear Celebrated and Hilarious Marauders,

The Official Ravenclaw Club of Thought-Provoking and Slightly Rhetorical Questions asks you: What would you guys be without magic? What would you do if you had to live as a Muggle?

'Claw Inquiries

P.S. Padfoot, you're an arse, but I think you're hot and hilarious.

Mr. Padfoot thanks 'Claw Inquiries for the complements and invites them to a rendezvous on the 7th floor across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.

Mr. Prongs would like to answer the question for Mr. Padfoot, firmly believing that if muggle, Mr. Padfoot would be a male prosti—

Mr. Moony would like to finish Mr. Prongs' statement for him, by saying that Mr. Padfoot would be a professional stick figure artist who is obviously male.

Mr. Prongs cannot imagine Mr. Padfoot as anything other than a male prostit—

Mr. Moony would like to remind Mr. Prongs that the Advice Column is still being monitored by Professor McGonagal.

Mr. Prongs would like Mr. Moony to stop ruining his fun at Mr. Padfoot's expense, because everyone knows that they have more money, those male prostit—

Mr. Padfoot wonders why a male professional stick figure artist would be richer.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that he would be a professional pudding connoisseur if he was muggle.

Mr. Padfoot realizes what Mr. Prongs attempted to call him and is appalled that Mr. Prongs would think such a thing, but firmly believes that Mr. Prongs would join him as a male prostitut—

Mr. Moony declares that the Marauders are moving on.

Not so dear Messrs. Loony, Wormface, Madfoot and Wrong,

I demand that you explain why my whole house's pumpkin pies exploded at dinner the other night! I know it was you, so no denying it! My bleached hair turned orange! ORANGE! I demand you tell me how to get it out!

Furious and Revengeful Viper

Mr. Padfoot regretfully reports that the Marauders used muggle food coloring which permanently stains.

Mr. Moony would like to helpfully add that shaving one's hair might solve the problem.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that eating pudding can fix the problem, because pudding fixes everything.

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that it was Mr. Padfoot's idea.

Mr. Padfoot proudly claims that it was his idea.

Mr. Moony rolls his eyes.

Mr. Wormtail likes pudding.

Mr. Padfoot,

How do you get your hair that way? How long does it take?

Vengeful Lemon Drop

Mr. Prongs thinks it is a rather boring affair that Mr. Padfoot is entirely too interested in, as it takes four hours each morning doing nothing but staring in the mirror and adjusting a single piece of hair every half hour.

Mr. Padfoot does not spend that much time on his hair!

Mr. Moony did not see any undue exaggeration in Mr. Prongs' statement.

Mr. Wormtail is usually too busy easting pudding to notice.

Mr. Prongs would rather not hear Mr. Padfoot tell about his hair for the next fifty thousand pages, and suggests that the Marauders move one before he has a chance.

Mr. Moony agrees.

Mr. Padfoot,

Thank you VERY much for knocking over my crystal ball in Divination last week! You had better watch your back. Oh, and my friend and I will be telling your Head of House that you sneaked into our Common Room to visit your Ravenclaw girlfriend. You do realize that she's changing her appearance before every date with you, right? That's why you never see her around school. Remember, watch your back Padfoot.

Sister Psych'

Mr. Padfoot is appalled to know that his most recent girlfriend has deceived him in such a way.

Mr. Moony is supremely surprised that Mr. Padfoot seriously thought that he was dating a Ravenclaw in his year that he didn't have any classes with, even though Gryffindor has several classes with Ravenclaw, like Charms and History of Magic.

Mr. Padfoot admits that he found the idea of a secret girlfriend very alluring.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot is just trying to cover up that he was oblivious.

Mr. Padfoot denies any such thing.

Mr. Wormtail is appalled that Mr. Padfoot would deny himself pudding.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if Mr. Wormtail is loosing it.

Mr. Moony would like Mr. Padfoot to remember the most recent of experimental curses that he tried on Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot forgot, and has decided that the effects of the curse are demeaning and make a person look sincerely delusional.

Mr. Wormtail will go on a pudding rampage if this discrimination against pudding does not end soon.

Mr. Padfoot would like to remind Mr. Wormtail that he has been on a pudding rampage since the day he was born.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot is being unfairly cruel to Mr. Wormtail

Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs,

I really, really have this prank I need to pull... On a very cruel person, who deserves it... Possibly a Slytherin, probably not a Slytherin though... What do you suggest?

Sister Psych'

Mr. Padfoot would like to state that the Marauders are all out of ideas, but the experimental pudding curse might be a suitable punishment.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Padfoot knows what he is saying.

Mr. Padfoot is too enthralled with pudding to care about what he says.

Mr. Prongs is certain that Mr. Padfoot did not realize what he said.

Mr. Wormtail is excited to know that he has another dedicated pudding follower.

Mr. Padfoot would like to invite Mr. Wormtail on a pilgrimage to the secret Hogwarts pudding shrine.

Mr. Wormtail is excited and would like to depart immediately.

Mr. Moony wonders if there is a counter curse for the experimental pudding curse, and really hopes that Mr. Padfoot was not the only one who knows said counter curse.

Mr. Prongs hopes that Mr. Padfoot built in a timer when he made the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony agrees.

Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,

A close friend of mine has become a problem. He has suddenly decided he likes me. This is annoying, because he's a good friend and now he's just awkward to be around. How do I tell him, nicely, that I'd like for him to be quarantined until he gets over it?

Annoyed Raven'

Mr. Prongs believes it is much easier to simply quarantine the guy rather than telling him that you want to do so.

Mr. Moony is in a mood so as to agree with Mr. Prongs' rude statement.

Mr. Prongs hopes that Mr. Moony has not been affected by the dreaded experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony assures him that he has not, and is only attempting to make up for Mr. Padfoot's absence of cruel comments.

Mr. Prongs understands, but wonders who is going to make up for Mr. Moony's new found absense of level headed reasoning.

Mr. Moony doesn't know and doesn't care.

Mr. Prongs is scared of the new Mr. Moony.

Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs

Do you know any way to get the drop dead gorgeous boy alone to tell him? I have NO experience in dating. Can you help me?

Muggleborn Dancer

Mr. Moony thinks that Muggleborn Dancer should do what all other Hogwarts females seem to do: demand that the male population changes, discover that men cannot change that easily, and then become a man hater.

Mr. Prongs is really scared and wonders if there is a new experimental curse at work here.

Mr. Padfoot would like to announce that there is a new experimental curse at work here, and he has chosen to call it the reasonable turn-around curse.

Mr. Prongs demands that Mr. Padfoot removes the curse immediately.

Mr. Moony wonders where Mr. Wormtail is.

Mr. Padfoot must unfortunately report that Mr. Wormtail has been lost to the pudding shrine and currently suffering the after effects of pudding deprivation.

Mr. Prongs would like to note the inordinate amount of pudding that Mr. Padfoot brought back with him.

Mr. Padfoot says that pudding deprivation is an unfortunate after effect of the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony facepalms.

Mr. Prongs wonders if Mr. Moony is alright.

Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,

If someone dared you to stand on the table and sing the Hogwarts school song at the top of your lungs at breakfast tomorrow, would you do it?

Drama Queen

Mr. Padfoot would like to consider it dared, and would like to tell Drama Queen to expect it at breakfast tomorrow.

Dear Mr. Moony,

How can you put up with those idiots?

Worried Gryff'

P.S. Why are you all so mean to Mr. Padfoot? He may be annoying, stuck up, idiotic, annoying, self-centered, in love with his hair, annoying, immature, annoying, a cheating boyfriend, annoying... but...

Mr. Moony would like to state in his defense that the Marauders are all very intelligent, though they don't necessarily apply their intelligence in the optimal ways.

Mr. Prongs would like to take this opportunity to agree with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Padfoot denies that he is any of those things.

Marauders,

That is what you call yourselves, isn't it? Anyway, I seem to have stumbled across a slight problem. I seem to have stumbled into this world from the Netherworld. The redhead girl whose room I appeared in directed me to you lot, claiming that you're "responsible for anything that ever goes wrong at Hogwarts, ever."

I find this difficult to believe in a school of this size, but I don't have a lot of options. Have any of you inadvertently opened a hole to the Netherworld recently? This place is too cold for my liking; my glasses keep fogging up and I've had to start wearing my coat properly! Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?

And if anyone asks about the blood on the carpets, I blame the idiots in green. 'Mudblood' indeed.

Wanderer

Mr. Padfoot would like to 'blame the idiots in green' for the Wanderer's problem.

Mr. Moony admits that the Marauders had no part in the opening of a hole into the nether world.

Mr. Prongs would like to add that 'the idiots in green' are rabid supporters of the dark arts and have been known to conduct experiments in the dark arts from time to time.

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out in particular that Bellatrix Black has a particular obsession with the dark arts.

Mr. Wormtail is sad to report that the idiots in green has stolen his pudding and the Marauders need to seek revenge and pudding.

Mr. Padfoot regrettably agrees with Mr. Wormtail as the after effects of the experimental pudding curse are severe.

Mr. Moony will allow the Marauders to go on a pudding quest.

Mr. Wormtail is in celebration.

*cricket chirp*

Marauders,

If you could do anything to Snivlellus, what would you do?

Tiger child

Mr. Padfoot would allow him to walk in to a dangerous situation that may or may not get him killed.

Mr. Moony is appalled at Mr. Padfoot's cruelness.

Mr. Prongs would not do anything so severe.

Mr. Moony thinks that the worst that the Marauders should ever do is pranks.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it would be the best prank ever pulled.

Mr. Prongs would like to remind Mr. Padfoot of the oaths the Marauders take at the initiation ceremony.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Snivlellus is a danger to the school.

Mr. Moony thinks that the students are rarely a threat to the safety of the school.

Mr. Padfoot points out Mr. Moony's use of the word 'rarely'.

Mr. Moony thinks that this argument should be continued in a less public place.

Mr. Prongs agree, and suggests Marauder Sanctus.

Marauders,

Do you each have a favorite Quidditch team? If so which one?

A Falmouth Falcons Fan

Mr. Prongs would like to state that all of the Marauders fully support the Gryffindor quidditch team.

Mr. Wormtail is in support of pudding.

Mr. Padfoot did not curse Mr. Wormtail with the experimental pudding curse again.

Mr. Moony does not believe Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot loves pudding.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Moony is the cruel one.

Mr. Moony is only when need be to teach a lesson on morals.

Mr. Prongs cedes with respect for Mr. Moony's efforts.

Dear Marauders,

Last week I found a cute, little, black puppy outside my dorm and I gave it a bit of dog food. The poor thing looked so hungry...Unfortunately, since that day Sirius Black has been pranking me and insulting me. Do you think it is related?

'Puff Animal Lover

Mr. Moony admits that giving Mr. Padfoot a de-aging potion was a bad idea.

Mr. Prongs also admits that daring Mr. Padfoot to try to sneak into the Hufflepuff dorms without the map was a bad idea.

Mr. Padfoot is only sorry that he was unsuccessful in his attempts to sneak into the Hufflepuff dorm's secret stash of pudding.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot means the girls' dorms when he says secret stash of pudding.

Mr. Padfoot does not argue with Mr. Prongs' pudding statement.

To Messrs. Mooney, Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs:

Ever since this advice column was started things have been too quiet around here. I was wondering if we should be expecting a huge prank on the Slytherins.

Bored Firstie

Mr. Moony regrettably informs Bored Firstie that the Marauders have moved on to experimental spell creation after running out of new ideas for pranks.

Mr. Padfoot encourages any one with new ideas to come forward with pudding and suggest them, but only if the Marauders have not used these ideas before.

Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Why is Mr. Moony so touchy about questions asking if he's gay? Seems kind of suspicious...

Rainbow

Mr. Moony would like to state that it is no more suspicious than Mr. Padfoot's reaction to being called a male professional stick figure artist.

Mr. Padfoot would prefer that wasn't brought up without pudding.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the experimental pudding curse is absolutely hilarious.

Mr. Moony agrees, at the expense of Mr. Padfoot.

Dear Mr. Moony,

What is your favorite book? And do you have any recommendations for a bored bookworm?

Reading Ravenclaw

P.S. Do you still have a girlfriend?

Mr. Moony hates to disappoint, but does have a girlfriend.

Mr. Padfoot wouldn't mind dating Reading Ravenclaw with pudding.

Mr. Prongs is a huge fan of the experimental pudding curse.

Messrs. Moony, Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail,

How on earth did you discover my secret stash of pudding?

Professor Pudding

Mr. Padfoot does remember that a side effect of the experimental pudding curse was an enhanced sense of smell for pudding.

Mr. Moony would also like to add that Mr. Wormtail does not need said side effects to know where all pudding stashes in the castle are, seeing as how Mr. Wormtail is the one and only Pudding Dictator.

Mr. Prongs would claim that due to the above evidence that he and Mr. Moony are not the pudding thieves.

Mr. Padfoot wonders why he is still a possible pudding thief.

Mr. Prongs wonders where Mr. Padfoot got the pudding that he is currently eating after the Slytherins apparently got the last of the pudding from the Secret Hogwarts Pudding Shrine.

Mr. Padfoot sees that Mr. Prongs has a very valid point, and thus claims that Mr. Wormtail did it in his desperate need for more pudding.

Mr. Moony thinks that Mr. Padfoot should not blame anyone who is not present to defend themselves.

Mr. Wormtail has pudding and therefore does not need to defend himself.

Mr. Padfoot think that Mr. Wormtail's logic is flawed.

Mr. Wormtail has pudding and therefore does not care.

Mr. Prongs wonders if Mr. Wormtail is still under the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Padfoot made especially sure that a trip to the Secret Hogwarts Pudding Shrine would stop the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony hopes that Mr. Padfoot is right, but thinks that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Wormtail should return again to the Secret Hogwarts Pudding Shrine just to be sure.

Mr. Wormtail would gladly go to the place of pudding.

Marauders,

Being Driven Crazy might know my sister. She's very social. That being said, she has gathered a lot of supporters for the Candy Allies. She is declaring all out war against the Nonbelievers next Hogsmeade visit - all of the shops are already putting up shields for the battle. I'm supposing the battle will be very sticky and candy-like. How do I avoid getting dragged into this? She already told me to buy fireworks, and everything Honeydukes has to offer.

Confused Ravenclaw

Mr. Padfoot wonders why one would want to avoid a Candy Battle War Pudding.

Mr. Moony thinks that Mr. Padfoot needs to go to the Secret Hogwarts Pudding Shrine.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the best way to avoid anything is to paint purple spots on yourself, then go to the nurse and say you have Dragon Pox.

Mr. Moony recalls that quarantine is required for any student with Dragon Pox.

Mr. Prongs thinks it's an excellent plan.

"Marauders"

I am informing you that I am still monitoring this "Advice Column". I am letting you know that I am horrified by the "advice" currently being administered. If you do not clean up your act, all four of you, yes you too Mr. Moony, will be in detention for the next fortnight.

Professor M. McGonagall

Mr. Moony told the Marauders so.

Mr. Prongs admits that the Marauders should listen better to Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony would like to inform Professor McGonagall that the Marauders are trying, but unfortunately are teenage boys, and do slightly fit the stereotype for such.

Dear. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs,

I would like to know how Mr. Padfoot's identity has not yet leaked out to the rest of the castle as the many girls he meets would likely recognize his true identity on sight, would they not?

A very suspicious Ravenclaw

Mr. Prongs would like to say that Mr. Padfoot's identity is one of the worst kept secrets of Hogwarts.

Mr. Moony would like to add that even Professor McGonagall knows Mr. Padfoot's identity.

Mr. Prongs would also like to state that the maintaining of the secret identities is purely for appearances and hilarity's sake.

Mr. Moony agrees that the Advice column would not be nearly as fun without the anonymity of secret code names.

Mr. Padfoot has once again lost Mr. Wormtail to the Secret Pudding Shrine of Hogwarts, and that his obsession does not fit the description of the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony worries about Mr. Wormtail's sanity.

Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs,

Would you consider joining me for milk and cookies? We also have pudding. My agents in the castle are currently in possession of all the pudding to be found within a fifty kilometer radius. Doughnuts are not on the menu, but we do have some delicious steak, should it prove to be more enticing to those with certain curses.

The Mighty Lord Voldemort

Mr. Wormtail, the Pudding Dictator Supreme, wants his pudding back!

Mr. Moony refuses the offer.

Mr. Prongs is slightly afraid to know that a Creepy Dark Lord has access to the Marauder's Advice Column.

Mr. Padfoot thinks lowly of food bribes.

Mr. Wormtail will join if and only if fifty megakilograms of pudding are delivered to the Pudding Sanctuary in five minutes or less.

Mr. Moony is appalled that Mr. Wormtail would consider such an offer.

Mr. Wormtail considers pudding to be above all else, good or evil.

Mr. Prongs is afraid for Mr. Wormtail's sanity.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Mr. Wormtail is past being helped.

Mr. Moony does not think the Marauders should let Mr. Wormtail go.

Mr. Padfoot remembers the Marauder codex handed down since the first generation of Marauders.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the Marauders should call a conference with the castle bound Marauder and the castle bound Marionette.

Mr. Moony would motion to officially set the meeting at the Marauder Sanctus in a half hour.

Author's Note: Thank you all for reading. I'm sad that I am only human and couldn't include everything you submitted, but thank you so much for putting it out there. It really gives me some crazy ideas.

Disclaimer: They're not mine, but the experimental pudding curse is.