Konoha Drinking Buddies

A/Ns: ...I say nothing. It just came out, okay? My fingers do these weird things to my keyboard sometimes when I'm not looking. Don't blame me.

Disclaimer: 'Fanfiction: noun. Stories or other written media BASED ON characters, ideas or scenarios developed by somebody else'. In this case, Kishimoto.

Sasuke was an... amusing drunk.

And Ino and Sakura, at least at first, tried to get him drunk at every opportunity. Their reasoning, of course, was in hopes that he would, while inebriated, pick one of them. The plan didn't quite work out, but Sasuke kept coming with them to bars and getting smashed, and Naruto kept coming and dragging Sasuke's unconscious body home.

Oh yes. Sasuke was a lightweight. But it was his moods, rather than his capacity for drink, that were so eagerly anticipated. After a while, a few of their other friends started coming with them for the free entertainment. Well, almost free. All they had to do was ply the Uchiha with cheap drinks, and... well...

Let me give you some examples.

Sasuke while drunk and rude:

'Shut up.' Sasuke growled, glaring at his feet. 'You're... stupid... annoying...' He paused, seemingly searching for words, while Ino and Sakura looked hurt, and then continued. '...Ugly bitches.' he concluded with finality, ignoring their gasps, and promptly fell into Naruto's waiting lap.

Sasuke while drunk and sleepy:

Ino and Sakura sniffled on one another's shoulders, casting heartbroken glances towards Naruto. Naruto himself merely looked confused. Possibly this was the result of the healthy dose of alcohol he had consumed, but more than likely it had something to do with the Uchiha in his lap.

Sasuke had his legs wrapped around Naruto's waist. And his arms wrapped around Naruto's neck. And his head rested comfortably on Naruto's shoulder. His fingers played with Naruto's blond hair while he murmured against Naruto's neck: 'Naruto, Naruto, Naruto...'

Sasuke while drunk and angry:

'Okay, okay, calm down!' Naruto yelped, hopping out of the way of the swinging katana aimed at his head.

'Chidori nagashi!'

'Get out of my bar!'

'Sasuke-kun!'

'N-Naruto-kun!'

'How dare you hit on people!'

'What?! Hit on- Gah! That almost hit me!'

'Arf!'

'Oi! Don't attack Akamaru, you prick!'

'Troublesome...'

Sasuke while drunk and depressed:

'Umm, a little help?' Naruto pleaded nervously, giving Sakura and Ino a beseeching look. He had a lap full of Uchiha again, as usual. And his jacket was soggy from said Uchiha's copious tears.

Ino and Sakura glanced at one another slightly knowingly, and then smiled sweetly at Naruto. 'I'm sure you'll handle this best.' they replied.

Naruto gave them a betrayed look, while Sasuke burst into fresh sobs.

Sasuke while drunk and jealous:

'Er.' Naruto said blankly.

There was a Sai in his lap.

Sai smiled beatifically. 'Hello, Naruto-kun.'

'Er.' Naruto said again.

'Chidori.' a low voice snarled.

Naruto looked up hurriedly, to see Sasuke standing over them with murderous eyes, lightning flickering around his hand.

Sasuke's crackling fist went through the back of the chair, grazing Sai's ear as it passed. Naruto and Sai threw themselves in opposite directions - or rather, Naruto jumped, and shoved Sai the other way - and Naruto hid behind a chair. But Sasuke's ruffled feathers seemed to have settled. The Uchiha walked - with as much dignity as was possible while swaying drunkenly - over to where he was cowering, pulled him impatiently into the chair, and then claimed his lap. He cast another evil glower over Naruto's shoulder at Sai, who was still sitting on the floor with a blank, bemused expression.

'Mine.' he growled sulkily.

And of course, Sasuke while drunk and... ah...

Ino and Sakura stared wide-eyed.

Sai had his notebook open, and was observing with interest.

Shikamaru sighed.

Kiba looked startled and mildly nauseated, although possibly that was something to do with the ten or so cups of sake he had consumed on top of the takeaway curry Lee had brought with him.

Hinata had fainted in her chair long ago.

Sasuke was crouched over Naruto on the floor, with his fists in his blond hair, faces barely inches apart.

'S-S-Sasuke?!'

And Naruto was... confused. That happened a lot where Sasuke was involved.

'Um, Sas-' Naruto tried again.

Sasuke smothered the rest of the sentence in a messy but effective kiss.

After that particular occasion, Naruto looked a lot less confused.

And also a lot more amused.

And smug.

He stopped dragging Sasuke all the way back to the Uchiha district every time, because really, his flat was so much closer.

And Sasuke wasn't always unconscious.

At first his neighbours complained about the weird screams that had started to come from Naruto's apartment at odd hours of the morning, but after they found themselves greeted by a half naked, hung over and extremely surly Uchiha (possibly partially the result of the pain in his ass), they stopped very suddenly.

Ino and Sakura abruptly decided that Sasuke wasn't the one for them, and went in search of other, less... taken men.

Hinata kept the shock, heartbreak and scary inclinations for yaoi bottled up for several months, before having a nervous breakdown. Kurenai reported tiredly that she had been bashing her head against a tree and screaming something about 'whydidtheyhavetodoitthereIdidn'tmeanttoseeI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry' very fast and at the top of her lungs. After spending a couple of weeks rehabilitating in the company of her team, Hinata returned to normal. The next week, however, Neji was at the bar with dark rings under his eyes, and when questioned, informed the world that it was very hard to sleep with the loud howls of a dog outside the compound and someone screaming 'OhgodKIBA!!' at random intervals during the night. He had also sworn off using byakugan at home for the rest of his life.

Shikamaru didn't care. He had slept through most of the bar trips anyway. And thinking too hard about it was, as he said, 'troublesome'.

So that was alright.

...Don't ask.

Freaky randomness aside... It isn't exactly perfect. It didn't come out quite as well as I'd hoped. But never mind. You can't win 'em all.

So. Reviews, anybody?