"So let me get this straight," Brooke says over the phone. "You love him, he loves you, you've slept together - you took his virginity - and you're not together?" She lets out a laugh and Peyton closes her eyes. "That makes no sense."
"Yes, it does," Peyton insists. "Because...it does."
"Oh. In that case," Brooke says sarcastically.
"It's complicated."
"I really don't think it is," Brooke says. "Honestly. You two are basically perfect for each other, and you finally had that amazing moment where you both admitted that you love each other, and you won't let yourself be happy with him."
"It's really not all that simple," Peyton insists. "It's kind of tragic, I know, but it's...It's just kind of the way we are."
"I don't understand," Brooke repeats. "This is so stupid, Peyton. The guy is in love with you, and you're not hanging onto that for some reason."
"We agreed it's just not the right time. We're both trying to just get through our first year, and..."
"You talk every day. Your schools are like, an hour apart," Brooke interrupts. "I just want you to be happy, and he's always the one who's made you happiest."
"Well, maybe that's the problem, then," Peyton says. She's just realizing it, but it might be true. "Maybe I need to try to find that on my own, or in something else, you know?"
"Not really."
"The decision was mutual."
"I think he lied. There's no way a guy like Lucas Scott says he loves you, gives...something that big to you..." She pauses to giggle upon realizing what she's said. "I mean himself. His...You know what I mean!"
"Yes, Brooke, I get it," Peyton laughs.
"There's no way he doesn't want to be with you. He's probably just scared. Or he's just saying he doesn't want you because you said you don't want to be in a relationship. Or he's giving you space because you're scared."
"Brooke..."
"I think you're breaking his heart. And probably yours a little bit," Brooke insists quietly.
"It's for the best," Peyton says after a moment.
They talk for a while about other things. Things that don't seem - to either girl - to be as big as the saga that is Lucas and Peyton. They talk about the guy Brooke's been seeing since October, Julian, and Peyton's happy for her friend.
She wants that for herself, and she doesn't dare say it, because she knows that Brooke will say she already has it.
She knows she does.
It just still doesn't feel as right as it should.
----
Of all the people she expected to break her heart, Lucas didn't even make the list.
But even still, she's pretty sure it's all her fault. And maybe it's not a broken heart, but more of him taking a piece and running away with it. Maybe that's not so bad.
He's met someone. A girl named Sarah who's apparently fun and smart and cute and clever. He was reluctant to tell Peyton. He didn't tell her until they were talking one day and Sarah was in the background.
The tone of voice Peyton used told him that perhaps he should have said something sooner. She sounded surprised and maybe a little disappointed, and he felt like a prize jerk for not telling her first.
But she's the one who suggested they not be together, and now he can't say that's the worst idea she's ever had. It was actually a pretty good one.
Because the more time he spends with Sarah, the more he starts to think that maybe he didn't love Peyton as much as he thought he did. He's only been dating her a little over a month, and he and Peyton are still on the right track, but Sarah is just different. Good different. He's absolutely crazy about her.
Peyton is in her apartment one day after reading an email from Lucas, telling her all about taking Sarah home to meet Karen and how well it went. Karen evidently loves Sarah.
Peyton is jealous. She feels like she's being replaced. The only thing, she realizes, is that Sarah's occupying a space that Peyton never really did. This new girl gets to be Lucas' girlfriend. Peyton never was; not really.
The door opens behind her and her friend Ryan looks at her like he knows there's something going on. She's listening to David Gray, and he knows she only does that when she's doing heavy thinking.
"What's going on?" Ryan asks, sitting himself down on the sofa.
"Nothing," she lies. "What's up?"
"I'll let that slide because I assume you'll eventually tell me," he says, and she rolls her eyes.
She and Ryan met first semester when they were in the same little music business class. It was the only course on the subject that was offered, and there were only 15 people in the class - the bare minimum for the class to even run. He sat down next to her, and they hit it off immediately.
He's a tall guy with red hair and a beard that's trimmed differently by the week. He's like a big teddy bear, and he's always got some strange theory to test, and she's usually the one telling him they're ridiculous. But she likes hanging out with him because he's so different from...basically everyone.
"Whatever. What up?" she repeats.
"I'm thinking of transferring to Vanderbilt," he says abruptly.
"What!?" she almost shouts, turning to look at him.
"Nashville, baby," he tells her with a smile. "You want to work in the music industry, it's pretty much there or L.A., and L.A. sucks."
"Nashville?"
"It's a good school. Our credits are all easily transferrable," he says.
Wow. She doesn't know what she'll do without this guy. She's kind of gotten used to having him around, and...
Wait.
"Our?" she asks.
"Well, I was just thinking. I mean...I know you're from around here and everything, but...It'd be kind of cool if you came with me or something," he says, far more nonchalantly than he should, given what he's proposing they do.
"You want me to leave Wake Forest?"
"Well, not if you don't want to. It's just an idea, Peyton." He shrugs one shoulder.
She's already considering it, though. She's wondering what's left in North Carolina for her.
"Well, when do we need to get our transfer stuff in? And what even goes into all that?" she asks, shaking her head.
He smiles, because she wouldn't have asked him that if she wasn't already considering it.
He tells her all about it. How the deadline isn't for a couple weeks, and he's got a line on a two bedroom apartment since his cousin lives in Nashville and is graduating school this year and moving back to Florida, where Ryan's from.
She looks up photos of the school online, and Ryan says there's no one he'd rather move away with, and there's a moment there when she thinks that maybe there's a spark between them, and she wonders if it's been there all along.
She doesn't tell Lucas about any of this until well after she's talked to her dad, who thinks she might just thrive at Vanderbilt. She's put in for her transfer, and she's just gotten approved for it. It's mid-May, and she calls Lucas, holding her breath, because she's not sure how he's going to take this.
No one else seemed too thrilled at the thought of her moving out of state. Nathan told her it was (quote) bullshit. Haley was sad, but said, in that reassuring way that's so Haley, that whatever made Peyton happy was fine with her. Nathan shouted in the background that it was a stupid decision. She made a note to call him once he'd had time to cool down.
Brooke wondered what was going on that had her running away, but she already knew the answer, and Peyton didn't admit it had anything to do with Lucas anyway.
"Hello," he answers sadly.
Oh God. Has someone already told him?
"Hi," she says. "You alright?"
"Sarah and I broke up," he explains.
"Luke, I'm sorry," she says sympathetically. "Wow. I'm...Sorry."
"She cheated on me. With a pre-med student."
"Lucas..."
"I don't get it, Peyton," he says, exasperated as he lays back on his bed. "I did everything right with her. I mean, I thought I did. And she just...How could she do that?"
She doesn't know what to say. She hates this other girl for a legitimate reason now. She hates that he's going through this, and she hates that if she'd just said she wanted to be with him, maybe he wouldn't have to. She hates that she's blaming herself. She hates that she feels like she might cry, just because he's hurting.
She's really damn confused. Since they decided to leave Wake Forest, she and Ryan have gotten closer and closer, to the point where their flirting has gotten a little out of hand. Out of hand meaning dirty text messages that she wouldn't dare show anyone else, and phrases that she can't even repeat.
And now Lucas is hurting, and she's kind of torn between two boys.
"I don't know," she says honestly. "I'm...I don't know."
"Why aren't more girls like you?" he asks. "You're so...Why aren't they like you?"
She sniffles, because she's full on crying, because he's the sweetest guy ever and now moving further away from him seems like a horrible option.
"Are you crying?" he asks. "What's wrong?"
"I just...hate that you have to deal with that."
"Well, don't cry about it," he says, and she can hear him smiling as she wipes her eyes.
"I'm...I have something to tell you," she admits. "I'm not going to Wake Forest next year."
"You're dropping out?" he asks quickly.
"No. I'm transferring," she explains. "To Vanderbilt."
"What?" he asks after a moment. "You're going out of state? Why? What's...Why?"
"My friend is going, and we decided to go together. Nashville's amazing for music, and I can get my MBA, and it's...just good timing," she says. "Telling you right now probably isn't."
"Well, you're taking my mind off something sucky with something even suckier," he says.
"Luke..."
"Sorry, but...Come on. You can't expect me to like this," he tells her.
And no, she really can't.
"I know," she admits. "I just need your support, okay?"
He sighs on the other end of the line, and she closes her eyes, because she knows he'll support her no matter what, even if he hates what it is she's doing. Which he clearly does.
"If it's what you want, then I'm happy for you. I guess I'm just not happy for me."
"I'm sorry. I should have waited to tell you until..."
"What's a little more heartbreak?" he asks. She doesn't say anything, and he realizes that was kind of a shitty thing to say. "I'm sorry. I don't mean...I don't want to make you feel bad. I just already miss you, and you're going further away now."
She understands, and they spend almost all night on the phone, and they agree to meet in the town between their two schools the next day for lunch. They sit at the little restaurant and talk about everything. His breakup and her move, and he asks all sorts of questions about Ryan. He met the guy once, but he wants to know everything.
He wants to know that Ryan is going to take care of Peyton.
----
She comes home for a couple weeks at the beginning of summer before she moves to Nashville, and as soon as she's in town, she's driving towards Lucas' house. His mom is off traveling the world with her boyfriend, so Lucas is alone.
She really doesn't expect him to kiss her when she steps through the door. She doesn't expect to kiss him back.
It's late at night, because she had to wait for the movers to pick up her things - Ryan's moving into their apartment right away to 'set things up', whatever that means, and she'll drive out after spending time with her dad and her friends.
She notices a glass of whiskey sitting on his night stand, and she can taste the alcohol on his lips, and she wonders how much he's had to drink.
But she can't pull away from him. He's been her weakness for a long time, and as much as she knows - knows - this is a bad idea, she can't stop it from happening.
He murmurs things against her skin that she wants to hear. Things like I miss you and You look amazing and I've wanted to kiss you for so long.
He doesn't say he loves her. She doesn't think that's weird until after, when he's sleeping next to her, and she's feeling like this is last Christmas, all over again. Only now she feels just a little less, and she's sure he does too, and she's going even further away.
They have those two weeks, though, and it's a lot more of the same. Nights in his bedroom and days with friends at the beach or wherever, and they drive that old car of hers with the top down and talk just like they used to.
She doesn't cry when she has to leave, and when they say I love you, it doesn't feel quite so heavy.
He really doesn't know how they can have those perfect times together and still let each other go.
He doesn't know how neither of them ever demands anything more.
----
A month into living with Ryan, and she's starting to question just about everything. They still flirt like mad, and he makes it seem like he's interested, and she doesn't realize that she wants him to be interested until she hears that he's got a date with someone else.
Lucas calls her one night when she's a little unnerved by it all. Ryan's out at some bar with some girl doing God knows what, and it bothers her a hell of a lot more than it should.
But she likes the guy. He's funny and charming and he's just boyish enough to be cute, but just manly enough to make her feel like he's unlike anyone she's really dated. He's a couple years older - he took two years off after high school to roadie for an indie band - and he's seen a bit, and she thinks all of that is just perfect for her.
"What's wrong?" Lucas asks knowingly after a few minutes. She's not her normal self, and he almost thinks it's cute that she thinks he wouldn't notice.
"Nothing."
"I don't buy it. I know that tone. That's the boy problem tone," he tells her.
"How do you know that tone!?"
"I know you," he says simply. He shrugs one shoulder, though she can't see him. "It's Ryan, isn't it?"
"Is it that obvious?" she asks softly. She lays back on her bed and clicks on her stereo.
"I just know you," he says, as though that's the obvious part. "So you like him, huh?"
It kills him to say it, but he's her friend, first and foremost, and she needs to talk, so he'll let her and he'll say all the right things when he's supposed to.
It's weird, he thinks, to be giving relationship advice to the girl he'd always thought he was going to marry. But maybe that's not the case anymore.
"At first I thought it was just that we're living together, and we're in this new city, and we're basically the only people each other really knows, but...It's kind of more than that," she explains. "And I shouldn't be talking to you about it."
"Hey, it's okay," he tells her. "Why are you upset though?"
"Because it's so one sided and stupid! And even if I tell him, it won't matter, and...it sucks."
"Yeah, I know," he says softly. She hears him, though, and she doesn't know what to say. "Sorry. Low blow."
"You could have told me."
"Well, I did tell you," he says, and she laughs.
"Right."
"So why do you think it wouldn't matter?" he asks. He can't imagine any single guy not wanting a girl like her.
"He's gone out with two different girls this week. I'm never on the list. I'm...He's not going to notice me."
"You're on my list," he says softly through the line. "And if he doesn't get it, he doesn't deserve you."
She's on his list. Is there any sweeter thing in the world than that? She doesn't think so.
It's only been a month, and for the first time, she's wishing she never left North Carolina. School hasn't even started yet, and she can't go back, and she wonders if she made a huge mistake.
"How come you're so good to me?" she asks.
"Because I love you," he answers, and it's the truth.
She sighs and closes her eyes and she wishes that they'd been able to get it together. She doesn't know how it's possible to have so much affection for one person, yet be completely crazy about another. She's not even sure who is who anymore. She just knows that she's the really confused girl in the middle of it all.
----
The first time Ryan kisses her, they're watching I Heart Huckabees. It's close to 3:00 in the morning, and she's half asleep with her head on his thigh. The lights are out and he's idly running his hand through her hair. She laughs at something Mark Whalberg's character says, and Ryan smiles down at her. She turns to look up at him, and he brushes her cheek with his index finger. He's never done something quite so intimate, and she gets butterflies in her stomach.
She's missed that feeling. Only one other person has ever given her that feeling.
"You know how gorgeous you are?" he asks out of nowhere. Save for their ridiculous flirtation and endless innuendo, he's never said anything like that. And it's very different right now.
"Ryan," she says softly.
She wonders if this is really happening. She's wanted it to happen for so long, and now that he's actually saying these words, she's not sure if she should believe them.
"You are. You're...so sexy," he says. She looks at him in confusion, and he's rolling his eyes. "Come on. It's not like I've made it a secret."
"I guess I just thought...I don't know what I thought," she says.
She's suddenly very aware of the position of her face on his lap, and it seems he notices at the same moment. He raises his brow and smirks at her, and she rolls her eyes and sits up. He drapes his arm over the back of the sofa so he's kind of open to her, and she doesn't know how he's so confident about all this. She wonders if he knows it's a sure thing.
She wonders when it became one.
"I've wanted you for...basically ever."
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks.
"I have," he says. "You thought I was joking. It killed me."
"You told me you wanted to put your face between my thighs," she says with far more confidence than maybe she should. "I didn't think you meant it."
"Well I do," he says seriously.
"So you want to...What do you want?" she asks, and he places his hand on her leg, his fingertips brushing the seam on the inside of her thigh. She gets a feeling in her stomach that's very, very different from butterflies, and she takes a deep breath.
"I kind of just want you."
"But...in what ways?" She needs to know. She needs to know if he just wants to sleep with her, and that's it, because she's been there before and if she can avoid it, she will. "Because if you just want sex, then..."
"No," he says. "You're too...We live together. I wouldn't do that."
"So you want to be...what?" she asks. "Because I've been in something before when I didn't know what it was, and I can't do that again."
He doesn't know about her history with Lucas. Up until now, it really hasn't had anything to do with him, and she didn't feel that it was pertinent information to share. She knows they'll have that conversation eventually. Well, she thinks they'll probably get to that point.
And yet even as she's said those words, she thinks that she did know what it was, and she would do it again in a heartbeat. But only with Lucas, because she knows he'd be worth it. Whatever he could give, she'd take. That can't be healthy.
"You're too amazing for me not to want to be with you," he tells her. She smiles. She believes him for some reason. "And I really, really want to kiss you crazy right now."
She laughs now, because who the hell says that kind of thing? And how the hell did he make that sound so sweet?
He kisses her, and she wants him to, and she lets herself relax, though she's kind of freaking out a little bit. The last person she kissed is the only person she's kissed in the last two years, and she's not sure why she's taking that moment to think of Lucas. The truth of the matter is, she thinks about him so often that it's kind of just routine.
They end up wrapped up in one another, sitting there on the sofa, and she's got her hand on his thigh, and when he places his over hers and moves it a little further up, she pulls away a little. She merely shakes her head to let him know that's not where things are going tonight, and he nods in understanding, though she can tell that might not exactly be thrilled about it.
"What is it?" he asks between kisses he's pressing to, well, everywhere.
"Nothing. I just don't want to tonight," she says, pulling away from him. "I don't want to rush it."
"Okay," he says.
He tries to kiss her again, but she stands from the sofa and smiles at him as she takes his hand. She leads him to his bedroom, not hers, for a reason she's not sure of, and they lay down together. She curls into his embrace, and he pulls her close, but she can tell he's tense. She doesn't say anything though, because she's not sure what to say. She's wanted this for a while, and she wants him, but given her sexual past, she doesn't think sleeping with him not even an hour after they confessed they want each other is the best idea.
"Don't you think this is intimate?" he asks.
"Of course," she says softly.
"Is it...me? Did I do something?"
"No," she almost whispers. She's not sure when he got so insecure. This really isn't like him.
"Okay," he says. "I just really want you. I'm really...I want you."
She just leans up and kisses him gently, because she wants him to stop talking. These things he's saying are sweet, but she doesn't want him to keep saying them, for some reason. She doesn't want him to think she doesn't want him or she isn't attracted to him, and never before has she had to explain why she didn't want to have sex. Maybe because she's only really had sex with Lucas (Thomas is a distant memory), and she can never remember not wanting Lucas.
They fall asleep in their clothes on his bed, and when she wakes up in the morning, he's not there. He's got an early class, and she knows that, and when she walks out into the kitchen, there's a bouquet of daisies there on the counter, with a note that says that he can't wait to see her later, and he'll text her between classes. It's signed just 'R', and she smiles.
She comes home later that day and the two of them have a conversation about what they really want to be, and he tells her all sorts of moments they've had together that made him want to be with her, and she blushes every time. He kisses her and calls her adorable, and she holds his hand while they watch television.
She and Lucas have been drifting apart just a little bit since she moved. At first it was alright. She'd still call him, and he'd call her, and they'd talk till all hours. But as school got busier and she started spending more and more time with Ryan, things started changing a little bit. Their calls became weekly instead of daily, and at first they made excuses, but now it's just the way it is. They each understand.
But she's terrified to tell him that she and Ryan are now a couple.
She goes home for a weekend in October, just a few weeks after she and Ryan got together. Her dad is in town, and she ditches her Friday classes to take a long weekend. She flies in to Tree Hill on Thursday night and has dinner with her dad in the house she grew up in.
And then she goes to see Lucas, who came home for the weekend to see her, just like he had said he would when she told him she was going to visit. She loves him for that. She misses him. She misses talking to him.
They meet at the River Court, and when he hugs her, she closes her eyes to relish the feeling of being in his arms. She didn't realize how much she missed him. Misses him.
"You look great," he tells her. "Like...so great."
"Thanks. You too," she says, pulling away from him.
"God, you look good," he says again, running his hand through her hair as he smiles at her. "How are you?"
"Good!" she says as they sit down on the picnic table. She can see those three silver words still written there, and she wonders how it's possible. That's some pretty permanent ink.
And she feels guilty for still meaning those words when she's with someone else. She feels even more guilty for being with someone else when she still means those words.
"I'm good," she continues. "School is busy, but it's good. And you know...Ryan..."
"How's that all going?" he asks sincerely.
"We're...we're dating or whatever," she tells him, and he just nods. He doesn't say anything, and he doesn't look at him. "It's kind of new, but it's...it's good."
"That's good," he says, for lack of something else to say. "He makes you happy, so...that's good."
She really doesn't know how he got so strong. He's willing to put his own feelings for her aside if someone else can make her happy. She's almost certain she wouldn't be able to do the same thing for him.
Sitting there with Lucas, she's not sure why she never really dated him. She's not sure why she ever left North Carolina.
And she's not sure why she thinks she and Lucas will never really get it together, and why she thinks they'll never really be over one another either.
----
Ryan decides that he doesn't want to be with Peyton anymore. He doesn't tell her so until he's made a date with another girl.
Peyton, trying to look on the bright side of things, tells herself that it's not so bad because she never loved Ryan anyway.
But it still hurts. Because she was falling hard and fast. As much as she tells herself she never loved him, a part of her did. It's that same part that doesn't want to admit it, and it's the same part that hurts so much.
What hurts the most is that they're locked into their lease until the beginning of June, and she has to live with Ryan until she can leave. And even then, she doesn't know where she's going to go.
It sucks.
What sucks even more is that she and Lucas haven't talked in a couple weeks, and she's not sure if she wants to talk to him. He told her not too long ago, after Ryan went out one evening and didn't turn up for a day and a half, that he had a weird feeling about the guy. She hadn't appreciated that much. She didn't like Lucas judging a guy he'd only met once, in passing, and she said he was jealous, and she realizes now that she was overly harsh and awful and that he was just looking out for her. Jealousy wasn't even a factor.
She calls him, and she tries not to cry when she tells him that she's sorry for the way she acted. It's the first thing she says, and he can tell there's something going on with her.
"What's wrong?" he asks knowingly.
"Nothing."
"Peyton," he says, because they both know he knows her well enough to be able to know that there's something wrong.
"Ryan and I broke up," she admits.
"What? Why?"
"Because he found someone else he wants to date more than me," she tells him.
"Fuck," he whispers. "I'm sorry."
She has to hold back her tears because Ryan hasn't once apologized since he told her about this other girl. A girl he insists he didn't fool around with while he and Peyton were together. Peyton doesn't really buy that.
"It's not your fault," she says, trying to laugh.
But she thinks, somehow, that it might be. If only they'd been smarter about it all, maybe they'd be together. If maybe they had had a couple more conversations and been a little more mature about it all, they could have avoided his failed relationship and her failed relationship and maybe they could have been happy together.
"Still," he says. "I just...What are you gonna do?"
"What can I do?" she asks. "We have to live together until the end of the school year, and then what? What's here for me? God Lucas, I basically followed him here, and I hardly know anyone, and...I just miss home. And...I miss everything."
"So come back. Transfer back here. Or...I don't know," he says. "I don't know what to say."
The way he says it has her thinking that he's just this side of begging her to move back to North Carolina, no matter what, and when she asks her next question, she basically already knows the answer. He's basically already given it.
"Do you miss me?" she asks after a moment.
"Of course I do," he says softly. "All the time. And I hate that I said that about him, and made you mad..."
"No. You were right. That was...You were right," she admits. "I'm sorry I got so upset."
"You had every right to," he tells her. "I shouldn't have said that. I just miss...I dunno."
"What?" she asks encouragingly.
"I guess sometimes I miss...being...whatever we were."
"Lucas..."
She's missed it all. She just didn't know it. Not until now, when she has him on the phone and he's telling her all this and making her feel better from miles and miles away than Ryan ever did when she was in his arms. She doesn't know when she got so stupid. She should know better than to try with anyone else. Ryan was just like Thomas, and she should have seen it. She should be smarter.
She should know that no one will ever treat her like Lucas does.
Suddenly, that feels like it's enough for her. Maybe it always was.
"Being with you just reminds me of how amazing you are," he says softly, shaking his head like it's just all that simple and all that complicated. "That weekend you were home, and you told me you were with him...That sucked for me."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. It's...It's your life. I just guess..."
"You wanted to be a part of it," she offers.
"Yeah," he says quietly. "I always have. And it's weird without you here."
It's weird to not be there, she realizes. To not be within an hour of him and talk to him every day.
It's really weird to not feel like she's the most important thing in his life, as selfish as that might be.
"I think moving was a mistake," she says, admitting it out loud for the first time. "But I have to stay here until June."
"That's...That's a long time to figure it out," he reminds her.
"Exactly!" she cries. "I have to live with my ex, Lucas! How am I supposed to do this?"
"You've always been stronger than you give yourself credit for," he says. "You can get through this, Peyton, and you'll be alright."
She thanks him for being so good to her, and he tells her that he'll always be good to her. They talk a while longer before she says she has to study. She doesn't have to study. She has to cry a little bit and tell herself that she's a moron for never just letting herself be happy with the one boy who's always made her happy.
He's left sitting in his bedroom wondering how in the world he's going to ever get over her.
For some reason, for the first time, he feels like he needs to. Because never once in that conversation did she say she missed him.
----
Peyton withdraws a bit. To be honest, she falls into a little bit of depression. She starts to hate Nashville and Ryan and Vanderbilt and the fact that she has to deal with all those things on a daily basis. She feels like she's just going through the motions, counting down until June.
What's happening in June? She still doesn't know. Her father insists she should stay in Nashville and finish out her schooling, and then decide what she wants to do. But she knows what she wants, and staying in Nashville isn't it. That's all she knows. She doesn't have a clue what she's going to do. She's talked to Wake Forest, and their programs are full for their fall semesters, and the woman one the phone at UNC basically laughs at her for calling and asking about programs there.
She's screwed. She's trapped in this life she thought she'd love, and she hates every second of it.
Ryan doesn't care, she's certain. They rarely ever talk, and only see each other when necessary, and he doesn't treat her very well anymore, and she kind of hates him. She really does. He's turned into a slob, and his new girlfriend is always around, and he's got absolutely no regard for Peyton's feelings.
The night she hears them having sex in the bathroom is the night she grabs her keys and takes a scenic tour of Tennessee back roads for hours and hours, listening to music and trying not to cry over what her life has become.
She talks to Brooke pretty regularly, and Haley every so often, but Lucas has been withdrawing, and it scares her a little, but she doesn't question it. She's done the same thing before, and it breaks her heart to know exactly why he's doing it. He's trying to pull away because he doesn't want to want her anymore.
She eventually stops trying to call. That just makes her feel more and more alone. If she doesn't have Lucas, what does she have? Who does she have?
----
Haley walks into Lucas' townhouse one day early in April. Their schools are close enough together that their friendship has actually gotten stronger, though they didn't think it possible. They do a ton of things together, and they went to all of Nathan's home games and sat in the stands, and Lucas pretended to cheer for Duke, though he's really a UNC fan. Of course he is.
He's sitting at his counter with his laptop in front of him and various books scattered around. He's busy, she can tell, but this can't wait.
"Have you talked to Peyton lately?" she asks bluntly.
"No. Why?"
She almost wants to yell at him for being so nonchalant.
"I'm worried about her," she tells him.
"Why?" he asks, suddenly very interested. Haley smirks and rolls her eyes.
"She seems...sad. And I just think she's really unhappy right now," she says softly.
"Well...I don't know what you want me to do," he says, shrugging his shoulder and trying to make it seem like he doesn't care as much as he does. Because he so obviously does.
"Why don't you call her?" she suggests. He shakes his head and looks to the floor. "Lucas, she could probably use a friend right now."
"I'm not her friend," he says.
And he believes it. It's true. They've never really been friends. Even when they weren't kissing or talking about kissing, he always wanted more. He'd call her his friend, and he'd pretend it was true, but it really wasn't.
"Luke..."
"Look, we haven't talked in a while. If I call her now, she's going to know that I'm just doing it because someone told me to."
"Well you ever think that she might just want to talk to you?" she says softly. "I'm scared for her."
"Well...you don't think she's going to do something stupid," he says, turning towards her a little more. "Right?"
"No. I mean...No. She's Peyton. She's too stubborn for that," Haley says, and they both laugh, knowing that's really quite true. "I just hate that she sounds so dejected all the time."
He sighs and tips his head back. He misses her. He misses everything about her.
But he's seeing someone new, and he knows that telling her so would only hurt her more. He knows how it feels to have her tell him that, so he's sure she'd feel something similar. He doesn't want her to feel that. He knows it could be avoided if he just wasn't seeing someone else.
"I'll email her," he finally says. "That's all I can do, Haley. It's..."
"Too hard because you two have this big history, and you aren't sure you want to hear her voice?"
"No. I mean, I do want to, but...I can't," he says simply. "I just can't."
Haley knows what he can't. He may not know it, but he's still in love with Peyton, and he's trying not to be, but it's not working out. She thinks he knows that if he hears Peyton's voice, he's going to be reminded of all those reasons why he was ever in love with her in the first place.
After Haley's left, he pulls open his email, and he clicks on her name, and he types out a couple paragraphs about what's been going on - leaving out those details he doesn't want her to know - and he asks if she's alright, and he actually feels strange once he's hit send. He can't really remember the last time he felt weird talking to her. Maybe never. He doesn't know when everything changed.
He's pretty sure it's all his fault though.
They trade a few emails after that, and she calls him on his birthday, but it feels a little forced, and he tries not to question it. That connection - that natural banter and conversation they've always had - has dissipated, and he tells himself it's just that they're growing up, and maybe they don't need each other like they once did.
He pretends that doesn't break his heart just a little bit.
----
She's living in her hometown again, and she's a college dropout, and she has somehow managed to lose both her best friends. Brooke to L.A., and Lucas to a stupid, tragic relationship that really isn't stupid or tragic at all, they've just made it seem like it is.
And she still talks to Brooke, at least. She doesn't even know if she can call Lucas her friend anymore. They've just sent a few emails back and forth, and that doesn't really mean much to her. Well, that's a huge lie. It means everything. Every time she sees his name in her inbox, she smiles a little wider. And there's not a whole lot that can make her smile these days.
Haley and Nathan are back in town, and they invite her to the River Court one day, insisting that they've missed her far too much and that they just need to see her.
Nathan works for a while after a conversation, and Haley and Peyton sit atop the picnic table in their jeans and tee shirts and talk and laugh about the things they've missed in the time they've been apart. Haley assures Peyton that everything'll work out, and Peyton actually believes that for the first time.
But then Haley smiles and traces over three silver words written atop the picnic table, and Peyton's heart wrenches in her chest.
"I always wondered who wrote this," Haley says cluelessly. "It seems really sweet. Like, you wonder what made someone do it."
All Peyton can think is that it was written in a moment she desperately wants back.
She'd change everything that came after it.
"I wrote it," she says, before she can stop herself. Haley closes her eyes and sighs. She should have known.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know. You and Luke?" Haley says softly.
"Yeah," Peyton sighs. "Pretty childish, huh?"
"I think it's nice," Haley says.
They both know there's a hell of a lot more to those four words than Haley's really saying. It's her way of telling Peyton that whatever happened wasn't a mistake and she shouldn't regret it.
That maybe Lucas doesn't either.
"I guess," Peyton says quietly.
Haley drapes her arm around Peyton's shoulder, and they lean into each other a little bit more. They start yelling at Nathan about form and technique, and he laughs and scowls at them, then he's challenging them to a game of two on one and they're accepting like they might actually have a shot at beating him.
For a moment, Peyton forgets that it used to be two on two, and it was Nathan and Haley against Lucas and Peyton.
She's walking home afterwards, and she can't help but wonder if it'll ever be Lucas and Peyton again.
----
He knows she's home. Everyone's told him, and he saw her once when he was getting coffee and she was walking on the other side of the street. She went to see his mom, and she's been hanging out with Nathan and Haley, and Skills said the two of them grabbed lunch one day.
And they all say she's not the girl she used to be. Lucas doesn't know if that's good or bad. It's good because then maybe he won't love this version of her.
It's bad for the very same reason.
The girl he was in love with was amazing and perfect and he never wanted to ever let her go. But he did, somewhere along the way, and he's naive enough to think that if she's changed, it won't still feel like fire when he touches her, or he won't smile every time she does, or he won't just turn into that same 17-year-old boy when he sees her.
Loving her was always easy. Being without her was the hard part.
He doesn't love her anymore. So why is being without her still damn near impossible?
----
The first time she sees Lucas, he's walking down the street, smiling and laughing with a petite blonde girl with a funky bob haircut and a bright smile, and blue eyes she can see from a block away. Her breath catches in her throat at how amazing Lucas looks, and then she almost cries.
He never told her he was seeing someone.
She's about to turn and walk away without the awkward confrontation she knows is about to happen, but he notices her there, and she sees him send her a half a smile, and she can't avoid him. She doesn't really want to. She wants to ignore the little blonde at his side, though.
She stands in front of the couple nervously when they meet on the sidewalk, and Lucas lets go of the girl's hand long enough to pull Peyton into a half-hearted hug, and she hugs him back just as half-heartedly, though it absolutely kills her to do it.
"How are you?" he asks once he's taken the other girl's hand again.
Peyton's not sure if he's trying to hurt her, or if it's just something that's happening.
"Um...I'm alright, you know? Just...Trying to deal," she says with a shrug.
"Yeah," he says softly.
"What about you?" she asks. Her eyes glance to the blonde who appears to be clueless to the tension surrounding them.
"Oh, sorry! This is Miranda," he says, looking over at the blonde whose hand he's holding.
"Hi," Peyton says, shaking Miranda's hand. "Peyton."
"Nice to meet you," the girl says.
Peyton glances at Lucas. It's clear he hasn't told his new girl about he and Peyton's relationship. He gives her a shy look and an almost smile and she mentions something about having to go. She's walking away, and Lucas is watching her go, and he doesn't know why he's so damned worried about her.
Well, he does. He just can't admit it when another girl's hand is tucked into his.
----
She doesn't see him again until a few days later. Mostly because she's spent the majority of that time in her house alone, listening to music and trying to believe all those things everyone's been telling her. It'll be alright, and she'll figure it all out, and it's okay that she's taking time off to figure it all out.
By the time Saturday afternoon rolls around, she decides she needs sun and coffee, so she showers and pulls on a pair of denim shorts and a black tee shirt. She pulls her hair into a messy knot and applies a little mascara and some lip balm. She checks herself in the mirror out of habit, but not because she really cares what she looks like.
She walks through town, figuring she could use the exercise after spending her time watching mindless television in the comfort of her air conditioned house. She makes her way along the River Walk, glancing at that old court across the river. She doesn't know who she expects to see or who she wants to see, but there's no one there, and she doesn't really have a reaction for that. She just keeps walking.
But the coffee shop that was always her favourite has turned into some sort of beach apparel store, and she stands there on the sidewalk, staring at the window display for a few minutes until she notices someone walking towards her out of the corner of her eye.
And that's when she loses it a little bit. Her throat gets tight, and her eyes start to water, and the only good thing about any of it is that he's alone.
"Hey," he says tentatively, confused by her rare public display of emotion.
"It's gone," she says, not looking at him. "It was my favourite place, and it's gone. It's all...changed and different. It's a stupid bathing suit store."
"Yeah," he says, because he doesn't know what else to say to her. He knows it was her favourite coffee shop. He didn't think she'd cry about it.
"The last time I went there, I had a stupid muffin. I didn't even get a coffee!" she says, finally turning to him with tears on her cheeks. "Their coffee was always the best. And now it's too late."
There are a hell of a lot of meanings in those simple words, and he thinks he's the only one who might ever understand. She's not talking about the coffee shop anymore. That's not what she's crying over, and it's not what has her angrily wiping her cheeks. He can tell she's embarrassed by the way she turns away from him. She never used to be embarrassed around him before.
"Peyton," he says, reaching for her wrist.
"No," she says, shaking her head and pulling her hand from his. "I'm sorry. I'm a disaster. I'm sorry. I'm just some crazy girl crying on the street. You probably don't want to be seen with me."
"Yeah, I do," he tells her, smiling just a little bit in that way that she always used to say annoyed the hell out of her, but in a good way. "Come on. How do you feel about ice cream?"
"You have to ask?" she says with a laugh, because he knows how she feels about ice cream and it's crazy that he'd even ask her something like that.
They start walking and they're quiet, and she has no idea what to say to him, other than she hates his girlfriend and she wishes he hated her too. It's silly and childish, and she wouldn't dare say it, but it's all she can think about and she's afraid that if she opens her mouth, that's what'll come out. So she says nothing.
"Meltdown over?" he asks, elbowing her gently, teasing her like he used to, though they're both very aware that nothing is like it used to be, really.
"Not hardly," she mumbles. "I'm sorry. We don't have to...You should be with your girlfriend or something, shouldn't you?"
She's bitter, and he wants her to be. It's selfish and awful, but he can't help it. He doesn't want her to be quite so upset about everything that's going on, but his ego doesn't hate that there's a part of her (maybe a big part) that wants him.
He has no idea what to do about it.
"She lives in Durham," he says. It's all he can think of.
"Oh." She crosses her arms over her chest and looks to the ground as she asks her next question, because she doesn't really want to know, but she wants to be polite. "How'd you meet?"
"She cheers for Duke," he explains.
Of course she does, Peyton thinks. It takes everything in her not to roll her eyes. Sure, she used to be a cheerleader, but that feels like ages ago, and she should have known, at first glance, that Miranda (and she even thinks the name with disdain) is a cheerleader.
"I met her after one of Nathan's games," he continues. "She's really a sweetheart."
"That's good," she says quietly. She's positive he'll know she doesn't mean the words. "How long have you been with her?"
She can't even say the word together, and she doesn't know why that is. Maybe it's because she's the only one she wants him to be together with.
"March," he tells her.
They walk a little bit in silence, and she's got her arms wrapped around herself because if she does that then it keeps her from reaching out and grabbing him, telling him that he's crazy and that he shouldn't be over her because she doesn't want him to be. She knows it's not that simple, and she knows that if she does it, she'll just make a bigger fool of herself.
"Ryan's moving in with her," she says after a while. Lucas stops walking and looks at her in confusion. "Vanessa. Who, by the way, he did cheat on me with."
"Peyton..." He's shaking his head. He wonders if people will ever stop hurting her.
He nearly collapses when he realizes he's one of the ones hurting her most.
"Yeah, so that's kind of sucked," she says, starting to walk again because she can't handle the look of sympathy or empathy or pity (whatever it is) in his eyes.
"Tough year, huh?" he says needlessly. She just looks over at him and purses her lips as she nods. "Are you alright?"
"Clearly," she says sarcastically, rolling her eyes because no, she's not alright. She hates him for even asking.
"Talk to me, Peyton," he prods, taking that tone that has always been so encouraging and so infuriating, because he knows she'll talk, and he knows she can't hide anything. They both know he'll look at her like that, all blue eyes and shadow of a smirk, until she tells him everything.
"What do you want me to say?" she asks. "I practically gave up my life for someone who gave me up pretty quickly."
He doesn't know if she's talking about him, or Ryan.
She doesn't either. Probably both, though.
Except he doesn't think she ever really gave anything up for him.
Unless she's talking about now. She is, he realizes, and he feels awful instantly. She gave it all up, not that it was much, apparently, and came back for him. He's moved on, and she thinks he's given her up. Maybe he has. Maybe he hasn't. Suddenly, he really and truly doesn't know. The last time he was this confused, he ended up practically cutting her out of his life.
He's realizing very quickly that was a big, big mistake.
"Home's good, though, right?" he asks. "I mean, other than the coffee shop closing down." He's teasing her a little, and she smiles, because she's missed this. "And besides, I know this little café that makes a great cup of coffee."
"Yeah, yeah," she says, rolling her eyes.
He bumps her shoulder with his as they walk, and she's found her smile again. It's sudden and it almost feels strange, because she's got a smile she only has with him, and it's been forever since she used it.
He buys a double scoop of triple chocolate for her - it was always her favourite - and some plain vanilla for him, and they switch halfway through, just like they always did. She asks him if his girlfriend would ever do this with him, and it's not an accusation, and he tells her that Miranda doesn't like ice cream. She looks at him like that's the most absurd thing she's ever heard in her life, and he just shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders. He's always thought that a little weird, too.
She eyes the last bit of chocolate after she's finished the last of his vanilla, and it's an innocent look that has him laughing and throwing his arm around her shoulder as he hands over the little dish. She smiles as a thank you, and he doesn't ask for much more. That smile has always been enough.
"This is nice," he says as they walk down Main Street with his arm still around her.
"Kind of makes you wonder why we hardly spoke for months," she says, just a trace of bitterness lingering, though she'll be the first to admit that she loves that she has him back, at least a little; at least in some ways.
"I'm sorry," he says. "That was...I..."
"It's fine. I know."
He purses his lips and nods, because she does know, and he can tell. He hates that she has to know. That she has thought of cutting him out, too, and that he's that transparent, and that no one else has understood that but her. No one.
He walks her home just before dinner, and they're laughing together as they walk up the steps to her house, and she toys with her keys a little bit, because she doesn't want him to go, but she knows he won't stay, even if she asks him to.
"Thanks, Luke," she says sincerely.
"Yeah. This was...This was a lot of fun," he says simply. She nods again and turns the key in the lock, and she turns to him as she pushes the door open.
"It's good to be home," she says, locking eyes with him.
She means that it's good to be around him again, and he knows that. He sees it right there in her eyes. He smiles and winks at her, and then he starts to walk away.
"Hey, Peyton?" he says once he's at the bottom of the porch steps. She turns to look at him questioningly. "Maybe it's not too late."
He's not talking about the coffee shop, just like she wasn't talking about the coffee shop, and she wants to scream because he shouldn't say that when he has his perky, perfect cheerleader girlfriend.
And he shouldn't be saying it if he knows she wants to hear it. He's making promises she's not sure he can keep; giving her hope instead of telling her to give up.
----
His parting words from the last time they spoke have given her an idea, and she loves and hates that she has him to thank for it.
She draws up a business plan; two years at two of the best schools on their side of the country have left her capable of at least that. It's ambitious, to say the least, but she thinks it's just crazy enough to be perfect. She talks to Karen, who smiles and tells her it's brilliant, but jokingly says she won't love the competition. She talks to Deb who echoes that sentiment. She talks to the bank and is approved for some small business loans, and she talks to a realtor, and she finds the perfect little space.
It's got one exposed brick wall and a black and white tile floor, and it needs a lot of work. It used to be a kitchen and bath store, and it's not quite equipped, but she can make it work - she's already been approved for all the permits she needs. It's near the River Walk, just a few minutes from the main business area in Tree Hill, and there's a book store next door and a little candy shop on the other side.
And now, between those two little shops will be Peyton's coffee shop, art gallery, and open mic venue.
"Well, well," Lucas says, stepping into the building one day when she's a disaster.
Her hair is pulled up messily, and her jeans are covered in dust and dirt and paint, and the shirt she's wearing - a button down that was his, once upon a time - has seen better days. She's got the bottom few buttons undone and it's tied at her waist to show her midriff, and the sleeves are rolled up to the elbows.
"Hey," she laughs, setting down the belt sander she was wielding.
"This place is seriously cool, Peyton," he says, looking around.
"Oh God. Maybe in a few weeks," she says, following his gaze. "Right now it's just a dirty, empty room."
He eyes her again as she wipes the sweat from her brow, and he notices a streak of black paint on the bare skin of her stomach. He reaches out and touches it, for some reason, and they both laugh when their eyes lock. She always used to end up with paint in the most random places, and it was always him pointing it out.
"You need help with anything?" he asks seriously. "Because I've got a few hours."
He shrugs his shoulder like it's not a big deal, but it's a huge one. This is her life, and her 'dream', and he's offering to help her get it all off the ground. It's big.
"Um...sure," she says, smiling at him. "See all these tables?"
"Uh huh," he laughs. The room is practically full of them.
"Well, I have to sand them all down so I can paint them," she tells him.
There are no less than a dozen tables, and they're all different shapes and sizes, and he thinks it's seriously cool that she didn't just buy a bunch of uniform furniture. He notices a ton of mismatched chairs, all painted black, sitting at the back of the room. She's so cool. He loves this about her.
"I'm your man," he says before really thinking, and she turns around to clench her teeth. When she turns back to him, she hands him a sander, and the two of them get to work.
They spend the next couple hours together, hardly talking, wearing safety goggles and masks over their mouths so they don't inhale anything they shouldn't, and by the end of it, they're both laughing at how covered in dust they are. His hair is practically white, and his black shirt isn't black anymore. She laughs when he stands and tries to brush it off. He pulls his shirt over his head and shakes it out, and she has to reach for her water so she doesn't focus on the body that's even more perfect than she always thought it was.
Her phone rings, and she's thankful for another distraction. Lucas listens in, watching as she unties her hair and shakes it a little bit, letting her blonde locks tease him like when they were kids and he was wondering how it'd feel to wrap his finger around one of those curls. It's not the same colour it used to be, and it's not as curly as it used to be, but it suits her somehow. He thinks anything would.
"Hey Steph...Yeah, I'm home...Well, Tree Hill...I'm starting my own business...Yeah. Thanks. I'm excited." She turns to Lucas and he has his shirt on again, and he's smiling. "Oh. Really?...That's...Wow...No, I guess it's not that surprising...Right, well thanks for telling me...Sure...Talk soon."
She hangs up the phone, and it's all she can do not to throw it across the room. She runs her hands through her hair and turns away from him, wiping her eye though she knows he'll see.
"What is it?" he asks softly.
"They're engaged," she says. "Ryan and Vanessa."
Lucas clenches his fist. Long after she broke up with that idiot, he's still managing to hurt her a hell of a lot.
"Hey," he says when he sees another tear fall. He steps towards her, but she holds up her hands and backs away from him. "Peyton..."
"No. It's fine. I'm fine. It's...water under the bridge."
He doesn't believe the smile she's trying to fake, though, and he just has to ask.
"You loved him, didn't you?"
Her eyes meet his again, and she just shrugs her shoulders as if to tell him that yes, she did. Or at least she thought she did. She takes a deep breath and wipes her face and says, "what's a little more heart break?"
It's a cheap shot, and they both know it, but they both know he won't say anything about it. He's said the same words to her, and she's definitely got every right to say them now.
"You gonna be okay?" he asks gently.
"I'll be fine. I always am." He smiles at her, because she's been so strong and so amazing, and if he was her, he'd probably have a nervous breakdown.
So when he finds her at Tric that night with a few empty shot glasses in front of her, her red tee shirt standing out in the crowd, he heaves a sigh and shakes his head.
He's just stopped by for a beer before heading home, and Skills was supposed to meet him, but Bevin had some sort of car trouble, so he'd had to cancel. Lucas thought of not going to Tric at all, but he couldn't stop thinking about how sad Peyton had looked that afternoon, and he thought a beer might help clear his mind.
Apparently, he picked the wrong place.
"Is this what you call fine?" he asks, taking the seat next to hers. Her eyes are a little glassy, and it reminds him of those amazing moments he got to share with her in her bedroom or his bedroom during those stolen weeks here or there.
That feels like a lifetime ago.
"Talk to me when your ex gets married," she says coldly, tipping back her beer.
All he can think is the only ex he'd care about getting married is her, and he doesn't know if he can even call her an ex.
If she's being honest, Ryan's engagement only had her head spinning, off and thinking of ridiculous situations and scenarios, and all of them centered around Lucas.
Because Lucas could get married next. It's not inconceivable. And she can't even bear the thought of their story being over. She really hopes it isn't.
But it might be.
"You know? You're kind of scaring me," he tells her.
"Whatever."
"I'm serious," he says, turning to her and forcing her to look at him. "This doesn't really seem like you."
"Well, you don't really know me anymore, do you?" she says, and she's right, and they both know it. "You don't have to sit here."
"Do you want me to go?"
"No," she admits quietly. "But I don't want you judging me either."
He lets out a soft laugh and nods his head in understanding, and he tells the bartender to pour them each two shots of tequila.
"Stay away from my legs," she teases, eying him with a raised brow.
"Try not to rip my shirt off," he retorts as he clinks his shot glass against hers.
And it's a struggle, but she manages it.
After their two shots - combined with the four she had before he showed up - she tells him that she can't drink anymore, but she sips a glass of water while he drinks his beer, and they talk about her new business and her any artists she has lined up to display on the walls. He doesn't question her when she smiles and looks down at the bar and says that she has someone lined up. He knows she means she'll display her own art, and she's just too humble to say so.
She gets up to go to the washroom, and she can actually feel his eyes on her as she walks away. She's just in runners, jeans and a plain tee shirt, and her hair is in a ponytail, and she doesn't really care. He always said he loved her looking so simple. She wonders if he still feels the same way.
Or if now he just feels that way about Miranda.
The entire time she's in the washroom, her head is buzzing - she got a lot drunker when she stood up - and she's thinking that Miranda is a stupid name and a stupid girl and Lucas should be with a girl named Peyton who's actually pretty smart. None of it makes any sense, because it's not important how intelligent she is. She just wants to know she's better than that other girl. And right now, she feels a million times worse than everyone.
She walks back to the bar and she doesn't sit down. She stands right next to him and he looks at her, unnerved, and then he gets a little scared, because he's seen that look in her eye before, and it's usually not favourable for whoever it's directed at. It appears it's directed at him.
And he'd thought they were doing so well.
"You ever notice how no one keeps their word anymore?" she states more than questions.
"Uh..."
"I'm serious. No one ever means what they say. I bet they'll end up divorced in a year. If that. Maybe they won't even make it to the altar," she says.
"I don't...Maybe?" he agrees, just because he's afraid not to agree.
"No one ever keeps their word anymore," she says softly, hopping back up onto her barstool.
"I think some people do."
"You're naive," she bites back. "They don't."
"You don't keep your word?" he asks with a raised brow. He's had just enough alcohol that arguing with her seems like a good idea.
Experience has taught him that arguing with her is never a good idea.
"I do," she insists. "No one else does."
"Hmm." Compelling, Lucas, he thinks.
He wonders where all this is coming from. He wonders if maybe Ryan had told Peyton he'd marry her someday, or if he told her he'd never get married. Either of those things would explain her current disdain for the human race in general and her insistence that honesty doesn't exist.
"What happened to me being the girl for you?" she asks bluntly as he's taking a sip of his beer.
Oh. That's what she's talking about.
"Peyton..."
"You said it, Lucas. You said I was the girl for you and you knew it."
"I know, but..."
"But what? You didn't know it? Did you even mean it?" she asks. She's speaking a little loudly, but the place is relatively empty, and the music is loud, and the bartender is keeping his distance, for which Lucas is thankful.
"We should get out of here," he says, reaching for his wallet. "We should talk somewhere else."
She lets out a frustrated sigh and crosses her arms and all but taps her foot as Lucas drops his cash on the bar. He touches her elbow to lead her out of the room, but she's in fine form, and she pulls away from him and shoots him a glare and starts walking a couple paces in front of him. He's always hated it when she acts like this, and it hasn't happened in ages. They'd usually resolve those silly arguments quickly.
He knows damn well this conversation is going to be a long one. And it's not silly at all.
She doesn't say anything the entire walk to her little shop. It's close, and it's neutral, and she doesn't want to be at either of their houses. She pulls out the key and turns it in the lock, and Lucas is right behind her when she turns around.
"Did you mean it?" she asks as soon as he's got the door closed.
The only light coming in the room is from the street lamps pouring through the uncovered windows, and all he can think is that she's beautiful.
And so he answers, "yes," and he means it.
"So...So what changed?"
"Peyton, we...we never had the right timing. You were there, and I was here, and...we were never in the same place at the same time," he explains.
"So?"
"So what?" he asks in confusion.
"So why didn't you tell me you wanted to try to make it work?"
"Because I knew you'd say it'd be too hard!" he claims. "Peyton, you're not exactly great at being honest about your feelings."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she asks, rearing back from him a little. She sets her stance. Her arms are crossed again, and she rests her weight on one hip, and he almost smiles.
She looks just like the bitchy cheerleader he used to love.
Know. The bitchy cheerleader he used to know, he corrects himself.
Except that dammit he did love her. If he's talking about honesty, he has to admit that maybe he still does, at least a little bit. On some level or another.
Or, as he's been thinking since he saw her again for the first time, on all levels. Whatever.
"You don't know how," he tells her.
"I told you I loved you!"
"Yeah. Months after I told you."
"What does that have to do with anything?" As soon as she's said the words, she regrets them. It has everything to do with everything.
"Time and place," he says with a shrug. "We never got it together. And then you were with...him, and..."
"And now you're with her," she says softly, looking to the floor.
And it's not that he doesn't like Miranda. And he cares about her. He enjoys her company. She's sweet and beautiful and she makes him laugh and there's no drama.
He almost misses the drama. The drama came with Peyton. The uncertainty and the heart wrenching words that were all left unspoken because neither of them had the nerve to say what exactly it was they were feeling.
He definitely misses Peyton. She's standing not more than five feet from him, and he definitely misses her. His Peyton. The girl he fell in love with, and the girl he knows she still is somewhere beneath all this hurt and all this heartache.
He wants that girl back.
"You'll always be my one that got away," he tells her, and she has to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from crying.
She doesn't know why he's saying it. She loves that he's saying it.
"I haven't gone anywhere," she says quietly.
He doesn't know what that really means. But she is home, and she is still feeling...something...for him, and she is still gorgeous. She still looks at him with those eyes in a way he's 100 per cent certain she's never looked at anyone else before, and it's really all he can do not to just grab her and kiss her and tell her that he's hers; that he's always been hers.
"What are you saying?" he asks, just because he needs her confirmation.
"I...I honestly don't even know," she admits. She laughs, and he smiles, because it all is a little crazy. He shouldn't care, but he definitely does and she can tell. "What do you want me to be saying?"
He runs his hand over his face and looks away from her, and she wants to kiss his smile, because he obviously doesn't hate her for saying all she's just said.
"I mean...you and I...we're never really over," he says as though he's just realizing it.
"I know," she whispers. She takes a deep breath and stuffs her hands in her pockets. "But why are you saying this? I mean...I'm an emotional disaster, so my part's pretty clear."
He laughs a little and shakes his head. "You're not a disaster."
"No matter how much you try to flatter me, I'll still need an answer," she says, and they smirk at each other across the darkened space.
"Because...you're Peyton, and this...us...it's big," he says. He wonders if she'll remember those words from his first time and their first time. That time.
"Deja vu," she says.
"I guess I lost sight of that until you came back."
"Yeah," she whispers.
And he wants to kiss her. He loves that she remembers such a monumental moment in his life. And that's when he realizes that it was a monumental moment in her life too. He doesn't know how he never understood that before.
"What are we gonna do?" he asks. She smiles at him and he winks, and it just about stops her heart. She wonders when he's going to run out of throwback phrases.
"It's not really up to me, is it?" she asks. "You're the one...You have a..."
"I know," he says, nodding almost shamefully and avoiding her eyes. "But I lo..."
"Can you not?" She shakes her head and holds up her hands. "Don't say it. Not until...Just not yet."
"If you know it's true, then why can't I say it?" he asks with a smirk.
"Because."
He wants to argue with her, and she can tell. He wants to kiss her, and she can tell that, too. But she just locks eyes with him, and what she sees there is almost better than a kiss. Well, no it's not, but she can pretend it is so it'll distract her from wanting him to touch her in very inappropriate ways.
"Let me walk you home." He's smiling at her in that way, and they both know she won't say no.
She walks towards him and he pulls the door open, and it's all he can do not to just touch her. Anywhere. He settles for tucking a piece of hair behind her ear as he stands next to her and she locks the door behind them. She turns her head to the side a bit against his hand, and it all looks so innocent as she catches sight of their reflections in the glass, but it's so much more than that.
"Can I at least say that you're beautiful?" he asks softly, and she turns to him and smiles.
"You never did have trouble with that one."
"Neither did you," he says, knowing that she could either find it adorable or cheesy. The way she trails her hand town his arm, past his elbow, down to his wrist until her fingertips are brushing his before she lets go, he thinks she found it adorable.
And no one ever made her feel like this. A simple sentiment, simple words, and he can make her feel so amazing that she'd just listen to him talk forever if she could.
She's practically sober now, and she can tell he is. They walk in mostly silence, because neither of them is too sure what they can say now after all they've said. To use more words or other words would take away from everything else, and she won't do that. She wants to hang onto things like he knew she was the one, and being his one that got away, and an almost I love you.
"Drink lots of water, okay?" he tells her as she unlocks the door to her house. She looks at him and she's almost pouting. "What?"
"This sucks."
"What does?" he asks with a laugh.
"I want you to stay," she admits quietly. She looks to her hands, toying with her keys, and so she misses the smile her little statement puts on his face.
"I want to. I can't though."
"I know," she whispers. "Hey Luke?"
"Yeah?" he almost laughs, because she really doesn't need to call his attention to her.
"Tell me this'll work."
He smirks and takes one small step closer to her, and he says, "you have my word."
She closes her eyes, and he kisses her forehead and says goodnight, and she watches him walk down the steps and towards the sidewalk, and he doesn't turn around to look at her. He knows that if he does that, he'll be running back up the steps towards her, and he can't do that. He won't do that to the other girl, and he won't demean his relationship with Peyton by not respecting her enough to wait until he's 'single' to kiss her like he wants to kiss her.
He lays in his bed that night but he can't sleep. All he can think about is a girl across town and he swears he's 17 again. He's in love with her and she wants him too, and there's tension and all sorts of other amazing things that he feels around her.
This time, when he gets it, he's not going to let it go, and he's not going to let her run from it, either.
----
It's four days before she sees him again, and she's not scared like maybe she should be.
He gave her his word.
She's sitting at the picnic table at the River Court like she often does - Nathan jokes that it's her 'office' - with papers scattered in front of her and a can of Diet Coke with a blue straw sitting to her left. She's listening to her iPod, and she sees him walking towards her with one hand his pocket.
She smiles at him but doesn't say anything, and he smiles at her, but doesn't say anything, and as soon as he's sitting next to her, he kisses her without warning. He buries his hand in her hair and she moans when his tongue sweeps into her mouth, and he feels her hand land on his thigh. He pulls away only when he needs air, and he's kind of glad there isn't anyone else around, since that was borderline obscene. He doesn't think he would have cared either way.
"I love you," he says softly.
"I love you." Her eyes are still closed, and her words are almost a sigh, like it's a relief to say them.
"I'm staying with you tonight," he insists. He sees the shiver run down her spine. God, he loves that.
"A lot of nights," she tells him, and he smiles and nods his head. "It's still here."
He looks to the top of the table, where she's tracing her fingers over eight silver letters she wrote there what seems like ages ago.
"I know." He smirks at her, but he's blushing.
"What aren't you telling me?" she asks, raising one brow.
"I made sure it was always there," he says timidly.
He pulls a silver Sharpie out of the pocket of his jeans, and she closes her eyes and smiles at him before she leans forward to kiss him.
"You are something else," she whispers.
"I'm yours," he promises
She loves that he'd trace over those words so they wouldn't fade. He loves that she works there to be near that silver sentiment.
"No more heartbreak?"
"None," he insists.
"You wanna go fool around?" she asks, just for old times' sake. Okay, and also because she really, really wants to.
He's got her hand in his and he's gathering her papers as she laughs, and once he's got all her things in her bag, he takes her in his arms and kisses her again.
Suddenly it doesn't matter at all that they've wasted a lot of time being stupid and scared. The other relationships didn't hold a candle to this one that, on the outside, looks only about five minutes old but has been years in the making. The distance never really changed them (it was all the other stuff that did) and they won't let it change them now. Pulling back and pushing each other away is all a distant memory.
He just loves her and she just loves him. It's all pretty simple after that.
Their story doesn't seem so tragic anymore.
-Fin-