Microsoft Takes Control of Ollivanders

In a surprising conference with Microsoft, I, Rita Skeeter, learned that the Muggle computer corporation has a foot in the Wizarding World. According to Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and graduate of Livingston Academy, the American Wizard School, his firm performed a hostile takeover of Ollivanders more than twenty years ago, just before He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named bought his wand. Since then, Gates has allowed Ollivander to sell Microsoft's wands. Today, though, Gates will lay off the old wand maker.

He says, "For a while I was content to have him sell. But now, the truth will be known. Microsoft will create a store in Diagon Alley, where Ollivanders is currently located. We expect to open in time for the next school year."

When I asked if the wands he made had any peculiarities, he declined to mention specifics, but admitted that the quirks would show themselves when the wand's origin was learned.

Rita Skeeter

Voldemort snorted in disgust. "What is a Muggle group doing making wands? They must be good, though, because my wand has served me well." He glanced up at the revolving figure over his head. "You have heard enough of my plans. You've been hanging there for three weeks. That is too long." He raised his wand. "Avada Kadavra!"

A pleasant, female voice came out of the wand. "Are you sure you want to perform the 'Avada Kadavra' curse? Yes, No, Don't ask me again."

"Yes I want to perform it. Don't ask me again." Voldemort raised his wand again. The voice spoke again.

"I'm sorry. That is in violation of Agreement 4629187488939291. Please try again."

"Fine," Voldemort growled. "Crucio."

"We're sorry. You have performed this spell 100 times. To perform it again is a direct abuse of Agreement 74399177878329810. If you have questions, please call 1-800-BGM-WAND. Thank you."

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Voldemort yelled. "What the heck?! That's it! I need a new wand! So I'm going to Germany! They have decent wands there!" He Apparated, and the figure was left hanging, wondering what would happen to him.