A Contest of Kings

...

"Rivalry adds so much to the charms of one's conquests"

Lavisa May Alcott

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Enough was enough.

After three demolished walls, hundreds of pounds worth of destroyed furniture, twenty-eight windows, and thirteen doors in this month alone, everyone in the Order were growing somewhat tired of the face offs between their fifteen-year-old saviour to be, and their resident sour-faced samurai. Every time the two were in the same room it would always follow a very distinct and frustrating pattern. They would exchange glares/glowers, then insults (or growls/grunts on Kanda's part), and then finally blows.

One thing was for sure: destruction, disaster, irreparable damage and certain danger would follow wherever the two went, regardless of the consequences of their actions. In short Yuu Kanda + Allen Walker = The Apocalypse. Which was somewhat contrary to Lavi's theory which used environmental factors, complex math and old English to surmise that they were covertly courting each other *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*…

Because we all know that attempting to disembowel/skewer your enemy actually meant 'I love you'.

After much urging from their peers (or in Lavi's case non-stop nagging), Kanda and Allen curbed their aggression into somewhat safer pursuits. Ranging from simple competitions of speed and strength, to rather bizarre bouts of karaoke and cross-dressing. Embarrassment or dignity seemed to play no part in their rivalry; neither was able to back down once the challenge was issued. In the wake of an aggravating twenty-eight wins each stalemate, Allen had decided to use this fact to his advantage in order to tip the scales in his favour in their next showdown. It was rather simple actually…

He would challenge Kanda to an eating contest…

...

Kanda was (for once) having a rather pleasant day. He'd risen early that morning to train and had managed to perfect a new technique he had been developing for the past month. He ate his soba without interruption from a certain usagi, and had left for meditation without being provoked into another confrontation with the old-man beansprout. All in all an excellent day, which left the samurai feeling quite cheerful…well as cheerful as Kanda could be. Now all that was left was his usual dinner of soba and a bath before he went to bed for the night. However, as it was frequently quoted, all good things must come to an end.

...

Stepping through the cafeteria doors Kanda took in the unusual silence that had replaced the familiar murmur of diners. That, grouped with the fact that everyone seemed to be looking in his direction…correction…everyone was looking in his direction with smug/triumphant grins, was more then enough to send his spidey senses (as the stupid rabbit called them) tingling. It was now more then apparent that Kanda's day was about to go to hell when he spied a group of finders, scientists and exorcists grouped around a bunch of tables pushed together. What they were looking at must have been really important judging from the waves of intense emotion rolling off the group, but Kanda would be damned if he'd get involved with whatever the hell they were plotting, turning on his heel with every intention of leaving as soon as possible.

Unfortunately he hadn't moved fast enough as the crowd split and a certain beansprout sashayed his way towards him, looking for all the world like the cat that got the cream.

"Hello Bakanda" the stupid sprout said. An abundance of haughty smugness laced in those two little words, five syllables.

"What the hell do you want beansprout?" he growled with copious amounts of venom…Hopefully enough to put off the incoming encounter before he really lost it.

"That's not very nice Bakanda, I was just wondering whether you'd join me in a friendly contest?" this remark was completed with an innocent expression and humour shining in the twerps eyes.

"No."

"What's the matter Bakanda? Too scared to fight little old me?" the teasing voice said in singsong.

"Like hell beansprout, what is it this time?"

"An eating contest"

"…" Kanda could only blink at the sprout in amazement as the other looked unfazed by what had just come out of his mouth.

"What?" silver eyes twinkled back at him.

"Don't you think you have a bit of an unfair advantage in this one?"

"Well you had one in the kendo match we had last week but you didn't hear me complaining!"

"You were the one who challenged me!"

"Details, Details. So are you in or not?"

"Fine" he ground out before following the stupid sprout back to the table everyone had been gathered around before. This would most likely ruin his day but Kanda wouldn't go down without a fight. He may be in beans territory but he was going to give the beansprout a taste of his own medicine and put him in his place…more specifically down at his feet and kissing the pavement…

He would crush him…

...

"Okay, here are the rules ladies!" A rather energetic Lavi called out from his perch upon the tabletop, not unlike a commentator in the boxing ring.

"As Allen is the one who set the match, Yuu-chan has elected the food of choice for this contest of gluttons! Each contestant shall guzzle a bowl of plain hot soba until the noodles are completely gone. Then and only then may they move onto the next bowl."

This announcement was followed by cheering and wolf whistles from what must have been the entire population of the Dark Order all crammed into the eating hall to watch the spectacle. Word had gotten out fast after Kanda had accepted the sprouts terms, and there were now hoards of finders and scientists milling around the competition table collecting popcorn, peanuts, and drinks from Jerry's assistants-turned-vendors, whilst money changed hands on who would win (the odds in Kanda's favour were not so good). It had even gone so far that the spectators were decked out in merchandise sold by Komui (of which Reever angrily fumed on how the man should not of had time to make it all) to support their stud, sorry candidate. A majority of the audience were dressed in grey and white (representing Allen's hair and eyes), while a minority sported black and navy blue. All in all in seemed that this would evolve into the most exciting event of the year, or at least be more interesting then the paperwork that had been left behind.

"There will be no kicking, biting, scratching…in short no physical contact between our two brave combatants, this is a competition of consumption of foodstuff not a braaaaaaaaawl!" Lavi was cut off when a certain samurai whacked him in the back of the knees, forcing him to fall hard onto the tables surface.

"Would you hurry up?" he growled.

"Oww Yuu-chan why'd you have to do that?" Lavi whined before ducking a swing from Mugen.

"Are you that eager to loose Bakanda?" the stupid sprout uttered tauntingly. (Obviously the sprout has no perseveration instinct because goading Kanda was not unlike poking a very hungry, pissed lion with a stick while you were in its cage.)

"Just finish you damn rabbit" he snarled before glaring back at the boy across from him.

"Fine you spoil-sport, you wreck all my fun" Lavi grumbled before standing up again and raising his hands to quiet the crowd.

"The challengers will only win the contest when the other has resigned or is judged unable to continue by yours truly. The contest will commence shortly."

Kanda shifted slightly and ran through his battle plan before preparing to gorge himself in a very un-Kanda like manner. After he'd accepted the beansprouts challenge he'd been allowed to return to his room briefly before it began, after all, the skintight exorcist uniform he'd been training in was hardly suitable for such an occasion. Changing into a comfortable top with long sleeves and a loose fitting pair of dark pants Kanda had collected the items he needed while ideas floating around in his head. He knew the order a lot better then the sprout, which he would most definitely use against the boy and honour be damned there was always the last alternative…to cheat…

"Attention ladies and gentlemen, everything is now in order so without further delay, let the contest begin"

...

As the final sentence left the rabbits mouth both contestants took up their chopsticks and began inhaling their food. Allen was throwing back the noodles at a phenomenal pace with the chopsticks soon being abandoned in favour of drinking them straight from the bowl. For those that had never seen the sprout eat before, it was an awesome, as well as disgusting sight to see. Kanda, to the amazement of Lavi, was also throwing back his favourite food almost as quick as the sprout. Matching the bowl for bowl count with the swiftness he wielded Mugen. He'd taken up the optimal position for eating noodles (hunched over the tabletop, nose almost to the bowl) as he shovelled them in with precision and speed.

It was once the tenth bowl had been completed that difference between the contestants became apparent. Allen had not slowed once in his never-ending mission to show the Bakanda who was the better man, whereas Kanda had slowed to a more reasonable pace, now eating the noodles as if he had all the time in the world to waste. Morphing into 'Phase 1' of the battle plan he 'accidently' kicked the sprout in the shin under the table, all the while leisurely eating his food and keeping a straight face.

The result was even more productive then he'd expected as the sprout proceeded to exclaim in surprise/pain and then choke on the noodles. Smirking dangerously he shifted the most important of his supplies into the end of his sleeve, resting it cautiously against the curl of his wrist, as he waited for the 'opportune' moment. Of course at the shout/gurgle of the bean the attention of the entire audience was directed towards their little saviour. As inquires to his wellbeing started to float from spectators surrounding their table, Lavi lay a hardly slap on the sprouts back, dislodging the wayward noodles from his air pipe and freeing up that annoying mouth to allow the accusation he'd been waiting to come.

"He kicked me!"

Mentally rolling his eyes at the predictability of the situation he shifted his face into his patented 'I'm so very pissed off mask version 1' and growled back a thinly veiled, "Prove it!" before resuming his consumption of the noodles.

Again, as predicted, the bean rose to the occasion. Protests falling from his mouth faster then the rainfall that constantly plagued their corner of London, Allen decided to ignore the smug samurai seated across from him in favour of appealing to their self-appointed judge and commentator. Fulfilling his role of the surly, but honourable samurai, he allowed his face to move through the different versions of the 'I'm so very pissed mask' until a particularly nasty remark had him pounce.

Grabbing the bean by the front of the shirt, and shaking a little too violently, he growled a venomous "Cursed brat" before he was jerked away from the sprout, but not before he added the contents of his plan into the bowl of soba though. Still growling as he was placed back into his seat, he inwardly sung the song of victory in his head, as the rabbit bounced between them to intercede.

"Now, now Allen. I didn't see Yuu-chan do anything to you…[Insert 'don't call me that stupid rabbit!' and 'how could you see under the table?' here]…so lets just continue on with the match okay?" This, of course, was completed with a stupidly happy and disturbingly goofy grin that had both of the exorcists rolling their eyes and taking up their utensils/bowl. The restart was soon declared and it began once again.

While it was true Kanda had now unleashed his main offensive against the 'angel of the order', there were still many other rather important issues he had to consider whilst the concoction took effect. The beansprout now had a five bowl lead on him, and he could no longer gorge himself any further. Smirking once again into his noodles, Kanda proceeded to Phase 2 of his evil and genius 'beat the damned Moyashi at his own game Muhahahaha' plan.

Hunching over the bowl, he again started shovelling his noodles out of the bowl, however, instead of making it into his mouth, the soba fell between the tiny gap of the edge of the bowl and his mouth, and to the floor. While this was not a particularly smart plan if someone noticed or heard the soba hit the ground, Kanda was unworried by this fact as he soon made up the difference between the beansprout and himself.

What made this phase so diabolical was the location of the table. The tiles beneath the Order's cafeteria were not all level and safely set into the ground. It just so happened that under the seat Kanda had 'insisted' on taking at the start of the contest, was a loose tile that gave way to a small, but extensive tunnel that made up the ventilation of the floor below. Grinning evilly as he shimmed it open with his foot, Kanda spent a great deal of concentration shovelling the food with his foot into the hole, without moving enough to alert the people, and especially the rabbit, watching him. Now all he had to do was wait until the liquid in the vile took effect.

...

No sooner then ten bowls later a strange expression passed over Walker's cherubic face. Something between confusion and embarrassment seemed to wage war with his features until the discomfort was almost tangible in the air. It had finally kicked in. At this sign, Kanda shovelled faster, out pacing the sprout by one bowl and cackling evilly to himself as the bean slowed down and eventually stopped as his completion turned rather green. A deadly silence fell over the hall as everyone watched with baited to breath to see what was wrong with the practically guaranteed winner of this food contest, only to be broken with an almighty roar when the boy jumped from the table, hands clutching his stomach, and ran from the room faster then you can say 'Crown Clown'.

Needless to say Lavi wasn't the only one confused, as the almighty Walker ran away with his tail between his legs and he had nothing left to do but pronounce Kanda the winner (with a fair amount of shock) to the see of grey and white that gaped back. Allowing the smirk to appear triumphantly on his face, Kanda kicked the tile closed with a light nudge of his foot and marched his way through the crowd and out the door with the stench of victory clinging to him like a handsome cloak.

...

It was not until he'd made it safely to his quarters did he allow himself to quietly snicker at his success. While it was true he may not be the brightest of the bunch, he certainly knew his battle plans and excelled at strategy. He'd won on two fronts today. He'd beaten the sprout at the two things he did best: eating and cheating, and he didn't mind admitting that it felt damn good to do so.

Slipping the bottle out of his sleeve he took one last look at the label before succumbing to a bought of laughter. It read: 'Extra Strong Laxative' in bright red letters, with a lovely warning stating a recommended dosage of on a few millilitres.

The spout had had the full thirty.

This was indeed a good day.

...

"Rivalry is the life of trade, and the death of the trader"

Elbert Hubbard

A/N This is the rather belated prize fic for 'The Light's Refrain' who won tied first place with Novelist Pup and Momosportif and I's -Man fanfic contest. I'm so sorry it took me so long to write for one of the three awesome prompts you gave us, and I hope this makes up for the long wait. Those who actually read this and are thinking ?, or if you are a Lavi lover, take a look at 'A Lullaby for the Scribe' by The Light's Refrain, I promise you won't regret it! And with that said the Momosportif/Sarahfreak contest is finally complete *dances* Thank you for reading!

PS Sorry if there are tones of mistakes, I've been over this a million times and have probably missed something *grrr*