When you put a bored girl and 4:15am together, you get a fanfic that's completely crazy.

It makes fun of Edward a bit, so don't read if you think I might be too mean. I mean come on, it's 4 am in the morning and I can't sleep. Oh, and I have nothing against gay people. Remember that piece of info when you read this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Human's POV

There he was. My target. Edward Cullen. I've heard of him from… the circle. And I'm here to help him. I see him flinch. My eyes have been trained for this.

Edward. No reaction.

Edward! Still no reaction.

EDWARD! GOOD LORD, PAY ATTENTION! He flinches.

I am here to help you. Dooo youu unnnndeeeerrrrstaaaannnd? Nod for yes. Slight nod.

I understand that you're gay. Flinch. I saw that! I just want you to know, man. I am on your side. Relax. We all go through this.

Yes I know you're a vampire and yes I know you can read minds. Obviously. DID YOU GET THAT?! Slight nod.

I want you to look into your inner feelings and stop denying things. You'll only hurt Bella. Small growl.

I heard that! You'll get through this. Breathe, Edward, breathe. Not that you need to. HAHAHAHAHA that was funny!

Anyway, I just want you to know, I'm the only one that understands you. All I can say is; your family will understand.

Annnnnnnnd—

"Hey new kid, why are you glaring at Edward?" Jessica asks me, "Do you like him or something?"

Bella flinches and scowls. I shoot her a sympathetic look. Oh Bella… You poor poor soul.

"Nothing," I shrug, "Just helping a person get through everyday life."

"What?" she asks impatiently.

"Nothing, Jess," I assure her, "I think that the person going through the most hardships, is Edward."

Edward's POV

Oh my god, why do all the psychos have to come to this school?

It's not as funny as my 'Charlie Helps Edward' one but the idea was just there and my mind wouldn't let me sleep until I put it up.