Hi! I was bored and on the phone, and figured I would write a Flash fan fiction, just cause I haven't in a while. So I asked my friend Dr. V-Angela to say something. She started singing 'Lollipop', and so, this thingy was born!
It was originally for the Drabbles and Babbles, but within the first paragraph, I was like, No. So there.
Disclaimer: Truth be told, I don't own the Lollipop song, or DC characters.
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Doing The Impossible
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"Lollipop lollipop ooh lolli-lolli-lolli-lollipop!" Flash popped his lips, and Superman cringed. One hundred and thirty renditions of the Lollipop song could drive anyone to murder, especially when it was so fast that all the words melded into an annoying little song that only he could hear. Everyone else could just hear a slurred melody, and Flash had figured out fast that Superman could hear him. And he took advantage of it whenever they had monitoring duty together. He was hoping that Superman would tell him to go if he was annoying enough. It had worked five times, after an hour of Lollipop, sung off-key, of course, and an incessant tapping of his finger on the arm of his chair. He had also pretended to sleep for a while, snoring obnoxiously loud.
"Flash." Superman interrupted tightly. Flash grinned at him expectantly.
"Yea, Supes?"
"I think you should concentrate on the monitors." Flash groaned loudly.
"Dude, it's so boring it's not even funny."
"Am I laughing?" Superman asked rhetorically, his voice cross. Flash grinned.
"I think I did hear a snicker."
"No, you didn't."
"Yea, I did."
"Then you're hearing things, because I didn't laugh."
"If I'm hearing things, I shouldn't be on monitor duty."
"Stop talking, and watch the monitors."
"Fine, I'll stop talking…" He muttered, eyes downcast. Clark almost felt bad for him, when, suddenly, "Lollipop, lollipop, ooh lolli-lolli-lolli-lollipop!"
"NO SINGING EITHER!" Superman bellowed. Flash sunk down in his chair, as if he were hurt immensely by this statement.
"Jeez, Supes, you could'a just said so. Didn't have to be so mean about it."
"I'm not kidding, Flash.""I know, Dude. Neither am I. Can I go to the Bathroom? I think I might…you know…cry."
"Flash, I'm warning you."
"I'm serious!" Flash protested. Superman sighed.
"Fine, go ahead." Ten minutes later, Flash was still gone. Superman grumbled under his breath, and sent Bruce to get the wayward young superhero. Batman arrived promptly, dragging along an annoyed-looking Flash.
"I'm not that fast!" He grumbled, sitting in his chair. Superman raised an eyebrow.
"You were gone twenty minutes, Flash."
"Nu-uh. Fifteen at the most." Batman grimaced sympathetically at Superman before he left. Superman doubted the Dark Knight even knew how annoying Flash could be. After all, the Speedster was terrified of him- respected him enough to keep quiet during the monitor duties he had during Batman's shift. But during his? Oh, no. It was singing, and talking, and sleeping, and rambling on, and on, and on…
"Don't be sleepin' on your shift, Supes." Came the cross voice of the Flash. Clark lifted his lowering eyelids to glare at the speedster. "Not a very good example."
"Flash, so help me-"
"What? I'm trying to be good." He smiled like an innocent little angel. Clark narrowed his eyes. "What? You don't want me to?" His voice quivered just enough to make Clark doubt himself. For one second.
"Flash, you better be paying attention to those monitors- imagine if there was some emergency, and because I was dealing with you and your shenanigans, I missed it?"
"Yea…" Flash murmured sadly. "I should leave so I don't distract you." He stood, but Superman was in front of him in a second. Flash grinned. "You wanna race?"
"No, I don't want to race, Flash, I want to finish this shift so I can go home and sleep."
"Me, too!" Flash answered energetically, leading the man of steel to his chair and seating him. "A nice comfy bed, soft, fluffy pillow, maybe some sheep to count…." Clark felt his eyelids lowering- he wasn't doing this on purpose, was he? He wouldn't do that!
"Clark." Superman opened his eyes to Batman glaring down at him. "Flash said you'd fallen asleep, and he was-" He struggled with the next few words. "-afraid you'd be mad at him if he woke you up." Clark sat up quickly, and sent a glare at Flash, who was meekly and timidly eyeing the monitors.
"Batman, I swear I'm gonna murder him." Superman seethed.
"Calm down, Clark. At least he'll watch the monitors until I leave."
"Can you hang around here for a while?" Superman asked pleadingly. Batman shook his head.
"Sorry." He started to walk away, and Superman rushed to his side, and whispered,
"How do you deal with him?" Batman smirked.
"I let him go home."
"What?" Superman asked, flabbergasted, eyes wide. "You gave up?"
"I prefer being alone, and with him there, I never get work done. It's a win-win for both of us." Batman answered with a noncommittal shrug. He left, and when Superman turned around, Flash had drool leaking from the corner of his mouth. He squared his shoulders, and approached. As he shook Flash's shoulders to wake him, the younger hero mumbled,
"No, Mama Supes!" Then he opened his eyes and grinned. "So- can I go now?"
"What?" Superman asked, surprised at the blunt forming of the question.
"Home. My abode. You know- where I live? Can I go there now? If Bats can't fix me, no one can," He proclaimed proudly. Superman narrowed his eyes, deciding there at that moment that he would break Flash of his irresponsibility. He would do what Batman had failed at: make Flash pay attention during Monitor Duty.
STEP 1: MAKE HIM REALIZE NOT PAYING ATTENTION IS BAD
"Flash, do you really think that just ignoring the monitors will make any emergencies go away?" Clark asked wearily, eying the younger hero under scrutinizing eyes.
"Yep."
"Really?"
"Duh."
"You're joking right now, aren't you."
"Of course not. When have I been known to joke?"
"This is a serious association, Flash."
"I thought it was a League."
"I'm being serious, Flash."
"Me, too. I always thought the L in JL was for League. I didn't even know association started with an L. My teacher always did say I wasn't the brightest light bulb…in fact, she said I was cracked…" He smiled at Superman, but Clark merely frowned. It seemed Step 1 was a failure.
STEP 2: FIGURE OUT WHY HE CHOOSES TO NOT PAY ATTENTION
"Why don't you try to pay attention?" Superman asked, as Flash spun wildly on the chair.
"I did try," Flash responded, slowing as he realized Clark wanted to talk some more. "And I figured out it was super-boring."
"But it's very important."
"I get that, but you're here with your eagle eyes- why can't I get a few winks in?"
"Why are you so tired?"
"I do have a life outside the Justice Association, you know."
"If it's interfering with your job here, then perhaps you should limit the amount of parties you go to," Clark told him reasonably. Flash snickered.
"I meant I had a day job, but I'm glad that's the look I show. Party guy…pretty sweet." Superman sighed.
"So- a day job," He forced out, determined that Step 2 wouldn't be a failure, too. "And how is your involvement in that?"
"Personally, I believe-" He spun quickly, then looked at Superman with mock seriousness. "-I'm the best one there."
"What do you do?"
"Like I would tell you that."
"I could see under your mask if I wanted to!" Superman reminded him.
"So? Besides, I bet x-ray vision is bogus anyway…I bet you and some guy- probably Bats- figure out what color underwear people are wearing so you can freak them out." He grinned wildly, and, although Clark knew he was joking, he wanted to prove him wrong.
"Red hair. Green eyes." Flash smirked.
"See, I bet you did that when I was unconscious sometime." Clark sighed, knowing he wouldn't win. And he was far from what he wanted to figure out anyway. Step 2 was not just a failure- it was a disaster.
STEP 3: TRY TO CONVINCE HIM TO PAY MORE ATTENTION
"Listen Flash- you said you tried to pay attention before- why not again?"
"You know the saying, Supes….if you've failed once, don't try, try, again." Superman sighed.
"But you work so hard ignoring the monitors…if you put that kind of effort into watching them…"
"Then the world would be safe from all dangers!" Flash said gallantly, leaping to his feet in mock excitement. "Quick, men! To your stations!" He pressed his nose up against the glass of one of the monitors. If he blinked in the next five minutes, he did it too fast for Clark to see.
"Flash…" Clark began.
"Nay!" Flash shouted quickly. "I must watch for sudden danger! Horrible danger! Danger beyond horrible! Danger beyond the danger that men like us know! Because if I find it, I can run headfirst into it! Avast!"
"Avast?"
"AVAST!"
Well. It was a success. Sort of.
"Can you even see anything?" Superman asked. Flash had been nose-pressed to the monitor screen for about fifteen minutes.
"I cannot." Flash answered.
"Get down from there." Flash did as he was told.
"Supes…I'm gonna take a nap, 'kay?"
"No, it's not okay! You need to watch these monitors!"
"The Justice Association can handle this while I sleep for five minutes. Seriously. If the world explodes, wake me up." He was asleep before Clark could retaliate.
"Superman?" Clark turned. J'onn was in the doorway.
"Oh. Hi, J'onn."
"Are you having difficulties?"
"Flash is being annoying. What's new?"
"I am sure he is not being so intentionally."
"That's the point: he is! He wants to get out of monitor duty."
"Why did you not send him home?" J'onn asked curiously. Superman frowned.
"Is that what you do?" J'onn nodded.
"It is what everyone on the team, apart from you, does. They feel it is easier then having to watch the monitors, and him."
"And you?"
"I do so because I feel that time will pass easier for both of us. He is uncomfortable in my presence alone."
"Why?"
"Because he believes- this was very firm in his mind, and I had no choice in the matter to read it- that should he annoy me, I would find an embarrassing moment of his life, and replay it in front of all members of the team." Superman raised an eyebrow.
"Really? Then why not just do that? You know…threaten him with embarrassment or whatever?"
"That is not very 'boy scout'ish of you, Kal-El."
"I have lost all traces of patience of 'boy scout'ishness during the past 2 and a half hours." J'onn smirked.
"If you feel this way, allow him to leave."
"I don't want to give up." Superman answered sharply. "I can do this. He can do this."
"I wish you both the best of luck." J'onn answered, before leaving.
"G'night." Superman muttered under his breath. He returned to his seat, then looked up with glazed eyes at the monitors. You can do it! He yawned, stretched, and fell asleep to the calm videos of Earth.
Alarms blared as Clark opened his eyes, he spun around, searching for what the problem was. A robbery! In metropolis, no less! Of the biggest bank. If it got hit…he searched for Flash, and cursed when he was no where to be found. The robbers were already leaving…it was too late. Wonder Woman was in Alaska, Green Lantern in his home city, and Batman in Gotham. No one could be dispatched in time. He glared at the screen, and crushed the arm of his chair out of anger.
He shouldn't have fallen asleep! How could he have been so stupid?!
"Hey, sleeping beauty. Sorry about the alarms. I was making a burrito, and the microwave broke- not my fault, though-" Flash was against the wall in seconds, Superman towering over him with anger written in his clear hazel eyes.
"While you were making and burning a burrito-" He began, eyes narrow and cold, "A bank was being robbed in Metropolis."
"No kiddin'. They got away?"
"Of course they got away! It's three'o'clock! Who would just be casually patrolling Metropolis at this hour besides me?! And you didn't call anyone because you were trying to work a machine a three-year-old could work!"
"It's complicated-" Flash began huffily, but Superman cut him off.
"YOU PRESS HOW LONG YOU WANT IT TO RUN! IT'S NOT COMPLICATED!" Superman took a slight calming breath, and the tight grip on Flash's lean shoulders lessened. "Besides, the point is that, because you weren't doing your job, those robbers got away with half the cash in that building!"
"I'm not the one not doin' my job," Flash replied, and the grip on his shoulders tightened immediately. He was blaming him? Sure, he'd drifted off, but Flash hadn't woken him up, and hadn't done his job! "Not talkin' about you, big guy," Flash told him firmly. "I was talkin' about Wondy."
"Diana?" Clark echoed. "What does she have to do with this? At all? How was she supposed to know about a robbery in Metropolis if she's in Alaska!?"
"Well, I think that's the point of a Com. Link. You talk into it, and the person goes flying super-fast across the Earth to stop that little robbery thing you're going on about." Clark paused, then looked over his shoulder. He blanched. Diana had roped up the fifteen robbers, and was speaking to a police officer. He turned back to Flash.
"Bu-" He stumbled over his words, and his shoulders slumped. Flash fell the two feet down from where he had been pinned with ease.
"It's okay," He said comfortingly. "Lots of people are amazed by how awesome I am."
"Bu-"
"Now if you don't mind…I have a burrito to dump. Plus my shift is over in about….ten seconds." In less then a second, his mouth was full, and he was holding a charred burrito. "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,1- Whoo-hoo! Freedom! See ya, Supes!" He left the man of steel, dumbfounded, in his dust.
"Um…" Clark shrugged. "Mission completed?"