Warnings: AU and crackish to the nth degree.

Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.

Notes: Born from a comment_fic request; What if Marie met Wade instead of Logan? Which you will all regret very soon, because the AU request crawled into my head and now it won't leave!

Welcome to the Chicken House
by Fairady

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"LOOK at that title! How can you NOT want to read it? That title is like the awesomest title that titled. EVER!"

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I wasn't looking for a sidekick. Last thing I've ever wanted was to be responsible for it. Do you know how much work it is to take care of a sidekick? You got to feed them and walk them and make sure they don't piddle on the carpet when you accidentally forget to let them out of the closet for a week or two. It's a lot of work!

Man, would you guys shut the hell up? Your screaming is throwing me off track here and I got a story to tell before I run out of space!

So, I wasn't looking for a sidekick but I found myself saddled with one anyway. Got a sweet little gig in Butt-Fuck-Nowhere to off some guy's ex for a nice little sum. Found her in some hideous house that looked like a chicken on acid. I wanted to ask her what the hell was up with the house, but the contract specifically stated no contact with her. What can ya do? So, I shot her in the head. Simple, easy, and really boring! Can ya blame me for wanting to explore the dead broad's house?

Oh yeah? You're a real funny guy aren't you? Well let's see you blame me through that big hole in your throat! Ha! Who's the funny guy now, huh! That's right! It's me!

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the chicken house. And let me tell you, you haven't seen obsessed until you've seen the chicken house. Talk about taking a theme and running it to the ground. Everything in there was chicken! From the chairs to the TP, if it was there it was a chicken. Including the big heaping bowl of scrambled eggs in the kitchen.

No, they were actually pretty tasty, but there's something pretty twisted about eating eggs off of a chicken plate.

Should've left after breakfast and gotten my pay. It would have saved me in the long run, but did I do that? Nooooooo! I had to finish my tour and check out the basement. And do you know what I found there?

Are you ready for this?

Seriously, cause this will break your mind. I know. It broke mine and my mind isn't there enough to be able to cope with any more breakage. Huh. You know, that's probably why I ended up doing what I did.

Anyway! The basement. It was a frickin' S&M dungeon. Cuffs, chains, whips, everything you could think of was there. That's not the part that'll break you though! The worst thing about it was that it all fit the chicken theme!

I'll just leave that for you guys to imagine on your own. Won't be any worse than what was actually there.

I was so torn between being impressed and disgusted that I didn't even notice the girl in the cage until she started calling me funny names. Uh-huh. Girl. In cage. Chew on that one for a bit!

Well, of course I let her out. If you remembered, this story is about how I got a sidekick. No wonder they sent you guys out as canon fodder. You guys barely have enough brains to be called proper henchmen.

Temporary lapse in sanity, or is that insanity for me? Normally, I'd laugh -long, loud, and hard because that is just too funny- and walk away. It was the chicken decor that made me do it. I let her out and immediately found myself the recipient of a massive Stockholm-esque crush. Literally. Figuratively. I mean, I got teleportation powers, but I don't got nothing on a sobbing and clingy teenager.

Yeah, laugh it up. Glad to see my suffering is amusing to someone at least. No! Don't stop, look you can laugh with me! Oh. Guess it's kinda hard to do that with perforated lungs.

Long story short -because this comment'll cut out soon and you look like you're almost out of blood- I took the kid home with me. Mostly because I had to. The chicken house was sorely lacking in crowbars and the kid just wasn't letting go. That's how I ended up with the sidekick.

Huh, guess you were shorter on blood than I thought. Pussy! It's not like you needed to know why I kept her anyway. Ruin my rep if anyone thinks I went soft for a kid who sees me as a goddamn hero. Or even if they think that I might like having someone look up to me like that despite what I am.

Nah! Kid makes one hell of a cup of hot cocoa though, and that alone is worth the price of having to listen about which of the Jonas Brothers is cutest.

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