Miko's Random Bleachy Bits Dumpsite

Disclaimer: I disclaim Bleach.

2. The Finer Things in Life and Death

Character(s): Ulquiorra, Orihime, Tesla

Pairing(s): UlquiOri

Notes/Warnings/Spoilers: Crack. With a nod over to the noble folk at LJ's capslock_bleach community.

Genre: Romance/Humor...or Crack.

A/N: I have no excuse.

Ulquiorra and Orihime were tragic lovers. They had decided this.

"Oh noes," they lamented one weather-less day in Hueco Mundo, "our love is tragic and sad and forbidden. Whatever is to be done?"

Ulquiorra, of course, did not say such a thing aloud; he merely stood quietly before his ladylove and expressionlessly observed her silent pondering, for she herself had similarly left the aforementioned statement unsaid. On occasion, her hands would invariably drift towards her chest, as if feeling for the heart she had figuratively given to the fourth Espada. How curious, Orihime thought to herself, that my heart continues to beat. I wonder how it feels to not have a heart. In fact, I wonder how it feels to have a hole at one's throat. That would make me so very sad, for how would I be able to eat? She then realized in whose presence she was sitting and blushed furiously, feeling very badly for Ulquiorra who could not eat.

"My dear captor and love," she announced suddenly, causing the target of her speech to jump at the unexpected outburst, but only on the inside because he was too well composed and well trained in the art of expressionlessness to be jumpy. To be courteous, he raised a single eyebrow as she continued.

"I do believe we find ourselves at once in a tragic situation. No one will accept our relationship. Furthermore, it has occurred to me that you cannot eat, and for that I mourn deeply. Your tragedy is compounded. Tell me, what can I do to help?"

"I have just met you, and I love you," replied Ulquiorra stoically. "However, this remains a double-edged sword, for you know little about me, and I, you. Allow me to assure you that I possess the capacity to eat."

Orihime startled at the news, eyes widening to glittery shoujo proportions. "But how can this be? I implore you, make it known to me so that I may prepare for you the most delightful of dishes, my red bean paste chocolate peanut butter curry."

Ulquiorra, hitherto unaware of his woman's culinary preferences, winced and began to gag at such a description. He casually leaned against the bedchamber wall in an attempt to disguise his momentary lapse of character. "While I am most titillated by such a tantalizing concept, I must decline. We Espada, I regret to inform you, simply cannot digest human food," he explained, carefully rearranging his features so that he appeared expressionlessly remorseful rather than expressionlessly in some semblance of silently tragic love.

"I have the answer, Ulquiorra-kun!" the human girl declared forthwith, throwing her arms out to the whitewashed ceiling for added effect. She smiled winningly. "Why don't you try rabbit food instead?"

"Why don't I show you what we truly eat in Las Noches," Ulquiorra interjected before the matter could deteriorate any further. "Come with me, woman." He took Orihime's hand (or, grabbed her rather forcibly but not unkindly by the wrist; the effect was very much the same) and sonido'ed away before she could speak another word.

They arrived at the humble eatery known as Taco Aizen, greeted by a flickering fluorescent sign and a tired-looking Tesla at the front counter, who snapped to attention at the sight of the fourth Espada and his human companion. "Uke...Ulquiorra-sama!" stuttered the disheveled fraccion, hastely smoothening out his Taco Aizen hat and apron. "Oh, I am sorry! P-please do not tell Nnoitra-sama that I have been negligent at my job! I am-"

Ulquiorra cut him off with a steely yet disinterested glare. "Quiet, trash. That does not concern me. Curiously enough, I am simply here to procure a taco."

Tesla cast a hurried glance at Orihime. "I can offer you the 2-for-1 deal. A special for you and your...friend, Ulquiorra-sama."

"That would be dandy. Hurry up, trash."

"Can I get a side of beans?" exclaimed Orihime, pointing at menu item depicted on the overhead screen.

"These will not be the sweet red beans to which you are so partial," Ulquiorra informed her. "These are refried beans a la Taco Aizen."

"Something new! Even better! I'll take two!"

And so, Ulquiorra and Orihime enjoyed a lovely picnic lunch together, courtesy of Taco Aizen, during which they discussed the finer things in life and death. As it were, their verbal discourse centered around love and food.

It was justly concluded that tragic love and food from Taco Aizen were best.

-Fin-