Oh yeah, I'm a teenage Asian girl who relies on the parents for cash. DO I SOUND LIKE JK ROWLING TO YOU?

Enjoy.

Rule 66

Snape sat in his black chair behind his black desk in his black classroom in the black dungeon wearing his black dress robes to match his black hair, black eyes and black heart. He hated Sirius Black. People believed his soul was black. The sky was black at night. Black roses were the best. He loved the color black, which was odd because he didn't love many things; but it wasn't as if many things loved him… Why wasn't that Black Dahlia murder solved? He had a best friend who was black! No racial.

Random thoughts stumbled into his mind. What was the weather like outside of the dungeon? Why was it so damp down here? Why does everyone hate me? Hmm. He touched his greasy hair. He had been saying for the past week, "I need to take a bath!" but he never got around to doing it. Oh well, he could get to it later.

Unless he forgot again…

"Is five inches long?" he asked himself aloud. It was unfortunate, however, that he was inside a full classroom of sick-minded teenagers.

The class doubled over at the question and he was confused. Sure, he was a dark, cold, bitter, stupid, evil, hated, traitorous, depressed... What were we talking about? Oh right. How, in Merlin's name, was that question funny?

Someone in the back of the classroom decided to be smart and yelled, "Your "wand" must be pretty small, Snape!" It sounded like Finnegan! There was no mistaking that Irish accent. He would punish him for sure. Everyone clutched their sides harder, except for Hermione who looked up from her book to mutter, "Immature sods" to herself in her "I'm too smart for this" tone of voice.

Killjoy!

Severus raised an eyebrow. What did that have to do with anything? "My wand is a lot longer than five inches, Finnegan." The children gagged, laughed, and spat in disgust.

"Too much information, sir!" cried Lavender Brown, covering her face in shame.

Snape was thoroughly confused. "I was just correcting Mr. Finnegan, Miss Brown." He turned to the class. "What is wrong with all of you?"

Heads turned to one another, some still snickering. They had silent conversations with each other right before his eyes and he still did not understand what the hell was so funny.

No matter, he thought. Legilimency was always a great spell.

Snape's eyes positively popped out of their sockets. Honestly, the minds on these children! Tiny brains were bad enough, but they were filled with absolutely filthy thoughts. "That's not what I meant, you idiots!" he growled. A bell indicated that class was over, and Snape sighed in relief. "Your essays are due tomorrow. Turn it in tomorrow, or don't turn it in at all. I don't accept late work. Now leave, you pathetic children."

It was lunch time. Snape glided to the Great Hall for nourishment. But maybe he should've taken that shower first… Oh well, he can do it later, if he remembered. Walking to the Professor's table was always an interesting trip. Students always stared at him like he was some circus act!

He was not a bearded lady, a dude with a dummy, or a lion tamer, so what was so interesting about him? Honestly, he was just a normal potions teacher. But no! Everyone had to judge him.

Snap had feelings too! But that was apparently too hard to believe. He finally reached his seat and sat down. He plated some food, and tried to stomach it down when the owls came hooting in. He looked up and saw his own black owl flying towards him! Funny, he never got mail.

His owl dropped a box onto his head with a clunk! He picked it up from the floor where it landed. It was a regular brown box with no name on it. There was a note attached, however. It read;

"Severus Snape;

You need this."

Maybe it was the raise he had been asking for! Or maybe it was his new cloak. Maybe it was his subscription to Sexy Wizards Weekly that Minerva promised to purchase for him! If it was the last option, he'd have to wait until later to open his piece of mail. He took his box and left the table.

Snape was never a patient man.

He hated the fact that he couldn't apparate on school grounds. He was out of breath by the time he was back to his room. Snape was severely out of shape; even more so than Umbridge, and that was saying something.

Once he was safe inside the confines of his dreadful, but homey, bedroom, he ripped open the package.

"Please be Sexy Wizards Weekly, please be Sexy Wizards Weekly…" he whispered.

His hopeful half-smile dissipated into a frown, which transformed into a sneer, which morphed into a full on hateful facial contortion.

"What the hell is the meaning of this!?" He shoved the contents of his mail into his pocket and stormed gracefully to his classroom, radiating more evil and anger than usual. Students cowered in fear. Snape took advantage of his legilimency and read the minds of each of his students. Most thoughts were similar. "What's got Snape's wand in a knot?" "Snape looks constipated." "Oh my god, Cedric Diggory's so cute!"

Stupid teenage hormones. After reading over a hundred minds, he caught one person in his last hour of class.

"Weasley!" Snape screamed. He caught the student off guard, and he jumped out of his seat, onto his feet.

"Yes, sir!" the boy wimpered. Snape pulled out the mail from his pocket and threw it onto the table.

"Did you put this in my mail?" he asked darkly. The boy began to perspire profusely, and his hands shook. "Well?!" The boy didn't open his mouth. What a fool. "There's no use lying, Longbottom. Just tell me the damned truth!"

"Fine!" Neville cried. "I sent you the bloody shampoo." Snape grunted as the rest of the class watched in awe. "But it was for your own good. You need to take a bath, you filthy man. Have you smelled yourself lately?!" Neville's peers laughed, and Snape's face turned red from anger.

Snape was shocked, embarrassed, and ashamed for a split second, but he recovered. He sneered. "I will not tolerate any back talk, Mr. Longbottom. 50 points from Gryffindor and detention for a week."

Neville returned to his seat muttering, "If he takes a bath, then this detention better be worth it…" His classmates applauded and cheered for Neville.

Snape gritted his teeth, and glared at his "wonderful" students. He finally spat, "Class dismissed." When the last person left his classroom, he grabbed the shampoo. Selsun Blue. Hmph. He stood up and tossed the blue bottle into the rubbish bin.

He'd bathe whenever he wanted; he didn't need to please anyone.

Rule 66; It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.