When you come back into consciousness you don't bother to open your eyes. What's the point anymore? You're tired and you're in pain and you don't care anymore. Your eyelids are heavy and you just want to sleep, so you keep your eyes shut and drift back into unconsciousness.

The next time you wake up your head is clearer and there's less pain, but you still don't open your eyes. You feel warm and you're comfortable and you're sure that it's all in your imagination, so you keep your eyes closed because you don't want to shatter this illusion. This illusion is nice. You like illusions. You decide to go back to sleep. You're life has become about waiting. Waiting to wake up. Waiting to be hurt. Waiting waiting waiting. You keep your eyes shut and you sleep.

The next time you wake up it's not your own doing. You hear noises that stir you from your slumber and you sigh. You don't open your eyes, but you brace yourself for the pain.

Jim.

You sigh again. Why must you keep having this dream.

Jim, I know you're awake. I need you to open your eyes.

Sigh.

Go away, Bones. I don't want to have this dream.

It's not a dream, Jim. Open your eyes, you're on the Enterprise.

You laugh. On the Enterprise. Now you're dreams are taking you to the Enterprise. Great.

Go away, Bones. I just want to sleep.

You keep your eyes closed.

Please, Jim.

He sounds so sad.

Please, open your eyes.

You sigh.

I don't want to open my eyes and see the Enterprise. I don't want to have that and have it be taken away from me when I really wake up.

It'll still be here, Jim.

It won't.

I promise you it will be.

Yeah, you would. But it won't.

Jim.

I just want to sleep.

Okay.

You drift back to sleep and hope that the next time you wake that Bones isn't there. You're not sure how much of this your heart can handle.

When you wake up next time everything is quiet. You're still warm and your pain is still less, but this isn't real. This is an illusion. You hear him again.

Jim.

You sigh.

Why wont you leave me alone?

Because I can't. Because I'm here. Because I need you to believe me.

You can't be here, Bones. I saw you die.

You hear him sigh. He's dead and he's not here and he sighs.

Just open your eyes, Jim.

I don't want to.

I know, but please.

He's sad. Always sad. You open your eyes and he's there next to you. His hair's messed up and his eyes are sad and watery, but he's there.

I hate seeing you.

Why?

Because you're not real. I saw you die.

You didn't. That wasn't real. They made you think that it was, but it wasn't.

I don't believe you.

You should.

I can't. I wish I could, but I can't.

A tear falls down his face.

I don't want to go to sleep and wake up and have this not be real.

You won't.

You sigh again.

But I will.

Why can't I make you believe me.

Because it hurts too much to hope.

Another tear. You reach out and wipe it away. You feel the wetness. Something pulls at your arm and you look down and see an IV connected to you. You frown at it. He speaks.

You were dehydrated and malnourished when we found you. That's helping to make you better.

You nod. It's not real. When you wake up he wont be there and you'll be in your cell and you'll be in pain and soon you'll die. You look forward to death. It has to be better than this. He takes a deep breath and keeps talking.

You were badly hurt. Four broken ribs, three fractured. Your leg was broken in three places, but I'm sure you knew that. Your arm was broken and your shoulder dislocated. I've mended all the bones, but it'll still be painful for a little while. You also had a bad concussion, but I've been keeping an eye on it and you'll be fine. You had bruises and scratches covering most of your body, but most of them have been healed. I have you on painkillers now, that's why you're so groggy.

You nod. You don't believe him, but you nod. He speaks again.

I'm sorry.

Why?

I'm sorry we took so long to find you. We looked. We looked for days and days.

It's okay.

Another tear.

It's not okay. You're not okay. You don't even believe that you're really here and I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. I wish I could really tell you that I don't blame you.

Jim...

I wish I could see you again.

Another tear.

How can I make you believe me?

You can't. I want to sleep.

That's okay.

I don't want you to be here when I wake up.

I will be, though.

No, you won't. And that's alright.

You close your eyes. You close your eyes and you're back in your cell. It's cold and it's damp and you're scared and broken. Bones is dead, he's dead and your crew is gone and you're alone. Alone alone alone. There's noises, loud noises, quiet noises, noises coming from everywhere and you're shaking. You don't want to be here. You want your illusion back. You want your dream Bones to be there again, telling you lies, making you feel safe. It's not real when he's there. It can't be. You saw him die and it's not real. What you see now is what's real. This coldness and darkness and your fear is real. It's not fair. You don't want to be here, but you are. That was a dream and this is reality.

You move around, but you feel no pain. There's always pain here and you're confused. Are you dreaming again? Is Bones about to walk through the door to try and save you before dying? You're confused and you're scared and you want this to stop. You lay your head back down and you close your eyes. You wait for Bones, but he never comes. You hear the noises and you wait for them to come and take you away. You wait for the pain to return. But it doesn't and they don't and you're confused. You're confused and you're scared. Your eyes are closed and you wait for unconsciousness, because then you'll see Bones. You hear the door open and your heart races. You expect to hear Bones' voice say your name, but you don't. You just hear their laughter. They're here to hurt you again and you don't want them to. They're laughing laughing laughing and you're shaking and you're scared.

Jim.

You hear him, but you can't see him. You want him to be here, because even when it's a dream he makes you feel safe.

Jim, calm down.

You try to do what the voice tells you to do, but they're here and they're laughing and they're going to hurt you. Your heart is racing and you're shaking and you want to be dreaming again.

Jim, wake up.

Wake up? You're already awake. You try to tell the voice, but it doesn't listen, just tells you to wake up again. You laugh. It's not funny, but you laugh. They're closer now, they're right in front of you. They're ugly and they're laughing and they're right in front of you. They reach out to you and you feel them touch your arm and you gasp and you shoot up and he's there. Bones is there and he's holding your arm and he's there.

Jim.

He's there.

It was just a dream. You're awake now, and you're alright.

You're confused. You're looking into his eyes and he's holding onto your arm and you're in sickbay, on the ship, on your ship and you're confused.

Bones?

Yeah, Jim, it's me.

You're not real?

No, I am real, Jim. You were dreaming. You're safe now. You're on the Enterprise and you're safe.

You stare at him. His eyes are sad and there's tears building up and you want to believe in this dream.

I'm confused.

It's alright. You have a concussion and it's not helping. You've been through a lot, but you're safe now.

You're real.

I am.

I want to believe you.

You can feel tears building up, but you wont let them fall. You haven't cried yet and you're not going to start now.

Believe me.

I want to, but it hurts when it's not real.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

He moves his hand off your arm and holds your hand. You're still sitting up and he sits down on the bed next to you. He speaks.

I'm real.

He takes your hand and holds it over his heart.

Feel me. I'm real. And I'm not going away.

You rest your hand over his heart and feel the beat. It's strong and it's steady. Beat, beat, beat. His hand is warm on yours and you want to believe.

Kiss me.

What?

Kiss me. I want you to kiss me. You never kiss me in my dream, except for that last time. I want you to kiss me again. I want to believe you're real.

He nods and he leans in toward you and you lean toward him and he kisses you and you kiss him. It's soft and it's sweet and it's warm and he's there and you want to believe. He's holding onto your hand and you tighten your grip and he's there. You close your eyes and you feel. You keep feeling and holding his hand because you're afraid if you stop you'll wake up again and he wont be there.

He pulls away and you open your eyes and he's there and he's looking at you and you look into his eyes and they're hazel. There's green and there's brown and he's there and he's real.

You're really here.

I am.

You're breath hitches and you're tired, but you're afraid to go to sleep. Your eyes start to drift close and he notices.

You can sleep.

I'm afraid.

I know, but I'm here.

You promise?

I do.

Okay.

You close your eyes and you sleep and you don't dream, you just sleep. There's nothing reminding you of that place, and there's no Bones convincing you that he's real before dying. You just sleep and when you wake up you're warm and there's a hand in yours. You open your eyes and turn your head.

You're still here.

Yes.

I'm glad.

You look around and you're not in sickbay anymore and you panic for a second before realizing you're in your quarters on your ship. On the Enterprise. He speaks.

Spock helped me move you here. We thought it would be more comfortable for you.

You nod and you smile and you squeeze his hand. You're thankful for the continued contact. It helps to anchor you and helps you believe this is still real. He's sitting next to you on the bed and he leans down and he kisses you and you kiss him back. He tries to pull back, but you grab his head and you keep kissing him. You let him go and you look into his eyes.

I want to feel you.

I'm right here, Jim.

In me. I need to feel you. I want you to fuck me.

Jim, you're hurt.

I'm not.

You want this. You need this. You need him to be real, in every way.

Jim...

Please.

I don't want to hurt you.

You won't.

You were hurt really bad, Jim. You're still recovering.

You'll be careful.

Jim...

Please.

You stare at him and he stares at you. You want this to be real. You've almost convinced yourself it is. He's here and you can feel him and you can kiss him and he's here.

I just want to know this is real.

It is real, Jim.

Please.

You pulls him down again and you kiss him. It's soft and it's sweet and it's warm and he's here.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah, but we go slow. You're hurt and I don't want to hurt you more. I don't know why you need this and I'm not going to argue, but we go slow.

Okay.

He helps you take your shirt and your boxers off and it hurts. Your ribs hurt and your shoulder hurts, but it's a dull hurt. Nothing compared to how it used to feel. He's careful, though and the pain is over quickly. He takes his clothes off faster and grabs some lube and starts to prepare you. He takes his time and you're glad. You don't care about his pace, you just want to feel.

You're still soft and he grabs your length and strokes and tries to get you hard, but it doesn't work and that's okay.

Jim?

It's fine.

But you're...

I don't care.

You're sure?

Yes.

He nods and removes his fingers before coating himself and pushing in slowly. You feel him as every inch goes in and you close your eyes and just feel. He's here and you can feel him and he's real. You wrap your legs around him and he moves slow, in and out and in and out. He's careful and he's slow and it feels good. You can feel him and he's real. He's hits your prostate and it feels good, but you're still soft, and it's still okay. He seems to understand that this is about you feeling and he keeps moving slowly, in and out and in and out.

He leans down and he kisses you and you moan into his kiss. You missed his kisses. You missed everything about him. You missed how he made you feel safe and warm and loved. You moan into his kiss and you kiss him back. He's still moving slow, in and out and in and out. Making love to you and making you feel safe and warm and loved.

He's close and you know he's close, but he's trying to hold on for you and you love him for that. He keeps moving slowly, even though you know he wants to speed up. You kiss him again before looking into his eyes.

Let go.

You sure?

Yes.

His speed picks up marginally and soon he's coming in you and you feel his cum filling you and you love that it's another thing that you can feel. You drop your legs from around him and he pulls out slowly. He makes sure to keep touching you somehow while he moves and settles himself next to you on the bed. He pulls you tight into his arms.

This is real.

It is.

You lean into his embrace.

You'll be here when I wake up.

I will.

Because you're real.

Yes.

Okay.

You take a deep breath and bury your head into his chest. For the first time since this began you allow yourself to cry.