My heart pounds as I walk slowly down the hallway towards Chekov's quarters. I hate this part. Being the bearer of bad news. It's times like these where everyone figures that since I'm the captain, I should know how to handle everything, how to fix anyone.

It's times like these where I want to scream at them, I'm human! I can't do it all!

It's times like these where I really kind of hate my job.

I knock on the ensign's door. "It's the captain."

"Come in."

I wish he didn't sound so cheerful right now. I wish he were quietly working hard, at least occupied with something to distract him when I had to leave him alone to wallow in whatever emotions he felt.

For a moment, I can't bring myself to move. Then the door opens, and I realize I can't just stand there like an idiot.

Chekov is indeed occupied, fiddling around with something on his desk. He stands when he sees me and his face falls. "Hello, Captain." Something in his accent is dark, like he knows this isn't good.

"Hello, Chekov." I nod at him.

A small grin erupts again on his face as he sits on the edge of his bed, gesturing for me to take the seat at the desk chair across from him. "Please, call me Pavel."

I don't smile back as I sit. "There's something I need to tell you."

"I thought so."

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this…" I have to take a moment to compose myself. Maybe I should have waited longer before coming here, just for a moment to compose myself. But maybe we don't have a moment to spare…

The fear that grips the young Russian is obvious. His whole body tenses as if preparing to be hit. His eyebrows raise in alarm, and that almost makes me lose what little composure I have. "Is bad news?"

I nod, trying to keep my breathing even. "It's really bad, Pavel."

He grips the edge of the bed tightly, physically bracing himself. The gesture brings tears stinging to my eyes.

"Tell me," he whispers. "I can take it."

"It's Sulu."

Chekov inhales sharply, his breath shaky. He is obviously trying to keep his self-control in front of me, his captain. "What… Is he all right?"

No, I think sharply, but I remain silent. The realization hits me hard. He's not all right.

My silence is apparently the worst part for the ensign. "Is he alive?"

I can't answer, as much as he needs me to. My throat is closed up with tears for the crewman I may have lost, and the one I am losing right before my eyes. I want to shout at some higher power, scream into the black of space, HE'S JUST A FUCKING KID! at the injustice of it all. But I can't say anything.

"Captain." I think I hear a quiet sob, but his face is buried in his hands. "Please answer-"

"I am so sorry." It's the only thing I can think to say, and it leaves my lips before I realize it. "I'm so, so sorry."

Chekov stands, and suddenly I feel so small and insignificant that it's like I am the one who's like a child here. "Is. He. Alive." His words are carefully enunciated, and this gesture finally pushes me over the edge.

"I don't know, goddammit!" I scream as I leap to my feet. "I don't fucking know!"

My outburst makes both of us lose the last semblances of equanimity. Chekov bursts into loud, childish sobs and I finally allow tears to run down my cheeks.

It finally hits me- I don't know what to do. A part of me was hoping I could just leave a note on the door to his quarters: Sorry your best friend is dead. See you tomorrow on the bridge.

But now he's crying and I'm crying and I don't have half a clue what to do. I awkwardly step forward and wrap my arms around him. He cries into my shoulder as I uneasily rub circles into his back.

"I'm so sorry, Pavel. He's in medbay. We don't know… McCoy doesn't know if he's going to make it."

After a minute, Chekov manages to control his breathing, although he can't stop the tears that are falling on his reddened cheeks. "How?"

"We don't know exactly. He and a landing party were exploring the planet, and they got attacked. We don't know how or why or by what, but he's the only one who's still alive. And barely."

I don't mean to be harsh, but I need to make him realize that Sulu needs him there.

"May I see him?"

I nod, and he nods back in acknowledgement as he runs out of the room.

I stand there for a moment, rubbing a hand over my face and brushing away stray tears. I can allow myself a minute to cry later. Right now, I have a ship to captain.

I have one last thought as I turn out the lights and leave the room.

Some days, I really hate my job.

***

A/N: Okay, is it obvious that this is my first Star Trek fanfic? I just wanted some Chekov and Kirk, hurt/comfort type thing. Should I leave it at this? Should I continue it? If it goes on, expect Sulu and Chekov talking in medbay and Spock and Kirk talking about… well, I'm not sure yet. Just let me know what you think.