Bullshit.

This was absolute bullshit, Shikamaru thought as he gazed at his living room ceiling.

He let out a long sigh as his eyes flicked over to the clock on the wall. It had just turned midnight. That made it twenty-seven days he had been stuck like this. As he turned on his side to face the back of the couch he felt the bones in his back crack in discomfort. He inwardly bemoaned the fact that Temari hadn't let him buy the comfy living room sofa he wanted. Being primarily concerned with their budget his wife had insisted that money for food was more important than shelling out for a back friendly chair. He knew he shouldn't have given up on that argument. And it was for precisely this reason. There was no way he would ever kick her out of their bedroom. He'd spent long enough in his youth trying to get the troublesome woman in there in the first place. There was no way he would ever have given her a look that made a person's insides melt and slammed the bedroom door with enough force that the aforementioned living room clock was as a result, a replacement.

She'd kicked him out before. He was actually surprised that it hadn't happened more and treated himself to a nice drink of sake when he made it through the first whole year of their marriage without being maimed, divorced or buried in sand. The first time his beautiful wife denied him entrance to their bedroom was all Inuzuka's fault.

It was about four months after their first year anniversary that Shikamaru attended Chouji's bachelor party. His best friend had finally raised enough money for the ring Ino wanted and was as a result, after asking three times with the wrong ring, granted her hand. After the second time he was turned down, Shikamaru would have been tempted to tell Chouji to give up the gig if it weren't for the fact that he himself had had to ask Temari to marry him a total of four times.

He decided he was going to do things properly and went all the windswept, dirt covered, ninja endangered way to Suna to ask Gaara's permission. Funnily enough, asking Gaara for Temari's hand was the easiest part of the "proposal ordeal" as his father had so lovingly nicknamed it. He received a glare, a sigh, a six second pause in which Shikamaru nervously checked for signs of sand grains, and finally an, "Okay". That was all Shikamaru needed and he got the hell out of that office as fast as he could. People, his fellow Konoha ninja included, thought Temari was the sole owner of the death glare. But he had a feeling this was only because no one had ever provoked Gaara enough to actually be on the receiving end of his own particular brand of eye torture. Temari's glare; yes, it made his insides melt and he knew automatically that all major activity must be stopped as soon as possible because he was doing something to annoy his beloved. But Gaara. Shikamaru wasn't surprised Sasuke had went running for shelter behind Orochimaru after his encounter with Gaara.

Either way after receiving the Kazekage's permission, he went about planning the perfect proposal. He had honestly meant to do it in Konoha, maybe under the clouds near to his family's grounds. But that night, when he and Temari went stargazing in the sand dunes, he couldn't help himself. It just felt right. He asked, she said yes, kissed him, and went back to looking at the stars. This was exactly how it was supposed to go. A hassle free, romantic proposal. He knew he'd tell his children the story of how he proposed to their mother with a wistful look on his face.

Or so he thought. Apparently Kankuro, being the elder of his two brother-in-laws, felt that it was himself and not Gaara who would grant Temari's hand to a lucky suitor. This was all well and good. Shikamaru apologised (half-heartedly he might add; he would still rather be killed by a puppet than suffocated by sand) and Kankuro consented to the marriage. Until he found out that Shikamaru had already asked Temari.

Flashback

"YOU SAID YES WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?!?!" the puppet wielder bellowed.

"Kankuro, he asked. I want to marry him and I was hardly going to say no. Besides, I though the baka would've been smart enough to get both my brother's permission," Temari replied sending Shikamaru a sarcastic look. He responded by rolling his eyes. Shikamaru knew fine rightly that she would've said yes even if both her brothers had said no.

Kankuro continued to huff and puff for several minutes whilst pacing the room. Finally, he sat down and eyed Temari in an almost wary manner. Shikamaru was interested to see what was coming.

"Your previous response to Nara's question is negated," Kankuro stated. Shikamaru almost laughed. He never knew the puppeteer was so eloquent. Temari was about to speak when she was interrupted by the indignant sibling,

"You will ask my sister again, Nara. This time, with my permission."

"What?" Temari seethed.

"You heard what I said," Kankuro announced to the disbelieving room. Well, Shikamaru couldn't believe it. Temari was reaching for her fan. Gaara, on the other hand looked quite amused. "Get to it leafy boy."

Shikamaru sighed, bit back his pride and before Temari destroyed Gaara's office turned to face his disgruntled girlfriend.

"Temari, will you..."

"ON YOUR KNEE NARA!!!"

End flashback

After Kankuro deemed his proposal acceptable (the finished version including Shikamaru reciting some self made poetry which he pretended to a none-the-wiser Kankuro was Shakespeare), Shikamaru was ready to return back to his village, write his mother a letter informing her of the news and hopefully get through the ceremony without falling asleep. But of course that would've been too much to ask.

He decided he would tell his parents face to face. Temari was busy in Suna packing up all her belongings and Shikamaru felt this was a good time to tell his mother as she wouldn't be able to make Temari take a fertility test on the spot. After quietly digesting his dinner along with a side of, "Shikaku, if those deer are still outside I swear to Kami!" Shikamaru set down his chopsticks.

Flashback

"I have some news," he began sheepishly. He was well aware that this sentence would welcome only one response from his mother.

"Oh Shikamaru, you've finally decided to stop this silliness and be true to yourself. I'm so relieved. I thought you would go on lying forever. Now, the woman who runs the fish shop informs me that her son finds you quite attractive and can't wait to adopt children...."

"Mom, for the last time, I like women. You remember Temari, right? My girlfriend."

"Yes, but Shikamaru you've been with her for almost five years and you still haven't gotten serious! She hasn't even moved here. You see her, what? Once every two months. Such a pretty young girl and yet you're content to see her so little! Stop stringing the poor girl along and just admit what we've all known for..."

"MOM!" Shikamaru interrupted, beginning to feel quite exasperated with both his mother's prattling and his father's quiet chuckles coming from the end of the table. "I assure you, I am not stringing Temari along. Quite the opposite really. I've asked her to marry me. She's said yes and we're going to start looking for a house in Konoha as soon as possible."

An eerie silence followed his statement. He turned to look at his father who was giving him their patented danger look. His eyes were widened and his mouth was squeezed tight shut. Shikamaru suddenly felt very uncomfortable. He turned to look at his mother who was glaring at him with her eyebrows lowered and her nostrils flared.

She began quietly. That was always a bad sign.

"You asked her to marry you?"

Shikamaru nodded slowly, very afraid that any sudden movement on his behalf would result in decapitation.

"Let me get this straight. You, the heir and soon to be head of the Nara clan, offered your hand, money, lands, deer stock and honoured name to some girl WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION! DID YOU EVEN ASK ME WHAT I THOUGHT OF THE GIRL? WHETHER SHE WOULD MAKE YOU A GOOD WIFE?"

End flashback

This went on for several more hours during which he managed to convince his mother that Temari would be an excellent wife. Yes, he promised her that she wanted twelve kids, would give up being a ninja as soon as they were married and was the best cook this side of Rain (apart from her obviously), but he eventually managed to talk her into it.

Of course then his mother insisted that she be allowed to watch the whole proposal again. This was after one night at dinner during which Temari assured Yoshino that he proposed beautifully and his mother downright refused to allow them to leave without a re-enactment.

The final time he proposed to Temari was due to the fact that when he told Ino he was getting married, she immediately burst into tears and managed to sniff out, "you didn't even ask me to help pick out the ring." Shikamaru didn't bother to add that Temari had picked her own ring, but, not being able to handle the ear splitting noise that was Ino's weeping, assured her that she had misheard and he had yet to ask Temari and merely wished to inform her of his intention to do so in the future. Ino then proceeded to shriek in delight and began to plan out the perfect way for him to propose which coincidentally involved a large order from her flower shop. He had to inform Temari that they were, in front of Ino, no longer engaged and furthermore that he would be proposing AGAIN in three night's time. Temari merely chuckled and replied, "Are you ever actually going to marry me, Nara?"

Shikamaru almost laughed thinking back. He had never used the phrase "troublesome" so much within four weeks. Either way, he felt slightly better knowing that his best friend had experienced the same thing. Much as he would never wish a quadruple proposal upon anyone, he was glad that Chouji finally understood why he had moaned so much at the time.

So this was it. The last of his friends were pairing off and tying the knot. Ino and Chouji, Naruto and Hinata, Sakura and Lee, Neji and Tenten all were on the serious relationship track. Everyone except Kiba. Shikamaru actually felt sorry for the dog lover. Well, he did. Until Kiba decided to turn his attentions toward Temari.

Flashback

"Shikamaru, I swear to Kami if you don't stop complaining about Temari making you buy those bed sheet covers I'm going to set Akamaru on you. You married the hottest chick I've ever seen and do nothing but moan about her," Kiba managed to mumble out in between beer swigs.

Shikamaru was having a hard time hearing him due to Naruto yelling all over the place that Ino would never love Chouji like he did and the raucous music booming out over the speakers. Ugh. He knew he shouldn't have allowed Kiba to organise Chouji's stag night.

"I'm not complaining about Temari, troublesome as she is, just the fact that the bedcovers are purple. As if it isn't bad enough that everything else in that goddamn room is purple...." He trailed off noticing the sceptical look Kiba was giving him.

"Look at me like that all you want Inuzuka, but that woman is harder living with than you can imagine. Marriage is hard work," he mumbled feeling only slightly guilty as he complained. He loved his wife more than anything and his real aim was to try to convince Kiba that marriage wasn't all that great. Having said that he couldn't wait to go home and cuddle up to Temari in bed, but as best man it was his duty to make sure that the groom got home safely and Chouji was showing no signs of slowing down.

"You don't know how lucky you are dude. I have no idea how you managed to pull Suna. What was it? Drugs?" Kiba chuckled.

Shikamaru glared at him, "It was a lot harder than you think, Kiba. I'll have you know I asked her out three times before she said yes."

"Psssssh," Kiba said rolling his eyes, "I would've gotten her first try, easy. You just don't know how to chat women up. I could get her now if I wanted. I'd let her put purple all over the house" he continued grinning at Shikamaru.

Without thinking what he was saying Shikamaru replied, "Be my guest dude. You'll get killed by a giant fan."

End Flashback

Two days later he was in the exact same position he was in now. Lying on the couch, rubbing his back and missing the warmth that Temari's body brought to his. Apparently, Kiba had spent the whole of the next day hitting on Temari outside of the Konoha Academy and when she had pointed out to him that she was married he replied, "Oh, that's ok. Shikamaru's fine with this. He's actually sick of you. Asked me to take you off his hands."

He'd managed to worm his way back into his bedroom the next night by painting the kitchen purple whilst she was at work.

But he could not resort to purple paint as a means of brokering a reconciliation this time. Firstly, because every single room in their house was already purple and secondly because he had no idea what he had done wrong. But he was worried. Very worried to be exact. Twenty-seven days was a long time and he was starting to wonder if his marriage was going to be over after only four years.

As he felt his back crack again, he let out a frustrated growl and removed himself from the sofa.

Bullshit. There was no way this woman was kicking him out of his room for nearly a full month. Either she would tell him what was wrong or he would just lock her out of the bedroom until she did.

He stormed up the stairs and put his foot out to kick the door open with as much manly courage as he could muster at that moment.

Shikamaru opened his eyes blearily and blinked a couple of times. He could see the blurry outline of a face standing over him. A few more blinks revealed it to be the face of his brother-in-law. The one with the puppet....what was his name again.....

"Hey! He's alive!" Kankuro exclaimed.

Shikamaru's memory started to come back to him. His in laws were coming to visit this weekend. He had forgotten. He would've been a lot happier to see Kankuro if it wasn't for the huge grin on his face. A look around told Shikamaru that he was laying on the floor outside of his bedroom. The last thing he remembered was a fan. And he was on the floor. And he had a headache. Oh yes, this all reeked of a certain fan wielding witch.

"Dude," Kankuro said still with a huge grin and shaking his head, "what did you do?"

After a quick stop at the hospital to make sure he wasn't too badly concussed, Shikamaru made his way to the nearest bar accompanied by his two brother-in-laws. He needed a drink. God, he needed one badly.

Temari was gone whenever he had awoken; it was three in the afternoon. She must have hit him hard. He assumed she was at work. He absentmindedly wondered if she cared if he was awake or not.

Kankuro was not helping his headache. He kept going on and on and on about some stupid kunoichi he met on a mission who was so hot that he nearly got killed. All the while he noted that Gaara had a small smirk on his face. That was unusual. Gaara hardly ever smiled. Shikamaru wondered if the Kazekage knew something he didn't.

"Sooooooo," Kankuro began once they were seated at the bar, "why did sister dearest clock you one?"

"I have no idea," Shikamaru mumbled in reply. "Well, actually I do. It was because I tried to force myself into our bedroom last night."

Kankuro blinked.

Shikamaru decided to spare him the effort of talking. "I've been locked out. For nearly a month to be exact."

Kankuro let out a low whistle. "Dude, that's rough. So no.....you know.....rocking the casbah for a month?"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes, "No, the casbah has remained unrocked."

"Wow," the puppeteer replied, "Not that this doesn't gross me out, you know, it being my sister and all, but didn't you once mention that Temari could barely go two days without engaging in unsightly relations?"

The shadow user sighed. He was about to speak when he was interrupted by the sound of a loud bark and a hearty laugh behind him. He felt Kiba's hand clamp down on his back.

"You remember right my dear hooded friend," Kiba said with a wicked grin, "but that's not what has been driving our dear friend crazy. It's what she's doing to herself in that bedroom as a result of him being locked out that is keeping the Nara awake. Am I right, Lonely and Unsatisfied?"

Shikamaru glared at Kiba. As much as he hated to admit it he was right. Whilst Shikamaru was near dying of sexual frustration, he knew fine rightly that Temari was having no such problem due to her excellent ability to "take care" of herself. Indeed, the noises coming from his bedroom most nights suggested that perhaps she wasn't missing him at all. She was always loud but Shikamaru had a feeling that she was cranking up the volume as her own particular brand of sadistic punishment. And it was working. It was driving him crazy.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwww!" Kankuro said covering his ears. "Dog breath, that's my sister you're talking about."

"I assure you, though the image may disgust you, it's what keeps most of us going on those long cold nights," Kiba said ignoring the look Shikamaru was giving him.

Turning his attention back to Shikamaru, Kankuro began rapping his fingers off the bar pensively. "I have no idea, Nara," he said. "I mean, me and Gaara ain't talked to Temari since her birthday and...Dude, what's wrong?" Kankuro said.

He was obviously responding to the deer caught in headlights look that Shikamaru was giving him.

Oh God.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

No, No, No, No, No.

Shikamaru was nearly sick on the floor then and there. He ignored the fact that Gaara's smirk had widened and clutched onto the bar top for support.

Obviously catching on, Kankuro threw back his head and cackled louder than Shikamaru had ever heard him talk.

"Oh, Nara. You didn't. Tell me you didn't."

"Her birthday," Shikamaru managed to choke out. "It was twenty-six days ago," he mumbled. "Fuck! How the hell did I forget her birthday?!" he moaned resisting the urge to bang his head against a wall.

Another thought hit him.

"Oh shit," he almost cried out.

"What now?" Kankuro asked looking thoroughly amused.

"Ino's birthday."

"You forgot hers too?"

"No. Much, much, much worse. I spent at least three days last week going on to Temari at dinner about how Ino's birthday was coming up and how I wanted to make sure I got her the perfect present or else I'd never hear the end of it and that I didn't care how much it cost as long as it shut her up. Oh God, what the hell am I going to do?"

"So let me get this straight," Kiba cut in grinning from ear to ear, "not only did you forget your wife's birthday but you spent a good amount of time talking about some other girl's birthday in front of her and making a big deal about it?"

Shikamaru nodded, still feeling quite sick. Kiba and Kankuro simultaneously nearly fell over from their laughter.

"It's not my fault! Ino's birthday is right after mine," he protested to the snickering duo, "I was on a really big mission before her birthday and my mind was really preoccupied with it and...."he stopped his attempts to provide mitigating factors when Kiba and Kankuro continued to shake their heads, looking at him like he was the world's biggest idiot.

He was. He knew he was.

Shikamaru looked to Gaara for some sort of help but was only given a sympathetic look in response.

"Did she mention this to you?" he quizzed the red head sheepishly.

"It may have come up in conversation," Gaara replied, his smirk growing even wider. Meanwhile Kiba and Kankuro continued to crack up in the background.

"I think you'll be painting the outside of your house purple, dude," Kiba said in between laughter.

Temari dropped her keys on the table beside the door as she made her way into the house. She wondered if her asshole of a husband was still unconscious or if he had gotten off his lazy ass and managed to make dinner for once. She looked into the dark kitchen. No sign of activity.

Well, fuck him. She was going to bed. He could make his own dinner. No, better yet, he could get Ino to make it for him.

As she noticed the sand gourd at the bottom of the stairs she nodded in comprehension. Of course. Her brothers were here. That meant one thing. He was at the bar. She felt slightly disappointed. If Gaara didn't have his gourd it meant he wasn't currently beating the crap out of Shikamaru for forgetting her birthday. Ugh. Men. Can't rely on any of them.

She made her way up the stairs and noted with satisfaction the blood stain on the floor outside of the bedroom. Ah yes. She'd knocked him out. That'd felt good.

Temari actually felt she'd been pretty patient. She knew he had a mission before her birthday so she wasn't expecting any fancy date. One "Happy Birthday". She would've been happy with that. After it became clear that he had no recollection of said event she had had it. Until he remembered his dear wife's birthday no sex; no cuddling; no kissing and definitely no shougi. She knew that would drive him up the wall. Truth be told, she could tell he was trying to work out what he had done. He fluctuated between professing his love for her in great amounts to looking at her like she was the world's biggest bitch. Like she gave a crap. Bastard deserved it. She was surprised she hadn't killed him yet.

She pushed open the door to her bedroom, shut it and leaned against it. She surveyed the scene before her. The whole room was filled to the brim with long stem candles, there were four large vases of white roses placed around the room, a table in the middle of the room with a place set for two and standing in the middle of it all was Shikamaru looking like the puppy that ate the Christmas turkey.

Temari couldn't help but smirk. Her eyes drifted over to the table and back to Shikamaru.

"You can't cook," she deadpanned.

"Good thing Gaara can?" Shikamaru tried in a small, pleading voice.

"So," she continued, "shall I get out of your way so Ino can enjoy her birthday celebration or have you remembered who you're married to?"

She was quite content watching him squirm. In fact she wished she could have been there whenever he figured it out. No doubt Gaara had something to do with it. But she was sure it would have been hilarious.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled moving down to his knees and shuffling over to her. He grabbed onto the sides of her dress and looked up at her, "I'm so, so, so, so sorry Temari." She inspected his face. Yes, he was sorry. She could genuinely tell just from looking at him. The fact that he was on his knees was an indication that he knew how badly he fucked up.

He stood up and tried to kiss her. She turned her face so that he got her cheek. Shikamaru sighed and cupped her face in his hands. He moved towards her ear. "Happy Birthday to you," he half sang, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday my amazing, beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, smart, incredible, scary, pretty, badass wife." She couldn't help it. She laughed slightly. He turned her face round, "Happy Birthday to you," he mumbled. He kissed her lightly, as if he was testing the ground.

"You're an asshole," she mumbled against his lips.

"I know. I'm the world's biggest asshole. We've been together nine years and I haven't forgotten your birthday once except this year. Please....let me make it up to you." He was staring her dead in the eyes. Goddamn those eyes. This was the real reason she'd avoided him for so long. She knew all he had to do would be to look at her for long enough and she'd be putty.

"I'm supposed to be mad at you. Stop trying to...."

She was cut off by his lips. She was such a sucker for this guy. As soon as he saw an opening he went for it. Lazy ass ninja her backside. Quick, calculating son of a bitch who knew exactly what he was doing. Oh fuck it. He was nibbling on her bottom lip. So he forgot her birthday. She could always turn it into at least six nights of sex a week for the next month. Yes. That'd do quite nicely.

After, he had finished plundering her mouth quite thoroughly he pulled back and rubbed his nose against hers. She swallowed.

"Hungry?" he asked.

She nodded. He took her by the waist and guided her over to the table.

"I've missed you," he said as he sat down opposite her. "I know everyone thinks I complain but for the last month I would've killed for you to ask me to go cushion shopping."

Temari smiled slightly. She had missed him too. The bed was empty without him. They had purposely splurged on a big comfy bed and she loved it. But it wasn't the same unless he was beside her telling her to stop hogging all the blankets.

Shikamaru saw her smile. Not her full blown smile. But it was enough. He was starting to feel like she mightn't kill him just yet and hopefully if Gaara was a good enough cook he might be back in his own bed tonight.

As it turned out, Gaara was an excellent cook.

As Shikamaru surveyed his wife tangled in their purple sheets, he noted all the little things he could never forget about her no matter how hard he tried. The small birthmarks and freckles that snaked their way up and down her legs. The way her hips connected to her abdomen.

He was about to move his eyes up to her breasts when something caught his eye. Her tummy. It was definitely more rounded that usual. He may have forgotten her birthday but he knew his sand goddess's body inside out and whilst her belly was always slightly rounded at the bottom it was never this rounded. He dragged his eyes up to her face to find her staring at him, smiling lightly. He looked into her eyes, then back at her stomach and then to her face again.

He placed his hand on her abdomen and looked at her questioningly.

"Happy Birthday," she said quietly, looking up at him with her one and only beautiful smile.