a/n
Another 'updated' chapter. I try to throw in some new parts to keep things fresh in my mind, anyways.
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Rebecca: Look, he's coming to...
Everybody takes off their party hat and tosses their empties out the window. Ada drools grossly, and Chris pokes her.
Chris: Man...seventeen shots of vodka.
Jill: Pssshhh...seventeen. Don'tcha remember my record?
Chris: Jill, you were seven. You had twenty-five brandy glasses of apple juice at my birthday party, and spent the whole night pissing on the rug.
Wesker: *stirs* unnnghhhgh?
Lisa Trevor: unnnghhhgh!
Billy: Down, girl.
Wesker: ...WTF happened?
Bruce: Oh, Lisa hit yo-
Leon: STFU ur unpopular.
Bruce runs away in tears. Nobody seems overly concerned about this.
Chris: Lisa hit you. On the head. With the chains.
Billy: o_0 And I said I had a bad IQ...
Ada vomits again. Everyone groans, but nobody makes a move to help clean it up.
Wesker: She's STILL wasted?
Barry: Well, she did drink a bottle of vodka on top of whatever it was she had before, and there's also the fact this train is hurtling towards some great menacing building at speeds reaching over—
Billy: —PLOT SPOILER!
Rebecca: STFU bitch. Let's just buckle down and get this damn play over with, yeah?
Lisa Trevor: unnnaahhgghha
Spotlight: I'll translate for you dears. She says 'STFU n00b. Daddy Wesky said I was Rebecca'.
Wesker: Why the fuck does that talking spotlight still...still...
Jill: Talk?
Wesker: Yeah, yeah. That's the word.
Ada laughs suddenly, but is ignored.
Wesker: Yeah. Lisa, take Hunk and stop this train!
Hunk: I told you, NO.
Wesker: …Asswipe. Bruce—
Bruce: Ada or Fong Ling, dammit!
Wesker: FINE DAMMIT! Just take Ada and stop this motherfucking train!
Bruce: o_O Simmer down, man!
Lisa cries in offense—but it's really more of a moan.
Leon: STFU.
Ada: LOLZ! hic
Bruce: Whatever. Lez' roll.
He runs off, giggling.
Chris: Fifty bucks he's gay…
Ada stumbles after him, tripping over the body of a pudgy pug.
Rebecca: Somebody should clean those up; they're starting to smell.
Spotlight: SEMICOLON! Well done, dear!
Wesker: Kill me…
By some remarkable miracle, everyone manages to abstain from the horribly obvious 'I'll do it' joke.
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Bruce pulls Ada through the train, towards the control room. Ada's having a jolly good time with it, but maybe that's because she's attempting to talk dirty.
Ada: SEX! LOLZ!
Bruce: Heeheehee…that's clever.
He manages to pull the briefcase Billy found out of his back pocket.
Bruce: Ada, the rings?
Ada: hic!
She begins singing Here Comes the Bride, but only seems to know the first line. Bruce frowns.
Bruce: Aww, crap.
Ada: HAHAHA!
She pulls out a handgun and shoots the briefcase twice. It breaks in half, and a shellshocked Bruce is left holding the half with a card key inside.
Bruce: Hmm…you are handy…
Ada: SEX! Lolz!
Bruce: ^_^
Bruce slides the newfound card key through the electronic lock leading to the conductor's cabin, while Ada makes drunken innuendos about same.
Bruce: YAY I DID IT! I'm Useful!
Ada: n00b! HA!
Bruce: …Sex…
Ada: LOLZ! Tee-hee! hic…
They pass through the door—well, Ada stumbles, but hey—and find themselves outside on the deck.
Bruce: Look…corpses…
Ada: LOL THEY R PWNED
Bruce: And slimy. I smell a plot…
Ada: *falls off the side of the train*
Bruce: ADA!
A second later, he bursts out laughing.
Bruce: Ok, so I'm better off without her…
He shrugs, and heads into the conductor's cabin. Somehow, Jill is standing there, tapping her foot.
Bruce: Aww, crap.
Jill: Without a chick, you just plain suck. Actually, you just plain suck anyways.
Bruce: Then why did you come? LOL PW-
Jill: I swear, you say pwned and I'll stick a bayonet in your gizzard!
Bruce: o_O
Jill: Look, you ain't funny, so take this nifty new magnetic key thinger to the back of the train and insert it into the emergency brake slot.
Bruce: I miss Ada…
Jill waves an AK-47 with bayonet mounted at the insolent man.
Bruce: Eep…*leaves*
Jill: Heh…moron…
She pulls the handbrake, and the train stops.
Bruce (outside): AHHHHHHH!
He falls off the train with a heavy thud.
Bruce: Hey, Ada…
Ada: SEX!
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Almost like magic, everyone falls out of the train into a burning basement. None of them look too happy about it, even though they just escaped certain death while several hundred walking dead were trapped and (re-)killed in the wrecked train. People really do take things for granted these days.
Hunk: Huh? Didn't we stop like five minutes before the big, dark, evil, looming mansion that's not the Spencer mansion, but is also owned and operated by the Umbrella corporation?
Bruce: And didn't I fall off the train before we stopped?
Ada: SEX!
Rebecca: Ok, that's getting old now. It was old the first time you said it. You gave birth to an old geezer.
Ada: hic
Leon: Jus' give her sum moar booze…she's easier 2 handle dat way. (aside) I'd know.
Billy: Here, just drink this tank of gas. Who needs Molotovs when you have Barry to use as a human shield?
Barry: I resent that comment…
Leon: Ya, well ur a prude, bro. STFU.
Spotlight: Why does every single sentence you say have 'STFU' connected to it, dearie?
Leon: How da fuck did joo get here?
Spotlight: Psychic powers…
Luis: Oi! My line!
Leon: LUIS!
Luis: Ada!
Ada: Wes—HIC—ker!
Wesker: NO.
Ada: SEX!
Rebecca: Oh, shut the fuck up already!
Leon: That's 'STFU', biatch!
Jill: pwned
Bruce: Omfg…
Wesker: Alright! Everybody just stop being lame and shut up! We need to move the plot along! Lisa, you and Chris will go up and explore the mans…er, 'training facility'.
Lisa: MOMMY!
Chris: Well, what are you gonna do in the meantime? Sic a Tyrant on us?
Wesker: Next act.
Chris: Oh.
Wesker: Yep.
Chris: Well then.
Wesker: Fine.
Chris stands there stupidly. Wesker taps his foot.
Wesker: GO, DAMMIT!
Chris: Eep…
He runs off, jumping through fire heroically. A crying Lisa Trevor lurches off after him.
Hunk: So…what do we do?
Leon: Let's make gingerbread houses!
Ada: …sex?
Barry: No, Ada. Drink your gasoline.
Wesker: I'm in my happy place…I'm in my happy place…
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Chris and Lisa are walking through the sewers. Strangely enough, Chris doesn't seem to be too happy about that—he's kicking what he mistakenly thinks to be stones as he goes along.
Chris: Become a member of S.T.A.R.S., he said…being a drifter isn't a job, he said…
Lisa: Unnnggagghhh?
Chris: Oh, Lisa…sorry, just thinking about how my life…sucks!
He bursts into tears. Lisa shifts uncomfortably beside him.
Lisa: Uhhhhgngh.
Chris: Well, ok…you see, I never really wanted to join the S.T.A.R.S., but Barry made me…I was always a quiet, nerdy kid, y'know?—and it turns out that…that he was just doing it for the recruitment bonus! Oh…
Chris drops to his knees and bawls.
Lisa: Auuugh…
She stretches out her arms towards Chris.
Chris: Thanks…
He hugs Lisa, who then grins fiendishly and wraps her chains around Chris' throat.
Chris: AACCAACCCKK… ACKKKKKK…KKK…K…
A couple of mouthfuls of blood spat up, Chris stops moving.
Lisa: Unggh!
She drops Chris, then manages to run up a ladder somehow.
Wesker (offstage):What was that? Jill, Barry, go investigate.
Jill: *sighs* Wrong act…
Wesker: STFU! Go!
Jill and Barry enter the sewer.
Jill: Oh, no! Barry! Look!
She points to Chris' body, a crestfallen look tainting her face.
Barry: Uhoh!
He dashes to the puddle of blood staining the wall and floor beside Chris' body.
Barry: Blood! Hope it isn't Chris'…
Jill: …Um, WTF?
Barry: Hmm…I'm gonna investigate this a little more…You check for Chris through that door, Jill.
He points to the ladder.
Jill: Um…two things, Barr. One, that's a ladder. Two…turns Barry's head an inch to the right.
Barry: Bloody Shitcakes! It's Chris! Oh, don't worry. He's just sleeping.
Jill: Fucking kill me.
Barry: Well, I'm gonna investigate this a little more. You check for Chris through that door, Jill.
He points at the ladder again. Jill pauses for a beat.
Jill: WESKER!
She storms back out of the sewer.
Barry: I hope Chris is ok…
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Jill stomps back into the burning basement, where the rest of the cast are either playing canasta or trying lazily to put out the incredibly dangerous fires.
Jill: WESKER!
Leon: He's not here.
Jill: Shut up, rookie. Where is he?
Leon: Ok, see, that's just weird. You tell me to shut up—and hey, I'm not a rookie—but you ask me where he is? WHAT DO YOU WANT, WOMAN?
Jill turns to Hunk. He waves at her, and she waves back.
Jill:Where is he?
Hunk: Erm, he said he was slipping away to watch you through a hidden camera with some Birkin dude. Oh yeah, and he wanted to know: can you drive him back to Raccoon after this so he can fly back out around here with you while pretending he wasn't here?
Jill: …slower than the average bear. Screw it. Rebecca, Ada, let's grab a beer.
Ada: SEX
Jill: …Rebecca, let's grab a beer.
Rebecca: SEX
Jill turns back to Hunk.
Jill: Okay, WTF?
Hunk: Oh, yeah…Ada told her to lighten up, so she drank a box of wine coolers and is now trying to mimic Ada.
Bruce: It's really funny once you notice how much she's getting into it…look, they're swaying at the exact same pace right now.
Hunk: Yeah, you should have heard the synchronized hiccoughing a minute ago.
Jill: Where the hell do we find all this booze?
Spotlight: Oh, I always keep a little devil's sin on me wherever I go, dearie…
Jill: Where's a suicide pistol when you need one?
She shrugs, then does a heroic jump through a small fire and calls the elevator. The sober crowd waves her goodbye.
Bruce: Does anybody think we should get out of this room? Y'know, follow Wesker and Jill, or maybe Lisa and Chris, or even call Claire and Fong Ling for some good times…
Leon: o_O I always thought you were gay…
Bruce: I hide it well, don't I?
Billy: Hey, you know, you raise a good point! Why aren't Claire, Fong Ling, Ashley, and Sherry here?
Hunk: I blame the Umbrella Corporation!
Bruce: Don't you work for them?
Hunk: …If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all!
In the corner of the room, a menacing little Fire pops up.
Fire: DA DA DA!
It runs toward a conveniently-placed bottle of vodka.
Vodka: BLAMMA!
The vodka explodes with vengeance. Vodka Fire erupts all over the room. Yes, it does indeed work that way. Don't question the Vodka Fire, m'kay?
Hunk: ADA! What did I tell you about putting your drinks away?
Ada: LOLZ!
Rebecca: LOLZ!
Luis: That's it! I'm going emo!
He pulls out his knife, hacks some hair off, then withdraws a CD player from his breast pocket and puts on some Linkin Park.
Leon: STFU! Your hair's all wrong! Look at mine!
Vodka Fire: AHEM! Burning here!
Hunk: Sorry…
Vodka Fire: It's okay. Just do better next time…
The Vodka Fire gallops towards Spotlight rather rudely.
Spotlight: EGADS, I'M BURNING!
Rebecca: NOOOOOO!
She runs towards Spotlight, but soon learns the valuable lesson that fire is hot.
Ada: Hey, I didn't do th—hic…HEY, LOOK!
She points near the train—well, specifically, under some burning wreckage that was once the train. Maybe it's all the smoke in the room that fogs up their heads such that they don't consider, y'know, leaving the flaming room or something. Anyways, it's Krauser hiding out there. God knows why. He jumps out of the wreckage.
Krauser: Oi! No peeking!
Ada: He's a—burp—chicken!
She points to his claw. Everyone else turns away from the Vodka Fire and crows around the Chicken.
Rebecca: LOLZ
Ada: LOLZ
Krauser: AM NOT! My wing…er…claw is really strong, ladies! It butchers those psycho chainsaw blokes in The Mercs in one hit!
Ada: LOLZ Krauser's magic claw!
Rebecca: LOLZ I don't even know who he is!
Hunk frowns, although nobody notices it what with the gas mask and all. He waves his arms like a referee signalling 'NO!', and thwacks Leon in the head. However, nobody cares.
Hunk: Hey! I'm better in The Mercs than you! I can break necks!
Krauser: Yeah, but you gotta shoot them in the head—and you can only kill one at a time! I, however, can kill as many as I can reach in one hit, no matter how strong they are! Plus, I get to use the compound bow!
Hunk: …Shut up, you roid-raging muscle-bound bimbo!
Leon laughs, and steps in between the two with a cocky gesture.
Leon: Fellas, fellas, we ALL know that I'm the best Mercs character!
Krauser: …LOLZ!
Hunk: LOLZ!
Ada: LOLZ!
Rebecca: LOLZ!
Luis: LOLZ!
Bruce: LOLZ!
Billy: LOLZ!
Spotlight: LOLZ!
Burning Vodka: LOLZ!
The roof blows up, and a helicopter lands. Carlos steps out.
Carlos: LOLZ!
He gets back in and flies off. The roof repairs itself. Nobody questions this because of the smoke they've been inhaling for the past hour.
Leon: LOLZ…what are we laughing at?
Krauser: …LOLZ!
Hunk: LOLZ!
Ada: LOLZ!
Rebecca: LOLZ!
Luis: LOLZ!
Bruce: LOLZ!
Billy: LOLZ!
Spotlight: LOLZ!
Burning Vodka: LOLZ!
Leon: …What?
Bruce: LOLZ…pansy…
Leon: I resent that!
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Meanwhile, Lisa climbs up into the main hall. She's having a gay old time, skipping around and cracking the valuable marble tiles beneath her mass.
Lisa: Unnhgh!
She walks into middle of room. The Recording starts to play, scaring the hell with her—she flails and breaks a two hundred thousand dollar vase. Why a military training facility-cum-research lab was a good place for a two hundred thousand dollar vase is beyond even the greatest minds of our time.
Recording: YO BITCHES IT'S TIME TO GET BIZ-AY WITH THE MOTTO! Be still. Ok, so unity…no, wait, dicipline makes life…no, that's power…life? Or is it…Well, look! Take dicipline, life, power, and unity and mix them around for a while. Y'know, give them a cup of tea or something. Be hospitable, they might just be important soon. Or something. Hey, why am I even bothering to tell this to you? You're just some fugly retarded girl, anyways. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, BIATCH! Peace out.
Lisa: Um…er…*cries*
Lisa runs through a random door, and finds herself in a hallway. She runs into a nearby bathroom to cry—well, cry more, that is. She also thinks she has to pee.
Lisa: arrrrghhhh
A leech man pops up behind her, and taps her on the shoulder.
Leech Man: Boo u!
Lisa: Unnhhgh! (Hey, you're fugly too!)
Leech Man: Mnnnhnnn… (That's not very nice, you know…)
Lisa: Uggh. Hghhhaaggg. Ghh? (Sorry. You just look sorta like me, is all. Wanna hang out?)
Leech Man: Mnnnmy. Ynnnmmmnmo. (Sure. I'm Fred by the way.)
Lisa: Uhhhhhg. Ghhg. Hghaarrrh? (Cool. I'm Lisa Trevor. Will you be my love intrest?)
Fred: Mnonnnyoo… (I would, but as a hive mind composed solely of leeches, I have no reproductive organs of any kind, nor do I have a desire to populate myself wi-)
Lisa: Ugghhghhgh! Haarrggg? Hgggrhhhr… (Alright, alright, I'm sorry I asked! Do you wanna go and kill off some members of STARS, a few wannabe cops, and an escaped convict? Oh, and some odd drunk Asian chick, can't forget her…)
Fred: Mnnno; ynommom. (Sounds good to me; seeing as all I do is hit things with various leeches.)
Lisa: Ugghhgg…(That was an improperly used semicolon…)
Fred: …Myyo! (…STFU biatch!)
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Barry is kneeling by Chris' rotting carcass.
Barry: I hope Chris is ok…
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Jill has found a bottle of Bailey's on one of those platforms a train rotates on. She has gotten so drunk that it is entertaining her to try and remember what the hell the aforementioned platform is called.
Jill: Oh! I finally g—HIC—get what LOLZ means now! LOLZ!
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Back in the basement…
Hunk: D'you suppose we should leave, or at the very least put out the vodka fire?
Spotlight: (burning) YES, PLEASE!
Ada/Rebecca: (singing) Da dha dha da dha dha…MY SHARONA! Da dha dha da…
Billy: Let's light THEM on fire…
Leon: Well…uhhh…I don't really know if I could perform with another guy watching…
All the sober people in the room turn and gape at Leon.
Leon: Ahh…that's not what you meant, was it?
Billy: So very far off…
Spotlight: PUT ME OUT!
Ada: Oh man…Mama here's losing her buzz…
Bruce: Give her more booze, she's funny. She's the only person I know who actually hiccups when drunk.
He laughs and prods Ada, who hiccoughs.
Hunk: What about Fong Ling? What does she do?
Bruce: Tiny burps.
Hunk: Ahh…
Bruce: Yep.
Spotlight: I HATE YOU ALL!
Luis: I see the President's equipped his daughter with ballistics…
Billy: WTF? That's completely…that just doesn't make sense…
Luis: No doubt, you're a fucking moron.
Krauser: Anybody for I Spy?
Hunk sighs dejectedly.
Hunk: This is gonna be one hell of a long parody…
Rebecca: Well—hic—join us next time on…
Ada: I LOST MY BUZZ!
Everyone: RESIDENT EVIL: THE BIG MESS O' PLOT!
Actually, nobody said that last line. Rebecca thought everyone did, but she blacked out and dreamt it. Simple minds.
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Will Ada regain her buzz? Will Jill find Wesker? Will Lisa's love interest spawn some balls and notice her? Will anybody else move out of the basement? Will anybody ever complete RE: 0? Will we find out what has become of most of the other RE girls? Will we discover if this is a book, show, game, or play? WILL BARRY STOP BEING SUCH A FRIGGIN MORON? Well, we all know the answer to the last one, but as for the rest…find out next time—or don't™!