How Can We Live?
by: mokatster
A/N: I've actually had the idea for this story in my head for quite a while; it makes for a nice parallel with "This Ordinary Life." The title is taken from the end of the book "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader," when Lucy despairingly asks Aslan how they can live in England, never knowing Him.
Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia, but I am in love with C.S. Lewis and all of his works. :) Story rated for mild language and emotional turmoil.
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Chapter One: Returning
"We'll go."
At his brother's words, Edmund started in alarm. His head turned sharply from the crowded courtyard as he whipped around to face Peter.
"We will?"
He hadn't meant to speak the words aloud—shock had rendered his tongue uncontrollable. He wanted it to be a joke. Surely they weren't leaving so soon—they had barely been here a week! But Peter just looked at him, and when their eyes met, Edmund felt his heart drop to his stomach like a stone.
He was serious. They were leaving.
Edmund didn't have the time to feel anything except bewilderment—indeed, he and Lucy barely had time to exchange stunned and disappointed glances before he heard Susan speak.
"We're not coming back."
This time the shock rendered Edmund completely speechless. He was glad when, after a long moment, Lucy broke the stunned silence.
"We're not?"
Her voice was tiny, the voice of one trying to be brave but who is really quite frightened and confused.
Peter tried to explain, and it was clear he knew a lot more than Lucy and Edmund. He must have been talking to Aslan.
"But why?" Lucy cried, turning desperately to the Lion. "Did they do something wrong?"
"Quite the opposite, Dear One," Aslan said, smiling. He looked at Edmund too, and His eyes were reassuring. "But all things have their time."
The Lion said something more, and despite His comforting tone, Edmund felt his heart sink even further. Peter and Susan were never coming back? Narnia was closed off to them forever? What did He mean, they'd "learned what they can?"
Lucy had remained as still and quiet as Edmund, clearly just as disappointed and fearful for Susan and Peter as he was. Peter smiled reassuringly and took her hand in both of his own.
"It's all right, Lu," he said softly. "It's not how I thought it would be.
"But it's all right," he said again, a little more firmly as he glanced at Edmund, who scrutinized his brother's face. Peter didn't seem distressed at all. His expression was calm, and Edmund saw nothing but acceptance in his eyes. He really did seem to think that it was all right, just as he had said.
Well, if Peter could accept it, he could too.
As they turned away from the crowded courtyard toward the door in the air, Edmund wondered…
Would being back in England be easier to accept, knowing that the Lion had blessed their return? That there was obviously a plan that explained why things were happening the way they were?
His step faltered slightly before he reached the tree. The knowledge that he was leaving weighed his feet down like lead and slowed his steps. He fought fiercely against the urge to stop and run back to Aslan, to beg Him not to send them away. But he didn't look back—he couldn't look back.
He felt his brother put his hands on his shoulders and squeeze tightly. Edmund stood a little straighter and felt braver.
As he passed through the door, he inhaled deeply to fill his lungs one last time with sweet Narnian air—but instead felt the sharp tang of metal and the musty scent of the Underground fill his nostrils. The soothing warmth of the Narnian sun was replaced by the stifling heat of the crowded platform. There was no soft breeze caressing his face, but instead the blast of wind created by the train rushing into the station. The tremendous cacophony of the cars clattering along the rails and the din of a large, chattering crowd filled his ears. And Edmund stood, dazed, trying to acclimate himself to the sudden shift in his surroundings.
He looked around him, tugging slightly at the scratchy scarf now looped around his neck. He saw schoolchildren pushing and shoving to get to the train first and claim the best seats. He saw the dull colors of the station and the tired faces of soldiers and ordinary citizens as they made their way through the crowd of rowdy children.
Edmund found himself wondering again: would living in England be easier now?
Now that he was here…he didn't see how. Narnia had changed for the worse while they had been gone—but England hadn't changed for the better. He would have given anything for it to be otherwise.
Because how could he live here, when the world he truly loved was lost to him? How could he accept anything about this life filled with insignificance and despair?
How could he find meaning here, when the One he yearned for was nowhere to be found?
He heard the final boarding call sound. He hastily gathered his things and followed Peter onto the train, patting his pockets and peeking in his bag for the perfunctory last-minute assurance that he had all his belongings.
Lion's mane, but he wished he were anywhere but here…
"Do you think there's any way we can get back?"
He asked the question out loud without meaning to. His brother and sisters all looked at him expectantly when he didn't immediately elaborate, their faces puzzled.
He cast his hand around the inside of his bag, looking for an explanation. His hand met—nothing. Dismayed, he unzipped the top all the way and looked inside.
"I left my new torch in Narnia!"
He knew there was nothing they could do to go back—but at that moment, the laughter of his siblings was comfort enough for him. He grinned.
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"Lu."
Lucy blinked, roused from her ruminations, and noticed that Edmund had taken a recently vacated seat. When she finally looked at him, he gestured to the empty seat next to him.
She moved gratefully to settle next to her brother. The subway ride was only about half an hour, and though she didn't mind standing, it was rather irksome trying to keep her balance in the swaying car. Susan was already sitting across from them, and Peter stood next to her, keeping a precautionary grip on the support rail.
She glanced at Edmund and noticed that he was watching her, looking…concerned? She managed a small smile and received half of one in return. Experimentally, she leaned against him. Edmund had never really been one for hugs; he was usually the one subjected to the terror that was the embrace—at least, that was how he viewed it. But to her pleasant surprise, he slung an arm across the back of her seat. It wasn't a hug, not really—one never really received hugs from Edmund, except in very special circumstances. But Lucy would take what she could get. She scooted a little closer and leaned into Edmund's side. She felt his arm wrap around her shoulders and hold her a little closer.
Lucy smiled to herself. This must be one of those special circumstances.
She glanced surreptitiously at her older siblings. Susan was immersed in a magazine—she seemed calm enough. Peter was reading the advertisements posted above the windows and doors. He, too, seemed unperturbed.
Lucy hoped it would stay this way. Last year, they had all managed fairly well until school started. She remembered the loneliness as her sister began to make new friends; her excitement whenever she received a call from her brothers; how that excitement had quickly turned into anxiety as she listened to Edmund's telling of his and Peter's encounters with those bullies he had once called friends.
Most of all, she remembered feeling desperate. Having known Aslan, having lived an entirely different life in Narnia, she didn't think she could ever get used to life in England again. How could she? She would always know there was something better. Here, everything was too…dull. And too normal. The only new and exciting things that happened here were exciting in a terrifying sort of way, like bombing raids. Or exciting in a dreadful kind of way, like the first day of school.
Her stomach twisted with anxiety. Who was to say that things would be any different this year? They were, after all, in the same situation.
She sighed. Why did everything have to change? Why couldn't they have just stayed in Narnia? It was better than here. It would always be better than here.
Nobody spoke much as they rode the subway to the end of the line, climbed up to the street, and made their way to the train station at the edge of the city. From there, Lucy and Susan would get on a train going in one direction and half an hour later the boys would take a train going in the other.
Even after buying their tickets from the grumpy old man in the ticket booth, they still had to wait twenty minutes for the first train when they reached the deserted platform. The girls immediately sank down onto a bench; Susan opened her magazine again while Lucy leaned forward, peering further down the tracks, wanting to see the train the moment it rounded the bend. She hoped the conductor would blow the whistle before he pulled into the station—that was her favorite part. Edmund plopped onto the bench next to Susan and sat with his elbows on his knees, staring at the ground. Peter remained standing.
"I'm going to buy a snack," he announced, rummaging in his pockets for coins. "Anyone want something?"
Edmund jumped up immediately, but Lucy shook her head while Susan murmured a polite "No, thank you." Lucy didn't feel particularly hungry—at least, not for any of the food she could get here. She thought longingly of the celebration banquet they had had at Caspian's castle the night of his coronation. She would give anything for one of those fresh oranges right now…
After a few minutes, the boys returned bearing packages of plain biscuits. Edmund tossed one onto Susan's lap, wrinkling her magazine, and then resumed his seat next to her, ripping open his own package.
"I said I didn't want one!" Susan protested, smoothing the pages of her magazine in a slightly irritated manner.
Edmund rolled his eyes, already munching contentedly on his biscuits. "You should eat them anyway. They're probably the most edible thing you'll get until the winter holiday at home." He grinned at Susan, knowing that she hated the school food as much as he did, and she chuckled, stowing the biscuits in her bag for later.
Lucy took the package that Peter gave her with a small smile. She hadn't wanted one either, but—she turned the package over in her hands, looking at the wrapper. Her breath caught in her throat.
A lion was smiling up at her.
Lucy looked up at Peter to see her brother smiling too as he tore into his own package of "Jungle Lion Biscuits." He bent down to whisper in her ear. "You see, Lu? I really don't think he's as far away from us as we first thought."
She looked at her biscuits again. It was just a silly picture, such a fake-looking lion—and yet Lucy felt reassured. Aslan had been known to hide in plain sight, after all.
Maybe He really was a part of England just as much as Narnia. She had never thought of that before.
If that was the case….then she would just have to look for Him.
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A/N: Thanks for reading! Updates should be quick, since all subsequent chapters are merely in need of editing. And, as always, any and all reviews are greatly appreciated! :)