My names James Crawford and my life has been anything but great. First I decide to drop out of my first year of High School cuz' the work was too tough for me, plus I needed more time to enjoy my favorite video games, based on my favorite heroes. One of those heroes was Sonic the Hedgehog, and as I staked out in my parents basement for ten years, waiting for them to tell me to get a job, I would enjoy the latest adventures of Sonic and his pals. But now, my hero has died a painful, painful death.

Thanks to my love for video games, and my minimum job options, I work now at the Video Game Graveyard, where every video game character eventually goes to rest in peace. I am here to relate my stories to you.

THE VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD
EPISODE 1: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

It was about eight in the morning when my boss came to me and handed me a shovel. He told me to dig up an area about three and a half by three foot. I wondered who we were burying, a leprechaun?

I did so, took about half the day. It was two by the time I was able to sit on a gravestone for Cortana and drink some Mountain Dew Game Fuel, or whatever that bullcrap is. Eventually, I am sure the horde will need some graves dug up to. Maybe I should dump all the rest of that crappy soda on top of their coffins.

I went to my boss's office and he showed me video of my childhood hero, Sonic the Hedgehog, running through the city, escaping the army. They had been blaming him lately for the faster rotation of the Earth, though that seems somewhat improbable.

The video caught him run a block, before falling to his ass. That's when I noticed the spike strip laid out on the street by police. Sonic grabbed at both his feet and screamed. A large gash on both feet, bloodier than anything I'd ever seen, seemingly divided each foot in two.

By this point, I was done crying and was wondering why Eggman never thought to put out a spike strip. He put out spikes that came out of the ground, then down into the Earth, but those were huge and easy to see and jump over. And then there were the ones he put in place, but those were huge and easy to see and jump over.

Why the hell didn't he think of putting a bloody spike strip down? It can stop a car, it can stop Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sonic died from blood loss, and his final words were "What the fuck?".

It was about seven at night when a procession appeared outside the cemetery gates. It was basically a biplane piloted by Tails the Fox, along with a bunch of other characters Sonic had met over the past couple years. They were all crying, except for Knuckles and Shadow, who were to busy making out with Rouge and Amy respectively. Rouge and Amy's tears probably were because of the fact their boy friends were missing protrusions (except for their tails, but you catch my drift).

So, the body had been placed in a nice, granite coffin and they also had brought a marker for the grave (kind of like they knew this was going to happen…). I helped the little people haul the coffin (they were small, they couldn't handle it well). I then placed it in the grave. Instead of a priest, they brought some Echidna like knuckles, Tikal I guess her name was. She was weird, and I couldn't listen to the prayers because they were so nonsensical, like she belonged to some kind of cult surrounding these emeralds.

Next thing I know, they are all crying and throwing rings in. I wondered why. I asked, but they were too busy being emo animals to tell me. So I ended up kicking Tails in the ass (which is apparently sexual, so I fought some alligator guy and kicked his ass then got my answer). They needed to throw in 100 rings for an extra life. My childhood rushed back to me.

"Why didn't you do that instead of bringing him here?" I asked.

"Because we want to have a big laugh about it when he is screaming because we thought he was really dead!" Tails replied. Everyone quit crying and started laughing hysterically. I thought I was missing something.

They threw in 99 rings, and then started yelling at Cream the bunny thing.

"You forgot a ring you stupid idiot bunny! Go to hell idiot!"

The bunny started crying, and I felt bad, and also was wondering what a bunny actually felt like in bed. I thought, hell, can't get laid by actual women, let's go with this bunny woman half my size.

So I gave her my ring that came free with the anniversary issue of Playboy, and Sonic awoke from the dead. That night, I showed Cream how it works, and after finishing and getting rope burn all over my body (Lesson: Though fur may be soft, grinding against it too much will burn you like hell), I learned she was seven, and I also learned that that didn't make me a felon for underage sex, because in bunny years, she was fourty three.

Sonic came by yesterday and thanked me for giving him the final ring. He apparently broke up with Amy after finding out about her and Shadow and now goes out with Cream. He says I'm lucky I got a piece of that bunny, because that's the best tasting bunny on the planet.

I didn't ask him about the tasting part, I was wondering how I was going to explain this to my boss (Who saw myself and Creams little party on a video camera).

NEXT TIME: Duke Nukem dies, and I am tasked to dig him a grave, and hide his super awesome alien gun from the government!