A/N: OK, so mah girls PB(r), K1P2, and Betham bought my ass in the Support Stacie auction, and this is what they won. Good onya, girls. Luv & shout-outs to all mah UURavBitches...especially those making appearances thanks to my patronesses. Hope you enjoy!

The CCUC OnCrotch Call Center, Part Twat

CPOV

This call center was taking far too long to come together. The first day with the boys was hilarrible. The girls, who I'd been sure could handle it twice as well, crashed and burned. Rosalie even ignored calls. Alice gave a few a "talking to" because she got territorial. And surely in an attempt to make my head explode, Emmett had to play the joker and corral Edward and Jasper into making the girls' shift even more difficult. To top that off, Alice's punishment for Jasper rubbed off on the rest of us. The entire house was pruned with lust and melancholy. Emmett was in a constant state of would-be tears, knocking over every breakable in the house with his erection (which of course he found hilarious except that he cried after he laughed). Rose took to punishing him hourly. We didn't see Bella and Edward for a while as they refused to set foot in the main house with the atmosphere.

After a week of Jasper's mood, my dear, sweet-tempered Esme shocked us all by shouting, "Dear God, Alice, would you do us all a favor and fuck the man?!"

Emmett was very proud. He cried. Again.

Today, I sit alone in my study, still trying to fill the full-time staff positions for the call center, while simultaneously setting up satellite offices around the world. It was slowly coming together, but as it seemed to be a pattern, I needed to fill the upcoming shift and was coming up short.

I staunchly refused Emmett's offers to cover the phones by himself, reminding him that Rose would help me punish him and No, not in that way. Sometimes, I was sure the boy was one giant gland.

Then, as if a beam of sunlight broke through the clouds, help arrived on my doorstep.

"Jacob!" I smiled, perhaps a little wickedly, as he came over the threshold. "How are you?"

"Uh, good," he shook my hand tentatively.

"Hello Leah, Paul," I greeted the other pack members cordially as they followed Jacob in, scowls decorating their faces. Leah grunted in response. Paul mutely nodded.

"I'm so glad you're here!" I declared, realizing I sounded slightly insane.

Worry painted their features. "Um, Alice called a little while ago and said you needed us for something?" Jacob offered, extremely hesitant, like I was going to operate without anesthesia.

Alice. I swear that girl...

"Well, yes, actually," I hedged. "You've heard about the CCUC and our efforts with its fanfiction clients?"

Leah gagged audibly while Paul snarled. Jacob shifted his gaze around and coughed. "Yeah, heard about that."

"Well, we've got this call center, and I could really use your help answering the phones today. I'm still having trouble getting a reliable permanent staff together."

Before I could gauge what kind of response, there was another knock on the door. I didn't have the best feeling about this...

"Aro." My eyes could have popped out and fallen on the floor without my notice. An unannounced visit from Aro? Shit, Marcus and Caius, too? FUCK ME. "And Caius, Marcus...uh, so good to see you. Please come in."

I heard growls rumbling from the pack, and had this awful feeling that the three of them would fursplode, as Alice liked to say, in the middle of my foyer. "Jacob, Leah, Paul, this is Aro, from the Volturi, and his brothers Marcus and Caius. Aro, these are members of the wolf pack. They're family to the Cullens."

Leah grimaced, but Jacob and Paul swallowed their defenses to put on a good show.

"Delightful!" Aro was obviously amused as he offered his hand to Jake (as if to kiss it), though I noticed his nose wrinkle slightly. Jake stared at it like he could light it on fire.

"Christ, they stink!" Caius backed out the door and was waving his arms around, trying to disperse the imaginary foul cloud. Marcus rolled his eyes at him.

"Caius, you're such a child. Get in here and greet our new friends!" Aro reached further and grasped Jacob's hand in both of his, holding it still. Jacob's façade began to crack and he tried to pull his hand away. "Fascinating! They're afraid of us!"

Jacob roared and lunged to attack Aro, but Paul thankfully held him back. I'm positive I saw hackles raise between his shoulder blades. Aro swatted an advancing Caius, who fell backwards and cracked the molding by the door.

"WHOA!" I jumped between them and hollered. "Please calm down, guys," I spoke to the room. Where the fuck is Jasper when you need him? OH, right...making it up to Alice for his bad behavior. "I know this is strange, but we are all friends here, OK?"

Aro, still grinning in that creepy "everything is fucking delightful" way of his, extended his hand again. This time, he was obviously prepared for a handshake. The wolves still looked at it like it had fleas, but Jake took the plunge and shook it anyway.

"Fantastic!" Good lord, did Aro's lunch do a boatload of magic mushrooms or LSD or something? "Carlisle, my good man, I'm told there's something we can help you out with today. Some sort of goodwill mission for humans."

And that was how three Volturi and three wolves came together to man the phones for the OnCrotch Call Center.

God help us all.

~*~*~*~*~

ARO

This was altogether too exciting. How often did my brothers and I get the opportunity to interact with humans? Well, besides for meals, I mean. Even then, that was really just playing with our food. Ahahahahaa! This was actually being helpful to them. Enhancing their lives with profound charity!

My, Carlisle certainly had become one of the most altruistic beings I've ever encountered in many a century, human or otherwise. Actually, I'd never really encountered another vampire so compassionate towards such lesser creatures as humans. And to the dogs, even! Or wolves...whatever. Mongrels, really. Though they do seem fairly civilized, albeit shabbily dressed. The female is excruciatingly rude, but it is entertaining.

Oh, I'm supposed to be working here...Hmmm, this phone getup is interesting. I picked up the headset and leered at it. I never answer any calls or tend to such base activities in Volterra. Heidi or one of our servants took care of that, but I was somewhat intrigued to see how some of this equipment functioned. Carlisle took extra time to show me exactly how it worked and how to speak to my food—ahem—that is, the clients while they are on the line. I could certainly handle this. Yes. I could.

Before lines began to ring, I eyed Caius, who was sulking at the desk next to me. I stood and moved next to him, laying a hand on his neck. Fucking asshole. Why the FUCK should I be HERE helping HUMANS recover from ridiculous goddamn orgasms inspired by Cullens? They're not even REAL VAMPIRES, for fuck's sake. Fuck you, Aro. You know I'm right. Get your damn hand off me and get the fuck out of my head. I'm here. I'm going to work. Just back the fuck o—

"Caius, brother, relax! Didn't I promise you a stateside meal while we're here? If you're lucky, maybe you can try some of the local cuisine." A distinct loud rumble shook the tables on the other side of the room. I lifted my gaze to see all three mongrels—okay, wolves—glaring at me, teeth bared. "Oh, aren't they adorable, Marcus?" I teased. "They're like puppies!"

"Listen, leech!" The female jumped in front of her leader, Jacob, I believe, and pressed her soft chest to my ribs. "I'm more than disgusted by having to share this room with you all day, let alone for a fucking second! So, what do you say you shut the fuck up with the 'dog' remarks before we decide to have a stinking bloodsucker bonfire, eh?"

Jacob pawed her shoulders and pulled her behind him, still glaring daggers at me and Caius. "Don't bother, Leah," he tossed his order over his shoulder at her. "As for you, bloodsucker, back off, all right? We're all here to lend a hand to Carlisle, and that's it. OK?"

Sign of a true leader, the conciliator. Interesting. "So you are the alpha of your little group, yes?"

"What is this, get to know you? I think we have calls coming in," he snorted, turning and heading back to his appointed desk.

"Excellent!" I turned to see Marcus already on a call, Caius toying with his headset. I quickly sat back at my station and prepared myself to take a call. Moments later, the tiny red light flashed. I tapped the button.

"Greetings, mortal in distress! You have reached the Cullen Crotchsplosion Urgent Care's OnCrotch Call Center. You have the honor of speaking with Aro, leader of the Volturi. What, pray tell, is vexing you this wonderful day, sir or madam human?"

Click.

"Hello?"

...

"How...how rude!" I looked around the room momentarily. Everyone was on calls. Surely someone here can understand manners. I caught Marcus' eye and he just nodded. I clipped a smile and saw the red light flash again.

"Greetings! You have reached the Cullen Crotchsplosion Urgent Care's OnCrotch—"

"WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!? I GET YOU AGAIN?"

"Uh, madam?"

"Jesus H. RollerDerbyQueen Christ, I read some House of Lust and damn near blow a hole through the LazyBoy and all I want is some relief in the form of the hot CCC guys, and I get YOU harping on some shpiel about how you're a leader of some phony cult—"

"I resent that, you feedbag! The Volturi are the ruling..." I began choking on my words from the outrage. "What is your name?" I glanced to the screen briefly. "What? What is this BabySwan business? Do humans not give their spawn actual names anymore?"

"It's a handle, you overly formal jackass! As in, a nickname? A—"

I was utterly bored by this, so I tapped the off button, ending the call. It would have been so much more interesting if these so-called clients were here, so I could simply read their thoughts and see their distress. Oh, yes, that would be tasty, wouldn't it?

I felt their eyes before I turned. Paul, I believe his name was, had a paper airplane aimed directly at my head. Before he could blink, I had the folded masterpiece crumpled between my fingers, my teeth snapped at the tip of his nose. "I would think twice, pooch," I hissed, feeling the red begin to drain from my irises. "I might decide I need a snack..."

He literally growled at me, his eyes a delicious menace. "Aren't you supposed to be answering calls?" Jacob's strained voice pierced the air, and I spun to face him.

"Of course! My apologies," I offered with a sneer. "You may do well to remind your underlings of the same."

I felt the slightest ping of a paperclip on the back of my head. "Children, Marcus, aren't they wonderful?"

Marcus snorted and replied loudly, with slow clarity for canine ears, "Some of the best meals I've ever had."

Leah made some more ridiculous commentary, but I'd already begun to tune out the pitch of her voice. So, back to the task at hand.

The red light was already flashing again, so I settled in the chair—Carlisle really must get some higher quality furniture. I will have Heidi send him some from Italy.

"Greetings, delusionary human! You have—" Another paperclip hit me, this time in the eye. I followed the trajectory and found that it was Jacob this time. "What on earth?"

"Perhaps if you cut down the twenty-minute greeting, the person in distress wouldn't be so pissed by the time you SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP." So very discourteous, but I supposed he might have a point.

"Ah...This is the OnCrotch Call Center. I am Aro, may I ask what is troubling you today?" I pointedly glared at Jacob who actually chuckled, but nodded. Cheeky mutt.

"Yeah, hi...um, this is my first call here, but I really think I need some help...I *wheeze* am having a little trouble...*cough*...breathing...I've crotchsploded all over my kitchen and...*gah*..."

"Marvelous!"

"What?"

"I find this phenomenon simply fascinating, Madam Maylin."

"Are you kidding me?...*COUGH*..."

"Not at all! Would you mind describing this...crotchsplosion to me? I would so love to see this directly from your mind, but alas, we must accept the distance and settle for the description from a human mind," I sighed, closing my eyes.

"*Wheeze*...You're creeping me out."

"Really? That is so charming."

The bitch across the room muttered, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me," from across the room, as though I couldn't hear her. Does she not realize we have hearing to surpass all creatures? Even sophisticated human machinery? And such language.

"Charming? *Hack*...You are the shittiest OnCrotch Specialist I could have ever imagined. I had a bunch of yarn to dye up but now I'm useless from the waist down, so I can't get to my supplies! And you sit there telling me it's CHARMING!" She devolved into a fit of wet coughs.

"My dear human, I am here for you. I—" A strange chirping sounded. I turned to Caius who rolled his eyes and got up, walked to my side and pulled a tiny phone out of my pocket. I grabbed it from his hand, sliding my fingers across his skin. It's your fucking cellphone you pompous ass.

"My, such ill-humor, brother," I teased before opening the phone. "Hello?...Sulpicia, dear, what can I do for you..."

"Holy hell...the asshole is on ANOTHER CALL??!"

"I left Gianna in charge of all meals while we were out of town!...I can't be—"

"FUUUCK!"

"Darling, I must call you back. Or speak with Demetri, he can speak for me on these matters....I have a nasty human on the line here....Yes, yes, my mate, I will speak to you later." Rolling my eyes, I set down the cellular device and shifted my attention to the whining that rang through the headset.

"Miss Maylin, I daresay you are overreacting. What were you reading?" I was truly weary of this.

"Urrgghhhhh...The Blessing and The Curse..."

"OH! That sounds promising!" I was suddenly intrigued again. "Please tell me about the story!"

Suddenly, static broke over the line. "This is CCC, we're on the scene, we'll take care of Miss Maylin now. She'll be fine. No yarns were harmed in this crotchsplosion." The call ended.

Ridiculous.

Realizing I had yet to get to hear about any of these tales humans read about the Cullens, I anxiously picked up the next call.

"Greetings! You have—AHEM—that is, uh, this is the OnCrotch. Aro speaking, how can I assist you?" OnCrotch. That really is quite crude. I will speak to Carlisle about it later on.

"Yes...I uh...wow...I'm having trouble breathing..."

"Compelling. More breathing irregularities? Continue, Miss Naelany," I said in my most soothing voice. "Tell me what you were reading when this difficulty began."

"Uh...I wasn't...I was actually writing my fic—"

"YOUR fic? Is that what you call your Cullen tales? Wonderful! Do tell me all about this fic you are composing!"

"Um, okay...it's called At the Deep End and revolves around Jasper and Edward—"

"Jasper and Edward? Is this an adventure story, like pirates? Dueling swords and that kind of caper?" The poor woman was overtaken in a torrent of hysterical laughter. I could not fathom what on earth set her off. She began choking on her own veno—er, saliva, I imagined.

"...*gasp*...Wow...I just had an image of the swordfighting...*pant*...um, sure...you could say that, in a manner of speaking...*snicker*"

"Thrilling! So who dominates?"

"*Cackle*...um..."

"Oh, perhaps I should read it for myself," I mused aloud. "Are they great foes? What kind of booty is at stake?"

"..."

"Hello?"

"..."

"Miss Naelany?"

"What in the holy hell are you playing at there? This is the CCC, and Miss Naelany was completely incapacitated and not breathing when we arrived. We've revived her, but she's being transported to her VIP suite at the CCUC for extreme therapy and rest." Click.

How disappointing. At least I'd gotten the name of the story so that I might search it out later. I did appreciate a good swashbuckling yarn.

~*~*~*~*~

JACOB

I CANNOT believe we got roped into this.

I should have known better than to pick up that call. Alice was always too fucking sweet and always bowled my shit right over. I never thought I'd get along with the Cullens so well, but since C.C. and I were closer than ever (Bella made me come up with something besides "Nessie" to call Renesmee, and since her given name was rigoddamndiculous, I came up with C.C. from her middle and last names), I found it increasingly easier to be friends and even family with everyone. Except Rose. That bitch can suck it.

So we've been here less than an hour and already Aro's been in my face, like the arrogant asswipe he is. He also had the balls to say we were afraid of him. That was not what I was thinking. Swear. I was thinking it freaked me out that the douchebag wore his fucking robe all the way here from Italy. Put on some pants, man! I know you don't do jeans, but Christ, you didn't just get out of the sauna. And no, I don't care if it's woven from the hair of your enemies or whatever.

Leah nearly had a coronary any time one of the royal pricks dared to gesture in our direction. Like I needed her more aggravated. There was a clear line between our side of the room and theirs. And that was fine by me.

I took a deep breath and tried to shake the tension out of my muscles. I supposed I should have put a shirt on 'cause Aro kept staring at me. I thought they had wives? Must be his beard. Whatever.

I finally sat back down and mentally prepared myself to take a few calls. The light blinked, and I put on the headset.

"OnCrotch, This is Jake, how can I help?" Jesus, Bells wasn't kidding. That feels even more idiotic once you actually say it.

"What? Who? DID YOU SAY JAKE??!"

"Um, yes?" I admit it. I'm a little freaked now.

"Oh fuuuuuck...*splat!*" Ew. I don't even wanna know what that was.

"Um, Miss Ceci9293?" Ceci?

"Yeah? Ohhh...do you mind if I call you Jailbait?"

"What?" What the fuck?

"Nevermind."

"So, are you having trouble breathing? Or something like that?" Wow, I am SO not qualified for this.

"I can breathe okay...I just...UNNNNNGGHH..."

HOLY HELL.

"Gawwd, is this really Jacob?"

"Yes, ma'am." I'ma kill Edward. He could've told me what went down on these calls...

"Awww, man, that was the last clean pair...and now the Teeniest Bitchface is smirking at me. NICE! Isn't mommy funny?!"

"Ceci, um, why uh...what's causing the mess?"

"It's a little embarrassing...I was reading Life According to Seth, and I was laughing so hard, but then I saw some new Jailbait pics and—"

Hold up. "Sorry, what? There's stories about Seth?"

"Uh, yeah. A couple. So good. But that wasn't—"

"Wait, okay, so what are these about? They center on SETH?"

"Don't get all bunged up, wolfstud, you're the hottest thing on four paws."

Hahahahaaa...AHEM. "Yeah, uh, OK...sure, thanks."

"DUDE, are you BLUSHING?" Fucking Paul.

"NO!" I shouted over my shoulder.

"What?"

"Um, sorry...I wasn't talking...nevermind," I mumbled, clearing my throat. "So, Ceci, how are you feeling? I'm sure the, uh, CCC? They'll be there any minute, right?"

"Are you wearing a shirt?"

"Excuse me?"

"I SAID, are you shirtless? Naked from the waist up? Sporting the eight-pack? Bouncing your unclothed pecs? Oiling up the guns?"

What on earth? "Um...yes?"

"REALLY?"

"Wait, what?...Why?"

"JUST PLAY ALONG WITH ME, MAN!"

Jesus, I bet Emmett ate this shit up. "Fine, yes! I'm shirtless and rubbing suntan oil on my chest and all over my rippling abs—"

"/THUD." I actually heard her hit the floor and, uh, crotchsplode (*gag*). Luckily, I heard the CCC arrive just after that, and they took over. But not before verbally berating me for egging her on. SHE WANTED IT. I WAS BEING ACCOMODATING! WHY DO I ALWAYS GET IN TROUBLE FOR BEING ACCOMODATING TO CHICKS?!

Deep breath, man. You can do this.

I caught Leah eyeing me from her desk. More like stabbing my forehead with her glare, but whatever. "Having fun, Clearwater?" I teased.

"Fuck you, Jake," Leah snarled.

"Nasty," I continued. "You know I don't think of you like that."

"Children," she mutted to herself, turning back to her screen.

Ugh...I rolled my head around in circles, trying to loosen up again and take another call. OK, here we go...

"OnCrotch, Jake, how can I help ya?"

"NO. FUCKING. WAY! TOOT! TOOT! MOTHERFUCKERS!!" Oh. Dear. God.

"Miss, uh, Sareeswfla?" There was hooting, hollering, and I swear I heard singing/rapping about "dolphins, flips & shit" or something like that.

"YESH!! Do you work out in the rain?"

"What?" Seriously. Fuck my life.

"Ahhahahahaha...I'm kidding. Sort of. *squish*"

"What was that noise?"

"THAT, my dear nearly-legal boy, is a CROTCHSPLOSION, and the reason for my call."

"You're awfully calm."

"It's strange, isn't it? Wait, tell me about your workout regimen or something."

"Um, I don't work out. I run with the pack in wolf-form but—"

I felt a stapler clip my ear and spun to see Leah raising an eyebrow in challenge. I covered the microphone and responded. "You really want to provoke me?"

"OOOhhhhh, that's so HOOOOTTT...unfff.."

Shit, she can still hear us. "Later, Clearwater. You and me. It's ON."

"Whatever. I could kick your sorry ass in my sleep, Black." I swear, Harry and Sue should have drowned her at birth.

"Sorry, uh, for the interruption. So how are you doing?"

"Unnnnnnghhhh...*splatter*...WOW."

This cannot be real. "Miss?"

"Yeah, yeah...still here. 'Sploded all over myself again. Listening to you bitch out LEAH—HA!! Then, I pictured you all nakey-time and...unnffff...SHIT. These socks are NOT superwash and that is NEVER coming out. HA! I said, 'COMING!'"

...

"Jailbait? I mean, uh, Jacob?"

"Ye—" My voice inexplicably jumped four octaves. "Uh, yes. Sorry, I need a quick sip of water...dry in here."

"So, are you seriously all up on Remumblemumble?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAA! It seemed that suddenly the entire room stopped. Everyone was staring at me. What the fuck?

Oh, shit. I laughed out loud.

"Were you just talking about Rene—"

"COME ON, dude. No one thinks 'RUH-NEZ-MAY' was a sound choice. More like, 'how stupid of a name can I come up with?'"

HAHAHAHAHAHA—I stopped and looked around. Shit, I did it again.

"I, *AHEM*, yeah, well...I kinda hate it, a little. OK, it's ridiculous," I admitted. Very quietly. With my hand over the microphone. Yes, I was aware there were two vamps with superhuman hearing in the room. Just as long as Bella couldn't hear me.

"WOOOOOOT! Hahahaa....I love you, man. No, seriously. I love you. You make me cream my jeans on a daily basis, and therefore do way more fucking laundry than I should ever have to, but I love you. Can I ride that shit?"

"This is the CCC; we're on scene and have Miss Sareeswfla in hand. Dear God, the mess...*Taylor, we're going to need an extra cleanup crew*..."

Click.

Am I supposed to understand what the fuck happened after each call?

~*~*~*~*~

CAIUS

This is the biggest crock of bullshit ever.

I couldn't believe Aro talked me into coming. OK, so he fucking badgered me. My brother the leader. I swear, next thing I know he's going to start walking around with a fucking sceptre and sporting a crown.

I mean, I liked Carlisle as much as he did, but seriously? We travel all the way to Bumfuck, Washington to answer fucking phones? The entire trip I'd been trying to figure out where he came up with this harebrained idea. He mentioned something about Alice calling, but not to worry. He did promise me a good meal, so he'd better deliver. And actually, I wouldn't mind a bit of canine...but those dogs fucking STINK.

Aro was amused beyond reason at every single call he took, though I think everything those women said went straight over his head. My brother didn't exactly keep up with the pop culture. While incredibly intelligent, slang doesn't exactly compute.

"Caius, my dear brother, we're here to answer these calls of human anguish! Get thee to your headset!" I whispered mockingly to myself. Marcus snickered behind me, but Aro was listening to himself talk, so he completely missed it. For now. I'm sure Marcus will run and tell him just to be a little kiss-ass.

The red light on my screen started to flash. It's feeding time back in Volterra.

"Caius. I'm here to help," I said sarcastically. "What's exploding for you today?"

"Nice attitude...*pant*...What the hell?...*gasp*...Dammit, I can't breathe..."

"Oh, right...uh, well, try to relax..." This is TORTUROUS.

"Gee, thanks...I had NOT thought of that!...FUCK...*cough*..."

"Of course, well, Miss Aradi, might I ask what you were reading or viewing upon your, uh, explosion?"

"Hahaha! Yeah, the 'splosion...oh, man, you might be a dick, but even you could appreciate the hotness...*wheeze*...and deliciousness...*slurp*...of Tropic of Virgo. FUCKHOT, that is."

"Right; noted." Someone pull my arms off. No. My ears. Rip my ears off. I've never heard of successfully making a vampire deaf, but there is a first time for everything. Although Carlisle would probably find some genius fucking way to fix it.

"What the fuck(1), man? Aren't you supposed to be helping me out or something? At this point, I think you're HURTING. Epic fucking fail, if you ask me."

"Way to make me feel guilty. I'm just swimming in it now. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, how awful I feel."

"AAAAAhahahahahahahaa.....*choke*...You *cough*...evil sick fuck...*cough-cough*...hahahahahaaaa...."

Evil? Sick fuck? I think I'm in love. Athenodora, you have been replaced. KIDDING. ARO WHEN YOU READ THIS IN MY HEAD LATER, JUST KNOW I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU IF YOU TELL MY WIFE. "That...may be...the nicest thing anyone's said to me in...a century or...four. Wow...If I could cry, I think I would."

"*wheeze*...You're not gonna, like,...*pant*...ask me to go steady or some shit, right?"

"Um, no. My wife would not appreciate that...unless you were for dinner." Oops. I think Carlisle asked us not to joke about that. My bad. HAHAHAHAHA...who'm I kidding? I've been waiting to make a comment.

"Hahahahaha...yeah, sorry. No meal ticket here. Literally..."

I think I might be sick. I kinda like this human. I had no idea they had were capable of such a sense of humor. "Too bad. I'm quite hungry."

"Holy fuck, man. I'm drowning in my own crotchjuice here. Is the CCC coming or what?"

Aaaand she just lost her flavor. "Any time now. Just, ya know, breathe slow and don't read any more of Debussy88—"

FUCK.

"YOU READ IT! YOU FUCKING POSER! YOU'VE BEEN READING FANFICTION!!!"

"Fuck-off-go-choke-on-your-own-crotchjuice,thanksbye."

The snickering bastard behind me was about to lose a limb. Or his head. "Marcus, so help me, if you say another word..."

"Why hasn't Aro said anything about it? He had to have seen that in there!" He tapped at his temple as he spoke, the nauseating knowitall sort of grin plastered on his ugly mug.

"Just shut the fuck up, OK? Take another goddamn call," I hissed. Another laugh stung my ears. I twisted the other way to see the female covering her mouth. "What, bitch?"

Her expression stilled. "Call me a bitch again. Do it. I DARE you."

A smile grew crookedly. "Dog. Female. Female dog. Bitch."

"LEAH!" Jacob chided, increasing my grin, and amusement. "Don't even bother, okay? Just get through it."

She gnashed her teeth. "Fine. But I'm taking it out on YOU later."

"You wish," he muttered.

"Asshole."

Children. Such children.

"Caius, how may I assist you?" I absolutely refused to say "OnCrotch." That was beyond my capacity.

"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!"

Oh good. "Right. Well, Miss SorceressCirce, the CCC will be there very soon, so sit tight."

"Are you fucking kidding? SIT TIGHT? What else can I do, you colossal jackass? I CAN'T WALK. I was reading through some recent chapters of All I Ever Knew and crotchsploded so hard—"

Why does every word around this place manage to include 'crotch?'

"—I blew a hole right through my pants! My gawwwd, Jasper and Edward together are so—"

"They're brothers, that's disgusting." Thoughts of kissing Aro brought up half a millenia's worth of stale vomit.

"Dipshit, they're not brothers in this fic, and to boot, they're not real brothers anyway. What is your problem?"

"I KNEW THAT." I did, right? Yeah, of course I did. That'd be...weird. Forget it. "Right, so, they're all hot together and blah blah...what else?"

"Um, who am I talking to again?"

"Caius."

"Well, Caius?"

"Yeah?"

"You suck at this. I'ma wait for the CCC in silence and meditate on the fact that I'd rather be paralyzed from the waist down, in a puddle of my own juices than be 'calmed and/or comforted' by you." Click.

Well that was easy. Seems I've found an easy way to get through the day.

LEAH

Black is asking for it. How in the fucking hell did that little shit talk me into this? OH, that's right, because he's my ALPHA. .Real.

I'd taken three calls and every one of these feebleminded whorebags was OBSESSED with the leeches. Seriously, how is that possible? Okay, maybe Bella isn't SO bad, but she still reeks since she turned. GOOD CHOICE, BELLA. Gahhh... Two of the calls came while they were on the line. And that was ONLY because they said "Edward" out loud. I'm not even kidding. I vomited in my mouth just a little then.

I tried to fall asleep sitting up, but Paul kept flicking my earlobes every time I'd get relaxed. I am going for a solo run after this shit. I'd finally given up sleeping and decided to take a few more calls. Maybe the day would be over by then.

"Why are you such a crotchmonster, this is Leah." Okay, maybe I could do a little better than that....Nah.

"Excuse me? Ya know, I kinda like that...CROTCHMONSTER...hahahaha...ugh.... Speaking of crotches, though, I'm swimming in pantiesplosion here. Aren't you supposed to be—...oh, wait, you said this is Leah? I'm screwed."

I did not exactly appreciate that, but she did like my crotchmonster joke. That was something. "OK, maybe I deserved that, but you gotta admit, I got a raw deal, uh, Miss Amander."

"Yeah, that sucked, but AM I ON THE LINE TO HELP YOU??"

"Fine. So, you're all 'sploded' or whatever and soiled yourself—"

"I didn't shit myself, woman, I spontaneously crotchsploded. The Lost Boys is such an incredible fic. Even the non-lemons are hot. I mean, GAHHH...the description of the music and performances by Edward and—"

Okay, I cannot handle another Edward-obsessed. "Yeah, yeah...got it. Edward is sooooo amazing and sooooo good at EVERYTHING he does...Jesus. DOES NO ONE REMEMBER WHAT A CREEPY STALKER HE IS?"

"You're totally jealous, aren't you?"

I laughed. Cackled, even. "HA! Jealous? Pffft! I have NO interest in the emo-leech. It's bad enough I have to be around them at all. Man, way to roil the guts...I think I WILL barf now."

"I'm not talking about EDWARD. I meant jealous OF Edward. Well, Edward and Bella. You thought you had yours and—"

"LALALALALALALALALALALA." Seriously, I do NOT NEED a shrinkfest right now. Deep breath. Breathe. Inhale, Exhale. Focus on your breath. Something about breathing. Wait, what? Maybe I should've finished that yoga class.... "Moving OOOOOON. So, tell me all about this awesome Edwardcentric fiction that's got your ladybits all atwitter." I may have been a little sarcastic.

"Uhh, well, I was reading The Lost Boys, like I said."

"Wait, wait, wait...Isn't that a—" Fucking hell... "—VAMPIRE movie?"

"Yeah, but this is totally unrelated...they're not vampires at all. Ugh, you really do suck at this. I'm 'sploded, horny, and talking to a completely compassionless—"

"CCC here, we'll take care of Miss Amander now. WOW, this is messy." Click.

I looked at the clock on the wall. The face was cracked, and it hung next to a huge patch of spackle. What the hell went on in here? This building was brand new, I thought. I shrugged off the inane thought and zeroed in on the evil red flashing light before me. Christ, will this day EVER END?

"Crotchbusiness. Leah."

"Don't be such a cunt, Leah! You're better than this! Not that I give a shit, at the moment, as I'm tit-deep in crotchflood and paralyzed. Seriously, some radio dude is crying, 'Oh, the humanity!' I'm sure of it."

Ok, she called me a cunt, but then the whole tit-deep comment..."*AHEM*...Miss Rasch, you are too correct. My attitude is completely inappropriate."

"..."

"Miss Rasch?"

"You're fucking with me, right?"

"Yes, actually, I am. I couldn't help myself. But if it makes you feel any better, I completely love the Hindenburg reference. I actually have a fascination with history, but for the love of GOD, don't tell the civil war freak. He'd probably try to mush me up with his, uh, mush powers and...whatever. Point is, I know shit."

"I know you're not a moron, asshole. Can we focus on ME, please?"

"Whatever you say, crotchblossom. So, what are you reading?" I started biting my nails. Ew...dirty.

"I'm reading Poughkeepsie, but then I finally read the last chap of The Screamers. Between the two, my bits were totally blown. The Littlest Edward was terrified."

WHAT, NOW? What. The. Fuck. Is. A. LITTLEST. EDWARD? And furthermore, WHY, GOD?! WHY!?!?

"It's an action figure of Edward—"

Sweet Death, take me now.

"—and...and you're totally thinking HOW much you hate Edward and the whole vamptastic crew, well I'm here to tell you: GET THE FUCK OVER IT. K?"

"Fuck, ballbuster. Relax. You should be relaxing. Take a deep breath," I tried to sound all yogini or whatever the fuck. Hey, I did take one class, and I did kinda relax, except I fell asleep. I ran across the state that day, okay? Fuuuck. "Breathe in your mouth and out your nose."

"Christ, Leah, it's in your NOSE and out your MOUTH. Jesus and Baby Jailbait, why on EARTH did they let you in that call center?"

"Ya know, bitch? I haven't the slightest. I didn't even WANT to do this! I wanted to strip to the skin, change, and run to Vancouver. Then, I was going to get really fucking shitfaced, find some tempting man-meat and fuck his brains out. After THAT, I'd ditch the dick and take a nap by the water—the sounds are soothing—and wake up and run back in the morning. But since I COULDN'T, I'm HERE talking to a bunch of deluded Leech Lovers who can't even manage to read some smut without flooding their house with vadge juice!"

I panted as I'd barely taken a breath during my rant. Slowly, I began to notice the room around me was eerily silent. I looked up and scanned to find every pair of eyes staring at me. I must have gotten pretty loud. The Royal Leech family stared at me like I was dinner. I bit back a growl as I heard the woman on the line laughing her fucking ass off.

"Honey," she said. "There are plenty of us who love us some wolfpack. We do. But YOU, my not-so-subtle friend—OK, we're not friends, but whatever—really do need to get laid. I suggest you read some of our 'LEECH-LOVER SMUT' and get a few crotchsplosions of your own. In fact, I'm going to add to the chaos and reread the wedding night chap of Poughkeepsie, and maybe some hot phone sex exploits from The Screamers. I'm sure CCC will be here soon, so you go on and get some. Hell, grab Paul and just kick the sexy shit out of each other. You need an outlet."

Click.

PAUL?! Whaaa? That had to be the most...I mean, I've seen him naked, for fuck's sa—...*AHEM*...I suppose he is...tall and...uh, well..um... I realized suddenly I'd been staring at a blinking screen. This is ridiculous. Now, I'm fucking horny and all I can think of is Paul and his...dammit.

I threw the headset on the desk and kicked my chair over as I got up. I charged for the door but King Stinkpire did that superfast vampire shit and appeared in front of the door, blocking my exit.

"Remember what I said about a bloodsucker bonfire? Offer still stands, mullet-man."

He said nothing, but wrapped his long, icy fingers around my wrist, his chill tingling awkwardly through my body. I yanked at my hand, but struggling against marble will only leave bruises or broken bones. He smiled a really fucking annoying, "I know what you're thinking" smile, snickered, and released me. I heard growling over my shoulders and knew my pack was behind me. I moved slowly to get out the door when I heard that fucker Aro gloat to Paul.

"She's feeling somewhat amorous towards you."

I froze, my hand trying to crush the doorknob. Spinning to face the smug sonofabitch, I caught Paul looking at me strangely. I warred with myself whether I wanted to tear the vamp limb from limb or run like hell.

I chose to run like hell.

Before I could get far, however, Paul had caught up and stopped me. I couldn't change unless I new I was alone; I did NOT want any of them in my head.

"Stop! Leah, I...shit, why do you let that asshole get to you? Fuck. I..." He ran his hand through his hair, frustrated. What the fuck?

"Dude, it's fine. He's an asshole, and probably a few centuries off of actual normal interaction with anything relatively human, so why would I give a shit?"

"Did you...think something...about...?"

"NO! God, Paul...that's disgusting. We're practically related. I'm just...uh...ya know, it's been a while." I spoke really fast, hoping he wouldn't say anything else and just leave me alone.

"I'm just, well...I haven't...it might not be a terrible idea...I mean, after listening to some of those callers, I—"

"OH HELL, Paul, you got wood from listening to those crotchmonsters?"

He pushed forward, slamming his chest against mine.

"OW! Dude, I have BREASTS, you fucker!" I noticed he was breathing hard, his gaze unflinching. "Paul...you're kind of, uh, freakin' me...out...here..."

"There was this one caller who told me about a story...it was you and me. It made a lot of sense...but it just gave me an idea," he spoke softer, cocking an eyebrow.

I realized I hadn't stepped back. I realized my nipples were hard. I realized my jeans were soaking through a little at the contact, the weight of his stare, the feel of his breath on my face...

CPOV

I closed the door behind Aro and his brothers, so thrilled to have the day over. Silently, I went up the stairs to my and Esme's room. I laid on the bed, as though I could sleep once my eyes were closed. I felt my wife enter and lie down next to me.

"Was it really that bad?" As much as I didn't want to talk about it, Esme's voice always soothed me, and encouraged me.

"I might just kill Alice," I said quietly. Her low chuckle made me echo her. "Aro and his brothers and three of the wolves? I'm surprised the building still stands. I already had to have major structural repairs after Emmett—"

"Carlisle, no one's dead. There aren't any walls to rebuild. Calls got answered! It wasn't the best day for customer service, but it's over, right?"

"Edward overheard Paul and Leah having sex in the woods outside the office."

Esme snorted and pressed her face into the mattress to mask her throaty laughs. "Well, anyone could tell you that girl needed to get fu—"

"Esme!" I chided, my smirk giving me away.

"So what's so awful about a little forest fucking?"

The look she was giving me told me she didn't want to talk about the OnCrotch center much longer.

"Nothing," I replied, moving to hover over her. "It was the physical altercation between Jacob and Caius. Aro was on and on about how 'fantastic!' and 'thrilling!' it was to bring 'two mongrels' together and how he just hoped they didn't make any 'stinky puppies' and 'pollute the world anymore'...Jacob changed right then and there, all hulksmash-ripping through his clothes and ripped Aro's head off."

My darling, petite little wife, whose dirtytalk button-pushing was derailed by her shock, shoved me off so that I fell to the floor. Half a second later, she pounced and straddled me. "HOW DID I MISS THIS? HOW DID ANYONE MISS THIS?"

"Alice conveniently had all you girls in Seattle for the day. Edward stumbled in upon the aftermath following a hunt with Emmett and Jasper, who both found it fucking hilarious, before Jasper finally helped calm the situation. Marcus put his head back on, but apparently Caius was laughing too hard. I think he's still holding a grudge against Aro for coming here today.

"Jesus Christ, Esme, that is the absolute LAST time I let my family OR friends for help with this project."

She giggled, her original train of thought steaming up again. "Maybe it should just be you and me...if we needed OnCrotch backups..." She wriggled her ass, grinding on my...well, my crotch.

Fuck it. Life is good.