A/N: Dear fucking JESUS I have a lot of stories I need to finish. Oh well. My New Beginning and Reality can WAIT. I'm in a South Park mood, dammit!

… And maybe You're On will get a sequel eventually.

ANYWAYS.

There are a LOT of couples I like, so I might be spewing out other stories soon. You can possibly look forward to StanxKenny, StanxKyle, CraigxTweek, CraigxThomas, StanxGary, GregoryxChristophe…

Right now: KYLExCARTMAN, BIOTCHES!

~`'~

He did it. He finally fucking did it. After twelve years, he finally made it happen.

Can you imagine our surprise? Can you imagine the looks on our faces as Eric Cartman, fatass extraordinaire, walked into the lunchroom with barely an ounce of fat on his body? Can you imagine our dumbfounded thoughts as he pulled off his now oversized red coat and revealed a tight shirt over a tight stomach? And can you even begin to fathom how we felt when he said he wasn't eating lunch that day?

I watched as Clyde, Token, Tweek, Craig, and Butters sat down next to him for a friendly conversation. I saw Bebe, Wendy, and Rebecca cast him flirtatious winks from across the cafeteria. Even Stan and Kenny were starting to discuss going over to be pals with him. And sure, maybe when I saw his new fat-free face, my downstairs area got all tingly and my cheeks heated up…

But I wasn't fooled.

I knew what was happening – his new looks were drawing everyone in. That mountain of lard had hidden a quite sexy boy underneath it for a long time. And now, here he was. How'd he do it? Oh, exercise and eating right, that was his reply. What else could he do during a two month suspension from school?

"Seriouslah you guys, I wasn't prepared… two months! Who knew they could do it that long? I got bored, you guys…"

I still wasn't fooled. For one, two months is NOT long enough for a boy of his considerable size to trim down. And second… his eyes hadn't changed one goddamn bit. I saw them when he walked by me to gloat about his new body. They glittered maliciously, and inside them I saw the monster he would always be. He still talked the same, too. No change there. And the best part?

"So, Jew. Thought I couldn't do it, yeah? Ha! I proved you wrong, eh Kahl? No more "fatass," huh Kahl? And you're still a Jew! I could change, but you can't!"

His attitude toward me was just as obnoxious as it had been for the past twelve years.

"Oh, shut up Cartman," I retorted. "So what if you aren't fat anymore? You're still you."

I saw Stan lean toward Kenny. Faintly, I heard, "Dude, Kyle's right. We should still keep away from him. He's not different at all."

"I was gonna tell you the same thing," Kenny said with a grin.

"No you weren't dude. You're too stupid."

I looked back to Cartman as they started to laugh with each other. He was practically snarling at me. "Oh, that's it, huh Kahl? I change for the better, and all you can do is insult me?"

I shook my head. "Don't turn this around on me, douche bag. You started it. Stop calling me a Jew, and I'll leave you alone!"

"You are a goddamn Jew!"

"I'm not the Jew YOU seem to think I am!"

Cartman looked puzzled. The snarl on his (fucking sexy) face faded a bit. "… What? I just think you're a Jew."

I stood up, my hands clenching by my sides as I struggled to hold in my anger. Sometimes he was so fucking clueless! "You fucking retard! I'm just a fifteen-year-old boy who happens to be Jewish! You, however, see me as a lying, cheating, unfair sonofabitch whose only purpose in life is to make yours harder! So what do you do? You fuck with me!I'm just a gay fucking toy to you!"

Cartman blinked a few times, almost as though he were lost for words. Then, "… But Kahl, you are gay."

"AHHH!" I threw my hands in the air before turning around and stomping out of the cafeteria.

~`'~

It was funny, watching the weeks go by. Cartman kept the weight off – he was eating a lot less – but that wasn't enough. Soon, his horrible attitude and personality got to everyone again. The first person to come back was Tweek, actually, and that was a day after me and Cartman's 'argument.' He said he felt loyalty to me from how nice I'd been to him when he was replacing Kenny as our friend. It was a long time ago, but he still felt obligated. Plus, he said Cartman was still an ass.

Slowly, Clyde, Craig, and Token made their way back to the lunch table they usually sat at. The girls stopped flirting, too, and eventually all Cartman had was Butters. Then again, when didn't he have Butters? Of course, he'd had Stan, Kenny and I at one point, but we'd drifted apart from him for our own good about a year before.

I could see how badly it infuriated him. He didn't get it – what were they doing? Why did they dislike him again? He hadn't expected it at all. I realized it was all part of his plan – get skinny, and the kids like him. And Cartman hates when his plans are ruined. So now, he was out of friends again. As I watched him rest his face in his hand and look unamused as Butters prattled on, I couldn't help but laugh.

"What's so funny, dude?" Stan asked me curiously.

"Fat-Free Fuckup is getting what he deserves," I replied.

~`'~

One night, as I lay on my bed reading a book, my mother came in to inform me that Cartman had called.

"He says he needs your help with his homework, Kyle," she said. "Can you go over?"

I wanted to say no. Oh, god, I wanted to say NO. But I could tell that my mom was in one of her 'don't argue with me' moods. So I reluctantly obliged, put my jacket and hat on, and walked to Cartman's house.

His mother was there to greet me. Oh, what a shock! I had him to be there to rub it in my face that he was forcing me into his house.

"He's upstairs, hun," his mother said sweetly. I smiled at her a bit weakly before walking into the living room and up the stairs. The house didn't really look all that different from how it had looked in the past. Well… Mr. Kitty's bed was now filled by a new white kitten, but that was about it. I knocked on Cartman's door, and he immediately answered.

"Kahl! Kahl, come in, come in." I stared at him in shock as he held the door open. He was… shirtless. He was wearing old, faded blue jeans and no goddamn shirt. And what was more, the look on his face wasn't cruel; it was worried. I slowly walked into his room and he shut the door.

"Kahl, do I look fat to you?" Cartman did a slow turn in front of me. "Have I gained it back?"

I sighed. "No, retard. You're still skinny. And I think you'd know if that much fat came back."

He started to pace around the room, his hand on his chin. "I know, but... the kids were starting to like me, and now they don't! Are you sure? I mean, maybe…"

"It's because you're an ass, Cartman!"

"No, that can't be it…"

I put my face in my hands. "Jesus, Cartman, you are so…" As I lifted my head again, I noticed something along his side. "Er, Cartman?"

He immediately turned to look at me. "Yes, Kahl?"

I stood up and walked over to him. Wordlessly, I ran my fingers down the huge scar on the right side of his torso. He shivered under my touch, and I tried to ignore it. As much as I hated him, I LOVED hot guys…

As I examined the scar, it suddenly made sense.

"Cartman, did you get liposuction?"

"… What?"

I looked into his eyes. Sure enough, they were alarmed and wary; a secret had been uncovered. "This scar… the fact that you got so thin in only two months… you got liposuction!"

I walked away from him and plopped down on his bed. "Jesus, Cartman! What were you thinking?"

He shuffled his feet uncomfortably and looked away. "Well… you always call me a fatass, so I thought…"

"Oh, just shut up." I looked away from him and focused on his blanket instead. I wasn't seeing the colors, though. I was seeing him.

"… That not how I think about you."

I looked over at Cartman again. "Huh?"

He took a deep breath and looked into my eyes. "I… I don't see you the way you say I do. I see you as… um…"

I felt my heart start pounding in my chest. Why is my heart doing that? He's not about to say anything big, right…?

"I… I see you as a fifteen year old Jewish kid who… has a lot of friends. I see you as… the kid I could never be friends with."

I blinked. "Cartman, we ARE friends." Then I realized my mistake. Fool! I was playing into his 'I know you're better than me' act. Now he would use my statement to his advantage.

He surprised me. "No, we're not. You know that, Kahl. Friends don't hate each other." His eyes were now displaying the deepest look of regret and sorrow I'd ever seen. "I know what you're thinking. 'Cartman, if you want to be friends, why are you such a dick?'" He sighed. "The truth is… I don't know any other way, Kahl. A long time ago, I really did… mostly… hate you. But in fifth or sixth grade, that changed. I just didn't know how to change our relationship."

I watched as he began to pace again, his posture tired and defeated. "I thought… I thought, maybe if I improve myself… I mean, he's gay! Maybe he'll like me…"

My heart leapt. "Wait, wait, wait… you like me, Cartman? That way?"

He shrugged sheepishly. "Sort of." Then he looked at me again. "I wasn't done earlier, Kahl. I see you as…" He hesitated nervously. "… I see you as a pretty boy with a sweet ass and a cute smile and the best personality ever." He closed his eyes and turned his head down, as if trying to avoid a blow. I stared at him.

"Cartman… do you mean that?"

He opened one eye and looked at me. "With all my heart, Kahl."

I took a deep breath. "How can I be sure you mean it?"

He opened both eyes and gave me a small smile. Slowly, he walked toward me, his eyes gentle. Then he took my face in his hands and pulled us close. "Like this, Kahl…"

My heart was beating furiously in my chest. "Cartman, please, this is so cliché…"

He chuckled. "I don't have any better ideas."

And we kissed.

~`'~

He's still skinny, because I asked him if he could keep it that way. Sure, when we snuggle at night, he's not as warm as he would have been… but that's okay. I love him anyway.

And I NEVER imagined actually saying that.

~`'~

A/N: Funny story. As I'm finishing this up at 1:30 in the morning, the SP episode "Gnomes" came on. Even funnier, I didn't think this channel RAN SP. It's not Comedy central. O_o

Anyway. Dunno how lipo works… and definitely don't care.

Skinny Cartman, good or bad? You decide. I had fun.

OverSweetNightmare, away! –flies off-