Chapter Five

AN. Well my avid readers..

I am aware it has been a long time but you shall be pleased to know I have found just listen :)

I know it's been a while but please stick with it :)

I knew it wasn't healthy but for the entire weekend I kept drifting to Annabel, he face swirled around in my head and I wondered if she had bothered to listen to my show. I wondered what seeing her in school would be like, if she would pay any attention to me or if she would studiously ignore me. I found myself sat on the wall next to Annabel, her head was slightly bent and I could tell that she was contemplating talking to me.

"So, did you listen?" She put her sandwich down which I hadn't realised she'd been holding.

"To you're show?" she asked which kind of gave me the impression that she had forgotten all about it.

"Yeah" I answered bracing myself for whatever lame excuse was about to tumble out of her mouth.

She nodded. " I did, actually."

"And?" I asked trying to mask my joy.

"Well, it was... interesting."

"Interesting." I repeated. Was that the best she could come up with?

"Yeah," she said, obviously feeling quite awkward. "I'd, um, never heard those songs before."

I sat and contemplated the outcomes either she had watched it and she was lying about liking the music or she hadn't watched it and was attempting to lie her way out of it. Both of these outcomes included lying, and I didn't like it. I stood up quickly closing the agreed distance in a matter of seconds.

"Okay, did you really listen?"

"Yeah, I did." She answered.

"I don't know if you remember, but you did tell me that you lie." I reminded her, a look of indignation shot across her face and I immediately regretted it.

"I didn't say that. I said I often hold back the truth. I'm not doing that this time, though. I listened to the whole show."

I felt my own face contort into one of disbelief.

"Jennifer by Lipo. Descartes Dream by Misanthorpe. Some song with a lot of beeping-"

"You did listen." I admitted. "Okay then. Now, tell me what you really thought."

"I told you it was interesting."

"Interesting," I said. Is not a word."

"Since when?" She asked clearly confused by my proclamation

"It's a placeholder. Something you use when you don't want to say something else." I leaned forward. I was just the right distance away to kiss her but I couldn't let myself be sidetracked by the perfect curve of her lips. I had to stay on track I mean this was music. "Look, if you're worried about my feelings, don't be. You can say whatever you want. I won't be offended."

"I did. I liked it." Her lying was growing tiresome.

"Tell the truth. Say something. Anything. Just spit it out."

"I-" she stuttered obviously aware that I knew she was not exactly lying, but dodging the truth. "I... I didn't like it.

I slapped my leg; extremely uncomposed but I didn't care. "I knew it! You know, for someone who lies a lot you're not very good at it."

"I'm not a liar." She repeated simply.

"Right, you're nice." I said adding emphasis to the last word.

"What's wrong with nice?"

"Nothing. Except it usually involves not telling the truth. Now tell me what you really thought."

"I liked the show format." She said obviously treading carefully where my feelings were concerned. "But the songs were kind of..."

"Kind of what?" I probed. "Give me some adjectives other than interesting."

"Noisy," she said. "Bizarre."

"Okay," I nodded taking in her criticism. "What else?"

"Well, the first song was... painful to listen to. And the second, the Misanthorpe one..."

"Descartes Dream." I interrupted her, unable to help myself.

"It put me to sleep. Literally."

"That happens. Go on."

"The harp music sounded like something you'd hear at a funeral."

"Ah," I replied. "Okay, good."

"And I hated the techno"

"All of it?"

"Yes."

I nodded, grateful that I had finally pulled the truth out of her. "Well. Okay then. That's good feedback. Thank you."

"So... you're okay with that?" She asked obviously surprised I hadn't contradicted her opinions about anything.

"That you didn't like the show?"

"Yeah."

"Sure. I mean, it would have been cool if you had. But most people don't, so it's not exactly surprising."

"And that doesn't bother you?" She asked

"Not really, I mean, at first, it was kind of disappointing. But people recover from disappointment. Otherwise we'd all be hanging from nooses. Right?"

"What?"

"Hey, what about the sea shanty." I asked attempting to make up for the somewhat depressing analogy. She just stared at me blankly. "The men chanting about sailing the open sea. What was your take on that one?"

"Weird." She answered. "Very weird."

"Weird," I repeated slowly. This was not the word I would have used. "Huh, okay."

Voices began to mill around us and Annabel's head suddenly whipped round to where Sophie was passing with another girl. I glanced in her direction a little worried hoping against hope she wasn't about to come and start anything with Annabel after the little confrontation on Friday. I decided to ignore the childish little whispers and nudges between the two girls and began to engage Annabel in conversation to take her mind off of her.

"So you didn't like any of the techno? Like, not even one aspect?"

She shook her head guiltily. "No, sorry."

"Don't be sorry, it's your opinion. There's no right and wrong in music, you know? Just everything in between."

Right on cue the bell rang Annabel chucked the rest of her sandwich away while I jumped down from the wall assembling my ipod into its usual position.

"Well, I guess I'll see you around." She said

"Yeah, see you later."

I walked away from her and started for my next class.

Annabel was already sat on the wall when I got down there. She opened her lunch and I saw a little white note come tumbling out of it. I wondered what it could be about. Had she had some kind of argument with her mother or something? Or was it a little reminder to eat everything like a good girl?

"Bad news?"

She jumped and I felt bad for sneaking up on her.

"What?" She asked utterly confused.

"You looked stressed," I noted glancing at the paper in her hand. "Something wrong?"

"No," she answered almost automatically. "Everything's fine."

I sat on the wall, making sure not to sit right next to her. Something told me she needed her own space today. I pulled my ipod out of my pocket and lent backwards feeling the dampness of the grass spread over my palms.

"It's just this thing with my Mom." She suddenly blurted.

I turned to look at her, trying not to look too agitated with her. "Thing," I repeated trying to keep my tone as unpatronising as possible. "Just so you know, is a serious placeholder."

"It has to do with my modelling."

"Modelling?" I asked before remembering. "Oh, right. Like Mallory was talking about. You were in a commercial or something?"

"I've been doing it since I was a kid. Both my sisters did it too. But, lately, I've been wanting to quit."

She looked shocked and I doubted that she'd told anyone else this but me.

"And anyway," she continued. "It's complicated, because my Mom's really into it and, if I quit, then she'll be upset."

"But you don't want to do it any more," I reminded her. "Right?"

"Yeah."

"So you should tell her that."

"You say that like it's easy." She said, pouting slightly. I fought back the urge to smile.

"Isn't it?"

"No."

A group of giggling freshman came tumbling out of the doors to our left. Annabel seemed to take this as a distraction but not me, now I was curious. "Why not?" I asked

"Because I don't do confrontations."

I glanced over to Sophie and Emily remembering what had happened on Friday, the slid my disbelieving eyes back to Annabel.

"Well," she continued. "I don't do confrontations well."

"What happened between you tow anyway?" I asked, wondering what could have made Sophie hate Annabel as much as she did.

"Me and Sophie?" She asked. Obviously she knew who I was talking about she was just stalling. I nodded and she took it as an indication to continue. "It was just... we had a falling out over the summer."

I waited patiently for her to continue, I knew that wasn't all the story she was keeping something from me. "She thinks I slept with her boyfriend."

"Did you?" I asked although it would make no odds to me if she had, I'd just rather know the truth.

She blushed and then answered. "No I didn't."

"Maybe you should tell her that." I said struggling to find a problem in the childish misunderstanding.

"It's not that simple."

"Huh, call me crazy but I'm sensing a theme here."

"So if you were me, you would-"

"-just be honest." I finished for her, it was simple really after all it was her life and if she carried on like this it wouldn't be much of one. "On both counts."

"You say that like it's easy too." She said quite forlorn.

"It's not. But you can do it. It just takes practice." I assured her.

"Practice?"

"In Anger Management, we had to do all this role playing stuff. You know, to get used to handling things in a none volatile way."

"You role played," she said, a wry smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"I had to. It was court ordered." I told her, just so she knew that I wouldn't have gone in for it by choice. "But I have to say, it was kind of helpful. You know, so that when and if something similar did happen, you had some kind of road map for dealing with it."

"Oh," she said, still rather shocked. "Well, I guess that makes sense."

"All right, then." I slid a little closer to her. "So say I'm your Mom."

"What?" she said, confused.

"I'm your Mom." I repeated. "Now tell me you want to quit modelling."

She blushed. "I can't do that," she said.

"Why not? Is it so hard to believe? You think I'm not a good role player?"

"No, it's just-"

"Because I am," I interrupted. "Everyone wanted me to be their mother in the group."

She just stared at me shell shocked as if I'd asked her to cut her own finger off.

"I just... It's weird."

"No, it's hard. But not impossible. Just try it."

"Okay, so-"

"Mom." I said.

"What?"

"The more accurate the exercise, the more effective it is. Go all out or don't go at all."

"Okay, Mom."

"Yes?"

"The thing is, I know that the modelling thing is really important to-"

I had to stop her, I couldn't listen any more. I held up my hand. "R and R. Rephrase and Redirect that."

"Why?"

"Thing. Like I said, major placeholder, super vague. In confrontations, you have to be as specific as possible, to avoid misunderstandings." I leaned a little closer to her in the hope I'd get my point across. "Look, I know it's weird. But it works, I promise."

"I know my modelling is very important to you, and that you really enjoy it-" She glanced at me and I nodded in encouragement. "But to be honest it's just that lately, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I feel like.."

"I can't do it." she said and she looked away.

"You so had it though!" I said slapping the wall in frustration. "You were right there."

"I'm sorry," she said picking up he sandwich. " I just... I can't."

"All right, no big deal."

The silence was overwhelming, I just couldn't take it. So I decided to break it.

"Look, I'm just going to say this: it's got to suck, you know? Keeping something like that in. Walking around everyday having so much you want to say, but not doing it. It's gotta make you really mad. Right?"

"I should go." She said shoving her sandwich into her bag and instantly I knew I had offended her and I cursed myself for it. "I... I have to talk to my English teacher about this project I'm supposed to be doing."

"Oh," I said, disappointed. I studied her face but she didn't look at me. "Sure."

"I'll, um, see you later."

"Right." I picked up my ipod. "See you around."

She walked away and I didn't even bother to call her back. I didn't bother to try and make amends because I knew she needed some time to think. I felt her eyes on me but didn't look up.

It was the end of school and I was walking home. When I heard a car horn beep at me. I wasn't doing anything wrong so it confused me. I turned round to see who it was promising myself I wouldn't lose my temper even if they had caught me on a bad day. It was Annabel. I stopped and waited for her to come up to me.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked.

"What happened to your car?" She asked me

"Transportation issues."

"Story of my life," she pushed the door open. "Get in."