Disclaimers and Warnings: I do not own Hitman Reborn in any possible form (and I don't need reminder *sigh*). This fanfiction has swearing and violence and blood and guts going abound in plentiful ways. And it's more sarcastic, bitchy humor than anything, so don't expect a lovey romance with a bunch of drama and love triangles and stuff like that. No explicit stuff either (discounting innuendo).

Well, that aside, I hope you enjoy.

The beginning of all that ends (simply put, the prologue that is too long to be a prologue that is not really a prologue)

Varia HQ, Italy

Filai was seventeen years old when her boss sporadically decided to announce over a breakfast of fried frog liver and raw bunnies (it was unanimously decided that Lussuria and alcohol and household duties were never to be mixed again) that they were going to Japan to kill a batch of teenagers.

In simultaneous bursts of shock, the various Varia members present dropped their respective eating utensils (umbrellas and knives and blue tentacles, to be more specific).

Xanxus was their boss. Their evil, scary, nightmare inspiring boss. He took 'beware the red eyes' to a whole new set of spatial coordinates, and Filai was quite sure she had never seen another man armed with combustible hands and the glaring capacity to single handedly revert the world back to the ice age. That and he was the leader of one of the most feared, revered assassination squads in the Mafia world, but that's almost irrelevant.

That being said, you couldn't really blame Bel for choking on his imported sushi, or Levi for accidentally misaiming and stabbing himself on the leg with his umbrella instead of his food, or Marmon for instinctively diving for his money just to calm himself down, or Lussuria for accidentally spilling freshly prepared frog organs all over his new (and pink, frilly 'kiss the cook') apron, or Squalo for stupidly dropping his lower jaw in ill shown dismay and sloshing half chewed food all over Filai's biology textbook.

Actually, yeah, she could blame Squalo for doing that. That was just gross.

Though you also couldn't blame Filai for accidentally spitting out her coffee all over Squalo's hair, so maybe letting him off with his textbook ruining habits wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Did I mention that it was Squalo's hair that she just ruined? No? Well, it was Squalo's hair she just ruined. Now you know.

"Voi! What the fuck is wrong with you?" He screeched, suddenly much more murderous looking than any hitmen with decidedly feminine personal hygiene tendencies had the right to be. Louder too. But in both cases, what else was new?

Filai paused in her failing attempts to clean her textbook, looked up, and supplied a short "Sorry."

Now.

When living in a mansion full of maniacs with homicidal tendencies and vague gender distinctions, in order to survive (or at least die as painlessly as possible), one had to learn how to adjust to the situations at hand.

Especially since she was the only member of the Varia who was not at all battle oriented, in her case, adaption was needed more than ever.

And obviously said adaptation wouldn't really be adaptation if it involved retaliation via insults and foul language worthy of washing reserved for toilets, and other methods of the nature. Filai, being more than willing to keep herself in one piece, adapted well. It took little effort for her to reduce her reactions in the face of such atrocious specimen of mankind into simple, polite, unoffending answers.

Except it didn't work too well considering how her thoughts were so painfully negative that they had to be known to their unintended targets one way or another. And they did, via dark, nauseate inducing auras that benevolently spelled out her real thoughts just as clearly as if she had spoken them out loud.

So when she said "Sorry." It actually meant more along the lines of: It is nine in the morning, and I just spent half the night studying for my science test tomorrow. I do not want to hear shit about your fucking hair and all its glory being reduced to nothing. And coffee smells a lot better than the crap you call shampoo.

"Voi! Keep off the shampoo!" Squalo scowled, waving his sword attached quite literally to his left hand, dangerously close to her face. "It's worth a shitload more than your fucking textbook!"

"I see." Well, that works out nicely, considering how a load of shit really isn't worth that much in the first place-

SNAP.

Filai and Squalo both blankly stared as the sword's blade bent, and promptly fell straight off the back of his hand. Filai sighed."Honestly, Squalo." I thought I told you not to use super glue, idiot. Try duct tape next time.

Before Squalo could retort with another of his unruly responses, a light tinge of bell interrupted him. With all the housewife love in the world at his avail, and yes that's as creepy as it sounds, Lussuria waved around the triangle shaped dinner bell (which he killed his old neighbor for, apparently; there were still blood stains on it) and said chidingly "Now, now, children. Boss has to continue his important announcement. You can continue your silly arguement later."

In a rare moment of mutual consensus, Filai and Squalo told him with a noticeable lack of sugarcoating words, to go piss off.

Lussuria hastily made his retreat. The table fell silent, awaiting their boss' next words (hopefully an explanation on why the fuck they were flying to Japan just to kill off middle school brats), and Xanxus thanklessly took the opportunity. "The outside advisor," He began smoothly, leisurely almost, and that was a signal that "Sawada Iemitsu," was going to die soon. "Had the impudence to chose his own son as the successor of the seat as the 10th Vongola boss. Who's a fucking fourteen year old brat. Iemitsu's already sent his half of the Vongola rings to Japan."

Filai had read about the Vongola traditions before. The outside advisor had as much of a say in the receivers of the succession as the boss, it seemed, and why was it that just didn't make any sense at all? "So now you're going have to fight a fourteen year old in a tournament, right?"

Xanxus rolled his eyes, disgusted by the mere thought of gracing the brats with his godly presence. "No, like I'd waste my time on shit like that. We're just going to kill the brat and take the rings by force."

Ah, right. Should've expected that coming. After all, you can't spell Xanxus without anu- No, she didn't complain at all when Xanxus threw a toilet at her. She also didn't complain when she successfully ducked and it hit Levi instead.

There were three laws of the Varia, all incorporated into the daily lives of the individual assassins that made up the prided force, all upheld as sacredly as though the divinities themselves had bestowed it upon them via a brick wall dropped from heaven.

1) Xanxus was always right. No questions asked.

2) If Xanxus was wrong, by chance, please make reference to number one (idiot). Or if that doesn't work, one way or another, make sure whatever he says gets turned right.

3) The level of alcohol content in the container that Xanxus throws at you is a good indication of his mood. Empty translates to "get the fuck out of my sight". Full is basically your cue to escape to another country, because if Xanxus is pissed enough to waste an entire bottle of alcohol to display (violent) feelings that he obviously couldn't show otherwise, then you know he's dead pissed. Oh, and if the liquor happens to be expensive, you might just want to make sure your escape country is on a different continent. Or better yet, a different planet. Take extra precautions when it's cognac. He likes that stuff more than you can possibly imagine.

Alright, since Xanxus was virtually equivalent to the Lord himself when held in regard by the Varia (it's been theorized that Xanxus' smile had the capability of ending all world suffering. And that's why he tries his best not to do so, the bastard), those rules were quite literally bestowed by the divinities in question (the first time Levi saw the guy, he seriously thought he had been graced with the presence of an angel. God how wrong he had been).

But it didn't stop Filai from breaking them on a daily basis. So when she heard about previously mentioned plans to kill little kiddies and politely told him "I think you should think this through more rationally, Boss." And tacitly meant That's possibly the lamest thing I've ever had the unfortunate chance of hearing. You're batshit crazy. Though that's already been established, she got a full bottle to the head and the textbook, which was subsequently reduced to paper pulp.

The next day Filai bought another copy on Ebay, made sure it was the most expensive deal on the page, and billed him for replacements.

The next day also happened to be when she nearly died of misplaced horror because a strange lady had appeared in front of her, getting down on one knee and offering her a small open case nestling a strangely shaped ring. "Please accept this, Filai sama." She deadpanned simply, as if she wasn't positioned like she had just asked a dumbstruck seventeen year old with serious issues to marry her. No, not at fucking ALL.

Filai responded by staring dumbly at the woman, then at the ring, and then once again choking and spitting her coffee out (why did things like these always happen when she was taking in her daily caffeine supply?). "X-Xanxus, do I look like a guy, by any chance?" I feel sick. Need a toilet.

Xanxus glared, displaying remarkable resilience in not pulling an unlordly face palm. "You." He sneered through gritted teeth, glowering as Filai shrank back sheepishly. "Cloud Guardian. Take the fucking ring."

"Ah, I see." Filai sighed, immensely relieved as she gingerly accepted the ring. Jeez, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. You really need to get that metal pole pulled out of your as-

The boss threw something at her, and Filai ducked. Levi was pawned, and she was much amused. "Fucking trash."

"Sure." I love you too, boss."

And that was that.

Or not, because right after aforementioned that, Filai was granted possession of a remote control. Which gave orders to robot, and that would've been cute and all if it weren't for the fact that said robot happened to be big and unwieldy and very life sucking, armed with missile launchers for fingers and a serious breathing issue, if those gas tubes attached to its face were indication of anything.

And Xanxus just had to give the stupid junk (it even has a name, Gola Mosca) to her while they were at the frigging airport. Consequentially, Filai had to stand next to the seven foot robot for infinitely long periods of time at the airport while people were polite enough to stare at her oddly.

"Thanks for the toy, Boss…" Do I look like a grade schooler to you? "Can I ride on it? I don't want to walk." Can I paintball the thing while I'm at it? I just got this new hot pink…it'll add color in this drab, ugly, world. Say no and I'll spray your coat.

Meanwhile, Belphagor (being in charge of "international affairs") effortlessly secured a 1st class private jet to Japan with a combination of uniquely shaped knives, unintentional Mafia seduction, and blinding through the usage of teeth.

Plane Ride. Holy shit.

Filai actually managed to hold her coffee in her mouth (and not onto her biology textbook) as a hysterical pilot, minus one parachute, hurled himself so generously out of the emergency exit. Marmonr surreptitiously took control of the plane, his frog blinked, and everything continued without disturbance. "Was that...necessary?"

Levi was indignant as he lowered his occasionally sparking umbrella. "He was staring at the boss funny." He defended imperiously.

Rolling her eyes, Filai was going to point out that he thought everyone who stared at Xanxus automatically deserved to be condemned to the pits of purgatory, or something remotely similar to that.

Then an idea struck her. A very nice idea, if she did say so herself, and yes, it involved one person or another being put in danger of suffering a premature death, but that one person or another wasn't her, so it was all good. "Actually, Levi, I think you're right."

"Of course. I live solely to protect the boss, after all-" Umbrella man stopped dead after realizing (belatedly) that no snide comment was understandably deciphered from her strange brain waves.

So Filai was actually being...well, sincere.

Pretending to contemplate things, Filai assumed a thoughtful position. "Thinking back on it, that pilot was eyeing Xanxus quite oddly."

Let's all face the truth. Leviathan was a flat out retard in plenty of different ways. So it wasn't exactly intelligence, but more of gut instinct that told the man he didn't like where this was going. It was unanimously agreed that although the rest of the squad hated Filai as much as they hated each other, they hated Filai with a (bad) idea even more than they hated each other. And for a good reason.

"I want to say he had a curious feeling, but...actually, now that I think back on it, it wasn't nearly as curious as eager. If I didn't know any better, I'd have assumed that he was mentally stripping Xanxus-"

And life was a beautiful thing indeed.

Filai didn't need to finish the sentence. Lussuria and Bel were already restraining Levi from jumping out of the plane, after the pilot to deal him an even more painful death before he becomes one with the ground. "I'LL KILL HIM! HOW DARE HE DEFILE THE BOSS WITH HIS FILTHY IMAGINATION!" He hollered, not at all seeming to mind the fact that hurling out of an airborne was a one way ticket to kingdom come.

Satisfied, Filai leaned back comfortably in her seat. Next to her, Squalo muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like Un-fucking-believable.

I should put this on Youtube.

Bel shot her a brilliant grin, holding up a video camera and laughing peculiarly. "Ushishishi, already ahead of you."

"I see. How considerate of you." Filai said politely, making a mental note to get a hold of his dentist's address as she returned to her textbook. I love you, Bel. Let's get married. We'll have to get Xanxus' permission first.

Xanxus stared at Filai almost incredulously, which basically meant he suddenly looked less sleepy and more insomniac, but you learn how to cope with these things. "You're smarter than you look."

"Thank you, Boss."

"But then again," He smirked. "It's almost impossible not to be."

"…" Filai did not do two things. 1) React. 2) Pay for both the airplane damages and the loss of Xanxus' 20,000 euro bottle of wine.

And as a side note, she refused to reveal just how she managed to sneak grenades past airport security. Not her fault that the guards' bodies never developed resistance to sleep injections. Don't go blame her.

Arrival. Namimori, Japan

A beautiful, late Japanese afternoon found the Varia standing in front of a gorgeous hotel, new and clean and private reserved for them down to the last shotglass (for Xanxus to smash over Squalo's head). Filai tilted her head as she scanned the place, clearly impressed. "I didn't know such a small town would have a place like this."

Squalo scoffed, tossing delicately pruned hair over his shoulder as he eyed the hotel with distaste. "That's because the shithole was built last week." Then, dejectedly. "I paid for constructions."

She quickly snapped her head back at his direction, astonished. "T-that was Japanese." You were actually smart enough to learn a language other than your native tongue? Shit, the Armageddon's here.

Squalo's attempt to beat the living crap out of her might've been more impressive had Xanxus not generously stuck a foot out and tripped the swordsman flat on his face.

(Then he realized he had unintentionally saved Filai from being killed; he compensated by throwing a table in her general direction. Again, Levi was subsequently pawned)

Meeting with the enemy. Or, something like that anyways

Filai was, in stark comparison to her ax happy colleagues, not a bad person. She was rude (you have no idea), cynical, decently protective of her textbooks, fanatically protective of her coffee (and I mean fanatically in the most literal sense; gave Lussuria his first two broken fingers in a fit of mad, defensively relevant instinct). But despite all that, she wasn't bad. Which was why...

"Sorry, I can't come back yet." Filai said in rapid, but absentmindedly Italian. With a really strange accent, despite it being, y'know, her native language. She cradled her cell phone between her shoulder and ear as she skimmed through the thoroughly Japanese, thoroughly middle school level science textbook.

Sitting nervously beside her, a brown haired, fourteen year old boy peered over her shoulder. "I'm helping a kid with his science homework. He's really cute. I'll snap a picture." Yes, damn it, the brat's lovable. You say so otherwise and I'll cut your hair in your sleep. Did you SEE his doe eyes? They are fucking adorable, bitch.

For the briefest of moments, Squalo didn't answer, too traumatized by how he could feel those creepy mind waves through the phone to commence in deafening her. Then, as the nature of things went, he recovered. Filai quickly tore the phone away from her ear. "VOI! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TUTORING FUCKING JAPANESE BRATS WHILE I HAVE TO STAY AND GET FUCKED IN THE HEAD BY THE GODDAMN BOS-"

In a fit of sporadic wisdom, Filai very politely flipped the cell phone cover shut.

Said cute middle school student peered curiously at her. "U…um, is everything alright, Filai san?" He asked nervously. "T…that wasn't your boyfriend or anything, right?"

She shrugged. Tried her very, very best to suppress raging telepathic evilness that could probably knock the poor thing out cold. Do not say that ever again. Your face will be purged via blender. "I wouldn't say so, no. Sorry about that, Tsunayoshi kun."

14 year old Sawada Tsunayoshi, brown and spiky haired kid, adorable little twerp who happened to be useless to a pathetic degree, smiled nervously. "If you say so. O…oh, and thanks for helping me with my work. I was kinda scared at first cause you offered so randomly, but you're really smart."

"1) It looked like you were struggling. 2) I should be on a business trip, but my boss kicked me out of the hotel via alcoholic beverage attacks, thus I have nothing to do." Was the deadpan answer and Tsuna gulped.

As previously stated, Filai wasn't bad. She was just a moron. "You know, my boss hates middle school kids for some reason. He wants to kill one of them and came all the way from Europe." What was his name again? Tuna or something?

Tsuna nodded vaguely, not listening at all and still wondering why that loud voice on the phone kind of sounded like that freakish, long haired guy with the built in sword who had assaulted his friends a few days ago. He then deemed it a coincidence and thought about it no longer.

Back at Hotel.

Yes. Gola Mosca was her best friend.

Actually, that could be a bit of an overstatement. But at this point in her life, the term "best friend" could be loosely defined as anyone who didn't want to send her to the pits of hell at first sight and if a robot fitted that bill, then a robot her best friend shall be.

Gola Mosca did not want to kill her at all. It listened patiently to her complaints. It stood against her ranting on the horrors of intelligent babies and Boss complexes. It brought her caffeine when ordered (with the remote control, but who's noticing the difference?). It watched TV dramas with her, kept her company while she did her homework, provided shelter from deadly glass projectiles, didn't talk during movies, and…

In short, a killer robot was the perfect best friend for a sardonic sociopath with creepy mind auras and some weird addiction to textbooks and caffeine.

When asked by Xanxus as to why their resident high school student was best friends with a lump of metal, Bel and Squalo stared at each other. Bel giggled. "Shishishi, apparently she prefers Gola Mosca's company over ours."

The other two men would have assumed expressions of dismay, if they, you know, gave a shit. Which they totally did not.

(Well, Xanxus twitched and bemoaned the fact that he had lunatics for subordinates, but that was only AFTER Bel and Squalo left. So let's say it never happened)

(Okay, if you insist on know, Squalo was rather annoyed because for some unidentifiable reason they always ended up next to each other and bedrooms were no different even though the stupid hotel had so many floors that each member could have had one for themselves. And now he has to deal with listening to her talk to a robot all through the night. No, not screwy at all.)

Simply put, all that you just read subsequently (yes, including the scene with the killer robot as best friend, which is very peculiar if I must say so myself) led to the events that will in turn pave the way to a most interesting conclusion involving shark food, fights with cute middle schoolers, killer poles, more hospital visits than what was considered healthy, and the obsoletion of artificial preservatives in favor of unmelting ice—courtesy of one, 14 year old Sawada Tsunayoshi.

A/N: By the way, that last line was a really lame, not at all obscure reference to Tsuna's Zero Point Breakthrough. In case nobody noticed. But since there's no such thing as an overly devoted KHR fan, I guess my commentary's...bleh.

Let me know what you think, especially about Filai. She's got some major mentality issues, as does everyone in KHR.