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"Wake up!" I jumped up. Too slow. The blow came hard and fast and catapulted me against the bed frame. " I am sorry sir it won't happen again!" I sniveled. Another blow came from the other side throwing me against my pillow.

"Liar", my father snarled down at me, " you said the same thing yesterday." I cringed and prepared myself for another onslaught but my father just smiled satisfied with my fear and misery. I shook a little as I began getting ready for school. My mind swirled not with the beatings but memories of last nights dream. Oh, the sinful thoughts that promenaded through my head. I deserved every beating I ever received. Each person was standing before me, loads of them, all very much naked. They stood before me as if pleading " judge me Ernst!". I don't judge. I never have. These people shook and quivered before me like beasts in the pasture when all of a sudden one broke rank. A boy, no a man, stepped out from the herd and approached me...

" Ernst if you don't get out honey your father..." my mother's voice echoed through the door ripping me from my revere.

" yes mother." a mixture of guilt and shame rippled through me. I put my poor mother through so much. I have become a condemned sinner and the faithful hand of god is trying to break me of this but my mother has to witness the entire painful process. I finished getting ready for school and slipped out the front door with out a word. I began walking up the hill when familiar footsteps shuffled up beside me.

" Good morning Moritz." a grunt came from him as he mumbled broken Latin attempting to finish last nights homework in his head. His silence came as no surprise. We walked to school together every morning and the most we ever said was good morning. Moritz looked over at me and stopped his mumbling.

"Ernst, what happen to your head?" I examined my feet ashamed of the marks of my punishment.

" Oh...umm... nothing I I I just fell out of bed is all." he shook his head a bit disbelieving

" Thats what you said happened last week. You know, when you had the black eye." I shivered forgetting I had used that excuse before.

" No really , I I I did fall out of bed. I was... I was dreaming." Moritz head shot up.

" Dreaming? About what?" he feigned nonchalant but I saw right through it. His sudden strong interest put me on edge.

" Oh nothing much just" he cut me off

" No one falls out of bed over nothing much!"

" Just people."

" Were these people doing something?" his intensity was growing as I tried in vain to evade his questions.

" Not really just standing there... it was more like ...um.. what they..."

" What they didn't have?" I stared up at him. How could he know? He couldn't know. Fate saved me at that moment as the school bell tolled beckoning us into the building.

I made my way in feeling rather sick as the bruises caught up with me and Moritz's words hit. I took my place in the back of the class in between Hanschen and Moritz. Hanschen smiled his arrogant smile and looked back at his book. My body quivered as my heart became a wild jack rabbit leaping around my chest. That grin shook my marrow as I stood staring and imagining. Warmth engulfing me I forget where I was until a sharp tug on my blazer forced me into my seat. Crimson tinted my face as Moritz returned to his seat after pulling me down just in time to avoid the professor's eagle glare. I side glance over to see his face but he is deep in thought mumbling what looks like Latin. Poor Moritz he hadn't finished his homework because of me. Once again ugly shame grips me. Its my fault I ruin everyones lives. I should... I should go away and become a monk. God will forgive me then! I will be a servant to him and no other... and I will be far away from father's hand.

"Ernst!" the cracking voice broke the silence as every head turned towards me. Trapped in my own surprise I stutter unsure of what to do.

" Well?" the voice of my professor sounds so very much like my father's I flash to his fists raining down on me.

All I can manage is a soft " I am sorry sir it won't happen again"

" Thats not the answer boy" he rose like a bird unfurling into the air slowly enjoying his wing span. He walked down the isle and with a quick finality cracked my shoulder with his cane. An explosion of pain electrified my every atom. He had managed to hit me exactly on my bruise from this mornings punishment. I deserve this I thought as I fought the tears. For the dream, and making Moritz not finish his homework and the sinful thoughts about Hanschen. I deserve this. The pain became unbearable and a few tears slipped out onto my desk. I hung my head trying to hide the embarrassment. When I knew I wouldn't cry anymore I looked up to see the head of Melchior turned facing me stricken with concern. I could tell he had seen me cry and I buried my head deep in my arms wanting to shrivel up and disappear. Of coarse Melchior the smartest nicest boy in the entire school watched me make a complete and total fool of myself. I dared a peek again and to my relief he was looking straight forward again.

The day dragged on, the clock digging it's feet into the sand. I hadn't been called on the rest of the day but I silently wallowed in my pain. Every so often I would drift and think of these boys who sat around me. Georg and Otto fooling around in the corner chuckling about Georg's piano teacher. And Hanschen all snug in his superiority. His ego was so very attractive. I wish for only a moment I could be as confident as he always was. And the forever woeful Moritz fretting about Latin and dreams. And then there was Melchior. How do you describe Melchior besides nearly perfect. His smile was soft and wise and his eyes held secrets and truths. He spoke of things I can barely comprehend and yet he speaks as if he has lived them. He is a radical. But he is only almost perfect. His faith or lack there of adds a hint of darkness to him. It scares me to think of someone having nothing to believe in. who does he ask for guidance? How is he punished for his sins? Maybe he isn't punished... oh that sounds so very nice... the bell tolled its final chime but our teacher stopped us before we left.

" Recite last nights psalm before you leave." everyone looked around panicked. No one had memorized it. No one but me. I was always diligent with my psalms hoping that in some way god would see how hard I was trying. With out thinking I recited it and watched as the professor let me through.

" Can no one else recite the psalm?" like a guillotine crashing down with a thwack his cane came down on every boy. I stood mesmerized by the grim display and far to late I noticed a group of boys walking directly towards me.

" Well little Ernst knows his Psalms." Otto grunted obviously upset that I hadn't been hit. He wrapped me in a head lock. I panicked

" No please Otto let go of me. Please I'm sorry sir it won't happen again!" he grabbed my shoulder and shoved me down. Once again pain rocketed through me as my bruise was hit again. I fell to the ground tears flowing freely.

" What a baby," Otto muttered " I barely touched you." I sat shaking on the ground afraid to get up with out permission. The other boys gawked down as if I was a spectacle on display. Finally Melchior knelt down next to me.

" Are you alright?" he wisped loud enough for only me to hear. Even in my pain the intimacy made me shiver. I shook my head no. " where does it hurt?" I couldn't tell him. I couldn't move. He gently pulled my jacket away and pulled my shirt aside. A huge purple rose was blooming on my shoulder and it glared up at me like a badge of my disobedience. Melchior took a deep breath

" Ernst..." I didn't hear the end of it. I jumped to my feet and gathered my books. I ran as fast and as far as I could.

I only looked back long enough to see Georg and Otto walking to their homes and Moritz, Melchior, and Hanschen all standing looking after me. Do not follow me. Please if god has any mercy he will let me hide in my shame. When my breathing became ragged I slowed and surveyed my surroundings. My feet had pulled me towards the old graveyard. A majestic black dogwood tree stood in full bloom the pink flowers falling to earth as the wind tousled them. I felt my eyes examine the tree. It's dark rugged wood contrasted by the soft gentle pink flowers. It was a balance of everything. I sat below it's leaves trying to forget everything and become part of the tree. I wanted to be sucked up by the roots and feel the balance but the tree wouldn't have me. I wasn't a balance of anything besides maybe sin and failure. I sat for a very long time and for a while I really had thought I had disappeared but footsteps walking slowly in my direction told me I was very visible. I opened my eyes to find Melchior sitting next to me. I didn't move away or towards him just sat in a limbo waiting for him to say something. He didn't make any attempt at conversation merely examined a cherry blossom in his hand. After an eternity of silence he looked at me

" Does he hit you often?" my breathe caught in my throat. I debated on whether I should lie but realized that would just add another sin to my list ,besides, I don't think I could have lied to Melchior even if I wanted to.

" Only when I am bad." I said so softly I hoped he hadn't heard. He did and frowned

" Ernst, that doesn't tell me very much. Tell me why hit hit you this morning."

" Well I didn't get up fast enough and then I lied. I deserved it." it looked like he got angry then " I am sorry Melchior." I wasn't sure what I was sorry for but I knew I was very very sorry.

" Ernst, you believe in god correct?"

" Yes. I don't know." I covered my mouth. I was devout I didn't question gods existence and yet I question him nonetheless to this heathen.

" Well who is it who decides who has been bad?"

"God"

" Who is it who has been deciding you are bad."

" God"

" Well,who has been punishing you for your misbehavior?"

" My father."

" Now for the most important question. Is your father god?"

" No... but surely he..." Melchior smiled a sad smile.

" Shh. Your father is not god nor does god speak to him. He is not a favorite of the lord nor does he have the right to go about preaching and committing the lords bidding. No one has the right to judge and punish. No one. That is left solely up to your god."

" He is your god too." Melchior laughed at this and I turned a flustered red. He tousled my hair sending tingles up my legs.

" To each his own."

" Melchior can we talk about something else?" I asked. My mind hurt as much as my body and I wanted to get away from the subject of god and fathers. He smiled and moved closer

" Of coarse. Anything you want." I hadn't expected this. I never talk about what I want. I usually listen or watch.

" Can we just sit." he nodded. We sat for hours under that cherry blossom tree and for a while I thought that maybe I wasn't such a sinner after all.

first fic so please rateand review