The Death Note FAQ
By BlueFox

~INTRO: So I'm pretty sure there's multitudes of these already out there…but, after watching more of Death Note and seeing just how 'Or What You Will' was so obtrusively AU, and I mean seriously, I actually felt my cheeks burn with shame. So… I scrapped it for this.

The only FAQ-like story I've actually read in DN would be 'Matt Answers' or something like that. And I guess…after reading it, I was inspired to do this. So, I'll give you the rules, and then open up this story with a chapter that is like an example. Here's to hoping you guys will review.

~DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Phooey.

~RULES~

1. You can ask ANY character ANY question, however do not ask the random bystanders a question. Nobody listens to random bystanders. They are only there to fill up space.

2. In accordance to Rule 1, if you ask Matt a question about how to beat a certain level of a video game you will get one of three answers: a never-fail strategy, a strategy guide strategy (but let's face it, the SG strategies usually suck or take a long time to pull off), or a piss-off answer if Matt's not in the mood.

3. You can share knowledge of Death Note with the characters. IE, you can tell them who Kira is, which rules of the Death Note are fake, etc etc.

4. Swearing is allowed.

5. Text language is not allowed. If you review in text language, it will either A: not be asked, or B: translated (if I feel up to it), but don't push your luck. You can use lol, idk, lmao, rofl, and the like, but your whole message can't be in text language.

6. Please address the question to the person you want to answer it. Though, in most occasions, many or all of the cast will attempt to answer the question, because most of the cast is made up of idiots.

7. Only one person will be maimed and/or mauled each chapter if the situation calls for it.

8. If you ask for a hug, the character MUST give you the hug. Kisses are optional. Chocolate, sweets, apples, and other such addictions of the characters are not viable to be shared. The exception being Matt helping gamers in video games if he feels like it.

9. If you wish to kidnap a character and hold him/er hostage, consult the authoress (me, BlueFox) first.

10. Requests for insane, awkward, funny, serious, and utterly stupid situations are welcomed and more than likely put to use. So, any and all pairings apply here, some more consensual than others.

11. REVIEW and ASK QUESTIONS.

Prologue

Enter the Characters

BlueFox: Hello, and welcome to the premiere episode… issue… whatever of the Death Note FAQ, where I read your most pressing questions to the members of the cast for them to answer. Don't ask where I got the Prologue's questions, 'cause my sources aren't that reliable. *hollers* Okay guys, come in!

*enter the cast*

Sayu: Oh, oh are we on T.V? *waves*

Misa: *waving* HI MOM!

Sayu: Uh, your mother's dead, Misa.

Misa: Oh… wait… yeah… *cries*

Misa Fans: SHE MADE MISA-MISA CRY! *point savagely at Sayu*

Sayu: I didn't do it! I didn't do it!

Misa Fans: KILL!

Sayu: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

BlueFox: *stares* Looks like Sayu's the one getting mauled this chapter. Let's start with the first question… *opens up bag of mail and reads*

This is for Light… who do you love more, Misa or Takada?

Light: *looking around the set* Are there more Light/Misa fans than Light/Takada fans?

Everyone but Takada: Yes.

Light: I love Misa more, then.

Takada: LIGHT!

Light: I mean, I love Kiyomi more.

Misa: LIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! *lip trembles*

*Misa fans stop attacking Sayu and narrow eyes at Light*

Light: Uh… S-Sayu?

BlueFox: AHH! Incest, ew gross no no no NO! *stomps foot*

Light: Fine! Ryuzaki it is! *clings to L on the adjacent couch*

*the L/Light fans, which tops Light/Misa and Light/Takada fans BY FAR, bursts into cheers*

L: *pets Light*

BlueFox: Aww, I feel all bubbly inside…

Everyone Else: *blinks*

BlueFox: *ahum*

To the black-haired sugar addict aka L: What's your real name? L or Lawliet?

BlueFox: You know, I've always wondered that, too.

L: It is one name. L Lawliet. No one seems to understand that.

Mello: Pfft… And they call themselves fans.

Takada, why are your boobs so freakin' big? And Misa, why do you wear such skimpy clothes?

Takada: *looks down at her chest* Oh, these? I wanted to shock Light whenever I saw him again. *winks at Light*

Light: *gets a nosebleed*

L and L/Light Fans: *glare savagely at Takada*

BlueFox: Ooh, I smell bloodlust! Mwahaha… Anyway, Misa how 'bout the clothes? If they can be called that…

Misa: I wear them because Obata made me…

Matsuda: Why don't you just use your salary from the Death Note sales to buy new clothes?

Misa: Oh… I spent it all on a villa in France. *sheepish grin*

Takada: … And because she's just a five-yen ho.

Mello, why do you swear so much?

BlueFox: Haha, that's a doozy…

Mello: *bites into chocolate bar* It's just part of my character.

To Matt… you are hot. Wanna go out on a date with me?

Matt: Only if Mello doesn't tag along.

Mello: 'Scuse me?

Matt: Uh… *turns back to game* Nuthin'… Nevermind, the answer's no.

Mello: That's what I THOUGHT you said.

I wanna know if Mikami thought the Delete button on the computer was 'his precious' as he grew up.

Mikami: No. Why do you think that?

BlueFox: Because you say 'delete' an abnormal amount of times in every episode you're in.

Mikami: …

For Mello… are you a girl?

Near: There was a 65 percent chance this question was eventually going to be asked.

Mello: *glares* Shut UP Near. *sighs around chocolate at question* No. Do I look that damn girly to you? And before you ask, I haven't put any kind of make up on since… ever.

Light: But you might be half.

Mello: *aims gun at Light's face* What the fuck did you just say?

Light: Nothing.

To Near… why are you so obsessed with toys?

Near: I plead the Fifth.

Mello: Goddamn arrogant sonuva--

BlueFox: Mello! Contain yourself!

Matt, what the hell is your hair color?!

Matt: *throws game in disgust* I don't know! Sometimes it's black, like last week, sometimes it's red, like it is now, and HELL! Sometimes it looks green, like in Malice!

Mello: Calm the hell down, Matt, damn.

Matt: Like you're one to talk! You get all worked up over Near?! Don't I ever get a chance to flip a bitch about something?

*awkward silence*

BlueFox: …Err… Moving on.

I have a question for the author…

BlueFox: But… I'm not a cast member.

Near: You only said that the reviewers cannot ask a random bystander. You have a name and personality, and so you are not a random bystander.

BlueFox: *twitch* You know what, Near? Shut up.

… are you a Mary Sue?

Everyone: …

*pause*

BlueFox: I only insert myself into this and my bloopers stories. Nobody else seems to mind. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go kill a certain flamer… *runs off*