Sadiq POV

Waking up was a difficult task. When I came to, I felt very strange. The weakness had spread all throughout my body, and it was very tough to move. Although, truth be told, I wasn't trying very hard. It was very comfortable and warm. Heracles was curled up next to me, my arms still wrapped around him. His hands were clasped around mine, as if he approved of their presence. I gently tightened my grip on him and nuzzled my face into his shoulder.

I was unsure whether or not Heracles was awake. His breathing was steady but not deep. It was likely that he was in deep thought. I was puzzled by the strange boy that lay in my arms. I had thought he hated me; I wouldn't have blamed him for hating me. Hell, I hated myself enough for both of us, but I couldn't understand why he didn't hate me. It was strange. Now that I knew he didn't hate me, I almost felt like I wanted him to hate me. I felt like he should hate me just as much as I hated myself. Heracles was too good to me; he was too kind, too forgiving…

God, what was wrong with me? I had spent so much time pining over how I thought he hated me, and now that he didn't hate me, I wanted him to. I had wanted this so much. No, I still wanted it, but I felt like this was too good to be true. It made no sense that he wouldn't hate me, not after everything I've done. It felt like maybe I had really died and gone to Elysia, but that couldn't be, because Athena would have been there. Heracles shifted in my arms so now his head was resting on my chest and one of his arms draped around me. I must be dead, I thought, the real Heracles would never do that.

Heracles let out a sigh. The more startling realization was that people didn't sigh in their sleep. He must have been fully conscience of his movements. Then something even more unexpected happened, Heracles reached behind him and grabbed my arm and draped it around himself. And at that moment I nearly exploded with happiness. I didn't understand why he was doing this, but I didn't care, it just felt so right to have him tucked willingly under my arm. I wondered if he knew I was awake. My guess was not, but it didn't matter. Heracles let out another soft sigh and nuzzled himself into me.

I wished I could dive deep into his mind and figure him out. The things he did, the things he said, perplexed me. But, oh, how I loved him. I loved everything about him, I loved that he was a mystery and a challenge, and I loved that he was so delicate. I loved those eyes that could pierce through my soul, so like his mothers. I loved that he was so like Athena and yet so very different. I loved his spunk and I loved how sweet he was at the same time. I loved his soft hair, with the cute double curl perched on top. I was overwhelmed with love, something that I had not experienced in a very long time. There were butterflies in my stomach every time I so much as looked at him. What made it even better was that Heracles that Heracles seemed consenting to my love, as if he didn't mind it anymore. If that isn't a miracle I don't know what was.

I decided to let Heracles know that I was awake. I gently poked him and the Greek jumped a foot in the air. "Geez, don't scare me like that!" Heracles cried indignantly once he realized what had happened. I chuckled and playfully messed up his hair, which earned me a glare.

"Sorry." I said.

Heracles sat up and stretched and let out a very fake yawn. He must have been trying to convince me that he had been asleep when I poked him. "Are you feeling any better?" he asked, genuine concern in his voice.

"A little," I said. It was only half true; I still felt dreadful. My entire body ached and I still felt exhausted but my wrists didn't hurt quite as much. Heracles seemed satisfied with the half lie and lay back down next to me, closer than usual. I wrapped an arm around him, ignoring the sudden pain that shot through my body. Once again I found myself wondering about what Heracles was thinking, especially when he flipped over to stare at me. His eyes were seemed to search for something in my expression, like he was looking for some answer to some unasked question. It was making me feel uncomfortable. "What's wrong?" I asked wearily, reaching up and tucking a lock of his brown hair behind his ear.

He quickly broke eye contact and softly murmured, "Nothing." It was unlike him not to tell me exactly what his problem was. He usually made it very clear just exactly what was wrong with everything. His eyes resumed their scanning process just a moment later. It was eerie how much his expression matched Athena's. I sighed softly, I still missed her. And I wasn't sure if having Heracles around as a constant reminder of her absence was a good thing. But not having him would be worse, I knew that. Those scrutinizing eyes could not be ignored.

"Seriously, what's wrong? You're looking at me like you expect something,"

"Well…," he said very slowly, as if he were picking his words very carefully. "I think we need to talk."

I groaned. I should have known this was coming. How on earth did I explain my reasoning to him, or to anyone else for that matter? I couldn't even explain my reasoning to myself anymore. It was almost if that world had changed with the discovery of Heracles' new found attitude. He had saved me when he could have easily just let me die. And at the moment that seemed like a good enough reason to keep living. "About what?" I asked, trying to buy myself some time.

He glared at me. "You know very well what."

"I told you everything in the note I left you. I don't know what more you want," I said with a sigh. I really did not want to talk about this. Heracles must have known that. I did not do the whole 'discuss your feelings with others' thing, especially not something like this. The enormous amount of grief I still had left over from Athena's death was one of my deepest darkest secrets. I had never expressed to anyone the magnitude of pain it still caused me.

"You didn't explain why you tried to kill yourself," Heracles said, looking me straight in the eye. "What you wrote can't be the only reason. It's not a good enough reason."

He was right. It wasn't the only reason, and it wasn't the main reason, but it was the only reason I even remotely felt like explaining. "Why isn't it a good enough reason?" I demanded trying to force fake anger in my tone.

Heracles sat up and stared at me with an odd expression on his face. "Because. It's not your fault." I stared at him trying to work out how he had come to that conclusion. It was most certainly my fault. "Well, it is kind of your fault, but not really, not entirely."

"And how has your strange little mind come to that conclusion?" I asked him still puzzled.

Heracles blushed, which was adorable. "It's just not," was all he said. He refused to answer me when I further questioned him on what he meant by that. He seemed to be embarrassed by his own reasoning, which was odd. I let it slide even though I was burning with curiosity. I hoped that this was the end of this particular conversation.

Of course I was not so lucky. After a short pause Heracles stared at me for a minute and then said, "You can trust me you know, I won't tell anyone."

That was a strange statement. Who would he have to tell? The only people he ever really talked to was Gupta and me. I honestly didn't care if Gupta knew. I was pretty sure he already knew why I did it. He had been there when Athena died. He had seen how overwhelmed with grief I had been. He knew I had never been the same again. Gupta had been there the first time I had tried to kill myself. So just who exactly was Heracles planning on telling this to, his cats? I didn't care if they knew either.

I supposed that it was the thought that counted. He had just promised not to betray me, and that meant a lot. But I couldn't tell him. I didn't want Heracles to think he was just a replacement. He wasn't. I had never expected to fall in love like this. When Gupta had first told me about Heracles, I wasn't sure I wanted to meet him. I didn't want to be reminded of what I had lost. I had made the trek to Greece grudgingly, at Gupta's insistence, but secretly filled with hope. When I arrived at Heracles' house I felt like the whole world was wrong. Athena had lived there and her absence hung over the place like a thick black blanket. I almost did not knock on Heracles' door; I almost walked away. But then Gupta's words filled my ears.

"He needs someone to look after him; he's not growing on his own. If Athena would have picked anyone to look after him, it would have been you," Gupta had said.

So I had knocked, and when I laid eyes on him, I knew I had made the right decision. Suddenly I was jerked out of my own thoughts by a very distraught Heracles. "Why don't you think you can trust me?" he demanded poking my shoulder very roughly.

I sighed. "It's not that. I do trust you."

"Then what? Why won't you just tell me? I deserve an explanation. You owe me that much. I saved you."

I could see he was starting to get really upset again. I could see tears forming in his eyes again. This was not what I wanted. I had sworn I would not make him cry any more. I just could not figure out how to tell him. How could I tell him that I missed his mother so much that life wasn't worth living? And how could I tell him that I felt so guilty for everything I did to him. I was supposed to take care of him, supposed to protect him, supposed to make him happy. I had failed at every single one of those. It didn't matter if Heracles blamed me or not, I blamed myself. I had let Athena down, yet again. And nothing I ever did was good enough. I hated myself because of it.

How am I supposed to tell a kid all this? I knew he was right; I did owe him an explanation. "I don't know how to explain it to you," I said. "I don't know how to say it so you can understand." I looked at him trying desperately to convey the message. I attempted to sit up; I wanted to pull Heracles into my arms again, but my muscles were violently protesting by sending pain shooting through my body.

"Lie back down, you idiot," Heracles said, pushing me back down with one finger. But then he curled up on my chest and I wrapped my arm around him and kissed the top of his head. Heracles turned to stare at me. "Just try to tell me, even if I don't understand, it's better than not knowing at all."

I sighed again. "Look Heracles, there's a lot I don't tell you. There are a lot of things that go on in my head that I don't particularly think you want to know."

"But I do want to know," Heracles immediately protested.

"Do you really? You may not like what you hear." I said hoping that he would listen to my warning.

"Just get on with it," he said rolling his eyes.

"Fine, you really want to know? Fine. I tried to kill myself because you hate me so much, and there's nothing I can do to make you like me, let alone love me. You won't even give me a chance, no matter what I do. You don't even care if I pour my heart and soul out to you, it doesn't matter." The floodgates had been opened and now everything was just rushing out. "You say you don't hate me, but I don't know how that's possible because I hate me. I hate myself for hurting you, and you have no idea how guilty I feel about it. It tears me up inside. I hate myself because I let you down, and I hate myself because I let your mother down…" I said quickly, feeling tears fall from my eyes, "…and I miss Athena so much I can't breathe. She wasn't supposed to leave me; she was the only thing I ever had to live for. And I don't even know why I try any more, everything I doturns out so wrong," I finished.

Oh crap, I did not mean for all that to come out. I had only meant for a fraction of it to. I did not want him to know about how I felt about his mother death still. And I didn't want him to know that I hated myself. Heracles was staring at me with a blank expression on his face. I wished he'd say something, anything.

Finally Heracles reached up and wiped the tears away from my face. "I don't really hate you," he said softly. "You can be a bastard sometimes, but it's not really your fault. I don't think my mom would think you let her down. You're trying to take care of me. Even if you suck at it, I think that's all she wanted."

I stared at him for a long moment thinking over his words. I think that was the nicest thing he had ever said to me. It struck me funny that the nicest thing he had ever said to me still included the words 'bastard' and 'you suck.' But I supposed that was the best I could expect from him. I was still confused as to why he didn't think it was my fault, but I tried to just brush it off. I should be happy that he didn't blame me. "I wish I could believe that." I couldn't believe that Athena would rather I make an attempt and fail, than just leave Heracles to his own devices.

Heracles made to get up. "I'm going to go see if I can find you something to eat. Maybe you'll feel better once you get something into your stomach."

I reached up and grabbed his arm lightly. "Don't go… please." I didn't want him to leave, not yet. Heracles sighed and rolled his eyes but settled back down onto the bed. "You're the one who wanted to talk about this, and now that we are talking about it, you can't just go running off."

"I really think you should eat something."

"I'm not hungry, and stop avoiding the issue."

"I don't know what you want me to say Sadiq, it's not okay that you tried to kill yourself. It's not. But you really shouldn't hate yourself; it's not your fault," Heracles said.

"I really wish you would stop saying that. It is my fault; I should have controlled myself, I should have been more careful." I sighed heavily. "And you abdicating me of my responsibility just makes me feel worse."

"Well, that's stupid," Heracles declared.

I was about to protest, when Heracles mouth collided with mine. He was kissing me. He was kissing me. I was so stunned I forgot to move my mouth with his. But soon enough my instincts kicked in and I kissed him back. Heracles pulled away and stared at me intently. "It doesn't matter why I don't blame you, it only matters that I don't. Just don't ever do that again."

And with that he hopped off the bed and headed to the door. "I'm going to get something to eat," he said. "I'll bring you back something."

I was still in stunned disbelief. Had that really just happened? Heracles was still talking like his usual hateful self, but his actions were contradicting his words. He would tell me I'm a bastard, but hug me at the same time. It was very confusing. I wondered when 'bastard' had lost its meaning. He seemed to be using it out of habit now, like some kind of twisted pet name or something.

Heracles returned a little while after holding a plate of what I could only guess was supposed to be food. "What is that?" I asked him wearily.

"Don't worry about it, it's good, I cooked it for you," Heracles answered, handing the dish to me.

My Heracles had cooked for me? Maybe there was some hope for our relationship.

Author's Note:

So here it is at long long long last. I'm not going to bore you with the long list of reason's this wasn't done sooner, but there were a number of them. But you can thank those awesome pilgrims for inventing the holiday that is thanksgiving and the break that comes along with it, for the completion of this chapter. And the kind people over at my top choice college for accepting me and relieving that stress. I am so elated that I more time to write now.

Thank you to everyone who has waited so long for this chapter, you guys are all awesome, I give you all holiday cookies. As always I look forward to your reviews

One more chapter left folks and then it's all over. My goal is to get it done by the end of Christmas break, cause it's gonna be a long chapter.