Random crackfic! Actually, I wrote this for my friend for her birthday. This is unbeta-ed, so there are probably errors. It's different from what I normally do, but I hope it elicits a good laugh or two anyway =D

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, just the fic.

Tea Party!

"Spend some time with Marlene, you two." Those were Tifa's instructions for Cloud and Barret before she left to spend a girl's day out with Yuffie and Shera.

Denzel was away at summer camp, so it was just the two men and Marlene. They thought it would be no big deal. Marlene was a little demanding, but she always vocalized what exactly she wanted or needed.

No problem, right?

Once Tifa was gone, the guys turned to Marlene, who was sitting at a table eating breakfast. She smiled and waved at them.

"What would you like to do today, Marlene?" Cloud asked quietly.

"Well," she glanced down at the table sadly. "My friend, Susan, was going to come up today and have a tea party with me." She sighed. "She can't now. Her mom said no."

Cloud and Barret exchanged glances, and then looked back at Marlene. She looked pitiful, with her eyes downcast, her feet swinging woefully, her hands clasped on her lap, and her shoulders sunk.

The gunman was the one to cave. "Aw, baby, why dun Spiky an' I have one wit' ya?"

Her face brightened immediately. "Would you really?"

Cloud began to wonder if going along with this was a good idea. However, Marlene's hopeful expression was too much to resist. "Yeah, sure."

She hopped off her chair, and beckoned to them. "Come on! I'll set it up, and you can get dressed up in the meantime!"

"D-dressed up?" Barret asked, following Marlene up the stairs. "Ya mean, like a tux?"

When Marlene laughed, Cloud's stomach dropped. "No!" she chastised lightly, "Like a dress! Tea parties are for girls."

No, not again. Cloud started having flashbacks from his time with Aerith and Sector 6. Being cooed at and complimented as he wore a dress, the whole time doubting his sexuality…

He suppressed a shudder.

"But- but-"

"No but's, Papa. If you can't fit into one, then wear your sailor suit!"

Cloud nearly stumbled while walking, and shot a look at Barret. "Your sailor suit?"

Before Barret could think of an excuse, Marlene quipped, "Yeah! The one that makes him look like a polar bear! It's in my closet." She ran ahead, and ducked into her room. "I'll get it out in a second, Papa! Cloud, you need to find a dress meanwhile!"

Barret and Cloud looked at each other. "Cross-dressin' again fer you, Spiky," Barret said, his grin wide.

Cloud frowned. "At least I won't look like the offspring of a polar bear and a mutant marshmallow."

Twenty long, humiliating minutes later, Cloud was finally dressed. He dug through Tifa's closet and picked out the largest dress he could find. In his opinion, it was sort of ugly, so he was sure Tifa wouldn't miss it if it got a little ripped. He managed to shove himself into the burgundy and yellow dress. It was tight, but at least he could breathe.

He donned a sunflower hat Marlene had found for him, and was slightly relieved to be finished. He didn't have any shoes on, but he was drawing the line there. None of Tifa's would fit him, he was sure, and he would not wear high heels again.

"You look so pretty, Cloud!" Marlene poked her head inside, and beamed. "Come on! Papa's dressed, and the table's all ready."

He found it hard to be mad when she was so excited. Resigned to his fate, Cloud smiled weakly and nodded to her. He followed her out of the room and down the hall to her room.

He peered in, and snorted when he saw Barret. Decked out in all his sailor glory, the large man sat glumly in a little chair. He glared at Cloud, silently daring him to remark about his outfit.

The swordsman remained silent, but he was smirking the entire time as Marlene set up her stuffed animals around them. Cloud's table neighbors ended up being a pink elephant and Skippy the penguin.

She sat down next to Barret, and brushed off her dress before beginning. "All right ladies." She picked up her tea cup, and sipped. "How is everyone today?"

Hold the sarcasm, hold the sarcasm… Cloud forced a smile. "Good. You?"

"Very well. Papa?"

He muttered something about being "okay", adjusting his hat.

Marlene giggled, and took another sip. "And how are you Skippy?" She stared at the penguin, and after a few seconds, nodded. "Yeah, me too. I have cookies, though!" She picked up an empty tray, and set it down in front of the penguin. "Here ya go."

Barret peered at the tray, and frowned. "Uh, Marlene, I dun see any-"

Cloud kicked him under the table, and shook his head. "Pretend," he mouthed.

"Ah, uh," Barret nodded hastily. "Right!" He grabbed an invisible cookie off the tray, and chewed. "Yum."

"What kind of cookies are they?" Cloud asked teasingly.

She glanced over at him. "Walnut and peanut butter."

Barret's eyes widened. "I'm allergic to walnuts!"

He struck a dramatic pose, and fell off his chair. Marlene gasped, but Cloud couldn't contain his chuckles. Barret twitched a little on the floor, his tongue hanging out comically.

Marlene put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. "Oh, stop being silly! You're fine! You'd be foaming at the mouth or something if you were having a reaction."

It was true: Barret was allergic to walnuts. The fact they were only eating imaginary food was a relief, since Cloud didn't want to rush Barret to the hospital in a dress.

He nearly shuddered just thinking about it.

Barret scrambled back into his seat, pouting as he took a fake sip of his teacup. He looked down at one of his neighbors, a pink and white teddy bear, and whispered, "You hear that? My own baby, laughin' as her daddy's dyin' from a bunch of damn nuts!"

"Papa! Please no cursing at the table! It's not very ladylike!" Marlene chided, her arms crossed and her expression irritated.

He couldn't take it anymore. Cloud burst out laughing, trying insanely hard to stop his laughing as his head bowed down in an attempt to hide his face. Barret turned bright red as he clenched fist. He leaned over the table, and swung at Cloud.

Having sensed his movement, Cloud ducked in time. But the rampaging Barret went after him, crashing the table and hollering at Cloud as he chased him around the room. Marlene yelled for them to stop, but her demands fell on deaf ears.

Finally, Barret tripped and Marlene jumped on top of him. She glared at Cloud, who stopped dead in his tracks. "Now that you managed to ruin my tea party, you can clean it up and get your proper punishments."

The men exchanged terrified looks, and then looked back up at her. "Punishments?" they asked in unison.

~*~

When Tifa came home that evening, she paused suspiciously when she didn't hear any noise. She set her bags down on the bar, and cautiously climbed the stairs. She looked around, peering into rooms until she walked into the living room. Her mouth dropped.

Sitting in opposite corners of the room were Cloud and Barret. Both looking sullen, they both sported a dress with a sun hat and a sailor suit, respectively. Marlene sat on the couch, quietly coloring until Tifa came in. "Hi, Tifa!"

"Uh, Marlene…" Tifa covered her mouth, suppressing laughter as she looked at the two men. "Why are Cloud and Barret…?"

"Punishment. They ruined my tea party." Marlene huffed indignantly. "They've been sitting their corners all day in those outfits."

Tifa giggled, glancing away from the men's glares as she looked up at the ceiling. "That's the last time I leave the three of you alone, I swear."

"Well," Marlene looked at Cloud and Barret, "I think they learned their lesson."

Cloud glowered. "Yeah, never go to tea parties with Barret," he muttered.