To Feel

Chapter 1- Tobias

This is dedicated to TheSquintiestSquint, who listened to my ideas for this one and said, "You'd better write it!" even when I wasn't sure about it, and proceeded to chase away my inhibitions by writing "It's The Thought That Counts" to prove to me that there's nothing I can do to Fiyero that you guys won't forgive me for.

It will be multi-chapter, and I was going to wait until I finished writing it to start posting it, but now at 20+ pages in, I decided, "Ah, what the heck", so here it is.

I will not deny that it was influenced by "Immortality" by The REAL Jasper Hale and "Transformation" by Dresdendollontheprowl. Both excellent, but very depressing, oneshots. Go read them.

And apparently I inadvertently made some references to Animorphs in it. I won't tell you where, but if you can figure it out, Squint will give you a gold star. :)

I wish I could be beautiful. For you.

Even now, as he remembered the words Elphaba had spoken five years ago, Fiyero wanted to laugh and laugh and kiss the life out of her. Looking down at her now, he could not fathom how she could not see that she was beautiful. She was dozing off, her head against his shoulder. The brilliant desert sunset wove a rainbow of color into her soft black hair and lit her green skin with a bronzy glow. His lovely Fae. His strong, passionate Elphaba. She was beautiful in every way. She always had been.

He was not. He had been, maybe, physically at least, back in his school days. But that had all been superficial. He hadn't given it much thought at the time, taking his looks for granted. In fact, he hadn't given anything much thought back then. He had been conceited, shallow, caring about nothing in particular…that is, until she'd come along and suddenly he'd found himself for the first time caring about everything.

He still wondered what it was that she saw in him at all, what she had ever seen in him that made her love him. Everything about him that had attracted other girls at school- looks, status, and a tendency to be a complete cad-had only ever annoyed Elphaba. He knew he'd changed since then, all thanks to her, but he still didn't understand what it was about him that made her want him.

But there was something. He was sure of it. Otherwise, she wouldn't be with him now. At first, he'd been scared that it was only guilt that kept her by his side- guilt over what he'd given up for her, guilt over what she'd done to him. That had worn off fairly quickly, as he could perceive no noticeable difference in the way she treated him, in the way she loved him.

But there was guilt. He could see it in those sidelong glances, and often he could hear it behind her words. She wouldn't seem to believe him when he said he was grateful, and that he'd much rather be a scarecrow and be with her than to have died alone. Nor was she comforted by his insistence that he'd been well aware of the risks of following after her, so if any of this had been anyone's fault, it was his entirely.

Maybe it was because he couldn't bring himself to sound completely sincere, hard as he tried. It wasn't that he did not mean what he said. He was thankful from the bottom of his soul that she had saved him. And protecting her from Gale Force had been his choice, and he'd gladly do it again a hundred times over. But he couldn't deny the difficulties he'd had in the five years thus far since that day. The constraints and limitations that plagued him in his new body only made things harder on both of them: he couldn't get near fire or he'd burn, he couldn't get wet or he'd mildew, and he couldn't lift anything or he'd tear. They'd helped to compensate for these problems by packing light and traveling through the scarcely populated deserts just outside of Oz, where it stayed warm and rainfall was scarce, but things were never easy. He could not count the number of times Elphaba had held bent down, her eyes full of guilt, to help him up after he'd tripped over his own feet while walking.

His being a scarecrow posed other, very different complications in regard to their relationship, as well, complications that Fiyero often believed were the most devastating effect of his transformation. He couldn't feel her. He could hold her, wrap his arms around her, but he would feel nothing at all, and she would feel nothing but rough burlap and canvas. He was completely unable to share any sort of intimate physical relationship with her. He believed that this was unfair to her, and for him it was positively maddening: the vast majority of such desires, and the anatomy necessary to act upon them, had vanished along with his human body.

Fiyero stared off into the sands stretching endlessly before him. As the sun set and the moon cast its muted light over the desert, the whole scene slowly took on an ethereal, whitewashed glow. He allowed his mind to slip into the semi-stupor that he considered his equivalent of sleep. At some point, he became dimly aware that he was humming that song again, the song that he'd made up to comfort a terrified Dorothy on the long trip to Emerald City. He'd made it up on the spot once he realized how disturbed she was to be seeing a living scarecrow, and Boq and the Lion had quickly taken the same cue and added verses of their own when she'd met them. The whole idea behind the song, and much of their behavior toward the girl, had been to calm her down in the middle of what she found to be a traumatic situation and what they knew to be a potentially deadly mission. By the end of the whole thing, they'd managed to somewhat delude her into believing that Oz was some sort of fairytale land, and they'd helped to strengthen her resolve to do whatever it took to get herself home.

He'd made a mistake sharing the song with Elphaba, though. She still teased him endlessly about it. One good thing about the song, however, was that he was able to use it to make her smile when she was upset. A few short stanzas ("I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers, consultin' with the raiiin…") and a hint of a reluctant smile would creep into her features, no matter if she was worrying about where they would camp next or how much food they had left (although he could not eat), or even if she was thinking about Glinda again…

He snapped out of his reverie when he heard a sharp sound slicing through the silence of the night. It sounded like a bird of some sort…a crow, maybe? No, that didn't make sense; there were no crows in the desert. He tensed, his arms tightening around Elphaba. Not that it mattered how tightly he squeezed his arms about her: if they were in any real danger, aside from maybe jumping in front of a bullet he could do nothing to protect her. He'd become painfully aware of that fact about three years ago, when they'd been hiding out in the desert to the east of Munchkinland, known to the inhabitants of Oz as the Deadly Desert. He and Elphaba had never given the ostentatious names of the four deserts much consideration, knowing that they were designed to keep invaders out of Oz, that is, until Elphaba had fallen down one of the desert's many ravines. She'd been unconscious for hours, and he had been unable to move her at all. All he'd been able to do was watch helplessly and pray to every god he could think of that she would not die. Since then, the two of them had been more wary of the deserts, needless to say.

Currently, they were residing on the borders of the Impassable Desert, north of Gillikin. It was the driest and most brutal of the deserts, and the one with the least wildlife. Not even Animals dwelled here, which was the strongest testament to the unforgiving nature of the land, as the deserts were often a spot favored by Animals who had fled the country. Elphaba and Fiyero did not intend to stay here long: they were bound for the Shifting Sands west of the Vinkus and were only traveling this way because the winter season made passage through the Impassable Desert almost bearable, even if the nights were frigid and the days hot and windy.

Fiyero heard the bird's caw once again, and hazily wondered if the poor creature had somehow lost its way and ended up stranded in the desert. He considered getting up to see if it needed help, but he did not want to wake Elphaba. Minutes went by and he heard nothing else, so he leaned back against the boulder near which he was sitting and began once more to dreamily hum Dorothy's song to himself.

Then suddenly, a soft voice spoke somewhere near his head, and he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Catchy song, mate."

Elphaba gasped and her eyes snapped open. "Who's there?" she whispered.

"Show yourself," Fiyero called out nervously.

"All right then," the voice said, and then a crow, or rather a Crow, landed on a boulder a few feet away, cocking its head at them curiously.

"Who are you?" Fiyero demanded.

The Crow laughed. "Call me Tobias. And who might you be?"

"That's none of your concern," he snapped.

"That was rhetorical, mate. I know who you are, and so does the rest of Oz. Interesting, though, to find the supposedly dead Wicked Witch of the West snuggling up to the famed Scarecrow who supposedly killed her," Tobias said with a sly wink.

"What do you want?" Elphaba asked steadily.

"Nothing in particular," Tobias said, shrugging. "Just dropped in to say hello, is all. Bit curious about you two. Been watching you for days."

"Days?" Elphaba repeated, horror apparent in her features.

"Days, yeah. I've been out here in this gods-forsaken wasteland for more than a week, lookin' for potion ingredients and such for an old friend of mine."

"And who would that be?" Fiyero asked, eyes narrowed.

"Wouldn't you like to know," the Bird leered, and then he turned to Elphaba. "Does the name 'Madame Frost' ring a bell, dearie?"

Elphaba's eyes widened, but she said nothing.

"So it does," Tobias said triumphantly. "Thought so."

"What do you want from us?" Elphaba asked again. She now wore a carefully guarded expression.

"I'd ask you to follow me, if you're not much opposed, my friends. I know milady would be delighted to meet you both."

"Oh really?" Fiyero said dryly.

Tobias laughed, the sound a harsh cackle. "Not that I'd expect you to trust me. That's fair enough, after all I suspect you've been through. But if you're willing, I think this dear friend of mine could…ah…assist you-" he looked pointedly at Fiyero-"in ways no one else could."

"What?"

"I know who you are, mate," Tobias said, hopping off the boulder and fluttering onto the ground before Fiyero. "Traitor Prince. One-time Captain of the good old Gale Force. I don't remember your actual name, come to think of it, but judging by your faces, I'd say I know enough."

"But- but how…" Fiyero spluttered. Elphaba looked as though she'd seen a ghost. He stared at Tobias, and only one possible course of action sprung into his mind: they had to kill the stupid Crow, and fast, before he blew their cover. It didn't matter how he knew what he knew. It didn't matter if it was right or wrong. But for the life of him he couldn't even move in his shell-shocked state, let alone try to do any serious damage to another creature in his flimsy body.

"You know, Nest Fallows really is a lovely spot to nest in the summer," Tobias said, "all that corn…"

"You were there?" Elphaba whispered, apparently giving up any pretense of ignorance.

"Well, not me, exactly. But a certain late brother of mine used to spend his summers roosting near the city of Center Munch. So, he comes to me a few days after the celebrated execution of a certain Vinkan prince caught in the act of sympathizing with the Wicked Witch of the West, and then he tells me this cock-and-bull story about how some moving, talking scarecrow, wearing a Gale Force uniform no less, had somehow appeared overnight hanging over one of his favorite feeding spots."

Fiyero had nothing to say to this. He realized that there was no way to deny any of it believably, so he went back to one of Tobias' earlier statements. "What do you mean, assist me?"

Tobias chuckled and hopped up next to Fiyero's leg, pulling out a loose piece of straw that had been sticking out of Fiyero's boot with his beak. "What do you think I mean, mate?"

"So this…Frost…or whatever her name is…could change me back?"

"That's Madame Frost to you," Tobias huffed. "And I've got a good feeling she very well could."

Silence followed his words. Fiyero still refused to trust anything the Crow said, but...still, the very thought that someone out there might have the power to break the spell…

At last, Elphaba spoke, her voice firm. "Even if we were to follow you, Master Tobias, and we knew with absolute certainty that you were not going to betray us and that you are in fact in league with Madame Frost, I seriously doubt she could do what you say. I'll remind you that spells of this nature are irreversible."

"Never underestimate milady," said Tobias with a wicked glint in his eye. "I assure you that if it can be done, she can do it. She has an extensive knowledge of sorcery, and her methods are…unique."

"Uh, sorry to interrupt, but would someone like to explain to me who Madame Frost is?" Fiyero asked.

"I don't know exactly," Elphaba told him, "but I do know that in the years I spent helping the Animals, I heard tell a few times of a woman, a sorceress and a recluse, who lived somewhere in the mountains in the north of Gillikin who sympathized with the Animals and supposedly harbored them when she could. I never met her, and by the sound of it few Animals even knew of her existence." She shrugged. "It was nice to know that there was at least one other person in the whole damned country who cared about them at all."

"She still does, you know," Tobias added. "And she knew of you, Lady Witch, and was most displeased to hear of your untimely melting. My offer stands. I'm sure she'd be happy to let you two stay awhile."

Fiyero opened his mouth to protest, but Tobias cut him off. "Either you follow me, or watch me leave right now, knowing that you allowed the one soul capable of betraying the whereabouts of both yourselves and Frost to just fly away." He flew back to the top of his boulder. "Your choice."

"Wait-" Fiyero started as Tobias prepared to take off.

"That's what I thought," he said smugly, settling back down and beginning to preen his feathers.

***

A few nights later, the three found themselves camping out in the barren, empty land that existed on the borders of Oz between the Impassable Desert and the craggy mountain peaks that crowned the northwestern portion of Gillikin. They had stopped for the night among a large, haphazard collection of grey boulders that rose from the dead grass and cold dirt against the stark landscape. Fiyero was staring up at the stars, which were sparkling that night against a vast, empty sky. Elphaba was sleeping nearby behind one of the boulders to block the wind.

Tobias landed lightly next to him. "Better make sure this wind doesn't pick you up and carry you away, mate."

Fiyero shrugged. "It's happened before."

"I'll bet that was a sight to see," Tobias chuckled.

"Probably." His tone was cold. The two lapsed into silence.

"I know you don't like me," Tobias said abruptly a few minutes later. "You don't have to. But I really do want to help you."

"Me, or Elphaba?" he asked. He had no idea why the Bird should have any interest in him.

"Both of you," he said gravely. "Do you want to know why I live with Frost?"

"Why?"

"My family is dead. My mate and all our nestlings," he growled in a voice laden with pain.

Fiyero turned to face Tobias, and saw him staring at the ground before him, trembling slightly. "How?" he asked gently.

"Gale Force," Tobias spat.

"I'm sorry," Fiyero whispered.

Tobias cleared his throat. "Well, I don't blame you of course, not really. It was years and years ago, long before you stepped in. But as you could imagine, I'm not too fond of Gale Force in general."

Fiyero nodded in understanding. In his time as Captain, he had managed to channel their efforts, for the most part, into his search for Elphaba. But the men of Gale Force had believed the lies fed to them by Morrible and the Wizard about the Animals, and were under strict orders to "eradicate any illicit Animal behavior by all means necessary".

"But you stood up to them," Tobias said, raising his head to look at Fiyero once more. "And for that alone I consider myself indebted to you, mate."

Fiyero couldn't think of a response to this, so he half-smiled and sat silently, allowing an awkward silence to ensue.

"They tortured you," Tobias said quietly a few minutes later.

Fiyero promptly dropped his gaze and nodded tightly. "How did you know?" he asked in a flat voice.

Tobias sighed. "My brother was there. He watched them do it. He told me what they did to you." He shook his head. "Sick bastards…"

Fiyero's fists clenched, memories he'd been trying to repress for the past five years flooding back to the surface unbidden and unwelcome.

It was a night of hell and blood and madness. Gale Force was sadistic and merciless. They were not merely content to break his body, but they had been determined to strip him of every ounce of dignity he possessed. Already badly beaten and nearly blinded by the pain, he had been thrown facedown to the ground, the men, his men, taunting him and saying things about Elphaba that made his heart burn with rage. Every time he feebly attempted to move or tried to speak, they flogged him until he lay still and silent, laughing at his tears of fury and desperation. He was sure that they would have kept this up until he died, but Elphaba's spell had taken hold in time to prevent that. As the pain faded, he felt a bizarre sense of calm, and he thought that it was simply because death was finally there to release him from his agony. It wasn't until he heard the men's confused voices that he realized something strange was happening…

"And it was all for her, wasn't it?" Tobias nodded in Elphaba's direction.

Fiyero said nothing.

"Does she know what they did to you?"

"No," he muttered. He'd assured her that her spell had kicked in long before they could do him any real harm, that he hadn't felt a thing. "She doesn't need to know. She feels bad enough about the spell."

"So she changed you into this to save you."

"Right."

Tobias stared at Fiyero for a few seconds. "You're a good man," he said simply. Fiyero didn't respond. He met Tobias' eyes briefly and then looked up at the sky once again, trying once more to keep his memories of that night at bay.

"I do think milady can help you if you let her, mate. You don't have to like me. You don't have to trust me. But give me a chance."

Fiyero turned to him after a moment and nodded, a small smile on his painted features. "Alright. But you'd better not be up to something, or so help me I'll-"

"I don't want to know, mate. I get the idea."